I've gotta let it all out.

[LuckyNumber7]

Anybody who will listen, anybody. I'm at a shitty low point right now. I've got no idea who to turn to. All of my life, I've been so incredibly reserved. Locked up. Bottled up. I just wrote that in a response. And it got to me. I can't keep living like this. If you've got the time... please at least hear me. I'm throwing my pride out the door right now for the first time in forever.

All of this crap started around graduation in May. Over the last few months of high school I completely developed a sense of paranoia. I cannot sense a true persons intentions, whether it be in real life, on the internet, you name it. That paranoia led me to the distrust of my friends. And the realization that I truly lack that best friend or group of friends. I can fully accept that nobody disliked me. But at the same time, I realized I'm always on the outside looking in.

Countless times I was bailed upon for plans, ignored, etc., for lame shit. It completely went to my head. I isolated myself from everyone. I wanted to see who was faithful to me. It turns out that not that many people were. Maybe one, my good friend Ben. Over the summer I would go through roller coaster episodes of depression, although nobody knew anything of it. Nobody knows anything of it to this point, a year going on.

When I moved away here to Orlando, I'd never been more glad to get away from all of them. I wanted to start over new. I thought I had that chance. I thought my old friends would still be my friends and I could make new, better friends. It turns out that I got more of the same. Socially ignored. It made me feel like shit. I go through this daily now, up and down. Nobody knows anything of it. I share little in common with many of the people I associate as my friends, who I feel are almost my friends by default. I've made no friends outside of my 2 roomates and 1 or 2 people that I know from back home. And even then, I'm nearly outcasted. I often feel betrayed, and I'm always paranoid of my friends true intentions, especially because of what a bad experience I'd just went through.

Music is a huge part of my life. It governs my life. I often get ostracized for my musical tastes (shockingly U2 being the biggest one). I yearn for a friend who can share this passion with me. Sadly, not even a casual fan exists in my life. And for any of my musical taste, but most importantly U2. I'm not good at meeting new people. I've got no talents. No good looks. I wish I could play music, to express myself, and no matter how hard I try I figure I'm a failure. I've always been 'that kid'. Awful at everything. I want to go to the gym. Maybe one day get in shape. Fail at that too. My self-confidence is rock bottom. No matter where I go around here the majority is better than me at whatever it is. Academically I just don't give a shit anymore.

I get outcasted for not being a major pothead or smoking weed at all because every single friend I have does, and to ridiculous extents. I'd probably have a drinking problem, if I had someone to drink with but I dont. God forbid alcohol is actually present on a college campus and someone gets sick, I'd help them out and care for them. I dont think a single person would return that favor.

I haven't seen my old friends much less talked to them. I've given them an ultimatum in my head. If they want to be my friend they can make an effort. Which means I've effectively lost all of my old friends. And I have little to no friends, and certainly no good friends here.

It's 3:30 and somebody just knocked on my door asking for a lighter. I appeared at the door shaking as I am now and teary-eyed. I'm sure they wont bring the lighter back either, but I dont really care. I've lost my thought, but I dont even know what to do anymore. There's so much more to it than even this.

 

[The Edgetarian]

first, you need major

your story is partially quite familiar!
i'm a very reserved person myself, I'm not usually letting people close to me. For some reason there are some I seem to trust more than others, yet those people are rather good acquaintances.
i know my issue of not trusting people started somewhere in highschool, where people i thought were my friends just turned against me. I'm still quite unsure why they did it, but they did... but kids in school are just mean and stupid!

I struggle with this issue every week at least once and I always think that it should change, yet i still don't know how exactly. But I'm not just giving up that easy and I'm trying very hard to open up myself a little bit more and convince myself that not all people want to betray you or harm you!

i'm a bad adviser, but i think you should try going out - start to volunteer in some place/field that you're most interested in, you'll definitely meet with interesting people and get to do something good as well, which will boost your mood up!
Try making contact with U2 fans around your neighbourhood, i'm sure someone in this board must live near to you! maybe there are some who are looking for a penpal or something? Or try making contacts behind the venue, lots of bored fans there waiting to talk about their fav subject
And don't think that you're not good at anything - I'm sure there is something that you're good at! and even if you're not perfect in things what you do, just do it cause you love to do them and because you would love to try and do them! and trying usually gives progress as well! I love to think that trying beats the hell out of not trying at all! You can't know what good is out there waiting for you if you don't even let things happen to you!

And loneliness ain't always necessarily bad - you get to know yourself a lot more!
And when people outcast you just because you don't want to smoke or drink with them, they're not exactly made of friend-material anyway, I'd say! friends should at least value each other that much that they give them an opportunity to choose if they want to ruin their life with such poison or not!

Thing with old friends is that life just drifts you apart! I'm sure they'll sometimes think of you or even miss you, but today's lifestyle is just so busy to make any further steps for contact. Maybe they just think the same way and wait for you to contact them. And when both parts wait, you'll never get together. I think that occasionally you yourself should make a move and find a way to contact them! At least it's an option!
I also used to think that it's they who should make an effort to contact me, yet it doesn't require much to occasionally pick that phone and call on how they're doing. They are usually happy to hear about you!

i can't tell you what to do, but start with baby-steps and i think things will eventually get better!

 

[financeguy]

I don't believe you have no talents, you are probably down in yourself and have poor self-image currently. Psychometric and career aptitude testing can assist in assessing where your capabilities lie. There are plenty of tests on the internet - some are free.

Your not participating in dope-smoking is a positive, not a negative, some of those people will end up losers in later life if they don't curtail their habit. Canabis is not physically addictive but definitely habit-forming for some, and your acquantainces sound like pretty heavy tokers.

As for gymns, well gymns aren't for everyone. You can exercise at home, with cheap equipment. How about buying an exercise DVD and a set of dumbbells to start with? After a week or so, you may feel less intimidated at the prospect of joining a gymn, if that's want you want to do. Finally, in my opinion it is important to take some form of outdoor exercise every day, even if it's just a brisk walk.

 

[Casamares]

First of all, that was a good decision to share your problem with us.

All of my life, I've been so incredibly reserved. Locked up. Bottled up.

Well, you're not going to change that in a day or a week if you're just used to being like that. But you can easily try some small steps to open yourself.

That paranoia led me to the distrust of my friends.

Talk to your old friends and be honest with them. Explain your situation and everything that happened during the last months of high school. If they understand - they're true friends, if not - don't waste your time and find new ones.

Countless times I was bailed upon for plans, ignored, etc., for lame shit. It completely went to my head. I isolated myself from everyone. I wanted to see who was faithful to me. It turns out that not that many people were.

Oh, that hurts. And it's completely understandable how it destroyed your self confidence. But do you want those people to still affect your life? Try to forget about the past.

Maybe one, my good friend Ben. Over the summer I would go through roller coaster episodes of depression, although nobody knew anything of it. Nobody knows anything of it to this point, a year going on.

That was your choice. You decided to suffer from loneliness. Why didn't you trust Ben? He could help you, but you didn't want it.

When I moved away here to Orlando, I'd never been more glad to get away from all of them. I wanted to start over new. I thought I had that chance. I thought my old friends would still be my friends and I could make new, better friends. It turns out that I got more of the same. Socially ignored.

You have to become more involved. Be active. Contact with your old friends, don't let them forget about you. Try to meet new people and don't wait until they come to you and ask: "Could I be your friend?". Scout around. Who knows, maybe there are some people around you in a similar situation to yours. Start conversation etc. Your blockade should be overcome.

Music is a huge part of my life. It governs my life. I often get ostracized for my musical tastes (shockingly U2 being the biggest one).

You have your own musical taste, others have theirs. Don't let anybody treat you bad because of the music you listen to.

I yearn for a friend who can share this passion with me. Sadly, not even a casual fan exists in my life. And for any of my musical taste, but most importantly U2.

That's what interference is for. You can search for some fans in your area.

I'm not good at meeting new people.

It's high time to change it, unless you still would like to be alone.

I've got no talents.

I'm sure you're wrong. Everybody has a talent, maybe you haven't found yours yet. But keep searching. Find a hobby. Gym which you mentioned is a good idea.

It's 3:30 and somebody just knocked on my door asking for a lighter. I appeared at the door shaking as I am now and teary-eyed. I'm sure they wont bring the lighter back either, but I dont really care. I've lost my thought, but I dont even know what to do anymore. There's so much more to it than even this.

Try to get it back. You should show your mates you don't want to be exploited.


I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll meet new friends, because it's not as difficult as you think! There are many people in your country, aren't there?

Take care.

 

[ryancoke71]

A lot of what I would have said has been said already. I just wanted to give you these!

As for finding fellow U2 fans...Besides my hubby, I really knew no one else who was. I live in a pretty small city, and as luck would have it, I have made a great friend on here from where I live.

Good luck. I have been where you are!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think you put yourself down way too much. It all begins and ends with how you feel about yourself-no number of friends or fun times or any of that can make up for emptiness inside of you. Ultimately only you can do that. You're so young I would guess, I hope you don't take offense because I don't mean it in an offensive way-but at your age everything can be so magnified in your head. If you can try to take a step back from it and see the bigger picture

You live in a beautiful place, especially in the winter. Take advantage of that right now and walk every day. It clears your head, it does for me. You can meet people too. Drugs and alcohol aren't the answer-so stay away from that crap and stay strong. It is all small steps, baby steps. You just have to start somewhere. If you're in college maybe you could talk to a counselor as a first step. Nothing wrong with needing or asking for help-we all need it at different points in our lives. What about your parents, can you talk to them? Or siblings?

 

[LuckyNumber7]

Well, thank you all for reading. As I'm a typical roller coaster of emotion at the moment (and as much as I wish that were never the case), right now I'm feelin fine.

The reasonable me has come to a few conclusions. 1. I've spoken to a few people, some of the very few people I can confide in. Talking to those people who always deserved to be talked to.

Made the decision that those who don't deserve it, wont hear from me ever again. They know how to contact me, and if they cared enough they will.

I think the most important thing is that I find friends with similar connections and interests with me. That's the biggest issue with all of my friendships. I'm not disliked, but there's just nothin goin for me. I'm gonna try my best, and it's tough, to make new friends with similar interests. It's the only way to get out of this, and I hate sounding like a friggin downer. Most importantly, I let it out to a few people. To the ones I was unsure of their intentions.

I'm sure I'll be back down a few times here and there, but I need to fight through it. Fix myself. Thanks everyone.

 

[Canadiens1131]

After you graduate high school, it becomes socially acceptable to show up to places by yourself to meet people.

Join clubs that you have an interest in, go to concerts, go to social events vaguely related to your interests, go to meetup.com meet ups, hang out in public spaces with a book, whatever.

It sounds like you are living too much of your life in your head. If you feel like an outcast or a wet blanket then you're projecting that to everyone you know now or will meet, so it's self-defeating. I hate to say people in general hate hanging out with a wet blanket, but they do.

Just throw yourself into as many social situations as possible and just by probability you'll meet people eventually. If you appear to care less about meeting genuine friends, you'll come off as less needy and astonishingly end up meeting genuine friends.