is being passionately in love neccesary for a relationship?

[Amélie]

hmm it's bit weird... let me explain the situation :

a year ago I was in Dublin, I was 'together' with an Australian guy. I met him earlier that year in september and I went back in november last year. It was the most romantic weekend of my life.
There was a lot of passion... but we could not me together. I wanted to try, he didn't want to, which sucked for me.

We kept contact and I went back in february and it was the same as in november, we acted like a couple, did everything a couple does but we were not together.
I was very much in love with that person. He liked me too.. but not enough. Or he was not honest or scared...
It was very hard to get over that. I know that the relationship would have been difficult
There was so much passion and desire between us....
I'm still in touch with that person.

Well now I met someone else, here in my country. I like to be with him. He's very sweet and caring but i don't really feel the passion that I felt earlier with the other guy. I know that a relationship with him would be nice and good. At least it would be a lot more healthy than 'the thing with the Australian guy'

So now I don't know what to do? We're having dinner tomorrow evening, he invited me so I think he's interested...Though I'm longing to see him and looking forward to have dinner.

But can it still come, that I fall in love with him? I would like to try a relationship but do you have to be in love before you start one?

pff it's a bit confusing....

thx for reading!

 

[hiphop]

I think you have to decide that for your own. Per se, it is not necessary to be in love to have a "relationship", since there are virtually thousands of kinds of relationships. It depends on how you define the term relationship and whats ok and whats not ok for you. I think it is perfectly ok to go out with this new guy, because it doesn´t necessarily mean you are together.

I also think the element of distance always adds to the passion and the unfulfilled desire, so maybe your love for the Australian guy was based on this emotion too.

I´d say go for the new one if you like him. You don´t necessarily have to be crazily in love to get to know a person. However, be opened and true to him. When he asks you, tell him that you like him, but that there are no butterflies in your stomach. Or are there?

 

[For Honor]

I don't know how to answer questions like this anymore.




I will say that there are plenty of relationships that don't have love in them, yet continue. And in the end, a simple emotional feeling isn't what is going to make it work, or last

 

[lady luck]

But can it still come, that I fall in love with him? I would like to try a relationship but do you have to be in love before you start one?

You are (maybe) going out from a complex situation and you just met this other person.
Don't run.
Take your time

Maybe you'll discover that your feelings for this other person are stronger than you think or maybe they'll grow with time.
No one can tell how these things go.

Wish you good luck!

 

[AtomicBono]

You can learn to love someone. You don't have to be in love to start a relationship, you just have to have some sort of attraction. I say go ahead and go for it. Get to know the guy. Maybe you'll fall for him, maybe you won't. I think love is necessary for a serious, comitted relationship, but not when one is first starting out.

 

[For Honor]

Real love comes when your souls grow together

That takes time

 

[For Honor]

^ at first, I think perseverence is important. A lot of people seem to get caught up with the throes of passion, sex, or whatever. Some women want it to be emotional fireworks, some guys want a lot of sex, it's the same difference, in all reality.

They are both equally relevant/irrelevant.


The first part, (to me, at this momet), involves the affirmation of two people wanting to spend time togeher, be it sex, friendship, companionship, whatever. After there is that , and the two peolpe agree that they actually like each other enough to want to spend more time together, then it's if they want to spend more time together, and that's where the deep feelings and such come in.

But there are tons of factors, like personality types, how idependant people are, etc etc.


============


Quite frankly, I'm disgusted in relationships at this point.

Human beings go through so much BS, and in all reality they are missing the point. It all comes down to "do you want to be together or not".

It's either yes or no.

SOme people see that question as a transitory, everlasting questoin, others as a momentary - 'yeah, I'd like to spend some time with you' question.


But you know what, none of this may apply to anyone else but me, because quite frankly everyone has their own definition of relationships and such.

I guess... it is good to find someone who feels the same way about relationships as you do. More importantly though.......... is if you two can understand each others. Understanding each other is integral.... even if you don't agree.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

[BSome women want it to be emotional fireworks, some guys want a lot of sex, it's the same difference, in all reality.

[/B]

It can also be the other way around! Never limit yourself!

 

[For Honor]

^ I totally agree....... I've learned that lesson

 

[Amélie]

It can also be the other way around! Never limit yourself!

it can also be the same for both... that's firework in both cases

sex is absolutely the most difficult thing to cope with, sex is never easy!! you might think it is but afterwards you'll surely think different about it

well that's my opninion

thx for all your replies!!

i'll give you an update about the situation : We had dinner on tuesday, it was very nice, i had a good time. We talked about a lot of stuff. We had a few drinks afterwards, he stayed untill 12.30 am and he had to take the train to work at 6am.

But i don't know... for me there are no spark, no butterflies, no clammy hands.
He might become a good friend but nothing more for now.
We'll see...

 

[phanan]

Personally, I think passion in a relationship is very healthy. It's hard to explain, but if I am very passionate with someone, I feel that much closer to that person, not only in body, but mind and soul as well. I think it's all connected.

However, it doesn't always happen right away. So get to know this person, and see how it goes. Sometimes, the more you get to know someone, you become more passionate about that person as you go along.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Good luck.

 

[Muggsy]

Human beings go through so much BS, and in all reality they are missing the point. It all comes down to "do you want to be together or not".

man... you talk like you were from the moon!!

ok... personally I think that passion is something that isn't always at the beggining of a relationship but is necesary later. I'm very passionate with my work, with my beliefs and with the person I love.. Being passionate doesn't mean being imprudent or stupid, is like... focusing all your senses, all your intelligence and all your heart in one thing, and when you do that your actions get meaningful, you are honest with yourself and you can't imagine the great things you can make. I do that in my work and I believe that it works in relationship too... even if your heart gets broken sometimes, you will never regret the things you made.

 

[For Honor]

man... you talk like you were from the moon!!

............. ......... ......................... what an odd turn of phrase... Heh, not that I'm really form the moon or anything... .......... .....




Moving on.....
I understand that everyone is different, and different people use different standards to measure things. But don't pass up a good oppertunity just because you don't feel fireworks, and likewise, don't dive in just because of fireworks, either.

passion helps with drawing people closer and blinding them, perhaps neccesarily, of some of each other's characterstices. Passion can lead to sentimental connections too, and it can also influence, obviously, one's decision making.

Passion isn't neccesary for everyone, but for some people, they live on it It is all very relative. In the end, I think it really does come down to understanding, and willingnenss to work together towards the common goal of the relationship. But those are just speculations



========


But at the same time.....
I will say that I know what it feels like to be passionately affectionate and caring about another. And that can be all consuming, and totally incomperable to anything else you feel in your life. But is it really a good thing? Sure, Romeo and Juliet are the typicals when it comes to romantic love, but... again, is this really a good thing? Is considering doing crazy things, making life altering decisions - are those really good things? Maybe, maybe not.

I will say that some people's romantic lives affect their destiny more so than other people. Honestly.... I don't see anything wrong with passion in a relationships, just as long as it is at least shared, balanced. Is it neccesary? I believe that to be more on an individual basis.

Some people seek to spend their whole life with the person they love most, feel most passionately about. Some people keep changing who that person is in your life.


A lot of it also depends on what both of you want?
Does one want a passionate, sexual relationship that probably won't last? Or are you looking more long term?


There's tons of variables. A lot of it ultimately comes down to what you need in order to feel comfortable, and what you are willing to deal with. I sound so redundant sometimes, my apologies

 

[Windmilllane]

Just be honest. If you're not happy, then don't waste your time or his. Don't lead him on if you don't love the guy. Put all your energy into the guy you love. You have to ask the guy if he has the same strong passionate feelings for you. If he doesn't, then go home, cry your eyes out for a few days days and move on.

Finding true love is hard for many, many people. It may never come at all for most people.

 

[anitram]

I think you need to feel at least some sexual attraction for a person if you want to pursue a relationship with them. Otherwise, how are they different from those people you just classify as friends?

 

[Amélie]

I think you need to feel at least some sexual attraction for a person if you want to pursue a relationship with them. Otherwise, how are they different from those people you just classify as friends?

I think you're absolutely right, and sadly that small part of sexual attraction is not there...
I think he can be a good friend, an nice person to chat with and to have a drink with.

But I think I'm still not over the australian guy...
I know he is not perfect, I know his shortcomings but I love him anyway. And I think that's when you know that that person could be the right one, or at least close to that.
There's only one problem, he doesn't want to be together. He just had a nice time, he told me over and over again :
'I had a wonderful, amazing time with you and it was very special for me as well but it's not me.'

So maybe that's all I got, I will have to do it with that.

But what to do if you think that he can be mister right??
Just let it go or...

We had a long phone talk a month ago, and we were talking about he coming to visit me... at first i couldn't really believe it. But he told me that he would really like to visit, and then i told him about the things we can do and visit and he answered me that he would love to do that... But it's still hard to believe him, I will only believe it when I see him at the airport.

And I told myself not to wait for him, but it's hard to be convincing for yourself.
And anyway I think he will not come to fall in love with me. The last time I was in dublin, in august, he rather didn't want me to stay at his place. Probably a good decision for the both of us (maybe he didn't trust himself) otherwise we would have done things that can't happen anymore.

Well anyway...
I'm still breathing so I have to be happy

 

[For Honor]

I am wondering, lately, about things like this.

I mean, really..... There are certain base personality types that are more compatible, but I think that more has to do with attraction types. I think the more evolved and advanced a person you are, or become, the more your options for love open up. I believe, mostly, that the more you understand yourself and such, and the world around you, the greater your ability to love anyone; the greater your ability to love, period.

And when you get to deeper levels like that, I think it can become more of a choice, rather than being led around by emotions.


=====


But I certainly agree about that sexual attraction part there. In some book I glanced at at some point, it mentioned 3 aspects of a relationship: sexual, practical, and wavelength dimensions. Sexual was an important one, as sex doesn't have to get worse over time. The book says it can get better, and I believe it.

 

[lady luck]

We had a long phone talk a month ago, and we were talking about he coming to visit me... at first i couldn't really believe it. But he told me that he would really like to visit, and then i told him about the things we can do and visit and he answered me that he would love to do that... But it's still hard to believe him, I will only believe it when I see him at the airport.

And I told myself not to wait for him, but it's hard to be convincing for yourself.

Oh yes... sooooo true!!

And about sexual attraction.. yes, it's important. Otherwise you will share time with a friend, not a partner.
I've got a friend that is in that situation: she's supposed to be together with a guy who used to be a close friend of hers. She doesn't think they're really a couple, even if they're having sex and anyone else think they are a couple.
She's trying to find the way to let him know that she's not sure of what she's doing with him...
I think that at the moment that woukd be very hard, because they had a lot of romantic moments...

So Amèlie... think well of what you're doing and don't put yourself into situation it'llbe hard to go out from!!

 

[For Honor]

^ I understand that your friend there is trying to be nice to the guy, but I can't stand things like that. I hope she tells him soon that "she doesn't know how she feels" or whatever, because it's not fair to him, especially if he genuinely deeply cares for her......

 

[meegannie]

I think you need to feel at least some sexual attraction for a person if you want to pursue a relationship with them. Otherwise, how are they different from those people you just classify as friends?

I don't think that's strictly true. I think there's a difference between romantic love and sexual love and though the two are usually linked, they aren't always. There's a greater level of emotional intimacy in (most) partnerships/marriage than in friendships.

 

[lady luck]

^ Right. But will you like to wake up every morning with a person that doesn't attract you??

Personally, I won't like it...

 

[meegannie]

^ Right. But will you like to wake up every morning with a person that doesn't attract you??

Personally, I won't like it...

Personally is the key word there.

 

[joyfulgirl]

He just had a nice time, he told me over and over again :
'I had a wonderful, amazing time with you and it was very special for me as well but it's not me.'

So maybe that's all I got, I will have to do it with that.

But what to do if you think that he can be mister right??
Just let it go or...

I don't know how else to say it except to be direct: he can't be "mister right" because he told you over and over that he doesn't want to be with you in that way. You really must believe him. A mistake that many women make is reading more into a guy's words than is there..."he's scared," "maybe he needs more time," "he was really hurt by his last girlfriend" --and while any of those things can be true at times, mostly it's endless rationalizations we women can come up with. But we do ourselves a disservice simply by not believing them when they say they don't want to be with us.

That said, relationships thrive for many different reasons. I know a few couples who don't seem to be passionately in love but they care about each other and it works. A friend told me the other night "the spark is gone" in his relationship but they love each other and remain happy and committed. I have a number of friends in unconventional relationships that don't really fit into "the box." One is a lesbian and straight man who are completely inseparable and devoted to one another; they are having a platonic but passionate friendship and view it as a "relationship." I really try not to judge any of them--as long as people are getting what they want out of their relationships, without it being any kind of obviously unhealthy or screwed up situation, who am I to judge.

I guess one of the questions for you to ask yourself is: what do you want in a relationship? If you want fireworks, then you shouldn't settle for less. If you want something secure and don't need the fireworks, go for it--I'm sure that's available. If companionship is more important to you than great sex, fine--I'm sure you can have that, too.

Good luck.

 

[For Honor]

A common thing - one perosn wants to be together more than the other.


Makes you wonder.... what it would be like if two people, who really want to be with each other, actually get together....

 

[lady luck]

^ I'm romantic -- I'm still sure that sometimes the people in a couple really want to stay together with the same will/strength/ passion...

 

[meegannie]

I don't know how else to say it except to be direct: he can't be "mister right" because he told you over and over that he doesn't want to be with you in that way. You really must believe him. A mistake that many women make is reading more into a guy's words than is there..."he's scared," "maybe he needs more time," "he was really hurt by his last girlfriend" --and while any of those things can be true at times, mostly it's endless rationalizations we women can come up with. But we do ourselves a disservice simply by not believing them when they say they don't want to be with us.

That said, relationships thrive for many different reasons. I know a few couples who don't seem to be passionately in love but they care about each other and it works. A friend told me the other night "the spark is gone" in his relationship but they love each other and remain happy and committed. I have a number of friends in unconventional relationships that don't really fit into "the box." One is a lesbian and straight man who are completely inseparable and devoted to one another; they are having a platonic but passionate friendship and view it as a "relationship." I really try not to judge any of them--as long as people are getting what they want out of their relationships, without it being any kind of obviously unhealthy or screwed up situation, who am I to judge.

I guess one of the questions for you to ask yourself is: what do you want in a relationship? If you want fireworks, then you shouldn't settle for less. If you want something secure and don't need the fireworks, go for it--I'm sure that's available. If companionship is more important to you than great sex, fine--I'm sure you can have that, too.

Good luck.

joyfulgirl

 

[lady luck]

joyfulgirl, did you read "is not that into you"??

 

[joyfulgirl]

joyfulgirl, did you read "is not that into you"??

Oh no, do I sound like a self-help book?! Just shoot me now! I didn't read it but I've read excerpts and some of it rings very true. But mostly it's been conversations with male friends that clued me in to the fact that when he says he doesn't want to be with me there generally really is no other subtext.

 

[lady luck]

it's a hilarious book -- with a lot of tue things inside, thoug

We tend to justify our men too much...

I found this phrase somewhere -- and I think it's the core of my "philosophy" now

All things being equal, the simplest answer is the correct one

And, no, you don't sound like a self-help book

 

[u2granny]

After spending 24 years in a very loving relationship I might be able to add something. The passion may ebb and flow but the caring doesn't. I hurt when he hurts, he hurts when I do. I am happy when I see him excited about some inane thing and he is the same with me. We have been through births, deaths (a child, parents, & siblings), and our own health problems but we have managed to hold on to each other. What I sense (and I could be wrong) is that you are non-committal about guy #2. Don't just settle.