i have lost trust in a very good friend...

[MissVelvetDress_75]

This really sucks. One of my closest and dearest friends is showing a side to me that i am not really pleased with. i don't know how to approach it .

She has been displaying this behavior that is questionable for several months now and it has been getting on my nerves, but this past weekend it really got to me and I am really disappointed with her.

i don't know how to talk to her about this. it has to do with how much she drinks and the things she does when she has had too much to drink. Flashing guys your boobs over and over may be funny and not a big deal to most, but it is not funny at all to me. I find her behavior to be silly and embarrassing. I took my cousin out to one of the parties we were invited to a few weeks ago and by the time we got to the party my friend was literally hanging from the ceiling posing in a very provocative way. My cousin looked at me and I turned my back as a bunch of guys gathered around and took pictures. At that min I decided I had to leave. It gets on my last nerve that she puts herself in this situation and doesn't think it is a big deal. She questions all of the time why she can't find a decent guy, yet she will expose herself left and right and attract sleazy men.

Anyway, I am so disappointed in her behavior and annoyed that i am not sure how I can talk to her about this. It is driving me insane and I feel like a prude.

She is a great and dear friend to me but I just hate associating with her when she turns into this care free person.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I don't think it is being at all "prudish " to be disgusted w/ her behavior-that kind of behavior disgusts me too, and if anyone thinks I'm a prude for that, well, I really don't care. And not that it's acceptable in teenagers either, but I'm assuming she's not a teenager.

Your friend is degrading herself, and possibly putting herself in danger. Whatever her reasons are for this, her behavior won't change unless she wants it to. You could try to gently approach her and say you are concerned about this, because you care about her. If she gets defensive and angry, there's really nothing you can do, until she decides she has a problem. Maybe you could try a letter first, rather than a conversation.

It is sad to lose a friend, but until she decides to change, no one will do it for her, so what else can you do? But I don't believe that you should have to bite your tongue and continue to go along w/ this behavior.

 

[nbcrusader]

A difficult part of the maturing process is seeing close friends mature at a different rate (or not at all).

Have you talked to her about her "party behavior"? She may be doing this to get quick acceptance by a group. There are other ways to have friends and feel accepted.

I hope this works out, but your paths may go in different directions.

 

[BAW]

It sounds like she has very low self esteem and needs the validation of male attention. She probably doesn't see her behavior as slutty or degrading...she probably sees herself as the life of the party and more fun than you are. Good bet she has a drinking problem too.

You aren't prudish Iris, you have self respect. I don't know if talking to her will help but its worth a try.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

you know what. i am younger than her. she is 33 and i am 28. you would think she would know better by now. i guess what has set me off was a dinner we went to on Sunday night with some friends. it was a casual dinner here in town and my friend was visiting from out of the country. he brought along two other people who i have never met before and neither has she. well as the night progressed we all ended up at a bar. having a fun conversation as most do with friends, my friend decides to talk about her obession with flashing when she gets drunk. so down the top went. i was so mad because she was sitting next to me and i was stuck in a booth with this. i didn't acknowledge it and talked to my other friend. she kept doing that. i know she was looking for attention but it was annoying me. i was talking to this guy who i just met and it was obvious that he and i were really enjoying our conversation, but when the conversation would move away from including her she would get upset. at one point she got up and asked the guy "what you don't like my boobs!" ok first they are fake as hell, and second how fucking rude. anyway, she basically stuck them in his face to see if he would get aroused. meanwhile i am just sitting there fuming. he told her that those types of things does not turn him on in fact personality is a bigger turn on. so he and i proceed to talk. well i later get up and go to the bathroom, i come back and she has cornered the guy and is making the moves on him. i was so mad. so she got his number and on tuesday she asked me what his name is and later calls him. . this is all after the fact she told me the new guy she is dating is "the one".

 

[hiphop]

I would question her motives and talk to her, but I would not loose "trust" in her for that. It might just be a bad phase she?s in. I can imagine you are getting upset and you are ashamed for her, but if she is a good friend, you should stay friends, because that?s when friendship may be needed most.

I know that I have been pretty rude sometimes... not undressing, mind you, but... yeah. And basically this happened to me when I was in a situation like "Fuck Off". Nobody can touch you when you feel like that.

You should ask her why she doesn?t work as a stripper if she likes to show her body off. In my opinion, there are worse things than to get undressed publicly, but you should tell her that, in fact, she is putting herself in danger. Also, ask her why she drinks that much. There are better drugs to fool around with.

 

[BAW]

Uh, after that last scene you described Iris...I don't know if you really need "friends" like that.

She has serious problems not to mention a complete lack of respect for you.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

well she used to be a stripper and she did not disclose this fact to me to me until a month or so ago. so yeah being free and comfortable to expose her body is no big deal to her. i don't care what she did in the past but her lack of respect as char stated is driving me insane. she recently told me that she is jealous of me for my career, my personality and my looks. she perfectly fine without boozing but soon as she hits the liquor watch out. now mind you, i don't want any guy if that is all they are drawn to. if i loose any guys to her i pretty much write them off because i know they are simply interested in sex. i was going to move in with her in sept. but i am having doubts about this. to top it off she is my admin asst. so i am her boss.

i do need to speak with her. she knows when i am upset and she pretty much knows i am not happy with her right now, it is just a matter of me figuring out how to tell her i am not comfortable around her when she becomes free with herself.

 

[nbcrusader]

Agreed. It sounds as if she doesn't view the friendship as seriously as you have in the past. You will have more fun spending time with other friends.

 

[beegee]

this is insane. i know exactly what you are talking about. just a few weeks ago, i got fed up with the behavior of a friend i've had for twenty years. if anyone is interested, the details are in my journal. i have since ended our friendship. it's not fucking worth it to have people walking all over you and embarrassing you like that. it's so crazy to read your story...the girl i was friends with worked most of her life as an exotic dancer, too. maybe it's their low self-esteem?

in the past, we would go out and i would be talking to guys who were obviously more interested in me, and she'd waltz over and blurt out things like, "i used to be a stripper!" god, i don't miss that shit at all.

she was here a few weeks ago from northern california without her husband and she was like an animal out of a cage. at the pool, she would let her bikini top "accidentally" fall off, she'd loudly brag about the size of her ex boyfriend's...er, well...anyway. i swear to god, i finally threw her out. literally.

you don't need it, girl. let it go. i did, and i feel like i've been freed. i have plenty of other friends who will show respect for me and for themselves. and i'm sure that a great girl like you does, too.

 

[Danospano]

MissVelvetDress,
I trust that you know her better than anyone else, so I won't question your judgement as to her Jezibelian ways.
I will share with you, however, that I have a female friend who shows her boobs in public, to pretty much anyone (male or female). She has a low self-esteem, but I don't believe that's relevant to this matter. My friend is a blatant exhibitionist, who thrives on shocking other. I doubt your buddy shows her boobs when she's sober, so I won't hold you to the same standard of understanding.
I will recommend that you draw a bold line in the sand, and give her a choice: 1) Slowing decrease your boob show, with the hopes that she will eventually find a good guy who'll love her and give her enough confidence and will power to decease this behavior. or 2) The end of your friendship.
It's that simple.
If she refuses to change her ways, I'd immediately stop hanging out with her. After a few weeks she'll arrive at a crossroads, and either miss you so much that she'll try to control herself when you're around, or she'll get on with her life, like you will too.
I can empathize, but I personally wouldn't care what she did.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

thanks for all of the feedback. i am glad some of you understand what i am talking about. mindy, my friend cannot stop talking about her sex life. it is annoying too. i will walk into the office and she will be dead tired and i will ask her if she is ok, she will respond "oh i am great i had the most amazing night of sex!" me: "ok, sorry i asked." she does talk a lot about the sizes of guys and who is good in bed, etc. i honestly do not care to know this much about her sex life. yeah maybe it is this stripper mentality who knows. it is stupid that is all i know. i will probably talk to her later this weekend about it.

dano, i like your suggestions.

 

[Cleasai]

I'm sorry girl, I've got nothing to help ya with this one I do have have to ask one thing though. Do ya think that she might have a drinking problem? Do you have any other mutual friends who are equally upset with her? Perhaps it would be easier for all y'all to talk to her? Eh, I dunno

 

[hiphop]

I just wanted to point out that maybe she needs you more than you need her. That?s what a friendship is about as well. And if this is a very long, close friendship, I would suggest talking to her first. Even if that talking about being a stripper et al must be very offending; I can relate to that.

On the other hand, you can also decide to cancel the friendship to her and to fire her. Makes no difference to me.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

lol why would i fire her? we have a very professional relationship at the office. work is work, but of course as i mentioned before sometimes the comments get to be a bit too much for an office setting.

anyway, i will handle this situation as i feel fit. i do care about her as a friend, there are just qualities that she is displaying that i do not like. i guess it goes with most friends. the more you hang out with them, the more you seem to get annoyed with them. just like any relationships, sometimes a break is needed. she has been there for me when things have been very rough and i have been there for her as well. i am not going to throw it down the drain, but i do not like hanging out with her right now because of how she has been behaving. maybe trust was not the proper word to use to start off this thread.

 

[BAW]

Maybe respect was what you were really talking about, not trust

But I hear what you're saying and if the friendship is worth saving, make the effort absolutely Maybe she really doesn't realize how inappropriate her behavior is at times and you pointing it out might be an eye opener for her

 

[joyfulgirl]

I would drop her like a hot potato.

But that's how I am. I am very particular about the company I keep.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Man, what an uber-bitch. Drop her, she sounds like a real hassle to be around.

 

[martha]

She's also putting herself in dangerous situations. Someday she's going to be drunk, out of control and showing off her boobs, and some asshole is going to think that's an invitation and rape her. It happens, even though she may think she can control those situations.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

i am very worried about that too.

 

[martha]

Maybe that's a way to start the conversation.

 

[FizzingWhizzbees]

Does she definitely know how much you dislike her behaviour? I think martha has a good idea about starting the conversation by expressing concern for her so it's less like a confrontation and more like a friendly discussion. Just a thought.