Its just been onea those lives

[unforgettableFOXfire]

So yeah, Ive been having a rough go of it for the past couple months. My depression was gone, was being the keyword there. However, certain sensitivities of mine have been negatively aggrevated, and I was promised by everyone that university would mark the begining of new and good things.

In some ways it has. For instance, my parents arent on my ass for being up in the wee hours of the morning because I cant sleep, or choose not to sleep, or am on the computer musing my being. I really hated highschool, and university has been awesome in that its nothing like highschool whatsoever. However, university has isolated me from anyone and everyone. I dont see any of my friends anymore, ever, even though they go to the same place. Ive made all of two new friends at university, one of whom I dont see at all, the other who I see tuesdays and thursdays only and whos always running off to see her boyfriend - so, logistically, Ive really not made any friends at all since nobody talks to me, and if they do its a one conversation deal and then they exercise their ability to disappear. So, where does that leave me? Spending all my time on the bus, doing schoolwork, or trying to find ways to pass the time by myself. If total isolation is one of these new and good things, give me back the bad times.

To compound matters, Ive tried to involve myself in extra curricular activities. However, history club meets on thursdays (when i have scouts). Kung fu has just been cancelled, and otherwise their private and expensive meetings are also held on thursdays (when I have scouts). So, now I need to get my money back from that, and have lost yet another outlet for personal frustrations, a place to meet people, and to continue down that path of selfdevelopment. Additionally, philosophy club hasnt set any meeting dates at all, perhaps due to lack of interest.

I have no job, no job prospects, and the places I applied to have not responded to me at all yet.

So, no friends, no job, no money, no social outlet, no means of personal selfimprovement that I can afford/have time for, oodles of homework that Im not altogether sure why Im paying $4000 for other than 'its necessary', and really no source of happiness or even recreation. On the plus side, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and passably decent health. I have life to live for, but nothing in that life to make it worth living - if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I especially have no best friends or anyone I can trust to tell anything, and I dare not say some of the things I think in any public journal or forum. Truly, Im stuck in a box.

I dont know how to get out of said box, but I want out. No man is a selfsustaining rock/island (read: Simon & Garfunkel, I am a rock, I am an island - satire). I cannot live like this, its sliding me further and further downhill... Im really quite tired of my life, even if it could be worse - but hey, things could always be worse, thats what a relative term like 'worse' is all about.

I do good things, I volunteer, I help people, Im polite, I have strong well-grounded convictions, Im not malicious to anyone, I dont wish harm upon anyone, I put others before myself... and yet when it comes to the matter of me - i have nothing. No happiness, no good feelings of "doing the right thing", no feelings like other people value me, no feelings that Im making a difference, no feelings of anything, no reward of any sort - and thats fine, Im not in it for the reward. However, it would be nice to have a little respect from others, have others return the favour and do/say nice things for/to me. I can only give so much. Im totally drained. I feel no love, I feel no comfort, no distinct 'homeness' that I actually belong somewhere, I dont feel valued in any way whatsoever. It makes me wonder why bother, wouldnt it just be easier to be the same asshole that splashes people with his car when its raining, or checks to see if someone is coming behind him when he opens a door and then makes all efforts to make sure it doesnt stay open for them, or the person who cuts line, the person who uses others only for personal gain just because he can.


What I want to know is, how I deserve this. Why is it that I feel nothing but miserable. Why is it that people all around me have happy little niches and Im stuck on the outside.

I shouldnt feel compelled to come into a public forum wtih my problems once every two weeks and complain because I have nowhere else to go with it.

Im so sick of everything.

 

[theSoulfulMofo]

i'm sorta in the same boat... except it's been a few years since i graduated from college.

 

[Pinball Wizard]

The anonymity and isolation of university is inevitable. At one point I was lost in the mix, trying to stay afloat in an uncomfortable degree path. It took me 3 years to figure out what I would like to do...

The bureaucratically-imposed degradation of your emotional being is part of the process... hopefully you can find your cue, so you can take full advantage of such a sterile and pre-formatted experience. Once you wield the power of choice, their curricularized dogma will be insignificant, and you'll be free to explore your potential.

You might even find one of those elusive social lives...

good luck to another in a struggle for identification and recognition.

 

[meegannie]

I have a lot of the same issues. In undergrad I decided to completely change myself and acted all confident and outgoing and joined EVERY activity on campus, held leadership positions, organized events, etc. I only slept for four hours every other night. The only times I had to myself were the weekends when everyone else went home. It was COMPLETELY exhausting....physically, psychologically, and mentally. I had a great resume and some really good friends, but I was always on edge and would have nervous breakdowns once a week.

Now I'm in grad school and don't know anyone, and the worst part is that I don't even want to. I just have SO much trouble in social situations. I can put on an act for a bit, but never for three years again. The reality is that I don't like superficial friendships, I don't like going out to clubs, and I feel very awkward and self-concious around everyone to the point that when I have to leave my room and be around people I spend the whole time wanting to go home and cry. It's not that I don't like the people I've met; it's that I don't have the patience or level of trust necessary to want to get to know them and I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know. I know I should probably force myself to go out to a club or bar with them, but I'm terrified of taking the risk because I feel so out of place and different and people are less likely to actively dislike you if you're never around.

I've applied for jobs on campus so I have something other than the four hours of class a week (2 hours on Mondays and 2 on Wednesdays) that forces me to leave my room and to have some extra money so I can't justify not going out by being poor, but I'm over-qualified for everything or don't have relevant experience and so many other people are applying for these jobs that I can't even get an interview. So I just end up feeling worse about myself because I'm not good enough to get even a part-time job.

I have a fiance who I love more than anything but both of us are too busy and too poor to see each other more than once a month or so, and I feel like I'm a constant burden on him because I'm always down and spend all of my time at home by myself. I'm incredibly insecure and always afraid that everything I do will make him want to leave me. Sometimes I can't talk to him, which kills me, but only because sometimes I can't even talk to myself. Part of me puts up walls that the other part of me can't tear down.

The relationship presents an additional difficulty because I will have a hard time legally staying in this country after my MA programme is finished next September, and I can't stay here on a spouse visa unless we can prove we have sufficient funds, which at this point, we don't. It's incredibly hard for a US citizen to find a job here, especially one with my poor qualifications/skills and lack of experience. I don't have a home in the US where I could stay for any more than a week or two and I don't have the money to just get my own place somewhere and hope I can find a job until we're able to get married. I want to study zoology but don't have the money and I'm already $30,000 in student loan debt.

I obsess over money even though I'm probably financially fine, all just because I'm terrified of an emergency coming up and being left on my own and forced to ask someone else for financial help. So instead of going out and having drinks with people, I sit at home and check my bank balance and convert the dollars into pounds for the seventh time that week.

I'm very depressive, but I'm afraid not to be depressed because it's a major part of what makes me me, and without it I wouldn't know who I am. I was on medication last year but it just made me feel numb, trapped, empty, and fake. I'm more creative when I'm depressed and it's the only time when I can feel certain things. I need both the highs and the lows and can only live at the extreme ends of feeling or I don't feel alive at all.

I'm paranoid, emotionally over-analytical, unstable, too sensitive, negative, overly-critical of myself, anti-social and self-destructive, and the hardest thing of all is knowing that. Ultimately, I spend all of my time here alone because I choose to. It all comes down to me being afraid of relying on people. I don't want to be myself around people because I'd be trusting them too much and I don't want to give anyone any way of hurting me, even unintentionally. I want to keep all of my life and myself to myself and that way I'm in control and if anything goes wrong it's my fault.

I want to escape from myself and at the same time, I want to withdraw so far in that nothing can get to me. I want to push people away, and I want to completely smother them. I want to focus on everything I have in common with others and every way we're completely different. I want people to know everything about me and nothing. Everything about me is a contradiction and a constant battle between extremes.

I don't know if this has any relevance to your post to you, but reading your post reminded me of some aspects of me. I hope you find at least a degree of lasting calm soon and that the circumstances in your life that you can't control turn in your favour.

 

[hiphop]

I?m so sorry for both of you. Let me know if I can help you in any way. I?m not a lot better off than you are... it?s just that at the very moment I am in a positive mood.

Always remember that you are very precious to this world. And meegannie, I know it?s getting cold, winter is arriving, try to.. enjoy life a little more. Do it for me if not for yourself.

I mean, take a look at my situation. I am nearly 30 y.o. and I have not finished my studies yet. I got a job that just about finances my lifestyle. I go to work in suit and tie from monday to friday, feeling like a f***in secretary. I have not been able to travel this summer due to my job. Luckily, I?m not 30k in debt, but with 30 years, I never was engaged (what a pity, but she said no).

Sometimes I believe in love, sometimes I doubt it, especially when I realize how tough the intelligent, independent girls have become. I live my rocknroll lifestyle and what do I care if it makes me feel lonely sometimes. I put on many masks, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I have no other chance... I know this world pretty well, and there is no place to show that one is true to himself, that one is sensible and dependent and cares, cares such a lot, and is hurt by the news and yet untouchable.

Far off from being depressive... Hell, I?ve had more depressing times in my life. I can say I do feel fine. I got a flat, a job, and my studies, interesting courses, a few very good friends; I got my health. I can always play piano too.

So, I guess I?ll just keep sighin? to myself

If you want to do me a favor, go out more. And if its simply for a walk. Care for yourself, do a little good thing to yourself every day, get a candy bar or go to the movies, ... you, of all people, deserve to be happy.

Smile, tho your heart is aching
Smile, even tho it?s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You?ll get by, if you
Smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You?ll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That?s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what?s the use of crying
You?ll find that life is still worthwile
If you?ll just smile

 

[martha]

On a mdeical note, a chemical imbalance can be helped by medication. Look into it.

Seriously.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Everyone, how bout a round of hugs on the house

Martha, Ive considered it, Ive got stuff to help my insomnia if Im in a fix, but I really dont want to take pills the rest of my life, imbalance or no imbalance, I dont feel that that is an acceptable long term solution - plus Id have to go see a doctor about it, and then theyd send me to a specialist, and blah blah blah... I dont even have a doctor thanks to the lovely shortage up north of the border here so bleh. Iruno... Thing is, it may make dealing with things easier, but it doesnt make the problems that Im aware of go away. Who knows... maybe Im crazy and am just foolish enough to think that I can deal with it.

 

[martha]

Everyone, how bout a round of hugs on the house

Martha, Ive considered it, Ive got stuff to help my insomnia if Im in a fix, but I really dont want to take pills the rest of my life, imbalance or no imbalance,

Keep it in the back of your mind, though. Due to surgery, I take a little green pill of happiness every day, and I'm a better person for it. I could go without them, but I choose not to.


Good luck to you, little FOX. We all care, you know.

 

[BAW]

I agree with Martha that you should at least think about it foxy...I also hate the idea of being on a pill for the rest of my life but maybe you could consider it for the short term, at least while you are at University and having such a rough time

Maybe when you're done with school and the pressures involved, you'll be better equipped to deal with life and can face it head on with no meds?

 

[Mrs.Clayton]

I was in the same boat as you...I quit school and moved home.
Every two weeks I think I need Martha's little green pill.

Mrs.Clayton

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

Jeremy, you know many of times I have thought to myself while I am on the road or at home "is this how my life is going to be? Sleeping alone, traveling alone not having anyone but my mother and sister to call to let them know that I have landed safely"? This is something that gets me upset when I think about it and I am 28 but when I get upset it usually pisses me off and I feel determined to do something about it but nothing really comes about because I get too involved in myself. I know I am not going to be single forever but since I am single now I am going to live my life for myself and enjoy the time that I have to myself and not have to worry about checking in with a boyfriend and worrying about him cheating or have him worry about me cheating while I am on the road. Now isn't that sad, my thoughts about having a relationship are usually marked by unfaithfulness.

Anyway It will be ok for me and you and everyone else in here. Things could be worse for us all. Be thankful for what and who have in your life now and do not take them for granted.

 

[Laura M]

I just started uni I really like it but I have met a few new ppl every day I go to lunch or something with someone new

I just fling myself into the uni life I talk to anyone who will listen and if there are any rude ppl - which there are only a few I ignore them - I find everyone else is really nice tho and ppl even ask me for my mobile number and tell me its nice to meet me and stuff Nobody liked me in school I left and had no friends but I have new friends now who I used to go to school with but never spoke to.

I have about 1 or 2 good friends only one of them I could trust....well when shes sober

Everyone has been saying they havent met pplp yet but I think it takes time to get settled I only have been in 2 proper weeks so far - Im sure ill meet more ppl....

I talk and talk to everyone - thats the spirit

But things do annoy me and I do spend time by myself and sometimes Im antisocial And sometimes Im not very happy either but I just get over that and get into the swing of things and try not to be so ungrateful, because I am ungrateful sometimes and selfish.

I'm sure you will start to meet lots of new ppl once you get used ot things

 

[Amigone]

I agree with Martha. I went through a bout of depression a few years ago, and I was on anti-depressants for 18 months to help me through it. Meds aren't always the answer, but they help definately. They're not always forever.

 

[~LadyLemon~]

I have no answers for you, but just wanted to let you know that I am often in the same boat. I have always felt like the outsider, even while amongst all my friends. I am also the type to see all the great qualities in my friends and family, but are blind to those wonderful things that are in myself. I just graduated from college, and I am taking a year off before going to grad school. I am doing some major soul-searching at the moment. I know I have the capacity to be happy, or at least mildly content for long periods of time, but it's been a while so I am trying to find it within myself again.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Jeremy. I have had the suggestion of a prescription brought up to me as well, but, like you, I really don't want to have to depend on a pill for my happiness. Also, I have heard that if you ever have to get off of it for any reason, the depression can get much worse.

I find myself wanting to be happy more often than actually being it, and wonder constantly if I will ever be able to do enough work within myself so I can actually acheive that goal. I'm trying to find a person to talk to at the moment, so we'll see how that goes. I get depressed at the drop of a hat, like when I'm at a bar or restaurant and see people walking around, laughing, having fun. It doesn't matter that I'm with friends or family (people who I'm supposed to be happy around), all of a sudden I feel unwelcome and want to go home and never come out of my room. I cannot take a compliment to save my life, often feel as if I am not living up to my full potential, well, the list goes on. I know that these issues are part of what's been preventing me from doing more of what I would like to with my life the last year and a half, and also with finding a boyfriend (or even going out on dates).

I hope things get better for you, as well as everyone else who has posted in this thread. All we can do is try and find our own way.

 

[meegannie]

Reactions to anti-depressants really depend on the person and the drug. I was on two different kinds last year (I was limited in my options because I couldn't take anything that would sedate me since I'm constantly feeling tired). I just didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel. They didn't make me happy, they just made it impossible for me to be physically depressed. I couldn't cry or feel anything, but I was still sad. In some ways that was probably helpful, but I just didn't like it. They also caused me to start grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw at night, took away my appetite (though that a was a plus ), and gave me a LOT of memory problems, which was really scary. When I tried to go off them, I was nauseous and dizzy and had terrible headaches.

 

[DiGi]

Have you all thought about talking to a counselor?

Someone I know has had some depression issues for a while. She was on some meds for a while; the first few combinations did not work at all. She eventually tried something else played with the dose level for a while and found something that helped. ln addition, started seeing a counselor and is making a work change. She is a lot better now. Of these things I think the two most important long-term items are the counselor, and the decision to make a change in an work environment that was not a good fit at the time.

I hate to see you all feeling like this. It?s not how life should be at all. Volunteering, being nice to others, or looking to some activity, etc. to take care of a deep issue does not work. Nor will the real issue go away on its own, via this course of action. In fact I would argue this is more destructive as you start questioning yourself as to why you still feel bad. Its not a bad thing to get some professional help. In fact help is a good thing. Maybe all you need is shove in the right direction with the help of the right person.

You all should read the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The book is thought provoking if nothing else.

 

[~LadyLemon~]

You all should read the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The book is thought provoking if nothing else.

I'll have to check into that (I have heard of it before). I am seeing someone right now about all this (this isn't the first time...more like the 4th since 2000...I guess I can just throw all my shit out into the open...I have nothing to hide here!), but lately, it hasn't been helping as much as it has in the past.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Thanks for the suggestion, Digi. I will look into it.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

April Thanks, but no thanks on the perscription thingy... but nonetheless,

Digi, Ill look into it when I can find the time and money to go book hunting, but Ive got it written down on my little notepad of stuff to not forget, so yeah. Thanks

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Oh, foxy, I wasn't suggesting it... I said that I was with you on the "no drugs for happiness" bit, lol.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Oh, foxy, I wasn't suggesting it... I said that I was with you on the "no drugs for happiness" bit, lol.

Very true... lol... I guess I just misread it.

I believe this new understanding ought to be followed up with yet another hug, just 'cause




I miss hugs... I havent had a hug in *counts on fingers* four months? *big frown* too long anyway.

 

[IWasBored]

I shouldnt feel compelled to come into a public forum wtih my problems once every two weeks and complain because I have nowhere else to go with it.

that's what's great about this place. i know i certainly can't help you because when i let myself stop and think, i end up feeling the same way. but in a public internet place like this, you're bound to get a bunch of people who have good advice. and unlike a bunch of other boards i've been to, you'll get asnwers from people who care.

don't do what i do. i avoid thinking about how i'm going nowhere, have no friends, suck at life in general, etc. it works great until i go to sleep at night...

i hate sitting here saying 'i know how you feel' without being able to offer any real help.

hang in there.

 

[martha]

Just because.