ive had enough of my dad.

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MooMoo!

MooMoo!

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MUTANT SPIDER THING. D=<
ive just really had it. i should have had it with him a long time ago, but i forgave him and pretended everything was ok.

basically, he drinks, and although he doesnt physically abuse us, he mentally abuses us. this is every week or so, maybe more. and it sometimes gets to the point where my mum or brother threatens to kill him, and/or attacks him. needless to say he still doesnt leave us alone.

now the thing is, hes never really been there for me as a father, he hardly ever talks to me or my brother (he actually used to pick on my brother, hes stopped now thankfully) and hes not generally a pleasant person.ive realized i hardly know anything about him, i know everything about my mum and her family, even stuff she doesnt want me to know. i know fuck all about my dad, or his family. everything in my life i have is thanks to my mum, whos worked all her life to provide for me and the family. dad works, them wastes it all away on drink, sometimes mums money, and he even trys to borrow it off me and my brother sometimes. he did it the other week, saying he needed money for petrol to pick mum up from work. (she gets the bus to and from work everyday :rolleyes: )
he has another daughter from his first marriage, my half sister, and he did the same to her. shes now with someone and has a daughter herself, and when we went to the mainland, he didnt even bother to go and see her, or even ring her. i feel crap cos id really like to get in touch with her and see my niece. :(
well he came in drunk tonight, and started bugging us even though he had promised not to, and i just had enough and threated to call the police. it seemed to upset him, and he did sort of go away. but apparantly hes not "not talking to me" not that it makes a difference as he doesnt talk to me anyway. :madspit:

if he comes in drunk again and bothers me, my brother or mum i seriously am gonna call the police and have him put away. mum really cant take anymore of it, shes ill as it is. :( id feel bad if i didnt do something. i was thinking of using my money and getting us a plane ticket to the mainland so we can spend new year with mums family. im not sure about it though yet. :slant: (without him of course)

i just really dont know what to do. :( mum wants a divorce, but we cant afford to pay the bills without his money. (even if he doesnt have a job most of the time, cos hes self employed now)

help. :yell:
 
Unfortunately you can't get help for him until he's willing to face up to his problem and get help himself, I know that doesn't help you though right now :hug:

Have you ever thought of joining one of those support groups that Alcoholics Anonymous has for family members? AA has a web site if you want to check it out, and you can get information at a hospital or counseling center.

And if your father is abusive towards you you should contact the police before it escalates, no one has the right to do that to you. You need his money and I understand that, but at what price? You shouldn't have to handle this all by yourself though, your Mom should do it with you. She's afraid I'm sure and I certainly understand that. But she has to remember also how her kids are being affected. Do you talk to her about that?
 
I don´t have any advice for you. But i am sorry that you have to deal with such things :hug:
 
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Stay close to your mom and brother and support each other through this difficult time. If you feel that either your family members or yourself are physically threatened by him, don't feel ashamed or afraid to call the police. Your safety and the safety of your mom and brother are important. This will hopefully serve as a "wake-up call" for him and hopefully will lead him to straighten his life. Good luck with this. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Try to be strong enough to not let the negative actions of other people influence you. It is a very difficult thing to do, I know.


There is always a way to survive.... I don't know if divorce is the best option or not, but it's up to your mom as far as what is more important, I suppose. As for you, MooMoo... just try to do the best you can. This forum is here if you need to vent, and there's usually a fair amount of people to just listen.

take care
 
There's only so much I could say in a post, but let's just say that we're floating in similar boats.

With me, I just took to consideration that if there will be no relationship between my dad and me, then I might as well create a stronger relationship with my mom and brother. If you haven't done that already, then I suggest trying it. It's helped out my family a bit.

Talk to your mom too. Remember, it's a fight 3 vs. 1. Your dad could realize his problem and it's seriousness too if your entire family joins together to get some sense into him.

If your dad is an alcoholic, the best thing to do is to send him to a clinic or something, get him help. Maybe that could help the situation in some sense?

Good luck, and I'll be passing on good thoughts to you and your family. :hug:
 
well i doubt hed join the AA, i dont even think he admits to being an alcoholic. :|

he came in drunk again last night (4 nights in a row :rolleyes: ) and apparantly he had a black eye and his nose had been gashed. he apparantly "fell over" but mum reckons by the look of it hes been punched. :eyebrow:

he had actually been up in my room when i was in the bath. he never goes up there so i can only imagine hes looking for money. thankfully i spent it all on guitar stuff, lol. i dont know if hes gone out again or not cos i didnt want to go in the living room, i cant face talking to him. :angry:

i was wondering if mum did get a divorce maybe we'd get benifits or something. :slant: ill have to find out.

its not even that we mind him drinking, its the fact when hes drunk hes a total arsehole. hes completely dead when hes sober. its very rare you see him laugh. :| my aunts are sposed to be coming over, lol, they'll probably sort him out.
 
MooMoo! I am so sorry -- espcially coz there's nothing I could do to help you a part from sending you, your brother and your mun the biggest hug I can.

I don't know how you three manage to live in such a situation, and I just can try and image the amount of pain you're going through.

I don't know what's the problem with your dad, why he's so addicted to alcohol and why he shows so lil respect for you, his family.

As regards benefits from the divorce... I am not sure of how things work in your Country, but it seems hard to me... :|

Is there some support group for families dealing with this kind of problem?

Hug you tight.
 
well theres things like the samaritans, people you ring etc. but ive never really thought they'd be any use. :huh: i mean i have friends to talk to about it.

he never shows any remorse about it. :mad: doesnt even say sorry the next day. he knows mum and us want a divorce too. :grumpy: mums always saying things about moving away but why cant HE? he doesnt even have the decency to piss off and leave us alone. :madspit:
 
just out of curiousity, what do you do when he's sober?

maybe when he's not all full with alcohol, you could knock sense into him.
(not saying that you should resort to violence, but maybe a raising of your voice could do him good. my brother yelled at my dad once for being an ass and my dad actually listened :huh: )
 
well, if i get him alone ill warn him if he ever comes in drunk again ill call the police. i seriously will. ive had enough. :|

he hardly ever speaks to me when he is sober, he hardly speaks to anyone. its like trying to talk to a stranger with him. :(
 
It's possible that talking as strangers is a good thing.

I dunno, but personally I find that having a close relationship could make it harder to tell someone they have a problem or you're having a problem with them.
As you would to your friends, you'd probably beat around the bush before explaining the situation straight forward. You try to avoid hurting their feelings and are very cautious with your words..
but as strangers, it'd be easy to be blunt and simple with your words. And maybe if your dad were sensitive to what you say, it would affect him emotionally and/or mentally..

Who knows I guess. It's best to try.
 
maybe. i think he knows i dont like him, but i dont think he wants to believe it.

i think he thinks mum tells us to hate him, thats what he said once when we where little. :|
 
I am afraid I don't have any advice for you - but what the above posters have said seems to make sense.

This must be such a difficult situation - my heart really goes out to you as it seems you have tried lots of things. It all sounds very frustrating as well as your dad doesn't seem to want to admit that he has a problem.

I wish you and your family the best:hug:
 
:hug: :hug:

I'm sorry....I know exactly how you feel (this is very familiar situation for me). People don't realize how really hurtful mental abuse can be, my mom used to say the exact same kind of thing to me...saying that my dad made us hate her and that I was on his side and just hating me as much as she hated him, etc. I could go on and on

I could probably overpower my mom lol, but if your dad does come home like that again and is acting in any way violent or unsafe you definitely shouldn't hesitate to call the police. It definitely sucks to have to have them come to your house but sometimes that's what they need to sort of bring them to reality. :slant: If he is an alcoholic it might take something like that, they can be very paranoid/defensive and in denial obviously.

Whatever you do, don't bother yourself pouring bottles down the sink or following him to see where he goes, or scheming revenge against him...it will only hurt you, i promise

I admit I've kinda shunned the whole Ala-teen thing in the past 2 years cos she stopped drinking (mostly haha) and I have an irrational hatred of anything bordering on therapy...but it really is helpful especially when you're still in the situation you're in. If nothing else, it'll help you realize how many people are in the same situation, and realize that although you probably can't do much to change his actions, you still do NOT have to take that shit from him (sorry to sound so cliche'). seriously, if you're willing to at least look into that, I'd really reccomend it...

and while I'm being cheesy here's something pretty simple that you may have heard, that helped me more than anything else, the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the *wisdom to know the difference*

sorry

anyway I hope at least some of that is helpful to you at all, I'd love to talk to you more if you want to...

I hope your situation improves, don't give up :hug:
 
MooMoo! said:
well if you'd really love to that much, (lol) my msn is moo_moo@manx.net.
Click to expand...

:lol: I just meant I'd be willing to if you had any questions or something, lol

my email is runningtostandstill@mail.com btw :wink:

he's probably acting like everything's fine because he doesn't want to have to admit that his habits are hurting his family...and if you're anything like me, you probably go along with this act to preserve the peace for the moment.

have you considered going to any of those sites or checking out any of those groups?...it could help :shrug:
 
i'm so sorry you're going through this. :hug:

Keep in mind that you have a future outside of your family. Even if your dad never leaves or they never seperate you have your own life to ahead of you. It won't always be like this!

Talking to him sober may not help much. A dry drunk isn't much more reasonable than one that's trashed.

I did once write my dad a letter. He went to rehab after that one. There is no way those feelings could have been spoken and he didn't have the opportunity to get defensive that way.

I really wish I could help you!
 
are you still in school?
if you work can you get 2 jobs ( put all yourmoney in thebank & dont leave it around the house) to earn enough money to leave?
why cant you go to your mom's relatives?
what is your mom sick with?
and redundant means she lost her job?

dont bother with groups and all that crap
just leave if ya can...

does your mom love your dad so much that shes willing to overlook what he does?

im sure you half sister would love to meet you.

its heartbreaking to you , im sure its got to be.
but ya do have your future to deliver you from all this crap like someone else had posted earlier.

It would be great if you could go and stay with your mom's people
 
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VertigoGal said:
^what do you mean?

in the past 24 hours I've decided my family is pretty much cursed, it's (almost) humorous at this point :huh:
Click to expand...
basically its getting the sack, put in a nice way. :huh:

icarrieluvv: i am still in school,so i cant really get a decent job. I dont want to go away leave mum and my brother, id rather HE went. though there isnt much chance of that happening.

i plan to move away when im 18, maybe to Ireland, maybe back to England, but i spose ill take them with me if i do, and if i can.
 
well...just call the police when he gets up to his shenanigans
then atleast youll have some sort of "evidence" via police reports.

atleast you have your mom ....try and hang in there. and since your so young it may be good to look around to those groups...you can get alot of support ther..people who are goin thru the same thing

i thought you were older so ...thats why i was like just leave

reach outside your family for a bit of support...do it for you and your mom...and bro
 
Well, MooMoo! I know exactly where you are coming from. I am the older brother of a sister from a family where the exact same thing happened. I spent all my time at home behind my bedroom door because of my father's drinking as did my sister. She and I have a great relationship despite the mental abuse we suffered from our father over many many years. He is also from a different culture which didn't help the situation either.

I would like to tell you that it will all work out and be easily solved. But I can't, I stayed at home because I couldn't afford to move out, my sister moved to Alberta for a few years after high school, was so stressed out she needed psychological treatment to help with depression and it did help her. She had to get student loans for schooling and lodging which caused stress, I helped her as best I could with money but it was still a tough time. She went on to get her Arts Degree and is happily married now with a successful career and a little girl. I moved to BC from Newfoundland too, I think deep down inside, get as far away from my father as I physically could. I was kicked out of the house before I moved away because I dared to say my father was drunk during a visit to my grandparents. He like a typical alcoholic denied he was drunk and was so offended he kicked me out. I moved in with my sister and her fiancee for the final month before I moved away.

In the 8 and half years since I moved away, I have spoken to my father about 4 times, the last time was in early 2004 when he asked me to give him 5 grand. My poor mother is still stuck with him because, like your situation, of money. Although, he still drinks and has no money for anything other than booze. My mother is trapped in that low self-confidence, low self-esteem cycle of mental abuse by my father. We have tried to convince her to leave, rejoin the workplace and stuff but she hasn't left. My sister and I have basically given up, we can't waste our lives worrying about them. Frankly, we hope my father dies. It's reached that point. One less headache for everyone. My sister lives in the same province as my parents now and only visits my father when he is not drinking, she even goes in and waters down his booze when he's not looking. But she doesn't have a relationship with him persay but only visits because of our mother. I have been home twice in the past 2 years but not seen him either time.

In your situation, we just stuck it out until we were old enough to leave. It sucked, was horrible, I spent as much time out of the house as possible ( I spent 4-5 up to 7 days away from home at a time), friends never came to visit, and the house was run down. The best options are Al-Anon and help for yourself to get through this tough time in your life. I have learned you can't change people if they don't want help or are willing to change. We didn't use any support groups regretfully, my sister went to some Al-anon counselling after the fact and said it helped.

But on the bright side, you can survive this like my sister did, you are not alone, there are millions of people in who are or have lived in the same situation and come out of it. Alcoholism is the worst plague on our society and affects almost every family out there, some people are too ashamed to admit but it's soooo common now. Stay strong and stay safe, this is only a tiny period of your life, the best part is still to come and will be much happier and be bigger and better than right now.

Trev:hug:
 
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good post trev. :hug: and you're so right, ultimately you have to take care of yourself and your needs before anyone else's because there's not much you can do about him. as much as that sucks. but you still have your whole life to have a family and career and relationships separate from that. :)
 
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