Just Friends? Really?

[AtomicBono]

Okay Interference, I know you love relationship drama.

It goes like this:

I have a friend. We've just met this semester, hung out a few times -always with other people. I really, really like him, though I haven't told him this. I talk to him on AIM sometimes. We're talking on Sunday and he's bummed out. I ask if there's anything I can do and he says a hug, which is perfectly acceptable...then he straight up asks if I want to make out. I get him to elaborate, asking if he's serious or what, and he says "i um... think you're a killer girl and i love being around you, but i'm really pretty pissed at women right now and it's probably not a good idea to get into anything," but he still is up for making out. I make it clear that I like him but there's no pressure, conversation kinda lulls for over an hour and I think maybe he's changed his mind, so I ask if he wants to hang out and watch a movie, not necessarily implying anything.

Well, he came over...I only remember about the first ten minutes of the movie. He leaned on me, I started playing with his hair, things built from there. No sex, but also no clothes...

The next day I don't hear from him at all; I fear he's avoiding me...I eventually talk to him that night, and find out that "last night was a bit too much" and he "didn't mean for it to go that far." (Fine, except, wait a minute, WHO asked to make out?) He says we're friends and he doesn't do the friends with benefits thing, and so I ask him if he likes me like that, and he says "not right now."

Now, I understand that he didn't want to get in a relationship right away. He warned me of this multiple times, even asked if I'd be disappointed if it didn't go anywhere past that one night. But I'm a little confused. If we're friends, but he doesn't do the friends with benefits thing, and he doesn't like me that way, then...what the hell happened? Was it wrong of me to assume there was some sort of connection? It didn't feel like some purely physical lustful thing at the time, at all. Most of it was almost more affectionate than sexual.

Did I get played, or did I just assume too much? Do I still have a shot with this guy? I still like him a lot. I'm done being mad about it. Now I'm just trying to figure out if I should give up or what...

any input appreciated.

 

[Sicy]

Sounds to me like he just needs some time to get over whatever relationship he was in last. He probably likes you but doesnt want to go too fast too soon. Maybe give him another day or so to clear his head after what happened between you guys the other night.

 

[AtomicBono]

I fear I may have ruined my chance...when he first said he didn't like me like that, I was rather upset and told him that he probably shouldn't ask to make out with people he's not interested in, and he just said ok. And we had another conversation where we argued a bit about exactly whose fault it was because I said I felt used, and he tried to say I "jumped him," which definitely isn't how it went, and even if that was right in the beginning, it definitely was him leading through most of it...he eventually just said sorry a lot.

today I told him I wasn't mad at him and I apologized a lot and I wanted to know if he was still my friend, cuz I needed a friend (which is totally true, I have other stuff going on that's making my brain melt). He said we're friends.

It is important to note that all these conversations thus far have been over AIM, which he definitely doesn't use in the same way I do (he says he "never ever ever talks on AIM"). I haven't seen him at all since it happened. Should I try to hang out with him this weekend?

 

[Varitek]

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

I hate situations like this sooo much. I was going to say that guys see differently than girls on this, but maybe it's just that some people see differently than others on this: some people allow their weaknesses (sexual desire, desire for temporary companionship) to overcome morals (not hurting friends, not leading people on, etc). And it sucks. And it can ruin or put a crinkle in a friendship, depending on how both people handle it afterwards.

As far as hanging out, I wouldn't push it. Would you normally have hung out if this hadn't happened? then yes. Otherwise continue as normal, you've talked it over, so now put it behind you (don't ignore it or him but don't drag it up unnecessarily) and proceed as usual. I've found that this is the best way to counter awkardness

 

[Fille Friday]

God, I am in this exact same situation right now. It's a bit eerie reading this.

My best advice is to keep your own sanity and don't get too involved. Sit on your hands if you have to, but don't talk to him a lot. I agree with you, I can't figure out why he wants to be friends but still wants to flirt. But, I just realised maybe I shouldn't know and I should stop asking why because no one can really answer that for sure. Just be friends, and don't do anything further 'benefits' wise with him. It's best not to start arguments/ discussions about it, recommended to not even talk to him that much, and give him some space to get over his ex/ figure out how he really, truly feels about you. By doing this, he'll realise who he wants to be with. You may be smothering him and frustrating him if you continually ask him how he feels about you when he's already confused with his feelings about the past. I did that and later learned to back off. It works.

I wish someone had told me all these things 3 months ago.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i was in this same situation six months ago

basically, just give him some space, and try to see if you guys can have a talk after a while. it sucks when you like someone more than they like you, and i know it can be hard to kind of push your feelings aside. but if you're willing to possibly do that to be friends with the guy, then i'd give him a little space and tell him you want to be friends. i wouldn't bring up what happened unless he does.

and if it gets to be too much...then it's a sign that the friendship can't work, unfortunately

 

[DaveC]

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

 

[Bono's shades]

From my own personal experience, if you are into someone way more than they are into you, continuing to try to be "just friends" just prolongs the agony. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think it would be best not to hang out with this guy anymore.

 

[Allanah]

What a jerk for asking you to make out without meaning anything, knowing you didn't feel the same way.

WORD.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you right now -- I went on two dates with a guy and had to break the unfortunate news that while I valued him as a friend (this is three years ago, mind you), I had no interest in him romantically. He seemed to accept this in a very cool manner until a few weeks ago (when the whole, "You and I aren't dating and never will, but if I hit on a guy you get jealous and feel like a chump") thing happened, and things have been weird ever since.

My advice? Stay far, far way from him. You're better than that.

 

[Dalton]

I always thought you were a guy. I suck at this internet thing.

 

[BEAL]

I don't think any guy can keep their pants on when it comes to "fooling around". Or at least it takes a man with great character, and will power.


Sounds like the signals are all over the place. I don't have time for the drama, so I would just move on. If they call me, great. If not, I'm not losing sleep.

I would just leave the guy alone and let him figure out what he wants. You shouldn't have to apologize for anything. He asked you the question, and you answered it.

I've found it's never wise to apologize for anything that you do. Unless you were a little too rough with him , then it shouldn't be a problem.

Hopefully he wisens up and at least gives you a chance. I would never turn down make out sessions that turn into naked romps (with other women of course)

 

[AtomicBono]

Yeah, so I haven't really hung out with him at all since then, though we do talk on AIM a bit, its usually nothing substantial. I've ran into him twice, once today... we talked for a few good minutes at least before he had to go to class. He said it was good to see me, and he sounded sincere. but who knows. I indicated that we ought to hang out before summer and he said we have three weeks in a manner which I interpreted as "we have time."

he seems down. I know he has depression and stuff, but I can't really help him if he won't talk to me. Oh well. I'm kinda letting it go. Maybe things will be different next semester. Maybe not.

he's going to the same Death Cab concert as me...in fact his seats are in the same row...too bad I apparently won't posess his heart lolololol get it

thanks for all the replies