i have a moral dilemma ...

[Irvine511]

... i don't know who to take to the first DC show, my unofficial new boyfriend or the person i originally offered the ticket to.

i'd gotten tix through U2.com for the 2nd show and decided to take another one of my friends, we'll call him G, because he's a huge fan, we've been friends for almost 10 years, etc. he also stuck with me when U2 went through their Pop phase and were the object of criticism and i did my best to defend them against the naysayers. i'm a big believer in Karma -- he earned that ticket.

i was deciding between giving the ticket to G, or to A, who is one of my new best friends since moving to DC. she and i have a fairly emotionally intimate relationship, and i adore her, though she's prone to some jealousy and bearing a grudge and i often have to walk on eggshells around her. she's also a pretty big fan. i was hearbroken to have to choose between G and A, but i felt as if G "deserved" it more -- i had even considered holding an essay contest -- but i was going to try and get tix to the 1st show on eBay so i could take one each night, and i knew A would have the $$$ to pay for the ticket.

magically, i was able to get -- expensive, nosebleed -- tix for DC night 1, and i offered them to A. she was thrilled, but knew that i had just started dating someone new, we'll call him T. she adores T, and she said, point blank, that if i'd prefer to take T, then she'd understand.

and while she'd understand, i know she desperately wants to go, since she screamed and started jumping up and down when i offered her the ticket. i think she's just being really nice, which is sweet, but ... i dunno ...

i know, i know, you're thinking, "but, Irvine, with a significant other, you can make out during WOWY or whatever." but i really can't, since we're two guys, and you never know who's going to have a bad reaction.

here's another thing: while things are going very well with T, he's very laid back and calm, and growing up in Tennessee he listened to lots of country music, and i'm ultimately not sure how much of a fan he is, though he said he'd love to see U2 since he thought it was something everyone should do before they die (and he's right). i think A is a bigger fan than T, and i somehow think it would be more fun with A since she's wild and crazy. i also go into a sort of trance at a U2 show -- i lose track of space and time and yell and scream and sing and cry and act like i've taken crazy pills. which is great. but i don't want to freak out someone at the beginning of a relationship.

anyway ... what would you do?

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I'd take the friend, Irvine. You offered the ticket to her first, and while it might be cool to take the new dude, think of how many other shows you two can make out during and how your friend will always remember that her favorite band played "X" at the show her friend Irvine took her too. Also, I'd take her anyway just for the "eggshells" factor alone!

Anyway, those are just my two cents. Good luck!

 

[Bonochick]

magically, i was able to get -- expensive, nosebleed -- tix for DC night 1, and i offered them to A. she was thrilled, but knew that i had just started dating someone new, we'll call him T. she adores T, and she said, point blank, that if i'd prefer to take T, then she'd understand.

To me, there's no dilemma. You already offered them to A. A is going. That's that. To tell her she's not going after you already offered the ticket is wrong. Even if she says she'd understand...I'd be willing to bet she'd still be upset. If I was A, and my friend did that to me, of course I'd tell my friend I understood...but I would still be really upset and disappointed.

 

[Irvine511]

Re: Re: i have a moral dilemma ...

To me, there's no dilemma. You already offered them to A. A is going. That's that. To tell her she's not going after you already offered the ticket is wrong. Even if she says she'd understand...I'd be willing to bet she'd still be upset. If I was A, and my friend did that to me, of course I'd tell my friend I understood...but I would still be really upset and disappointed.

but she told me that if i wanted to take T instead of her, she'd understand. she brought it up -- i didn't.

 

[nbcrusader]

Take the biggest U2 fan.

 

[{paintedroses}]

I'd definitely take 'A' just because she's a fan. I'd hate to go to a concert with someone who wasn't really a fan of the band.. and I know much I'd appreciate it if someone let me have a ticket to see a band I was a fan of. Maybe thats just me. To me a concert is about the music not the company. But I understand in this situation you've got other people's feelings to think about, I assume they both know you've got the ticket? If T isn't upset to not be going I'd say take A for sure. You could probably have just as much of a good experience with T at the cinema or going for dinner at an early stage of a relationship.

I just read back through your post and it says you originally offered it to A.. then I know if I was in your position theres no way I'd offer it to T.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Re: Re: Re: i have a moral dilemma ...

but she told me that if i wanted to take T instead of her, she'd understand. she brought it up -- i didn't.

People will say stuff like that all the time, but never really mean it, unfortunately.

 

[Irvine511]

Re: Re: Re: Re: i have a moral dilemma ...

People will say stuff like that all the time, but never really mean it, unfortunately.

you mean people say things they don't mean?

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I would say A, you asked her first and she seems to be so excited about going. She is a good friend if she says it's OK to take T, but she is probably hurt all the same. She might be just saying what she feels a good friend should say. It is about the music but when friendship and other issues are involved it can get complicated.

You can always make out w/ T somewhere else seriously, hopefully you will have many other opportunities w/ him

I think the fact that you are putting so much thought into this and it's bothering you shows that you're special

 

[Irvine511]

aw, thanks Mrs. S.

this is the other thing: if i don't take T, will this be viewed as a commentary as how i see the relationship? that he's not *that* special to me? i don't think that, but i've learned that half of relationships occur in the silences between spoken words, and what is not said is just as important as what is said. would this be starting the relationship off on the wrong foot? am i sending a message that will doom the relationship before it even really begins?

why do these things gotta be so hard ...

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

this is the other thing: if i don't take T, will this be viewed as a commentary as how i see the relationship? that he's not *that* special to me? i don't think that, but i've learned that half of relationships occur in the silences between spoken words, and what is not said is just as important as what is said. would this be starting the relationship off on the wrong foot? am i sending a message that will doom the relationship before it even really begins

I wouldn't think so at all

Can you ask him about that?

 

[bsp77]

this is the other thing: if i don't take T, will this be viewed as a commentary as how i see the relationship? that he's not *that* special to me? i don't think that, but i've learned that half of relationships occur in the silences between spoken words, and what is not said is just as important as what is said. would this be starting the relationship off on the wrong foot? am i sending a message that will doom the relationship before it even really begins?

If he can't understand taking a close friend that you already said could go, then he will not be very understanding about future issues either. So if this minor thing dooms the relationship, then it would have been doomed anyway.

 

[Bonochick]

If he can't understand taking a close friend that you already said could go, then he will not be very understanding about future issues either. So if this minor thing dooms the relationship, then it would have been doomed anyway.

 

[melon]

If he can't understand taking a close friend that you already said could go, then he will not be very understanding about future issues either. So if this minor thing dooms the relationship, then it would have been doomed anyway.

I agree. Seems like a no-brainer to me: take the friend you asked originally.

Melon

 

[Dulce de Leche]

I agree with all of the above.

Hopefully you will have lots of other things you can do with the new significant other.

 

[Irvine511]

I agree. Seems like a no-brainer to me: take the friend you asked originally.

really? the fact that i'm romantically involved with one and not the other isn't some sort of trump card?

i know he wants to go, very much.

 

[pax]

If I was the new s.o. in the situation, I would admire your loyalty to your friend and your consistency in giving the ticket to the individual to whom it was initially offered. It would say to me, "Here's a dude who respects his friendships, honors agreements, and who will do the same for me if he makes a promise to me."

Think of it that way.

 

[Irvine511]

hmmmmmmm ... one of my best-est friends (one of the two responsible for making me drink deeply from the U2 Kool-Aid waaaaay back in 7th grade) wrote me this:

i think this is a test of your feelings for this dude. she's giving you an out, though if you are feeling stronger feelings about "fairness"/who is more deserving, rather than just wanting to spend the concert with someone you're romantically involved with, maybe you're not that into him. or, perhaps, you don't want to be distracted romantically from bono.

 

[bsp77]

really? the fact that i'm romantically involved with one and not the other isn't some sort of trump card?

i know he wants to go, very much.

It may be a trump card if you just got an extra ticket and had to choose - then yes, go with the boyfriend. But this was already promised to the friend and you should stick to your promises.

 

[indra]

hmmmmmmm ... one of my best-est friends (one of the two responsible for making me drink deeply from the U2 Kool-Aid waaaaay back in 7th grade) wrote me this:

Oh crap! I certainly hope this doesn't get turned into a test. I don't think I would care for anyone very much who was "testing" me. Of course that might be why I'm 41 and single. When things get to this point I say "screw you all" and I go alone.


...so I guess I'm not much help at all, am I? Sorry.

 

[Mr. BAW]

Who are you, a man or a mouse???? Go by yourself and sell the second ticket!

OMG BAW's glaring at me....ok, ok....take the first one!...

 

[Irvine511]

Who are you, a man or a mouse???? Go by yourself and sell the second ticket!

 

[melon]

I'd say that, in this situation, communication is important. Approach the subject with both the friend and the significant other and figure out a solution.

Melon

 

[dandy]

Who are you, a man or a mouse???? Go by yourself and sell the second ticket!

or better yet, ditch them all and take me instead!



seriously, though, i'd go with your bud that you had originally offered the ticket to. she says she wouldn't be upset, but yeah, she probably would be. if T's worth keeping around for awhile, he will certainly understand a prior commitment with a friend.

don't beat yourself up because you're feeling a little torn on what to do, and don't (be like me and) drive yourself nuts by overanalyzing every conceivable angle. if you had three tickets, you could just take them both, but you don't, so try not to feel too badly about it.

 

[youtooellen]

I'd say take A, or the person you asked originally.
(like everyone said, she said she won't be upset but really, she probably would be..)

if not and you're still in doubt about it, take whoever you'd have most fun with. the person who you'd have a blast with at the show and would sing along just as crazy with you. if not just as crazy, then ... nearly crazy

good luck

 

[For Honor]

Re: Re: i have a moral dilemma ...

To me, there's no dilemma. You already offered them to A. A is going. That's that. To tell her she's not going after you already offered the ticket is wrong. Even if she says she'd understand...I'd be willing to bet she'd still be upset. If I was A, and my friend did that to me, of course I'd tell my friend I understood...but I would still be really upset and disappointed.

^Bingo, Bingo was his name-o, as the song goes......


I can see how this would be a tough issue. But really, I guess it's easy for me to figure what I would do.

If you want, after you get back from the show, watch your favorite U2 movie or something with your new aquaintence. If nothing more, you might convert someone to a higher existance, (aka being a U2 fan)


good luck, Irvine

 

[For Honor]

really? the fact that i'm romantically involved with one and not the other isn't some sort of trump card?

i know he wants to go, very much.

I know what you mean here - I would tend to put an affectionate other ahead, too... Hmmmm.........

But I suppose this would be a good "endurance" test, to see if things would last. Well, maybe... But if you explain everything to him, perhaps that would be best?(ah, and, if you don't go with him, maybe you could be "playing hard to get" ? Sometimes being unavailible is intriguing...)(But I don't like games, so... just be honest about it, I guess. So... maybe explain your dilema, and go from there. I'm still compeled to say go with your girl friend, though, for some reason.)


Hmm.... rereading stuff, I think, especially if you explain about your friend, he'd understand. Or at least, if he was decent, he'd understand....

but she told me that if i wanted to take T instead of her, she'd understand. she brought it up -- i didn't.

Especially if you know someone is the jealous/possesive type......... I think that's a risky situation to be in, heh. Of course she's being nice.

Now it's your turn to 'be nice' back.
(as in, take her to the U2 show)

 

[the soul waits]

To me, it sounds like you would prefer taking T. to the concert and are looking for ways to validate this feeling by saying things like "A. said she'd be ok with it" and "isn't the fact that I'm romantically involved with T. some sort of trump card?"

Sounds like you're trying to justify your desire to take T.

I don't really see the dilemma either, it was a prior commitment and friends are precious and rare. She'd love to go but is polite enough to give you an out. That still doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, imo.

I don't agree with this being a test of how into this guy you are. There are tons of opportunities to go out together with him. I don't think you're dooming this relationship by going with your friend. Sounds nothing but healthy to me when you do things apart from eachother.

Personally, when I'm in the process of getting to know someone new, I pay a great deal of attention to how the SO is treating the people close to him (friends, family). Because that's the true person coming out right there, these are people he's comfortable with, has known for a long time.....and he'll eventually treat me in a similar way.
Never fails.
So, if anything, T. will be happy to see you treating your friend with such care and attention to how much she wants to go, even though you'd rather take T. I'd even say this to T. this way.

Good luck with this one, Irvine

 

[DrTeeth]

Re: Re: Re: i have a moral dilemma ...

but she told me that if i wanted to take T instead of her, she'd understand. she brought it up -- i didn't.

You obviously know nothing about women.

Seriously though, take your friend, it's only fair.