In need of some advice from my fellow U2-ers

[TheEdge25]

I am in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do about it.

She has told me before that she thinks she knows I like her, but I've never exactly admitted it to her. And it sucks, because I want her to know so bad, but I don't want to get rejected or ruin our already amazing best friendship. What else sucks is that I am currently going to college about 4 hours away from her and I don't have a car, which means the only time I can see her is every two or three weeks when I am able to travel home with my roommates or some other friends. I hate being away from her for so long, because I just miss her so much and being around her makes me so happy.

I was back home visiting last weekend and she and I had a really good talk. She just got out of a very bad relationship where she was really attached to the guy and she is currently going through the repercussions of the bad breakup and the 'getting over her old boyfriend' part. So when I was up there, we talked about her relationships, both past and future. She told me that one of the reasons her boyfriend dumped her was because his brother had told him that she and I were secretly dating and that we had a long-distance relationship, which is completely not true, we are just best friends.

She told me that she was upset that her ex's brother thought that because she can "see herself being with some people and not being with others" (meaning me). Then she told me that it's not because she doesn't like me, its just because she wouldn't want to ruin what we already have and that if we broke up, things would never be the same.

I agree, but then again, I love her so much that I want more. I told her that I've thought about it before and that I could see us being a really great couple, mainly because we already hang out all the time, we're comfortable around each other, we are able to talk to each other about anything, and we have so much fun with each other. Basically the only thing missing is the "romantic" part. She agreed and then we hugged and just sat there for a while.


So I don't know what to do. Should I let her know that I am in love with her or do you think it would screw things up? It's just so hard for me to be away from her because she makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. And she never texts me or calls me because she says that "unless I am coming home soon, it makes her sad to talk to me because all it does is remind her that I am gone."

Maybe this was more of a means for me to vent and get all my feelings out, but I just felt like getting it out of me and seeing if any of you could offer any advice,

 

[cobl04]

it sounds like she has her mind made up. but it would probably take a lot off your shoulders if you told her, whatever her reaction.

damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

[Galeongirl]

I think cobl is pretty spot on. It sounds like a really shitty situation, and she seems clear that she doesn't want to ruin your friendship. BUT, that could also be a self defense mechanism. That she doesn't want to admit it and doesn't want to get hurt. Either way, if you never tell her how you feel you're going to kick yourself in the future with so many what if scenarios, it's probably best to just get it over with and have it hurt for a little while. Better safe than sorry doesn't apply to love I guess.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

It's already affecting your friendship, so telling her all will only just affect it in different ways. In my experience not telling people how you feel out of any sort of fears is ultimately way more destructive than telling them. It's destructive to you and to the relationship, because that aspect of unspoken truth is always there. How can it be completely authentic if you're always holding back such an important part of yourself, that you are in love?

You say what's missing is the "romance"-that fades with time and what becomes important is what you already have. If that's real then nothing can ruin it as far as being real about feelings. If the friendship is real then telling may temporarily make it strained or awkward but in the long term it will survive and thrive.

 

[redhotswami]

If the friendship is real then telling may temporarily make it strained or awkward but in the long term it will survive and thrive.

I especially agree with this. The whole "might ruin the friendship" concept just seems bizarre to me, though I've been told it all my life. I just think it's bullshit. I've been through lots of dark and heavy times with my friends. Some of those friendships still remain, some don't. "Romance" is definitely not the only thing that can "ruin" a friendship! If the friendship is strong and true, then whatever obstacles come forth (be they romantic or not), you both will see them through.

 

[TheEdge25]

Thanks everybody

 

[bigjohn2441]

and here we have yet another classic case of the "friend zone" for the millionth time on this board

her saying she doesnt want to ruin what you have and all that bullshit actually means "i like you as a friend, but im not sexually attracted to you"

quit acting like her little puppy dog best friend and act like a man then maybe she'll start to find you attractive, which would lead to the romance part. of course it's probably much too late for that.

 

[zuneymoon]

If one is unable to post a kind reply to a plea for help, one should not post a reply at all. Trust me when I tell you that being "manly" by being rude and insensitive isn't the least bit attractive to a woman unless she has psychological problems.

 

[Galeongirl]

Yeah, way to be subtle there John. You might think that women are attracted to the way you act, but I can tell you that it's quite a turn off.

 

[zuneymoon]

Edge25,
It seems to me that being 4 hours away is really the best situation for you right now. It's often easier to see things more clearly from a distance. The way things turn out are the way they are meant to be so try not to worry about it. You are a sweetheart and in the end you will be happy!
Zuney

 

[bigjohn2441]

i always love the immediate defensive female reactions. i said nothing about being rude or insensitive, nor do i myself act that way.

it's a fact that MOST women are attracted to guys that are "exciting", "fun", "confident", and "funny", not some guy that acts like their little puppy dog who worships her. at least that's been my experience, and ive been both ends of the spectrum.

 

[zuneymoon]

John your testosterone is showing and I don't mean that as a compliment. Unless you really do love the "defensive female reactions" you "always" get. You may want to consider a new technique. The irony in your statement is that most women actually do like to be worshiped but it takes a "confident" man to do it (sincerely).

 

[bigjohn2441]

oh, i know how to "worship" a woman, believe me

 

[coolian2]

i'm not commenting on the advice, but i find it hilarious that someone who has been registered for a year and has nine posts has used three of them in here.

 

[zuneymoon]

Make it 10 and 4 since your counting. Hope it makes your day!

 

[Galeongirl]

i'm not commenting on the advice, but i find it hilarious that someone who has been registered for a year and has nine posts has used three of them in here.

Well it's quite unnusual, but she does have a valid point!

 

[redhotswami]

i'm not commenting on the advice, but i find it hilarious that someone who has been registered for a year and has nine posts has used three of them in here.

aliases...
must be a female thing.