It seems as though nothing is real in my life

[For Honor]

I'm not really depressed, I don't think.


It's just that I have a way of thinking about things and I sort of destroy everything... I don't really know what I want to do. I have minmal desires, which can mean everything to me, possibly.


But.


I don't feel challenged anymore.
Maybe it has something to do with Highschool being over now
But.... I've felt like this for some time now, and I didn't know how to say it until this moment.

Carpe Diem, seize the day, I'ver been told
BUt....
I don't feel I have any goals right now



Perhaps I should take this moment to
Aquire some

I know it is just a moment and time,
and I shouldn/t get stuck in a moment, so I won't.


But
It would be more typical to be happy
happy my graduation party is saturday
Happy school is over
Happy I'll be going to college
Happy that I'm alive and well


But there is still a sense ....
irrelevance
Just another day
not neccesarily in a bad way

and i feel a sort of solitude
BUt I'm not depressed, like I said. I know what that is like.


Maybe I've done too much thinkin
Mabe I've spent too much time thinking and writing, perhaps that is it.


Maybe I am right, though
And should spend this time thinking about what goals I should pursue..

 

[For Honor]

Things seem pety, fleeting, and insubstantial.

Whether that is because they really are, or perhaps I am trying to draw meaning from them too much, I don't know.


And I am not a typical person I realize.
But it seems like whenever I talk to someone
They don't ... really undersand me, or perhaps take the time to
And it's like

Why am I bothering?

It is easy to BS a converstion about nothing
It happens all the time.


Maybe I have a problem with being too serious about things, I don't konw

 

[WinnieThePoo]

try to find yourself
what do you like to do ?
what do you want
what is good and what is bad

some good films about personal crisis




JFK
Fight Club
Kill Bill Vol 1,2



choose
i believe , you are a good person
don't do bad things
thimk positive
and don't be afraid

 

[For Honor]

Fight club was okay... but...

I am left with a bad feeling about that movie.



I don't think I have done anything all day.
And I like need to do something
Productive
Something to keep me centered, focused.


But when I am confronted with something, I instantly denounce it as being irrelevant. And then everything becomes irrlevant...


I wonder if I am making excuses somehow.
TIme for me to do something, I suppose....



Thanks for your words, though

 

[For Honor]

I wonder if part of it is I don't involve myseslf enough in things....

 

[ZeroDude]

I wonder if part of it is I don't involve myseslf enough in things....

Keep yourself occupied and your mind won't wander as much, to be honest your not unlike be me in that respect, we think more than sometimes may be healthy and good for our mental well being and the happiness of those close to us, I write songs, play guitar to while away the time I would otherwise spend gestating in my own thought

 

[For Honor]

I am not so bad..... as long as I have a clear purpose in direction.....


.....


I'm doing better now, though. I just have to remember that I have a lot of "mental inertia", and need to find ways to be "productive", or at least trick my self into thinking I will be, so that I can do something.

I really am someone who always has to be building or moving in some direction, becaues even though I have a tendancy to be lazy,..........


it is unimaginably irrattating!

And it all has to do with the meaning of things for me. And it helps if I try to do something that affects something larger than myself, perhaps the community, etc. But years of isolaton and solitude have left me with a lot of bad habbits....


I think another aspect of things will be replacing those habbits with better, more mature, more advantageous, exploring, and productive ones.




wish me luck....
but I'll manage no matter what

 

[WinnieThePoo]

feel good
feel good
feel good

 

[For Honor]

feeling is relative

To me, and it has been this way for a while... as long as I am doing something right, something good, it doesn't matter how I feel personally


I jjjust need to stay focused on something.


A goal, so that I have
something in sight

and I ccan work on not loosing sight of it


I am a builder without anything to build at the moment...

but it is coming slowly.....

 

[WinnieThePoo]

Lee Marvin fan ?

 

[For Honor]

never heard of him



sounds vaugely familary, actually. but I have no idea who he is

 

[WinnieThePoo]

nah , it's a quote from Reservoir Dogs

but nevermind
well , where were we?
ah , i got into college , july 20 , my orientation , i'm a bit too excited about this
u doing any sports ?

 

[For Honor]

sports, eh?


THanks to my special upbringing, I never really got into sports much, but I could be an athelete, maybe, if I really worked for it. But I don't blame anyone but myself for not being more into sports

I hope to do a lot of intramural stuff, and I am huge frisbee fan, whether it be throwing it around the backyard or more organized ultimate frisbee. There isn't football at the college I'm going to, SUNY Geneseo, but I probably wouldn't be able to play if there were anyway.

They have soccer and lacross and hockey, which is kind of fitting since Geneseo is south of Buffalo, NY, and gets hammered with lots of snow - (I love snow).


I did another thread in this forun entitled "some good news". So needless to say, I'm feeling alittle better these days, which is good

tomorrow....*ahem*.... I mean, in about 9 hours...
I will be walking down and getting my diploma, and saying goodbye to highschool forever!

looking forward to that, for sure.


I hope I didn't miss my college orientation.... hmm... better check that out