I have no hope.

[meegannie]

I think I'm incapable of being happy. I can't think of a period in my life where I've been happy. I'm great about being positive for other people, about humanity, whatever, but I have no optimism left for myself. I've tried everything I can think of to change my outlook (religion, counselling, volunteering, prescriptions, diet, books), but nothing even comes close to fixing me. I have a very hard time with perspective and have a massive "grass is always greener" problem. I know that if I had never come to England or if I had moved back to DC and gone back to working in government that I would still feel exactly the same way I do now;

I know it's something wrong with me and not where I'm living or what I'm doing, but that awareness doesn't change the way I feel/think (and quite often even my feelings and thoughts are in conflict with each other). I try to be grateful for what I have, but it's so hard when I don't have a job, have wasted thousands of dollars and pounds on two worthless degrees, don't know how I'll afford food or rent if I don't find a job in the next couple of months, have no friends, and will never be able to do anything that I want to do because of time, my personality, and/or money. I'm tired of trying to be positive about things or wanting something so badly, and then being disappointed when it all goes wrong. I should be proud of myself for having done really well at university and graduating a year early and having had an impressive-sounding job once and having done well enough with postgraduate diploma to get merit (if they ever decide to award it to me!) and being married to a wonderful, caring person (with an English accent! ), but I'm just not. I feel like all of those were just lucky accidents that I didn't deserve and have no idea how I got, and even when I was working or getting awards at university or when I had a lot of friends, I still felt the same way I do now and wanted to be someone, somewhere else.

 

[pax]

Well, I do know a bit of what you mean, particularly in regards to school and work. I got my B.A. in English, and I was always told there's a LOT you can do with an English degree ( )...well, now I've been laid off from a job that wasn't even that great to begin with, and am facing mounting bills--none of which, really, can be put off. Fortunately I've had a couple of interviews and am looking at a couple more, plus I have the possibility of going to NYC over the summer to start teacher training...but for the moment, I'm unemployed, single, and broke.

Is it impossible to be happy under your circumstances, or my own? No, I don't think so, and the one thing I can suggest to you is going to sound kind of lame, but I'll throw it out there anyway...do you know at all what kind of work might *make* you really happy? I mean, I remember some of your earlier posts here and I know school didn't really work out. I know you're happily married (massive bonus, of course), so you have that going for you...maybe you just haven't hit on how *you* are going to make a real *difference* in the world yet?

I would stay with the volunteering if I were you, and try lots of different things--volunteering has helped me when I've been going through some tough times, and has in fact introduced me to some good, intellectually rigorous work, too. Maybe if you put in some time with a nonprofit, it might lead to paying work, or introduce you to people who can point you in new directions. Does England have anything similar to AmeriCorps, for example, where you can do serious service and receive a living allowance and an education award? There are worse ways to spend a year, plus programs like AmeriCorps offer deferment on student loans while you're in the program, too. So think about that.

We're all pulling for you.

 

[meegannie]

Thanks for the advice. I've been looking for something like AmeriCorps/Peace Corps, but the problem is that I can't do the Peace Corps since my husband's not a US citizen, and anything I've found here about volunteering abroad costs thousands of pounds, which I don't have. I haven't found anything like AmeriCorps here, but again, there's a problem with citizenship since if something like that exists here, I'd probably have to be a British citizen or at least a permanent resident to apply.

As for volunteering, I'd really like to work for a non-profit, but there aren't really any in Norwich, so I just volunteer at a charity shop and there's no chance of paid employment with that.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Meggie, I am feeling a lot of what you've just said, especially about the massive "grass is always greener" thing. I always feel like no matter what I do or try to change in my life, things will always be better on the other side. It's something I've struggled with since I could remember and I hate it.

I say go for the volunteering, see if that work will be what makes you happy, or a bit better, and see where it goes from there. Good luck, girl, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

 

[beau2ifulday]

Meggie, again, I can empathise with how you feel. I've moved around alot over the last year [England to America to England again] with the whole 'grass is greener' outlook, but as yet, that attitude is yet to hold up for me.

You have to start living your life for you, and you only - focus on your needs for a while, and everyone will benefit. Volunteering is a great way to go - however, you can also go for higher up posts in charities, as the organising and fundamental management can be just as rewarding as the hands on work. It's true, you are lucky in comparison to many others, but if you continue to compare your life to those less fortunate than yourself, it's going to drive you into a wall of sadness and despair (i've fallen into that trap a couple of times). It sounds like you are a wonderful, intelligent and caring person who could offer alot to ANY job that you put your mind to

Good luck Meggie - i'm here to listen if you need to talk

 

[anitram]

I should be proud of myself for having done really well at university and graduating a year early and having had an impressive-sounding job once and having done well enough with postgraduate diploma to get merit (if they ever decide to award it to me!) and being married to a wonderful, caring person (with an English accent! ), but I'm just not.

You should definitely be proud of those things. They are wonderful personal and professional achievements that many people would kill for.

But at the same time, those things can't and won't make you happy if you are not happy by yourself, without them. Basically, if you took away your degrees and your marriage - would you be happy? It's coming to that point, because I think I've realized that you won't find that peace in another person or in a job or in money or in anything until you are just satisfied with who you are as an individual in a large world full of people.

The trouble is, how do we get to that point? I'm not sure I know.

 

[starsgoblue]

I am all too familiar with the feelings and thoughts expressed here. I've been realizing lately that I don't feel I have accomplished anything significant with myself and I've actually bungeled alot of stuff up that I'm trying to fix. I suddenly have no friends because I have chosen to not associate myself with people like them (I know some of you remember my roomate dramas) and no real strong support system with my family and I have way too much extra time to dwell on all that seems to be wrong with me...and it just seems hopeless...and my life just seems like a giant Sisyphean task and that frightens me.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Meggie are you an overachiever? I wonder if that is part of the problem? Ha, says me from knowing you by posts on a message board. But I do wonder. And I don't mean people who are like this can't be happy, but you seem to be one (an overachiever), and you can't get this much needed grasp on general overall fullfilling happiness. So where have you set the bar in your life? What is your standard for a life that meets what you want? It seems like the confusion and depression is only clouding you too. You know you are surrounded by so many achievements and personal successes like your major leaps and bounds with education, your wonderful husband and having moved and settled as best anyone can in an entirely new country, yet you're being robbed of happiness and an opportunity to let that fill you with everything that it should. There's all these great things, yet you're still lost. Your life is a big picture Meggie, and it can't all be balanced at the same time so it will meet what you need. Could you start looking at the specific areas instead of the whole and lower what you expect from each vastly so your short term hurdles aren't mountains? Life goals and the problems we face should never be permanent. I suspect your student loans keep you awake at night from worry and no amount of soulsearching and finding your 'place' will probably ease that until they have been paid off. So what can you do in the meantime to at least let you feel you have got a foot in the door and are making some progress? I don't know how the repaying thing works on students from either America or England, but it seems like they're so big that they become a part of life for quite a while yet. And you can't live like this for all that time. I dont know the employment situation in Norwich or what kind of lesser job even you'd like, from what your ultimate dream job would probably be, but could you look in a slightly different area to at least get started?
You ended that post though with wanting to be someone, somewhere else. Do you know who or where?

 

[financeguy]

"It's just a moment, this time will pass."

 

[For Honor]

Step outside, and look around for about 3 minutes without saying a word. Don't think, just look, and listen.


On top of this, figure out what your vaules are, and who you are, and go from there. Sorry to write so littl,e I'm sort of..... in a hurry, ........

 

[DiGi]

Megan,

I will give you my opinion as someone who has met you and spent time with you, as a friend and as someone who spent a fair amount of time with my own self image struggles. First of all you are not incapable of being happy. You are very much capable of happiness. Make sure you know that. I also do not think that believing that there is something wrong with you is either correct or beneficial to your situation. So please stop doing this. Also you DO deserve everything that you have accomplished. Stop worrying about how much money you have spent on your education. Life is not a race to see how much money you can accumulate, nor is it a race to see how much useless shit you can buy or what brand name jeans you can wear. I know that is easier said then done especially when there are bills to pay. Just keep making a good effort day in and day out and something is going to work out for you in the financial department.

I think that angela harlem raises a good question. I know that I am a complete perfectionist and from what I know about you I would probably say you are as well. This trait hampered me for a long time as I would always put myself down for not being the best person at EVERYTHING I do. That is just not reasonable thinking. Nor is it possible. I know that in my life in order for me to figure out what I want to do, who I am, and attain a high level of happiness I had to deal with this and the destructive thinking that accompanies the all or nothing thinking of a perfectionist. Its not helpful. I think you do this and as such I think that your first steps should be to try and change this behavior pattern. How about every time you have a negative thought about yourself and you realize you are doing so, you replace this thought with a positive thought about yourself. I am sure this sounds a bit stupid, but trust me when I say it works and I think it could really help. Its really pretty simple. For instance when you start thinking something that is untrue such as "I have no friends, and will never be able to do anything that I want to do because of time, my personality, and/or money." Stop yourself and change your thought to "I do have friends and will be able to do the things that I want to do because I have a great personality." Repeat this over and over to yourself until you believe it. Then repeat it again. I would be willing to bet that if you do this you will start to notice some changes.

I think that anitram is also very right saying that you are not going to find peace with what you do until you are happy with yourself. You are who you are and you do not need to be someone else. You are very smart, you are pretty, you have two useful degrees and the list goes on. Life is not always the easiest thing. We all go through our periods of hardship, but just think if you can figure this out in the near future how much living you have ahead of you. How much could life and the world kick ass for you when that happens? Maybe you can start taking a walk in the woods everyday, I think there is something very cathartic about nature. The grass can be bright green on your side of the pasture Megan.

I hope that helped some. If you ever need to talk you know how to reach me.

 

[jkayet]

I'm emailing you in a bit.

 

[Party Boy]

Meggie, again, I can empathise with how you feel. I've moved around alot over the last year [England to America to England again] with the whole 'grass is greener' outlook, but as yet, that attitude is yet to hold up for me.
hug:

That is exactly the same problem I have been living with and trying to deal with for the last 10-15 years. Have lived in US, Australia, London (am from Ireland orginally) and have travelled through Europe, Africa, Asia and South Pacific looking for ultimate happiness and i have yet to find it. I have a beautiful girlfriend of 18 months yet I am not happy and continue to look outside our relationship in the hope of finding someone or something that will make me truly happy. Could be that my current g/f is not the one. However, the general feeling of looking for something other has been there well before g/f came along.
I'm 32 yet I want to do things and make mistakes only teenagers or young people are allowed to do. I have no problem with being 32 - in fact, with age comes some sort of clarity - you stop doing the things that make you unhappy and insted just do the things you want to do. Yet........ i do drugs to make me feel different, I drink a little too much, I will try anything once, I have a very laid back/cavalier approach to life and the thought of settling down/doing the white picket fence thing and having kids and being stuck in a job for the next 40 years scares me to death! So instead, I am continuously making plans, taking sabbaticals from work so that I can travel. Am saving hard so that I can move to somewhere in mainland Europe near the sea where the weather is good, maybe to work in a bar. Yet maybe after I do this, 6 months later no doubt I will want to move again.
Sometimes the grass isn't greener, but by doing something about it and forcing myself into new situations, it makes life a little bit more bearable.
Not sure if this post is truly relevant to original post, but from what I can see, there are a lot of people out there wondering what the f**k life is truly about and how difficult it is to struggle through it.