hello friends
I have a story to tell
Sorrow found me when I was young...I was diagnosed with depression when I was in fourth grade or so. It comes and goes in phases and sometimes it's a lot worse than others, but I've never felt like I was ever truly over it. It's always just been part of me. tried various meds and some therapy and such and nothing seemed to do much.
Comorbid with my depression has been the affliction of unrequited love for practically my entire "adult" life (I'm 22). i was in love with my one of my best friends (who was in another relationship) for about four years. it ended kinda badly. then not even a year later it happens again, except this time the guy is married. GREAT! in an odd twist of fate he kind of fell for me too ... we became very, very close, hung out all the time, and were even intimate a few times. but he ended "it" (not that it was ever officially a thing, it just kinda happened) because of his marriage. we've still been friends since then but I've been so tortured by longing and jealousy and sadness and despair and resentment toward him ... all this agony wrapped up in "love." meanwhile i feel increasingly more almost like i don't have a soul, i'm just this terrible shell of a person. constantly doing drugs (nothing too crazy, just weed and booze and adderall mostly, but still) to distract myself from myself. always hiding in my memories because the present isn't enough and the future will just bring more suffering
then something changed inside of me
I thought the only way to get over being in love would be to cut the guy out of my life completely (which would really, really suck for a long time) and eventually all my feelings toward him would fade, and i would feel indifferent, and our friendship would have all been for nothing
but I realized something
I wasn't supposed to let go of love...I needed to let go of everything else. all those negative feelings i thought were just a part of the package - the constant longing and wanting and needing and the feeling like my soul was being ripped apart and all my anger at him because he did not choose me - i let all my selfishness go, and there was only love. this most pure and amazing love for him.
I've never felt this way before. It's overwhelming. It's like there's this warmth and light in me that's trying to burst out. it's a combination of feelings i'd lost and something new. suddenly i'm alive in every moment. I feel like my senses are enhanced as if i were high, but i'm totally sober. I am truly remorseful for my wrongs, but at the same time I'm not holding on to regret. i just want to move forward and be the best person i can. I am free. i feel like a U2 song. that kind of ultimate joy.
the truth is I'm kind of terrified. because I thought this kind of thing only happens in the movies. or at least, it could never happen to me, because i was destined for despair.
there's another problem. my mother and her mother are both bipolar. i haven't shown any signs of mania yet so i've only been diagnosed with depression, but i'm worried this could be my first. since I had this change of heart (a couple days ago) my good feelings have been so intense. it's made me cry because it's so powerful. and i've had trouble sleeping, though i did manage to sleep a bit. i have been kinda restless, so overcome that i don't know what to do with myself. other than that i don't have any of the classic mania signs. i don't feel like spending a bunch of money or doing drugs or having promiscuous sex or anything like that. in fact, for once i feel like i really DON'T want to do drugs. i do have hope for the future for the first time in a long while, but i don't have a bunch of grand ambitions to take over the world or anything. i'm trying to take things one step at a time. i don't have a grandiose view of myself... i don't think i'm particularly special or important. actually i don't really think anything about myself, other than I want to be good.
so i guess i'm trying to figure out if this change is really me, or if it's just an illness. because if in fact i'm crazy, i don't know how i can survive when it all comes crashing down. not that i expect to feel this "high" forever. i just want the change in me to be real, because i don't want to be that selfish person again, drowning myself in my own sea of sorrow. i'm so so scared that this isn't me and that's the real me. i couldn't stand it if it were, if i can't change myself and grow.
if anyone has taken the time to read all this I would greatly appreciate your input, especially if you have or know someone with bipolar disorder. also would love to hear from anyone who considers themselves religious or spiritual. my stance on religion is a long and complicated story i can elaborate on if anyone wants, but basically no matter how many times i've tried to "feel" it i haven't, and i'd basically given up on it. i felt like even if there was a God, surely I was not one of his children. not a wretch like me. i'm not suddenly converted or anything, but it does have me wondering if some greater power is at work.
thanks, sorry for the incredibly long post.
I have a story to tell
Sorrow found me when I was young...I was diagnosed with depression when I was in fourth grade or so. It comes and goes in phases and sometimes it's a lot worse than others, but I've never felt like I was ever truly over it. It's always just been part of me. tried various meds and some therapy and such and nothing seemed to do much.
Comorbid with my depression has been the affliction of unrequited love for practically my entire "adult" life (I'm 22). i was in love with my one of my best friends (who was in another relationship) for about four years. it ended kinda badly. then not even a year later it happens again, except this time the guy is married. GREAT! in an odd twist of fate he kind of fell for me too ... we became very, very close, hung out all the time, and were even intimate a few times. but he ended "it" (not that it was ever officially a thing, it just kinda happened) because of his marriage. we've still been friends since then but I've been so tortured by longing and jealousy and sadness and despair and resentment toward him ... all this agony wrapped up in "love." meanwhile i feel increasingly more almost like i don't have a soul, i'm just this terrible shell of a person. constantly doing drugs (nothing too crazy, just weed and booze and adderall mostly, but still) to distract myself from myself. always hiding in my memories because the present isn't enough and the future will just bring more suffering
then something changed inside of me
I thought the only way to get over being in love would be to cut the guy out of my life completely (which would really, really suck for a long time) and eventually all my feelings toward him would fade, and i would feel indifferent, and our friendship would have all been for nothing
but I realized something
I wasn't supposed to let go of love...I needed to let go of everything else. all those negative feelings i thought were just a part of the package - the constant longing and wanting and needing and the feeling like my soul was being ripped apart and all my anger at him because he did not choose me - i let all my selfishness go, and there was only love. this most pure and amazing love for him.
I've never felt this way before. It's overwhelming. It's like there's this warmth and light in me that's trying to burst out. it's a combination of feelings i'd lost and something new. suddenly i'm alive in every moment. I feel like my senses are enhanced as if i were high, but i'm totally sober. I am truly remorseful for my wrongs, but at the same time I'm not holding on to regret. i just want to move forward and be the best person i can. I am free. i feel like a U2 song. that kind of ultimate joy.
the truth is I'm kind of terrified. because I thought this kind of thing only happens in the movies. or at least, it could never happen to me, because i was destined for despair.
there's another problem. my mother and her mother are both bipolar. i haven't shown any signs of mania yet so i've only been diagnosed with depression, but i'm worried this could be my first. since I had this change of heart (a couple days ago) my good feelings have been so intense. it's made me cry because it's so powerful. and i've had trouble sleeping, though i did manage to sleep a bit. i have been kinda restless, so overcome that i don't know what to do with myself. other than that i don't have any of the classic mania signs. i don't feel like spending a bunch of money or doing drugs or having promiscuous sex or anything like that. in fact, for once i feel like i really DON'T want to do drugs. i do have hope for the future for the first time in a long while, but i don't have a bunch of grand ambitions to take over the world or anything. i'm trying to take things one step at a time. i don't have a grandiose view of myself... i don't think i'm particularly special or important. actually i don't really think anything about myself, other than I want to be good.
so i guess i'm trying to figure out if this change is really me, or if it's just an illness. because if in fact i'm crazy, i don't know how i can survive when it all comes crashing down. not that i expect to feel this "high" forever. i just want the change in me to be real, because i don't want to be that selfish person again, drowning myself in my own sea of sorrow. i'm so so scared that this isn't me and that's the real me. i couldn't stand it if it were, if i can't change myself and grow.
if anyone has taken the time to read all this I would greatly appreciate your input, especially if you have or know someone with bipolar disorder. also would love to hear from anyone who considers themselves religious or spiritual. my stance on religion is a long and complicated story i can elaborate on if anyone wants, but basically no matter how many times i've tried to "feel" it i haven't, and i'd basically given up on it. i felt like even if there was a God, surely I was not one of his children. not a wretch like me. i'm not suddenly converted or anything, but it does have me wondering if some greater power is at work.
thanks, sorry for the incredibly long post.