I hate guilt trips

[Laura M]

To cut a long story short my Mum's family all fell out with her and my Dad, for 6 years we heard nothing from them and over the past year we have had a lot of problems at home my brother was in hospital, my sister was in intensive care last March and my Mum was in hospital over Christmas and is still ill. My parents have no interest in my Mum's family as they are all spiteful, my aunts will even ignore me now if they see me when I am out even though they stopped talking to my parents when I was 12.

All of a sudden 2 of my cousins started texting me, they kept pressuring me into meeting them and kept phoning me asking questions about the family anytime something was happening like at my Mum's birthday/ their wedding anniversary they would text me asking me what I was doing. I didn't like it but I, believing that they really might be good folk (i.e. being completely naive and blind idiot) spoke to them but didn't give out any info. I told them lies or changed the subject and they got bored and hung up. Two of my other cousins go to my university and they got my number from the first set of cousins, they started meeting me and questioning me, they asked me was I still living were we used to live and they obviously knew this as my cousin shouted out that he drove past our house and was able to tell me our registration plate number, not even we know it , you can't jsut drive by our house, our street is never used unless you live in it as it is not near the main road. I was getting really sick of them phoning me all the time and trying to get me to meet them out one night, they started guilt tripping me by saying i was always their favourite cousin (they are all 6- 10 years older than me) and that Granny would be disappointed because I had changed so much ( My Granny died when I was 6 or 7 and I don't have much memory of her) They must have known my sister was sick as the two times I met them at university they mentioned diabetes 13 times, even my friend asked why they brought it up so mcuh and had they known about my ssister, they also kept asking if my mum was still at work and they obviously knew she wasnt. Our cousins (their other brothers and sisters) are doctors so they can read our medical files as they read my Dad's before. I was clearly being told lies as they were btoh telling me different versions of the same stories and I was finding out information like my cousin got married and one of our relatives died from strangers, when I asked them they told me they didn't know but they had been at the wedding/ funeral then they changed their minds and said they had gone but just forgot about it.

Last week was the final straw though as they had been phoning me all over Easter and kept saying how much of a bad cousin I was as I couldn't even find the time to meet them, then 2 of my cousins walked past and I said hello they looked down and started sniggering to each other, the next day I seen them again when I was crossing the road and they ddi the same thing, kept glancing over and sniggering, yesterday another cousin (sorry if this is confusing ) texted me asking why I was ignoring her so I lied and said my phone was broken over Easter and I lost everyones numbers and sure enough today the cousin who ignored me and sniggered was phoning me questioning me, trying to go to hish ouse and "meet all the rellies" I went mad. I told him that he could cut the pretence and that he obviously wanted something, I told him that him and his sister scuttled past me like 2 rats with their heads down sniggering 2 days in a row and I wasn't that much of a walkover and I didn't want to hear from them anymore. Then I hung up. Now the other cousins are on the bandwagon texting me asking me how I am and what my problem is, I told them I didn't want to hear from them either and now they are telling me I am overreacting and if I cause a massive split between everyone only I can be held responsible. Then the cousins who ignored me said that they just didnt see me (thats right because my friend who walked behind them heard me and then asked why I was calling to strangers!) and they don't know what I am talking about, they know I am mad at everyone (who is everyone? Nobody speaks to me) and that if I fall out with them I am doing the wrong thing.

I know they are bad news and I know they heard me. My Mum said my aunts did the same thing, when I told my cousins one of my aunts told my sister I was ugly and chubby and ignored me but insinuated all sorts of things because she seen me walking home with a friend I was really angry he must have told her because now she doesnt ignore me but pointed and laughed last time I seen her.

I really don't appreciate being put on a guilt trip from people I haven't seen in 6 years, I never needed them and I won't need them now as they say I do, it's not me crawling to them looking for info, I have more important things to do than wonder what people I care nothing for are doing. They are trying to make me feel bad and it is working, I don't like it. My Mum told me that I will only feel bad if they let me and my aunts have done this to her and Dad for 20 years and to ignore them, even I know this will annoy them as they love a good fight. I am just worried now incase they approach me at university and start harrassing me and making me talk to them, I can never stand up for myself.

 

[Laura M]

The thing is my cousin keeps sending me messages now saying he will meet me and to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said to my Mum I could reply back "Ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, now will you leave me alone" but she said to wait until he tried to speak to me and say you already offend my eyes please don't offend my ears too.
I would die having to say that to anyone, I have a big problem having any confidence in myself and standing up for myself, I guess thats a big part of my confession.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

But what the hell do they want with you? I think you got to find that out first, ask them what is that they want with you and if you don't like or care about them then don't pay attention at them. If all that they do is pass by you and talk well that's nothing, you just laugh back or whatever or maybe don't even make eye contact but first I think you gotta know what it is that they want with you all of the sudden. Weird, weird people your cousins. And if they keep calling well just tell them to not call back, what the hell do you need them for anyway? Sometimes you got to be rude with rude people cause that's all they know.

Hope your Mom gets better and leave the hospital soon.

 

[pepokiss]

To cut a long story short

I loved that part...

 

[fah]

I think you should talk to them and listen to what they have to say. Olive branches are difficult to grab onto, but more often they are difficult to extend.

 

[beli]

I agree. See what they want. I stopped speaking to my father when I was about 16. That ment I lost contact with his family too. When I had my first child, when I was 34, I got all these phone calls, out of the blue, from my Aunt and great Aunts whinging that I didnt tell them if I had a boy or girl.

Turns out my father had been blocking contact from his family to me. Once I got over all the weirdness of it all one of my Aunts has now become one of my best email buddies.

You really dont know what they want until you ask them. Then if they turn out to be complete bastards feel free to not have anything to do with them, no matter how much peer group pressure is placed on you. Doesnt matter if they are family. Bastards are bastards.

 

[Laura M]

My aunts are nosey, I have no doubt they have my cousins questioning me so they can keep tabs on us, whenever I see my cousins they question me, I told them yesterday they could cut the pretence and just come out with what they wanted, they said they only asked me about the family and why they were fighting because they thought I would like to discuss it (Why??? ) and that if we stopped talking they could not be held responsible. The other cousin said he had never asked me about the family or questioned me (that is a lie even my friend asked why he had quizzed me so much) I asked him was he being facetious, he asked what facetious meant.

 

[Laura M]

My Mum hasn't stopped me talking to my family, she said I could talk with them if I wanted, I wouldnt want to speak to an aunt who points and laughs at me in the street. It also took 6 years for my cousins to get in contact with their "favourite" cousin. I highly doubt they are interested in speaking to me because they actually care about me. They arrived at our house last year and I was the only one home they kept asking when my parents were coming home and I said I didn't know they just sat not speaking for about an hour making me feel uncomfortable and then said they were bored waiting and left. I think they were here to quiz my parents too.

I loved that part...

I know it was long, I was cutting the story about why everyone is fighting short, if I had of included that it would have been 4 times the length it was.

 

[fah]

You can pick your nose
You can pick your friends
But you can't pick your family

 

[Cleasai]

I too have spies running rampant in my family line... which is why I can't really say much in here (I'm afraid one of them will follow me into Interference) But I just wanted to say that I know what you're going through Lara. It's hard and very unpleasant. Like Fah said, maybe y'all should get together. If even just you and your cousins. It might be interesting what arises out of it.

 

[Mullen-Girl]

Lara. It's a difficult situation you're in but I'd listen to what they have to say.

 

[Laura M]

They have nothing to say I am afraid, anytime I have emt them they make me feel uncomfortable. they only question me and question me.

 

[fah]

If you feel uncomfortable - tell them and tell them why.

The issue/problem that caused the riff inside your mother's family may or may not still be there. Time can heal a lot of things but it can also make a problem worse. It might be time to sit down with your Mom and Dad and find out what the problem is/was (if you don't know). Family is one of the greatest things on this planet. All families need work to be great. Yours might need some outside help, like a counsellor or therapist. Don't let a family feud drag you down.

 

[wolfeden]

I hear you; fortunately I live far enough away from my father's side of the family that they really can't find me even if they want to.

Frankly it doesn't sound to me like they want to be anything positive in your life, so I'd cut them out completely; block their texts and do not answer or return their calls. I put up with third-rate treatment from my father's family for 18 years --nasty comments about my appearance and my interests, outright slandering my mother in front of me, (parents divorced and they never liked my mom) always comparing me to another cousin who was my polar opposite and telling my father I was worthless because I wasn't like my cousins, being given crap from the goodwill store at xmas while everyone else unwrapped expensive things... the list goes on. My father's sister couldn't even be bothered to remember my daughter's name, and my dad was standing right there when she did it, so that finally drove home the point to him of why I refuse to associate with these godawful people ever again. They seem to take pride in being ignorant, undereducated, and bigoted.

Some people tell me I'm harsh about this but I will still tell anyone in your situation: Cut the toxic people out of your life, whether they're related by blood or not. You don't deserve to grow weakened and in pain from their poison.

Give them ~one~ chance to offer an olive branch as others have said, but if the nasty behavior continues, cut them away from you and leave the pain behind.

There is strength within you - it just needs room to grow. Believe in it...... and believe in yourself.

 

[U2girl]

Yes, they probably want something from you. (strange way to show it though) Perhaps the root of it all is the anger between your Mum's family and your parents. I say try to find out what happened then, and see if you can find out what the cousins want from you.

Sorry I don't mean to laugh at your family and don't take this the wrong way but the part when you said your cousins scuttled like rats made me chuckle.

Facetious - I have to look that one up in the dictionary, I think I know what it means, I probably heard a less fancy word for it
vocabulary

*edit* Actually I was wrong in that guess, I thought it was something like sneaky or hypocritical. Thanks for a new word

 

[beli]

I hear you; fortunately I live far enough away from my father's side of the family that they really can't find me even if they want to. </snip>

Hi Wolfeden. I hear ya. Theres a lot of crap to be put up with by cutting the toxic people out of your life. But I agree. Its the best thing I have ever done. I still get crap for not speaking to my father - even from my mother who divorced him. (Mind you my fathers mother agrees with me )

But I continue on. Life is too short to spend it with toxic people.

 

[indra]

Frankly it doesn't sound to me like they want to be anything positive in your life, so I'd cut them out completely; block their texts and do not answer or return their calls. I put up with third-rate treatment from my father's family for 18 years --nasty comments about my appearance and my interests, outright slandering my mother in front of me, (parents divorced and they never liked my mom) always comparing me to another cousin who was my polar opposite and telling my father I was worthless because I wasn't like my cousins, being given crap from the goodwill store at xmas while everyone else unwrapped expensive things... the list goes on...

Sounds a lot like my father's family too...

And I think you have given your cousins plenty of opportunities to tell you what they want and to be decent people, Lara. I have the feeling they are getting exactly what they want from you and that is a sense of superiority over you or simply to make you feel uncomfortable. I would cut them out of your life as much as possible... screen your calls, don't reply to their emails (even put them on a do not accept list so you don't even get the email in the first place), do not engage them when they IM you (you aren't obligated to talk to anyone), and when they approach you in person (simply say something like "oh sorry, but I'm late for an appointment" and walk off.

Gravitate toward positive people and don't worry about the negative ones. They are just trying to make you feel as miserable as they are. Try to live by this adage: "The best revenge is living well."

 

[Schmeg]

But I continue on. Life is too short to spend it with toxic people.

Even if they're family. Just because someone is related to you does not mean they're a good person.

My family is in the process of chopping a whole branch off my family tree. The details are UGLY, but this branch has only hurt us and my grandmother while she was still alive. But sometimes it's better to just lose contact with people than to continue to allow them to hurt you.

I hope everything works out all right for you, Lara.

 

[forbonou2]

I agree with lara with Wolf-100%!! you deserve respect-even from family members! Esp. if strangers can treat you better then 'family'!