i had dinner with my father

[beegee]

and it wasn't his idea. it was mine. now, for those of you who don't know my story, i'll keep it brief. my father left my mother last december after thirty three years of marriage for another woman. tonight was the first time i have spoken to him in four months.

the reason i decided to see him was because lately, i have been trying really hard to grasp the concept of forgiveness. i want so badly to let go of all the anger that is inside me. i want people to stop calling me bitter. i want to learn to hang on to the people in my life that i love, and to stop driving them away because i am afraid to be close. i have lost too many people already. i don't want people to say that i am mean and angry anymore. i want to let go of the past. i want to learn to move on. i want to forgive the people who have hurt me. this was my first step.

before tonight, i had vowed never to speak to my father again. but now, little by little, perhaps we can begin to be friends again. maybe we will never be as close as we once were, but it's a start.

i need to learn to take life a little slower, a little easier, to learn that i cannot be responsible for the people who hurt me, and to learn to let it go.

 

[cell]

i know how that is bg

i forgave my father for being a dumbass to my family. forgiving was somewhat easy for me, because i want so much for him to love and accept me for me. its not so easy to forget the past tho. all you can do is just take things day by day.

 

[ABEL]

 

[U2girl]

 

[spinninghead77]

Good for you! It is strange when we become the 'bigger person' in our relationships with our parents but I think that you deserve big props for trying.

 

[joyfulgirl]

right on!
unconditional love

 

[ouizy]

you are a very big person for what you did.

I have someone in my life now that has very recently crushed my family. I cannot forgive him now, nor will I soon.

I do not know how I ever will...

 

[BAW]

you did a really good thing bg...it takes a lot to forgive someone who has really hurt you.

My Dad did some horrible things to our family and I didn't speak to him for over 12 years and my sister held out for 15 years. When our stepmom called us to tell he was terminally ill, we had two choices...hold on to our grudge and let him die thinking we hated him or let go of the past and make the most of our remaining time together.

We chose to forgive and were able to have 2 wonderful years with our Dad. It wasn't always easy and he did a lot of apologizing but in the end, it was so worth it. He even made peace with my Mom, who had refused to be in the same room with him for almost 20 years. Seeing them hug was one of the most emotional things I have ever witnessed because I never thought I would see that in my lifetime.

Forgiveness takes a huge weight off your shoulders...and even though you might have to let go of some of your pride, its so worth it.

 

[beegee]

ouizy

BAW

thank you everyone for your kind words.

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

bg, I am so proud of you. Being the stronger, more mature person really took a lot of guts. It's wonderful that you were able to forgive.

The same applies for you, BAW. It takes a lot of courage indeed to do what you did. I'm glad everything worked out in the end.

Ouizy...in due time. It must be hard. You don't have to forgive right away, nor do you ever have to forgive. I just hope that your family is okay.

 

[Angel]

I am sure that was really hard. Good on ya girl. One must always be able to move forward.

 

[hiphop]

Congratulations.

It was the right thing to do, and you know it.

Yes. Take life a little slower.

Yes. Take it a little easier.

And let it go.

Again, Congratulations.

 

[IWasBored]

first of all, very difficult subject to deal with. i'm glad you can forgive him. i wouldn't want to. my dad left my mom after 20 years of marriage, when i was 11. i haven't spoken to him since i was 12, i haven't wanted to, i'm pretty sure i'll never want to. i guess it's good that you can forgive your dad, and if it makes you feel better that you can forgive him, then it is good.

 

[DiGi]

big props to you bg84...

one step small step at a time

 

[LoriHewson]

I know how it all is...but my dad came back to live with us, and now he acts like nothing ever happened!!! Now he is treating my badly...always yelling at me and telling me I should move out because I am 22(still in college and living at home because I have not money...lol)...Well I just want scream at him and tell him to go back to his skank and that none of us wanted him to come back anyway!!!! Ugh..it makes me feel sick just thinking about it My dad and I were never close because he wasn't really there when I was little because he drank a lot then...I just don't know how to handle it.

I'm so glad you have the chance to re-connect with your dad Take it and run and never look back . I wish I could forgive, but i'm just not ready for it yet.

Lori

 

[beegee]

oh honey, lori, you sound just like me a few months ago. yes, my father was a shit while i was growing up, too. he wasn't around much, and he drank more than he should, but he was still my dad, ya know? i will always love him. sometimes, when people hurt you, you have to realize that you cannot harbor all of that anger. it's not good. it will eat you up. please, listen to me. try to let it go. you may never be very close to him, but you MUST let go of the anger. sometimes i think, if you give love, you will get love.

as for everyone else who had so many kind things to say to me, i want to thank you. some of you have become good friends and some of you i would like to get to know better.

iwasbored... i can tell already that you have a very big heart. i laugh sometimes at how often we disagree on the boards, and yet, here you are, offering me hugs. maybe you could extend some of this kindness to your dad as well. just think about it.

 

[LoriHewson]

oh honey, lori, you sound just like me a few months ago. yes, my father was a shit while i was growing up, too. he wasn't around much, and he drank more than he should, but he was still my dad, ya know? i will always love him. sometimes, when people hurt you, you have to realize that you cannot harbor all of that anger. it's not good. it will eat you up. please, listen to me. try to let it go. you may never be very close to him, but you MUST let go of the anger. sometimes i think, if you give love, you will get love.

Yes if you give love you will get it...that is something I think about also...and I believe it...but i've tried with my dad. This all started back in August...my brother's 16th b-day to be exact. My dad finally came clean to my mom after 2 years of seeing another women. He left a day or so after that and then came back in October. The whole time he was gone he called and said I love you blah blah blah(Which he has NEVER said to me in 22 years), but when he came back it was the same stuff all over again...i'm willing to forgive if he can stop acting like nothing ever happened. I can get a long with him because we have to live together, but I don't think i'll ever look at him in the same way you know? I'm not bitter or anythign, just a bit hurt by the whole situation....Wow can't believe I've just said all that...i've only talked to two people about this...I just feel so comfortable with you all Thanks a lot

Lori

 

[beegee]

aaw yeah, i like to think we're a nice group. you need to tell him some of the things that you said to me. to be honest, i'm not really the best person to give advice. i'm a huge screw-up myself. just give it a shot. talk to him. what have you got to lose?

 

[hippy]

before tonight, i had vowed never to speak to my father again. but now, little by little, perhaps we can begin to be friends again. maybe we will never be as close as we once were, but it's a start.

maybe you will become even closer...

my family went through a messy divorce 5 years ago... it took forgiveness on everyone's part for us to even consider being a family again...

but somehow, I feel closer to my mother, father, and two brothers after everything we've been through...

while I regret the way things happened... I do not in the least regret the feelings I have for them now, or the understanding I have of what it takes to truly forgive and begin to love again...

and, though I didn't believe it was possible, I love them all more than I did before...

so it's possible... you just have to be open, which you've already shown by taking that VERY important first step

 

[Klaus]

bonosgirl84:

you are a good bonosgirl
I'm glad to see that you are strong enough for such a step.

Klaus

 

[LoriHewson]

aaw yeah, i like to think we're a nice group. you need to tell him some of the things that you said to me. to be honest, i'm not really the best person to give advice. i'm a huge screw-up myself. just give it a shot. talk to him. what have you got to lose?

yep you guys are a great bunch I'm gonna try and talk to him and see if it can accomplish anything.

Lori

 

[BAW]

Even though its a really painful topic, I this thread. bg is so right about letting go of the anger...it will eat you up if you hold on to it.

I know we all want our parents to be perfect and never make mistakes but we eventually have to realize that they are imperfect human beings just like their kids...when we screw up, we want their forgiveness and when they screw up, they want the same thing from us.

I know some things can't be forgiven or some people aren't ready but if family problems can be worked out somehow, its really worth the effort. And some parents are so screwed up, it takes the kid being the bigger person to set things in motion.

to everyone