Lost in Love

[absintheminded]

I have been talking to this guy for about a year, casually hanging out through mutual friends until about two months ago.
I have liked him all throughout the year- we've had some extensive guts-pouring-out conversations..
and now we have been spending a lot of nights together, dinners, watching movies, bonfires, nightcaps, and just plain hanging out and stuff.

I feel open to be myself with him and he likes me for who I am, there's no fronts. No little facades. I have never been like this with another man, I've always felt a little too shy, or felt like I had to pretend to be someone else to get him to like me.

This guy is different, he amuses me and impresses me, and I do the same to him. But we "get" each other. We laugh at one another's jokes and finish each others sentences.

The first few nights I spent the night at his house I slept out on his couch.
Then we started hanging out exclusively, without our mutual friends, and BAM we had a nice night of kissing and fondlings and cuddling.
Since then we've been sort of inseparable, constantly on the phone for hours at a time, texting when we couldn't talk, I'd be over at his house every other night, even going so far as to spending time with him AT his work because we wanted to see each other. His best friend even told me while alone with me, that he knows that his friend "really really digs me"...

Here's the problem, we like each other a lot...and each night I'm over there I sleep with him and each night I kind of expect something.
We have slept together about a dozen times and he hasn't made a move.

What is wrong here? Does he just not fancy me?

*He's not gay either, he's had previous relationships with women and even has a child.

 

[Canadiens1131]

You guys have been sleeping together for a dozen times.
He's a guy, I think he's fine with the relationship at its current stage

 

[Night & Day]

OMG.. word for word i could have written this about Ron and I.
Exactly the same thing happened, we hung out, went to dinner, went to D-Hell, talked, cried, EVERYTHING, for over a year.
At the Vegas shows, we would sleep in the same bed and not even touch one another.
When i stayed at his house, i mostly slept on the couch, but one night a friend stayed over and needed the couch.
I slept in Ron's bed and i think we might have touched feet or something...but nothing else.
We slept in the same bed after that but still didn't touch.
We were best friends and i considered him a brother.

I didn't find out until much later, Ron had feelings, deep feelings, for a very long time,
but he told me he didn't make a move because he DID care for me so deeply,
and he wanted to make sure i felt the same before he said anything.

He also knew i was going through some very painful situations and didn't wanted to take advantage of my vulnerability.
He wanted me to clear my head and wanted to make sure he wasn't going to turn into a 'rebound'.
He was the epitome of a gentleman and true friend.
I didnt need (or want) sex, i didn't need (or want) a boyfriend... i needed a friend and confidant.
Ron was the kindest guy i have ever met, and i really needed that.
And because he 'maintained' himself,
I thought that if he is as good a friend as he was, how wonderful of a partner would he be.
(Although he told me later he did wish for a sexual relationship sooner, and frankly, most men do,
he said he RESPECTED me and wouldn't have laid a finger on me no matter how long it took.)
Its all about respect, and obviously he recognizes that you are a woman that deserves respect.
Don't take it as a sign of him not liking you... on the contrary...he is probably head over heels.

 

[Sicy]

You guys have been sleeping together for a dozen times.
He's a guy, I think he's fine with the relationship at its current stage

I think she means they have slept in the same bed together but nothing has happened.

Hmm maybe he is just a gentleman? Have you thought about just asking him straight out?
If that is the only reason I think I would hang on to this guy

 

[Got Philk?]

YES!!! Finally a thread that shows that not all men are walking winkies! (how's that for censorship )

You have met a good one there. I think it's exactly what others have said, respect. I'm sure he fancy's you. He just doesn't want to cross a line that might disrespect you.

Back in college, my friends used to say, "have you had a DTR yet???" DTR is determine the relationship. Ridiculous... I know. But my point is, it's ok to ask.

Now taht I've simply repeated what everyone else has said, I'll go. He wants to treat you like a lady! HOW SWEET!

 

[Screwtape2]

You mentioned that he had a kid. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her by getting into a relationship that might go somewhere. He might also be worried that getting in a relationship could a) threaten his friendships with people that you both know or b) end your friendship if sex comes into the picture. Everyone has their own time tables in relationships so I wouldn't be worried about it.

 

[absintheminded]

Screwtape, I think you're on to something, even though the other's replies gave me BUTTERFLIES in my stomach and made me feel all fuzzy wuzzy inside!~

"B's" friend, "Jamey", did have a major crush on me, so that is why when we hung out nin the first place, I liked B and he knew that and we even got so far as to ALMOST smoochy-smooch but we both pulled away because JAMEY came out and nearly caught us.
But I ended the friendship with Jamey about almost 11 months ago in hopes of pursuing this "wonderful" guy, B, whom I knew was wonderful right away.
He does have a lot of respect for women, and it shows the way he speaks about the mother of his child and his child. Although he shows them the utmost respect, he did date another girl about two years ago and had a somewhat serious relationship, so I'm sure that it's not to protect his daughter. He even went so far as to take out a loan, and on top of paying child support, he now is paying for his ex-girlfriends way to college. Why? So she can give their daughter a better life and not have to work 2 jobs to get by. (She has since had another baby with another man and has been struggling).

Also, his friends were his friends first and now are my friends and they also show me respect and decency- perhaps because they know that "B" really cares for me, I am just guessing. He no longer hangs out with Jamey as much as he used to- due to us hanging out a lot, and about 3 weeks ago, I walked into the house and Jamey was there and was surprised to see me comfortable to be walking into B's house without knocking and later it became apparent that B and I were spending a lot of time together and Jamey seemed okay with it. Shit, we gave him 11 months to deal with it and get over it.

The other night he popped a piece of gum into his mouth as soon as he got into bed and I thought that was really odd, it was as if he was planning on making a move, but he just cuddled me instead.

The trouble is, I have never done a "DTR". When it comes to that point in the relationship I totally sabotage myself, freak out and RUIN IT!
I'm 30, ok, and I've never had a real relationship, and yes sex always ruins it.
I've also had A LOT OF aceholes in my life! Men that just used me, treated me like shit, etc.
It's just refreshing to see a man treat me like I've always want to be treated.
But when it gets to sleeping and cuddling about a dozen times and knowing that I care for him the way that I do, why not be bold and make a move?

How should I approach this to him? Should I just "be bold" jump on him and make the first move? Or should I DTR it first?

 

[absintheminded]

OH and everybody keeps asking me, "Are you dating?"

I can't even explain it! Are these dates we're having? Are we going out? Are we an item?

Frick. I'm so confused and screwed.

And I'm too shy to bring this up.

 

[BoMac]

YES!!! Finally a thread that shows that not all men are walking winkies! (how's that for censorship )

 

[Bono's Betty]

Should I just "be bold" jump on him and make the first move?

Bingo!! I think you should just make the first move already I'm sure he is probably thinking the same thing you are.

 

[Canadiens1131]

I think she means they have slept in the same bed together but nothing has happened.

Oh

EDIT: Jump on him

 

[redkat]

Don't move for a deep conversation. If you jump him you may not find out why he's doing this to begin with. If he has a valid reason then it might be a bad move.

Simply ask him casually if he has always liked to take things slow? That should spark a conversation. He may reply thinking you are the one that likes to take things slow.If so you can joke about not being able to wait much longer, and he'll get the hint. Whatever the case the cards are on the table.

I do suspect the fact that he has a kid has something to do with it. I dated a guy a looong time ago that had a child when he was in high school. He seemed to have a lot of anger and other issues about sex.

 

[Screwtape2]

One thing you might try is to be more affectionate but in a way that doesn't seem like you're heading towards sex. If he is willing to return that affection then it is probably a problem involving a fear of what a sexual relationship might lead to. If he isn't then it's a problem whole different problem. So I guess my advice is to get him to reveal what's wrong through a show of affection.

 

[absintheminded]

He does show affection, don't get me wrong, he LOVES to cuddle up on me.
Last night I made the announcement that I am driving to Florida to help my friend move, and I might prolong my stay as well.
In the beginning of the evening he was very bright and talkative and happy. After I said I was moving it seemed like he was more quiet and IF I had to guess, a bit mad.
While we were making dinner he made a comment like, "Why would you move to Florida? Is that your cup of tea? I bet you won't like it."

So later we went to bed and we just cuddled. I was much too afraid to "jump on him" but I did kiss him and stuff. He lets me do whatever I want but I never go further.
So I'm part of the problem too.

 

[Carek1230]

It's better in the long run to have gone slow in the beginning

 

[yolland]

Simply ask him casually if he has always liked to take things slow? That should spark a conversation.

Something along these lines, only not pinning it so much on him (this is about what you want too, after all) would be my suggestion as well--it sounds like you're wanting some answers at this point that, truthfully, only conversation will arrive at. There are lots of reasons why someone might want to "go slow", whether that's in terms of sex or how much time you're going to spend together or what sorts of commitment you're willing to contemplate and when, etc. Putting off or avoiding directly discussing those kinds of things for too long is usually a bad idea IMO, and can lead to a lot of unwise and anxiety-provoking second-guessing. Maybe especially if there's a question mark like (I gather?) you possibly considering moving in the near future hanging over things.

 

[hiphop]

How should I approach this to him? Should I just "be bold" jump on him and make the first move?

you should be bold and make the first move

When youre in bed with him next time just jump on him so he cant move and kiss him from head to toe. the rest should follow naturally.

What redkat said "He may reply thinking you are the one that likes to take things slow. If so you can joke about not being able to wait much longer, and he'll get the hint." is good too. Anyway, make it a joke so that he doesn´t get the feeling he approaches you TOO slow.

And seduce him with words. Tell him he´s very attractive. Tell him he has a nice ass or something.

 

[absintheminded]

OK, now I'm freaking out. We have spent every minute when we're not working together. I have been over there every evening since Sunday.
He even gave me a toothbrush for when I spend the night. Next is gonna probably be face wash, some clothes... etc. eek!

We even made an "appearance" at a local hotspot where all the locals know each other- and he didn't move away when I grabbed his arm, and it was kind of evident to other people that we were clearly "together". My ex was even there, a friend of his too, and it totally went without a hitch. A friend of ours even was so bold and said, "You guys make such a cute couple."

At dinner one night, his friends had even made some sexually explicit remarks about "us going to bed together and making wild passionate love", to which I just laughed off, but it was kind of like they just figure after all this time of being together that we've done that sort of thing. We haven't.
When I asked him later what was he wearing under his hoodie, he replied with a smirk, "That's for me to know and you to find out." and smiled provocatively at me.
Then he said to me, "Do you need some pajamas to sleep in tonight? [I shook my head no] Oh..that's right, you don't wear anything to bed." His friends raised their eyebrows and smiled.
So it's like he doesn't mind his friends THINK that we're sexually active, but he's not making any moves while in bed.
And I HAVE made some cutesy compliments, saying, "You're hot." To which he says I'm lying (he thinks he's on the pudgy side- but no really, he has a body just like Bono!!! Stocky, not skinny, slightly muscular- BUT I swear from the back he looks like Bono!)

I'm not saying he's not interested because sometimes I "catch" him checking me out. Last night I wore a low cut hoodie and my '36 D assets' were peeking out and I totally noticed him staring.

I even gave him a backrub, while in bed, while on top of him in bed, to hopefully start things and guess what he did, he said, "You're so good to me." And not later than a minute later- he was totally passed out! I couldn't even wake him up!

 

[Screwtape2]

Maybe you should look desperate and softly tell him that you're ready. Kiss him before he can respond and uhh..."convince" him to take the next step in the relationship.

 

[Night & Day]

Ok, I am assuming that you are ready to have a sexual relationship.
So, by God, just ask him..he is being TOO standoffish.
Its like how much more can you say or do to get him to make a move that will lead to getting it on?
Geesh.
I feel like slapping him upside the head already!

Good Lord.

 

[absintheminded]

^ me too! I sooooo agree with you!!!

 

[RedRocksU2]

I even gave him a backrub, while in bed, while on top of him in bed, to hopefully start things and guess what he did, he said, "You're so good to me." And not later than a minute later- he was totally passed out! I couldn't even wake him up!

wow. You sure you want this guy?

 

[absintheminded]

^ What do you mean RedRocks?

Let me explain a tiny detail to you. I've NEVER had a serious boyfriend. EVER. I start dating someone I like and right off the bat- I find faults and flaws. I give up on it right away and start a sexual relationship, and then that's what kills it. So my 'relationships' consisted of one or two dates and a couple of sexual rendezvous and it's over.
I'm usually very very picky too, and a lot of men don't keep my attention long enough.
This guy is well-rounded, very popular with a lot of people, musically gifted, extraordinarily smart, laid-back, secure, warm, independent, AND he's a neat-freak! Just like me!

I'm so totally sure I want him.

He was drinking that night and he did take two Tylenol PM...so that might have helped him in passing out so fast.
But seriously I felt like kicking him out of bed for doing it!!!

 

[Canadiens1131]

This is getting to the point where you're just going to have to throw him on the carpet and ravage him.

 

[redkat]

or speak to him... Nah, that's just crazy!

 

[Night & Day]

This is getting to the point where you're just going to have to throw him on the carpet and ravage him.

May i suggest the backseat of a hot car.

 

[abadab]

The same thing is happening to me right now. I have just one more thing though. We've never really decided where we stand with each other. I mean we don't know if we're boyfriend/girlfriend yet. This is pathetic that I'm a full grown adult and don't know this yet. We've had the conversation in the past and last time we decided we were just friends, but that was before all the kissing, fondling and cuddling.

 

[absintheminded]

^ OH OH OH, I know just how you feel abadab!

We were sitting around a campfire and I went inside the house to use the toilet and when I quietly came out, I heard a friend say to my "boyf" as he was grabbing my beer, "No, that's your girl's- yours is over there on the barbecue, man." And "B" didn't even say anything, just put my beer down and went and got his.

I'm going over tonight and how about I dress really sexy and make little sex comments and jokes?

OK and this is now BOTH OF OUR THREADS, abadab! We are on the same soil! Same story!

 

[abadab]

I feel so much better now that I know I'm not the only one who has this problem. Sometimes it's like "oh men!!! It's so strange cause we are at University and all his friends call me his girl and all my friends call him my boy, but we've never really discussed it with each other. I think he was hurt by his last gf and is scared to get in a relationship again. How do I make him forget about his ex?

 

[RedRocksU2]

^ What do you mean RedRocks?

I just never heard this happenning before, unless it's was in a movie. :srhug: