I'm a bit scared

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BabyGrace

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but I have Bono here to comfort me soo..dont read this unless you are really bored and truly have nothing better to do, or you're aspiring to be a sports psychologist. and dont say I didn't warn you
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I am a bit scared..I think I'm going to quit swimming. I know that sounds ridiculous but I have poured so much of my life-my time, energy, and hopes-into this sport and I have gotten nothing in return. It's gotten to the point where it hurts too much to go in there and get beaten in the head again...literally. I don't like what it's doing to my self esteem. I've spent most of today crying about it because I had a disaster of a weekend..again. I've given it everything I have and more the past two months of this season and there aren't really any excuses anymore, it's been five years with minimal improvement and I'm not the kind of person who is going to do something just to do it. I want to be good at it, really good at it. I should be at Nationals by now and I'm not. I need to excel at whatever sport I do (because I have no life maybe, I don't know) and for whatever reason, swimming isn't working.

So anyywayy I've decided I'm going to maintain my swimming but on a much lesser scale..and pick up ice hockey as soon as I can. I'm scared for two major reasons: swimming is my life, it's been a good part of me for 9 years now, and secondly I'm scared about just walking into a new environment at age 17. I know if I don't do this, though, I'm going to look back 20 years from now and regret not trying it because I have the basic skills and a true love for hockey which is sometimes all it takes.

I guess basically change is scary, very scary at times. I'm sure you all know that. Of course this change in sport is not important in the ?grand scheme of things? but for me right now, this is prolly the equivalent of a total career change. Sports are a huge part of my life, and my dreams, however silly or lofty, are a part of me. I can?t just sit idle and watch them slip by because I?m too afraid to let go and take a chance.

If anyone has any stories about how they overcame change, or are struggling with change now, feel free to talk about it in this thread. It?s free, anonymous, safe, and whining is allowed
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and I apologize for subjecting this forum to all my problems....but im still doing it anyway
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Originally posted by BabyGrace:
If anyone has any stories about how they overcame change, or are struggling with change now, feel free to talk about it in this thread.

when i was 14 i was quickly rising up the ranks of provincial golf in ontario. i was a member at a great club, good coach, and living in ontario we were so close to lotsa quality courses and all the premier canadian events and even some american ones when i was invited. had great parents who were excited to drive me everywhere as well.
THEN we had to move to saskatchewan 'cause my dad's office transferred him. well he was given little choice but to leave(he is in a highly specialized field + the job out there was very much sweetened) so we picked up and i started playing out there.
only thing is i really sucked when i got there. i was fifteen years old, should have just been entering my prime as a junior golfer, but instead my game was complete and utter crap. i had the worst month of my life when i first got to saskatoon, i only knew a few people and those that i did were limited to the golf world(and i wasn't impressing in tourneys). so in mid july i just decided i wasn't playing for a month. and i didn't. i completely avoided the sport that i loved the most.
when i came back(just 2 weeks before provincials which i had barely qualified for), i was playing much better, though still not as good as my ontario days.
well i managed to place in the top 10 that year in saskatchewan and the following year i climbed to 4th.
after that summer it was time to start thinking about school and, though i got some looks, i wasn't blessed with a U.S. college scholarship. i stopped playing competitively, enjoyed the game more than i ever had and now play better than i ever had. and when i graduate i plan on picking up right where i left off.
it seemed like it was hopeless for me many times, but all it seemed i needed was a little break. though i never reached came close to my original goal(the pga tour), i now enjoy the sport better than ever and still have a bright future because i was able to refocus my energy on school.

i'd advise you to make sure that it is absolutely the right time and you have the right objective before you make a decision.

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we are no closer than we were yesterday.
 
Sometimes taking a break is the best thing to do.

I went through that my senior year in high school. It was the beginning of the tennis season, and I was the #1 player on the team and was picked to go to state. Yet, I just hated everything about sport. I wanted to quit, but I would've looked like a fucking dumbass.

So I decided to sit out a couple of matches with an "injuiry"
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. After a couple days all I could think about was getting back on the court. When I did, I played the best tennis of my life and fell in love with the sport again!

And yes, I did qualify for the state tourney, though I choked when I got there.

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(((BabyGrace)))

I've shared bits and pieces of these stories around the forum in the past, but I will share them again.

I had lived in the same town my entire life. When I was 17, my parents got divorced. Then last year, when I was 18, the place my dad worked at closed down. He got another job offer he couldn't refuse, but it was 400 miles away from home. Two weeks after I graduated high school, I said good bye to my friends and left for a town I'd never been to...I had been counting on that one last summer with my friends after high school, and I still get tears in my eyes (like right now) when I think about how I missed out. I didn't want my dad to move alone though, so I went with him.

It was a lonely summer. Dad worked 12 to 16 hour days. I was on the Internet a lot, emailing friends and chatting with them, but they were too busy to spend much time with me. I was looking forward to the fall when my dream would finally come true: I was starting school at the university I'd wanted to attend since I was 5 years old where I'd major in Elementary Education (which I had also chosen when I was 5 years old).

Well, university was a great experience, but halfway through the semester, something just didn't feel right. I was not happy...I constantly worried about money...the cost of university was causing me terrible stress, and the depression I'd dealt with since I was in 6th grade came back to haunt me. One night, I overdosed on pills. My friends found me, and I wound up in the ER. I knew I had to change something.

So, as scared as I was to give up the school and the major I had dreamed of my entire life, I transferred to a community college back by my new town so I could live at home. I also changed my major to Computer Application Specialist. I remember feeling so much shame that I was leaving university for a community college to enter a two-year program. Luckily, my family and friends supported me and didn't look down on me the way I was afraid they would. Another plus was that my parents got remarried, so Mom lived with Dad and me in our new town now.

Let me tell you though...giving up my dream school and dream major was such a HUGE thing for me to do. I guess I realized that dreams can change...I had held that dream for over 13 years...13 years is a long time. I had developed new interests and values, and my life was different.

Sorry if I rambled too much. I know you'll get through everything though, BG. *hug*
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"I don't know you,
But you don't know the half of it..."
 
I'm not going to give you any real words of advice, I'll just relay a brief story about myself here...

When I started high school, I made quite an impression playing baseball as a pitcher with excellent velocity (I was already throwing fastballs in the 80-85 mph range at this point), in fact, I had people telling me that I would have my pick of universities when it came time for college.

Well, I unfortunately became quite lazy academically after this (slowly but surely) and figured that I didnt need to work hard for top grades anymore, I would have a free pass with baseball. To make a long story short, by my 3rd year of high school my arm was dead from over-use at an early age (coaches that didnt care about my well being, and my own foolishness in trying to do too much to impress people when I should have heeded the warning my arm had given me... ugh, pitching a baseball and then going home every single night to cover your shoulder in ice for 2 hrs while treating asprin like it was candy to numb the pain is not a good thing).

So... I was faced with no more possibility of a future in collegiate sports, and the realization that my mediocre grades would NOT be getting me anywhere. Not to mention, I had pinned so many of my hopes and dreams into a sport, and it had fallen apart in only a few weeks (when I realized that my arm was finished). So I had about a year to find another way into the future for myself (or basically just do it like any other normal student -- through academics). I managed to get things together eventually, with the help of some fairly good SAT scores, and I ended up at Rutgers University in my home state of NJ.

I owe so much to my years there, I can't say that the University is better or worse than other universities, because it's the only one I know, but I can say that my time there helped me find out who I am on the inside, even if I don't always show that person freely on the outside. And this came about through my writing. I found a way to express myself in a way that baseball or any other sport could never do for me. I truly don't know if I would have discovered this part of myself if I had continued on the path I was going with athletics; I spent a great deal of time doing something the first 16 years of my life that really didn't allow me to grow as a person, at least not mentally. My initial bitterness for "things not working out" with baseball has faded, and I'm thankful that God has helped me find something else that is far more important to me than baseball ever was -- my ability to express myself the way I do through writing.

I don't know if I will ever be truly happy in my life on earth, but I have found some sense of peace within myself. It's funny, you know people always ask me why I love U2 so much, I think I just realized it's because their songs are as close I can get to expressing my soul without actually doing it myself, with my own words. It's the only thing tangible that comforts me the way my writing does, which is not always there somedays... and, regardless of whether my writing is good or bad or somewhere in between, it means a lot to me, and has helped me get through some very difficult things, while helping me discover who I am, more so than anything else, and I am very thankful for that.

Nikki, I wish you all the best in the world. I hope you find what you're looking for, don't be afraid, not all things are meant to be, and not all things in this wolrd are in the most obvious places.



[This message has been edited by The Wanderer (edited 12-17-2001).]
 
It's not my own experience but anyway...
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My best friend Bellona is also a swimmer. She has been practising swimming since she was five. In the past 10 years, she got up at four and went to the pool to pratice everyday. Swimming became a part of her daily life and she felt so uncomfortable when she missed a training. She did manage to get a good result but 5 hours of practice a day is too much to bear.

2 years ago, when we were starting to feel the pressure of the examinations and the homeworks were starting to increase in a crazy way, she decided to give up on the every-day regular training. She was a bit scared of this decision because she didn't know what would happen on her when she doesn't swim anymore.

2 years passed by, and she is doing good in other things in her life. She put more time in school and managed to get a good result. She started to write poetry and fictions, and she became a crazy fan of a rock band. She told me a few weeks ago that she wasn't regret about her decision at all.

Changes may scared you at some points, but it also gives you new experiences and you can't live without them.

Hope you'll feel better soon...
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I used to focus all my energies on becoming a novelist. When I failed to get into the Literature course at Uni that I wanted, I opted to become an artist, which for some reason was ten times more frightening than becoming a writer. Why? Because being an artist in my country is a surefire way of starving. All of my educated friends don't know what 'fine arts' is. There is little exposure, almost no support from the government and no recognition for an artist.

I regarded the change as a new direction that God gave me. You may be skeptical and think of this as a convenient way of looking at things, but whatever it was, I saw it as my duty to hone my talent (be it writing or art) in order to glorify God. I didn't know how the ____ I was gonna glorify God through art, and I still don't know, but I'm just looking to Him every day for an answer. He is, after all, the master artist.

After I made the decision to be an artist, I started learning how to be more frugal with my money, just to prepare myself for the lifestyle of an artist. I'd walk one bus-stop further to catch my bus so that I would pay less bus fare. Before purchasing something, I'd think it over five times to see if I really needed the thing or not. I refused to get a mobile phone or a car. I did my research on the cheapest places to get art materials. I collected FREE paints (that were thrown out) from the garbage dump. No art instrument would suffer from ill use because I took such care to prolong their lifespans, so that I wouldn't have to buy new ones.

That's my story, I don't even have a moral to it (haha). Hopefully, though, it will inspire you to accept new paths and be diligent and enthusiastic even when pursuing them. I really am hopeless at offering comfort
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All the best, please feel better. The darker the night, the nearer the dawn, right?

foray.
 
I have a similar story to Wanderer.

I was an all-New England Allstar lacrosse goalie my senior year of highschool. My only reason for going to college was to play lacrosse. I didn't make the team and ended up lost for quite some time. Pinning your hopes and dreams on one specific thing at the expense of your happiness is not fun. But you have to find your own solution.

Whatever choice you make, and remember, you ALLWAYS have a choice, keep your own sanity and happiness in mind. You dictate your life. You decide what you want to do. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know what makes you happy and what is realistic. Listen to your self. It won't be wrong.

Good luck
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thanks for sharing your stories, I really appreciate hearing them. hmm..I wanna respond to each of you, so bear with me here

kobayashi, you know I hear so many people who say the same thing...that a bit of a lay-off is needed to help regain the love of the sport. I'm glad things worked out for you, and that you are happy even though things didn't happen necessarily the way you wanted. I feel kind of like that right now, it's time to face the reality of things that aren't working. I'm not rushing into anything though, despite the quick decision because it's been a long time coming, it's just by the nature of sports, some things you just cant really think about while you're training.
But anyway, you mean to tell me with all your Canada bragging you're not a hockey player?!
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Same thing for you Schabow...if you can regain happiness in a sport then it's obviously possible. Do you still play tennis? just wondering

BonoChick, your story is truly inspiring. That's what I meant about some things just being so much more important than sports. I'm so glad you've come through it and found some happiness...you really deserve it.
And I think you are so brave for dealing with depression like that..it amazes me because I know how I feel when I'm down for more than a week at a time. You seem like a truly strong and wonderful person
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Wanderer, I never knew you played a sport?
Wow, your story sounds so similar to mine it?s scary..except I never had serious injuries, it was just more of a matter of over-training (thanks to an overly eager coach I was bench pressing 105 lbs as a 12 yr old..10 lbs more than I weighed at the time. You tell me there?s not something wrong with that picture). Of course after I realized my mistake I backed off but not quickly enough to avoid going into a slump, which became mental after awhile. I finally feel like ive beaten that in the past year or so but I don?t know..nothings working now. I used to be able to feel it in me even when I couldn?t get it out and now its just gone. Maybe it?ll come back with some rest, who knows. But for now I would like to be happy again..but enough rambling about me.
Im sorry about what happened with you, ive known kids who had real talent and were forced to quit cos of shoulder problems. It?s the hardest thing to go through, I know that.
But all I can say is, if you came out of it the person you are today, then im not worried about leaving this part of me behind because I really admire you for who you are. And I have faith too that you will find true happiness

Christi! My lil sis..
So she did it too? I have a silly question..whats her fave rock band now? U2? hehe
Bellona sounds like she?d know EXACTLY what I feel like. Im so scared too because swimming takes up so much of my life..what comes after it? But she?s happy right? I don?t think it?ll not work out, im just anxious..but kind of excited too. Thanks for sharing that lil sis..you made me feel better
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Hugs and I hope everythings well for you too
foray, you say you suck at advice..but all I wanted was to read about what other people had to say. Gosh, I know how hard it is to be an artist, even in this country where there is such a market. I think the basic problems come from misunderstanding?people don?t seem to realize how much it takes to make a fine art piece. Just because someone has a talent, people start thinking ?oh they can just churn them out, no problem?. The other thing is yeah, art supplies cost ridiculous amounts of money if you want any quality. Id really love to see your work. I?ll bet it?s absolutely incredible..
and yes, I know what you mean about God giving you direction, I firmly believe that too
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good luck with everything

popkid..you were a goalie? Oh I wish I had the talent to be a goalie lol
it?s funny you should say not to get too set on one thing?that?s mostly what ive learned this week-end. Yes, and not to be too impatient.
I hope things have worked out well for you
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if you made it through this, once again thanks to all of you
 
BabyG, you're so brave ya know.

Everyone here had amazing stories to tell, and I hope that you are all ok with how things worked out.

Sorry to come in so late, but my life is kinda an example of how crazy things can be when you have no direction. And direction is something I have always lacked and I think I always will. Right through childhood I always knew I would do hairdressing. I liked playing with hair etc, but it wasn't a passionate ambition or anything, I just knew I'd end up doing it. As fate would have it, I got offered an apprenticeship when I did work experience. I left school in year 11 and did it for 6 months part time while waiting out the year so I could start, then for about 4 months full time during what would have been school holidays. Needless to say january rolled around and I got freezing cold feet. I just HAD to go back to school, so I quit and re-enrolled 2 weeks later. The principal of the school let me back in even though I had missed nearly a whole term of year 11. Still, I knuckled down, determined to find this undiscovered academic brilliance I had never seen but thought I could do. Year 12 was hard as it is for anyone. I caught up as much as I could. I did double units in Art and Textiles as all the more serious academic classes were beyond me with being so far behind. During that year, I applied for a scholarship to a ritzy Art school in Sydney's north. I forgot all about it as the HSC loomed closer, but the one day got a call. I was accepted, with the scholarship. I was so over the moon. Art as you may know is one true love of mine. I slacked off a little thinking I had college, so the HSC was kinda irrelevant. My marks in the end were ok. My TER was shithouse though. Still, I went to college and had a great 1st year. Then at the end I changed my mind again. I wanted to go back to school and do it better. So I did, making the mistake of doing year 11 and year 12 simultaneously. Through that year I started volunteering at Barnardos (with mentally disabled kids). I had found another calling. I quit school and went to TAFE to get a Diploma and eventually wanted to do the degree at uni. I was going to be a Welfare Worker. So for the next 2.5 years I was happy, I loved my work, the kids were great. I got some very good positions at the centre sometimes even still going in on my off days to volunteer. Then one day I felt a little bit impatient with one of the clients. I went outside and had a smoke til it passed. I thought nothing of it til it happened a few more times. I decided it was time to move on again. I had seen far too many poor quality staff pass through entrusted with the well being of these kids and there was no way I wanted to become one of them. If patience was something I couldnt keep, I didnt want to stay. A management changeover for the worse saw my exit through. I couldnt stand the changes they implemented anyway in something that had worked so well as it was. I was at a loss as to what to do next. I drifted around, working in retail and other bum jobs for a bit then got a lucky break in Market Research. I became a quality control thingy. Too hard to explain the job, hehe. Anyways I moved on up to become a Data Analist. 14 months later I was bored again. I loved my work, but couldn't really move any further up without specific business qualifications. Then started my illustrious previous year contracting in roles as varied as anything. I gained a heap of experience in different things, but wanted a full time position somewhere. Prob was I still didnt know what I wanted to do. As you know, I just started another great job. The 3rd out of all Ive had that I really will enjoy. Sorry to have waffled on so much, but there is a point!
BabyG, I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I know you are different as you are focused and know or have known where it was you wanted to be. I never have. I probably always will be a drifter, never finding my niche. And after years of anguish, I have come to realise its ok! I dont need to do anything I dont want to. Change is scary, but we all need to face it. Unfortunately for you, yours is a big lifestyle change as well. You probably feel like you are removing a limb. But I am almost 25. I have no skills that I hope to use or need again, and everything is ok with that. Life is crazy, full of change, its hard keeping up sometimes, and hard not having control.

Im gonna stop now before this gets longest post of the year award!

Good Luck with your changes Nik. You are one awesome person!
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Angie, I don't think being a so-called 'drifter' is bad at all, in fact I'd love to be like that. I'll tell you about my mom cause I admire her so much and maybe hearing about her will help you feel that it's ok. She was a bit the same I guess..she never stayed on at one thing, but she did everything she wanted.
She was a competitive roller skater as a young girl and then at age 13, when she was very well-ranked nationally, she decided she wanted to be a figure skater. She moved onto the ice and 3 years later she was National Champion. Now at that time, where she lived, she couldnt go to the Olympics or recieve any National recognition for what she was doing, because skating was not a nationally recognised sport. Everyone kept telling her to go for one more year, things would change, and she'd get the credit she deserved. Instead she decided she wanted to move on and leave her sport while she was on top. Other things were calling.
At age 18, she lost her dad to brain cancer..she really wanted to get out after that, despite how she loved her mom so she decided to sign up with Holiday on Ice as a performer and a chimpanzee trainer (she taught them how to skate so they could be used in the show). She also modeled as part of the show biz. She traveled literally ALL of Europe doing this for two years and had some of the best times of her life, living like a gypsy.
When she felt she needed more security and a real home, she went on to television production, back near her home. Doing this she produced live music shows, meeting many prominent artists that I've never heard of hehe. When she applied for the job she had virtually no qualifications but she somehow was hired anyway, and ended up loving this for quite awhile.
When she became sick of it though, she lost no time in applying to another dream of hers..she wanted to work for National Geographic. SHe came to the States and they accepted her, but unfortunately not until she had found other plans..she had met my dad on a blind date and was deciding to marry him and no longer wanted to live in Washington DC.
After she was married, she became a vet tech at a local animal hospital, again with minimal background experience besides chimp training. She also started teaching skating then.
I think she has done everything she ever dreamed of doing in her life, and although it didn't always make sense to outsiders, I think she is very happy. If I were you I wouldnt take expectations of you to have 'direction' all that seriously. Do what you want, when you want, and choose things that will make you happy. I'm so glad you're in a job you like now, you really do deserve it
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Sorry for my fairly pointless rambling (I'll bet my post is longer than yours
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) but I really admire my mum, and I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing.

Personally I'd like to be like that. My worst fear is being to afraid to make the changes because I feel too much of a sense of duty towards one thing. Which is why im doing what im doing.

Thanks Angie, and hope youre having a great Holiday Season
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Originally posted by BabyGrace:
But anyway, you mean to tell me with all your Canada bragging you're not a hockey player?!
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lmao BG
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i've been found out-i can barely skate, i'm good at road hockey though. see my father didn't really expose to hockey that much when i was young and by the time everyone else was heavy into hockey i was spliting my time between the golf course and the soccer field.

i live in ottawa now so lotsa skating rinks and my girlfriend is gonna teach me.

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CANADA KICKS ASS
 
Thankyou bg
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Now I know where you get it all from: Your mom
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She sounds awesome, as well as extremely talented. She has done what we all should do, and thats fill life with all that you love.

*big hug*
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