Is there a doctor in the house?

[DaveC]

Here we go. A real confessional.

So I've reached my breaking point.

I've felt for the past few years (I really noticed it first when I moved out of res in 2006, although looking back it's been going on since at least high school) that I'm in a huge funk. Today I sat down and wrote out a list of things that "aren't quite right" with me, and it's a lot longer than I thought it would end up being. Here it is:

- Feeling generally down, occasional feelings of utter hopelessness.
- No motivation to take on new tasks/projects, or to start things that HAVE to be done (cleaning the house, looking for a job, etc)
- Can't finish tasks I start before moving onto something else
- Can't focus on what I'm currently doing/losing interest quickly (if I'm reading a book, I usually can't get through more than a page or two before my thoughts start to drift)
- Self-medicating (since '05-'06, I've been smoking a LOT of weed and drinking more - or anything else I can seem to get my hands on - than I used to just to take my mind off things and feel better for a little while - it's getting way beyond excessive at this point)
- I always feel physically "off", constantly feeling ill or just generally sore
- 90% of the time, I'm in a low mood, and I find it much more difficult to go from feeling down to feeling alright than vice versa.
- I get anxious over small things (meeting people, sometimes even just being out in public) but I find I don't really care all that much about big things I should care about (I often didn't give a rat's ass about exams or papers in school and it really killed my marks)
- Difficulty making new friends (I often feel like I'm "not good enough" to hang out with others when I meet them, sometimes "why would (so-and-so) want to hang out with me?" runs through my head when I'm trying to meet new people)
- Difficulty sleeping (I have at least one sleepless night a week, usually more)
- Impulsivity (in spending money, or trying to find things to do)
- Uninterested/detached from everything. I often feel like the world is turning without me, and that everything's just passing me by, and often I really just don't care about anything. I've tried to pass it off to my friends that I'm just a laidback guy, but I just don't give a fuck about anything really.
- I change my mind all the time, on career plans, on what I'm going to do today, on just about everything really.
- I also have occasional thoughts of blasting myself. I was out on the rifle range with my Army unit last weekend and thought at least half a dozen times that I could pop myself in 2 seconds, and not have to worry about anything anymore (but I'm not at that point yet). I have thought about it probably once a month or so for the past two years.
- I have a stepbrother with ADHD, a cousin with Crohn's, and another cousin with type I diabetes. Both my grandfathers have heart problems, and all the older women on my mother's side of the family have Alzheimer's (grandma, great-aunts, great grandma, etc)

I'm at my breaking point here. I feel like I need to do something one way or another. I can't keep living like this or I'm going to start to tailspin. I've tried everything I can think of to get out of this (forcing myself to hang out with new people, the self-medicating thing, working out when I feel down) but nothing is working.

Can anyone who's been through something similar (or not, even) give me any advice? What should I do? I'm sick of this. Help.

 

[A_Wanderer]

I would wager some flavor of depression, apparently they have drugs for that.

 

[DaveC]

That's what I've been thinking. But of course, everyone's a fuckin' doctor and whenever I mention this stuff I've been "diagnosed" with everything from diabetes to depression to adult ADD to "being a little bitch".

I'm thinking maybe I should make an appointment with a real MD and actually figure all this out.

 

[A_Wanderer]

I would go to an MD and try to get a referral to a psych; the pervasive bad mood, apathy, sleep disturbance, suicide ideation, drug abuse and social anxiety do seem to have a correlation, and if you are having thoughts about offing yourself a red light should be blinking.

 

[indra]

I'm thinking maybe I should make an appointment with a real MD and actually figure all this out.

Yep.

I'm not a doctor, but I do deal with depression, and most (if not all) of your symptoms are very familiar to me. So yep, get thee butt to a doctor. Anti depressants (some which also help a lot with anxiety) can help you get your life back. Therapy can do wonders too, and in combination they can be even better.

 

[DaveC]

if you are having thoughts about offing yourself a red light should be blinking.

It is. The fact that I couldn't get that thought out of my head when I had a loaded assault rifle in my hands really worries me; as I said I'm not at that point where I'd actually do it (yet), but still, it was enough to concern.

Anyways, I made an appointment with the campus health clinic for tomorrow morning. I'll go and give my list to the doctor and see what he/she says. I don't feel completely hopeless yet, I know it can get better so I'll see if I can start the steps to get there.

ETA: Thank God for the Phillies.

 

[No spoken words]

Fuck, Dave. Sorry that you are going through all of this.

While I do not suffer from it, my Mother's side of the family has a long history of depression, and a lot of what you've mentioned very much sounds familiar to me.

As has been said already, start with an MD and get yourself referred to someone to look after your mental health. Maybe you can do away with the self-medication and turn towards something that might better attack your symptoms...however, from what I have witnessed....and I'm no expert, obviously, but, again, from what I've seen....the drugs do attack the symptoms, but therapy and a commitment to getting better are the only ways to attack the disease itself.....so hopefully the two, working in concert, can help you make strides towards getting better. I guess I'm just echoing Indra here, but still, it's what I've observed.

One last thing....while I cannot talk you into thinking differently of yourself, I can tell you that myriad reasons do exist for people to want to be friends with you. Not me, because fuck you and fuck the Phillies and the Eagles and the Sun Devils and Canada....but others? Sure.

Dave, I think this was a brave first step; not an easy thing to do, admit you need help and then seek it out in this manner......so, kudos for doing this and, truly, best of luck to you.....

 

[Screwtape2]

- Feeling generally down, occasional feelings of utter hopelessness.
- No motivation to take on new tasks/projects, or to start things that HAVE to be done (cleaning the house, looking for a job, etc)
- Can't focus on what I'm currently doing/losing interest quickly (if I'm reading a book, I usually can't get through more than a page or two before my thoughts start to drift)
- Self-medicating (since '05-'06, I've been smoking a LOT of weed and drinking more - or anything else I can seem to get my hands on - than I used to just to take my mind off things and feel better for a little while - it's getting way beyond excessive at this point)
- I always feel physically "off", constantly feeling ill or just generally sore
- 90% of the time, I'm in a low mood, and I find it much more difficult to go from feeling down to feeling alright than vice versa.
- I get anxious over small things (meeting people, sometimes even just being out in public) but I find I don't really care all that much about big things I should care about (I often didn't give a rat's ass about exams or papers in school and it really killed my marks)
- Difficulty making new friends (I often feel like I'm "not good enough" to hang out with others when I meet them, sometimes "why would (so-and-so) want to hang out with me?" runs through my head when I'm trying to meet new people)
- Difficulty sleeping (I have at least one sleepless night a week, usually more)
- Impulsivity (in spending money, or trying to find things to do)
- Uninterested/detached from everything. I often feel like the world is turning without me, and that everything's just passing me by, and often I really just don't care about anything. I've tried to pass it off to my friends that I'm just a laidback guy, but I just don't give a fuck about anything really.
- I also have occasional thoughts of blasting myself. I was out on the rifle range with my Army unit last weekend and thought at least half a dozen times that I could pop myself in 2 seconds, and not have to worry about anything anymore (but I'm not at that point yet). I have thought about it probably once a month or so for the past two years.

That is textbook depression right there. You should see an MD soon because depression can be part of bigger things. Good luck, Dave.

One more thing Dave, if you are diagnosed for depression make you go to a highly qualified therapist because they are the best at finding the problem. Sometimes therapy can eliminate the need for medication. I know that by experience.

 

[TranceEnding]

Yep.

I'm not a doctor, but I do deal with depression, and most (if not all) of your symptoms are very familiar to me. So yep, get thee butt to a doctor. Anti depressants (some which also help a lot with anxiety) can help you get your life back. Therapy can do wonders too, and in combination they can be even better.

good luck .. my advice is to get onto it (whatever it is exactly) straight away ...

 

[last unicorn]

Sounds totally like depression to me. I had this for many years, it's important to seek treatment in order to be able to enjoy life again. Good luck!

 

[DaveC]

Thanks for the support from everyone. Your notes actually brightened my day a bit. I went to the doc this morning and it looks like things are hopefully on their way to getting better. Much love, Interference.

 

[VintagePunk]

I went to the doc this morning and it looks like things are hopefully on their way to getting better.

 

[anitram]

Good for you.

The first step is always hard. Should they recommend meds, my word of advice is that many times people have to change from one to another several times before they find one that works. On top of that, it can take weeks if not a couple of months for your blood levels to equilibrate and you really start benefiting. So please stick with it for the long term if you can and you'll see pay off.

And find some people in real life, at least one person, whom you can share this with. You'll need it and it's nice to know that somebody out there will keep an eye on you. It's so valuable.

 

[UberBeaver]

Good luck, buddy. Sucks to be down in a funk like that. You'll be out of it soon enough.

 

[DaveC]

wow, i somehow just came across this thread in a search...obviously things got better (i'm still here after all) and a big reason was the support and replies here giving me motivation to get the help i clearly needed. i was a lot closer to suicide than i let on at the time, so even though most of you don't post here anymore, just in case you see it, thank you so much to all of you for likely saving my life and giving me this past decade. i have a pretty awesome life now, and if it wasn't for this place i'm not sure i'd be around to enjoy it.

 

[corianderstem]

:-( But also [emoji813]

 

[MsPurrl]

wow, i somehow just came across this thread in a search...obviously things got better (i'm still here after all) and a big reason was the support and replies here giving me motivation to get the help i clearly needed. i was a lot closer to suicide than i let on at the time, so even though most of you don't post here anymore, just in case you see it, thank you so much to all of you for likely saving my life and giving me this past decade. i have a pretty awesome life now, and if it wasn't for this place i'm not sure i'd be around to enjoy it.

Wishing you many, many more happy years!

 

[Macfistowannabe]

wow, i somehow just came across this thread in a search...obviously things got better (i'm still here after all) and a big reason was the support and replies here giving me motivation to get the help i clearly needed. i was a lot closer to suicide than i let on at the time, so even though most of you don't post here anymore, just in case you see it, thank you so much to all of you for likely saving my life and giving me this past decade. i have a pretty awesome life now, and if it wasn't for this place i'm not sure i'd be around to enjoy it.

[emoji813]

Glad to hear things are much better for you these days.