I was DE-friended last night.

[FitzChivalry]

Ahhhh, Zoo Confessionals. What would I do without you.

So . . .

A good friend on mine has decided to go back to school to get an M.F.A. in Screenwriting. He told me this a couple weeks ago. He received an undergraduate degree in Psychology or Business Administration about 5 to 10 years ago. From what I understand, his academic career was off and on and took him a really long time to finish.

My undergraduate degree is in Film Studies. I took a year of Screenwriting for my program. I also had an emphasis in English/creative writing.

My friend is only applying to UCLA and USC. I was VERY supportive when he told me his news of applying to grad school and I offered to read his screenplay submission and give comments, I offered to help him with his application and that whole process, and I offered to help him study for the GRE.

But I also suggested he should apply to some other programs as well, and that Chapman University has a really good Film program too. He didn't really say anything about my suggestion.

Saturday night, we were celebrating my birthday and driving from a gay bar in Long Beach to a gay club in Long Beach. On the way the screenwriting subject came up again and I made the comparison of UCLA and USC being the equivalent in Film to Harvard and Yale. UCLA and USC, for Film, are in the Top 3 in the nation (along with NYU). I also told him I was so happy for him that he's doing what he wants to do, and that it will be so exciting when he's finally in his program.

Last night he told me he doesn't need friends like me who aren't supportive and who doubt him. He needs his friends to be his cheerleaders and to support him 110%. And because of my TWO comments (never mind all the other wonderful, supportive things I've said and done) we can't be close friends anymore because I'm not the kind of friend he needs.

So basically he "de-friended" me last night. Told me I wasn't a good friend and if that's how I'm going to be he doesn't need close friends like me in his life.

And no matter what I said he wouldn't change his mind. I told him my suggestions were made just to look out for him because I didn't know how much he knew about graduate film programs, and I know a little bit, not a lot, but a little. I told him I was looking out for him and didn't want him to get hurt or be disappointed. I told him that when I was applying to colleges and graduate programs, that was the advice given to me: choose your top 3 and apply, and then apply to 5 or 6 more other programs that are easier to get into. And that was the advice I followed in my academic career.

But he had written me off before he even called to let me know he was mad at me. Saying that none of his other good, close friends doubted him or didn't not believe in him and his abilities. And that basically, with friends like me who needs enemies.

Am I missing something here? Was I being a total jerk and not realizing it?

 

[RedRocksU2]

His loss.

 

[Thora]

Am I missing something here? Was I being a total jerk and not realizing it?

Nope. You were very clearly being supportive and encouraging, but I guess he didn't see it that way. Like Carlos said, it's his loss.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Ha!

Yeah, I just checked.

For Film school, USC and UCLA are #2 and #3, respectively.


For M.F.A.'s in screenwriting, they are #1 and #2.


I'm sorry, but if the only law schools I had applied to were Yale and Harvard, I would HOPE that one of my friends would be kind enough to suggest that maybe I apply to a couple other law schools that were a little easier to get into in addition to applying to Yale and Harvard!

I'm getting over the shock and sadness of his actions and now I'm entering the seriously angry stage!

 

[Lila64]

Re: Re: I was DE-friended last night.

Nope. You were very clearly being supportive and encouraging, but I guess he didn't see it that way. Like Carlos said, it's his loss.

I agree with the above.

Sorry Fitz

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Fitz, but I think your advice was sound. I finished my Ph.D. in creative writing this year, so I know a lot about how difficult the application and admissions process can be.

For some of the top-rated MFA and Ph.D. programs, they may get several thousand applicants and can only accept five or six new students each year. I don't know a lot about screenwriting, but I do know that USC and UCLA have excellent programs, so I can imagine they'd be comparable to top-tier creative writing programs in fiction and poetry.

I applied to seven MFA and MA programs and got into one, then two years later again applied to six Ph.D. programs and only got into one. When I didn't get into my dream MFA program, I cried for three days because I was that devastated, but by the time I was applying to Ph.D. programs, I realized I can't get that emotionally invested. So often admissions decisions don't only come down to someone's talent, but also to budget, demographics, and other things that are completely out of applicants' hands. There are just more talented people out there than there's room for in graduate programs. Not getting into a top program doesn't mean your friend still can't achieve his dream, he just might have to go about it differently than he first thought.

I'd say give your friend a month or so to cool off, then send him an email or a note again telling him you're really happy for him and will be glad to help him with anything he needs for his applications. Maybe by then he'll realize that you're only trying to help him make his dream a reality, even if Plan A doesn't work out. We all want to believe we can achieve Plan A, so a lot of times we don't bother coming up with a Plan B. That's where friends can help. If he doesn't realize that even after a break, then maybe unfortunately you're better off without him as a friend.

 

[redhotswami]

you're a really great friend Fitz

 

[Zoots]

I told him that when I was applying to colleges and graduate programs, that was the advice given to me: choose your top 3 and apply, and then apply to 5 or 6 more other programs that are easier to get into. And that was the advice I followed in my academic career.

Yes. That is very good advice! That is what I did too!

Am I missing something here? Was I being a total jerk and not realizing it?

You are a good friend! Your friend is a total idiot (sounds like)! Forget it! Maybe one day he'll realize his mistake.

 

[martha]

He sounds defensive and conceited. I suspect you hit a nerve he wasn't ready to admit he has. If he comes around, he should apologize and beg forgiveness. If he doesn't come around, you don't need him.

But I'm sorry you lost a friend.

I like you.

 

[JCOSTER]

Who needs friends like that, that you can't be honest with and still remains friends? Next time you see him, tell him to grow up and get some back bone.

Besides, I'll be your friend too.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

He sounds defensive and conceited. I suspect you hit a nerve he wasn't ready to admit he has.

Yep, that's what struck me too. And I think we've all been there, whether we like to admit or not

If he comes around, he should apologize and beg forgiveness. If he doesn't come around, you don't need him.

Yep. Chin up, mate, not much else you can do.

 

[indra]

It sounds to me as if your ex-friend is planning not for success but for failure. Think about it. His chances of getting into one of these schools is slim and when he doesn't he can for the rest of his life bitch about how the world is against him and no one supported his brilliance rather than give it an honest try and perhaps fail. I doubt he even consciously knows he's doing it, but he is. Right now in his mind you are the bad guy and there isn't much you can do about it.

You're a good friend. If he can't or isn't willing to see that, it's his loss.

 

[LJT]

Wow your friend way over reacted for no good reason...I suggest letting him crawl back to you rather than anything else...if that's how he reacts to a harmless and helpful suggestion I would hate to see how he would react to some small criticism.

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

You're a good friend. If he can't or isn't willing to see that, it's his loss.

I agree, you sound like a great friend.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I don't think you were being a jerk, I think he's just insecure and nervous and fearful. People don't always behave rationally when they are feeling that way, and they often take it out on the people they like and love most. Give him some time and space and he'll probably realize all of that and apologize. If not, well what can you do other than realize it's not your fault.

 

[The Disciple]

If U can't b real w/ someone, they're not Ur friend and vice versa.... friends have 2 b willing 2 call each other out on their B.S.

 

[U2Girl416]

You were being a good friend Fitz. supportive and coming with suggestions, all with his well-being in mind. if he flipped out over just one comment, imagine what will happen when someone else gives him criticism, like a professor or employer...etc. I'm sorry you lost a friend but it seems like he was hearing only the negative in what you said ( which really wasn't negative) instead of listening to it as a suggestion. let him cool off. if he doesn't come around, then it's his loss. you've got friends here!

 

[BoMac]

I don't think you did or said anything wrong. All you did was be a supportive friend, which he, unfortunately, was unable to see.

 

[phillyfan26]

I think it's really ridiculous. I'm very skeptical of things, and I'm usually suggesting things like yourself in this instance, only quite regularly. It's always to help out.

I'll be he realizes soon enough how stupid he's acting. I actually can't believe how he interpreted it.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I suspect you hit a nerve he wasn't ready to admit he has.

This is almost exactly what I was going to say. I suspect he has academic insecurities and you unknowingly reflected that back to him. Your advice was sound; his reaction was out of proportion. Too bad he can't get past it. Maybe he just needs some time to process it.

 

[BonosBaby12]

It's his loss Fitz Sorry that this happened to you Think you were just looking out for him.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Thanks everyone.

Some of my other friends have suggested (because of things that have happened in the past) the he may actually have feelings for me and like me, but knowing he and I are not compatible that way this was his way of not having to deal with those emotions/feelings and just getting away from the whole situation while deflecting all the blame onto me.



At least my eyes are now open to how immature he is.

Thanks for all the support.

 

[martha]

Some of my other friends have suggested (because of things that have happened in the past) the he may actually have feelings for me and like me,

This can fuck up a friendship if the liking one can't deal.

 

[FitzChivalry]

This can fuck up a friendship if the liking one can't deal.

Seriously! Which is why my other friend that you've met, cute Mike, he and I are just friends. I think he's cute and we get along great and in a perfect world, yeah, I'd like us to get together . . . . but he doesn't feel the same way back and just likes me as a friend. So I got over it and learned to deal with it, and now we're friends and we have a great time together and there's no issue.

I just wish my M.F.A.-screenwriting-ex friend could've learned to have done the same thing.

Oh well, again, it's his loss. (I hope that doesn't sound like me being conceited.)

 

[anitram]

I'm sorry, but if the only law schools I had applied to were Yale and Harvard, I would HOPE that one of my friends would be kind enough to suggest that maybe I apply to a couple other law schools that were a little easier to get into in addition to applying to Yale and Harvard!

Those are my LL.M. schools, but I'm going to continue to labour under a delusion.

Anyway, you were giving practical advice to this person. Sure, maybe it wasn't advice he wanted to hear, but it didn't come from a malicious place. He seems touchy and particularly sensitive in this area, and completely overreacted.

 

[AtomicBono]

Seriously! Which is why my other friend that you've met, cute Mike, he and I are just friends. I think he's cute and we get along great and in a perfect world, yeah, I'd like us to get together . . . . but he doesn't feel the same way back and just likes me as a friend. So I got over it and learned to deal with it, and now we're friends and we have a great time together and there's no issue.

yeah, I'm in the same kinda situation. it sucks when you really like/love someone but I don't see how being a jerk (as your friend did) would really be the best way to deal with it. If he really can't deal with it at all he should just be honest about it instead of trying to make it out like you did something wrong when you were only doing what a good friend should. a true friend gives honest advice, not kisses their friend's feet. you did absolutely nothing wrong. still I know it sucks and I hate feeling like people (especially friends) are mad at me, so I can understand you being upset about it. But I agree with what most others have said...wait for him to come back to you. And he should apologize. You have nothing to apologize for.

 

[Kiki]

He's not looking for true friendship or honest friendship. He's looking for an ass-kissing friendship.

Your comments weren't anything negative or discouraging. If anything the one comment compairing the schools to Harvard and Yale were a huge compliment I would think. It's not like you sat there and said, "They're exactly like Harvard and Yale, and I don't see you getting in to either of those....so good luck buddy!"

There's nothing wrong with suggesting to a friend that they may want to check out other really great film schools as well, they may find something they like better at one of those.

It sounds like he's just a total jerk and looking for that "false"friendship. Who seriously wants a friend to lie to them and feed them bulls*** every time you're around them?!

 

[BonosSaint]

Is your friend's sense of self-worth tied to those particular schools?

 

[FitzChivalry]

Is your friend's sense of self-worth tied to those particular schools?

I don't know. I know he has a few reasons for wanting to go to those schools. 1) Many of his best friends live in Los Angeles, so I know he's been wanting to move back there, 2) He loves living in big metropolises (he's lived in L.A., San Fran and New York before), and 3) he wants the industry contacts that would come tied to those two schools.

I think there's also a smattering of "those-are-the-best-schools-so-that's-where-I-want-to-go" kind of philosophy on his end.

And I don't blame him and I didn't discourage him from ANY of the above. I think it's great. Go for it.

But also be realistic and have a Plan "B".

My feeling is, the school is only the means to the end. Being a screenwriter is the ultimate goal, and ANY M.F.A. program in screenwriting is going to hone you to become that.

I'm also a big believer in "you-reap-what-you-sew". Even if he goes to a non-Top 10 program, if he puts his heart, soul and sweat into it, he will come out the other end a great screenwriter.

I have friends who went to my non-top tier law school, who routinely kick people who graduated from Harvard or Yale's ass all over the courtroom! Because being a great lawyer depends on who YOU are, not what law school you went to.

I think the same applies to my friend being a screenwriter. Even moreso, in fact, because no one is going to care what program you came from if you have a phenomenal, smokin' hot screenplay in your hand!

The cream will rise to the top, no matter the school or the program.

That's my opinion anyway.

But apparently my opinion doesn't really matter, so . . . .

 

[martha]

But apparently my opinion doesn't really matter, so . . . .

It does matter. That's what making him be such a wiener.