I found my kinda-boyfriend's personal ad online.

[madamc]

I'd confront him about it. But that's just me.

BTW fake email? That's pretty bad. I'd only do that if I didn't like the guy. But I'd feel bad about it after.

 

[pax]

No immediate plans to engage in electronic subterfuge, don't worry. Chizip, I see where you're coming from, but it just seems like it would have too much potential to backfire. I'm just chillin for now.

 

[Chizip]

give me the webpage for his personal ad and e-mail address and you'll have your answer in no time

and then you cant get in trouble for lying or whatever, even though he'd never find out in the first place

you're lucky to have me on your side

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

chizip the super hero

 

[meegannie]

Chizip, I'm sorry to say this, but that's the worst advice ever. Why play sneaky head games? It's lame, immature, and sets everyone involved up in a stupid, suspicious web of deceit and lies.


A successful relationship is built on trust and honesty; if you really think what you're suggesting will work, I fear for whomever you decide to date in the future.

If it's REALLY bothering you, you need to talk to him, but don't do it in an accusatory tone.

 

[deep]

I felt the same way as Marha,

This is somebody?s life you're are fucking around with.

Entrapment is creepy and immature.

If someone wants to say this is what I would do, fine.

But to continue to encourage sneaky, deceitful behavior is not helpful.

 

[gvox]

The only person who is talking sense in this thread is Chizip.

If you set up a fake email, there are two possible outcomes:

1. He answers it with "gee thanks for responding, but I'm sortof involved right now, in fact I was just about to delete this ad". In this case you now know the truth, he is the man of your dreams and you can feel alot better about it and never mention it again. When you see him again, give him the biggest hug and kiss and if he appears startled, just say something about how you feel so glad to be with a genuine person such as him. He needs to know nothing, and probably wont care as you are hugging him so tightly.

2. He answers with anything else BUT 'gee thanks for responding but I'm sortof involved right now', and even suggests a coffee meeting, he is a player and you can then decide if you want to stay with a player OR you should break up with him immediately with absolutely no explanation.

In case #2 he deserves nothing from you. He doesnt deserve honesty, trust, maturity or any of the other lame assed reasons I've seen so far why you shouldnt exercise your right to investigate his behaviour. It also does NOT matter if he even finds out it was you, because his opinion of you IS COMPLETLELY WORTHLESS in the case that he answers the email.

I'm not saying arrange a meeting where you get to shock the hell out of him and confront him. Im saying you do right by yourself and find out what he's all about without him knowing that you are investigating. It is fully within your right. Then you make the decision if you want to spend time with a player.

And if you do cut him off, why should you give him the benefit of a lesson learned that he just lost out on a great relationship because of his online cheating? Cut him off with no other reason than you just want to remain friends. Let him wonder, let him sweat. Let him go through life making the same dumbassed mistakes, if he wants to ruin himself its not your responsibility to teach him how to behave.

Then again, you could just confront him about it. Sure he may give you all the reassurance and words you want to hear. In that case you'll never REALLY know if his answer is truthful and sincere, or if he cooled off a bit and then set up his OWN fake email and profile in a week or so so he could continue playing. You will go through life never really knowing. NEVER.

Think about it.

All's fair in love and war, they say.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

there is a local radio morning show here in atlanta that has a "war of the roses" segment every week to address such things. they have a female dj call a guy who is suspected of cheating on their girlfriend/ wife. this dj informs them that they have been picked to send a free dozen roses to a person of their choice. meanwhile the girlfriend/wife who is suspect of her boyfriend/husband is sitting silent on the line. needless to say some bad things have been discovered because of this, but also some good things have come out of it. maybe you should call this station and have them do this for you.

 

[spinninghead77]

set up a fake email, there are two possible outcomes:

1. He answers it with "gee thanks for responding, but I'm sortof involved right now, in fact I was just about to delete this ad". In this case you now know the truth, he is the man of your dreams and you can feel alot better about it and never mention it again. When you see him again, give him the biggest hug and kiss and if he appears startled, just say something about how you feel so glad to be with a genuine person such as him. He needs to know nothing, and probably wont care as you are hugging him so tightly.

So what you are saying then Gabriel, is that after tricking him and lying to him then you can build a strong relationship.

I believe that real relationships are built on communication and understanding. Talk to the guy. Explain to him how you came across his profile, and use the situation as a starting point to a conversation about your relationship and where it is headed. If this is a guy that you don't feel comfortable talking to about this then I don't know if he is a long term prospect.

 

[ghetofabu]

sorry. He sounds shady to me, and not serious about you. Hate to be blunt but that is what I think.

 

[gvox]

So what you are saying then Gabriel, is that after tricking him and lying to him then you can build a strong relationship.

What I am saying is she should use her head and act in kind with the player/online culture that seems to be the norm nowadays.

Allow me to simplify it. Here's a sample:

"Hi, I read your profile and it seemed interesting. I've noticed tho that sometimes people's ads are out of date or they are no longer single, so before I waste my fingers on a long response, are you still looking for that special someone?"

Now, how is that a. a trick, or b. lying to him?? Its a simple investigative question, basically, are you still single. If he answers in the affirmative, she need go no further, she knows he is not serious about his real life relationship with her. If he says he's now involved, she need go no further, she knows he isn't really looking outside of their relationship. She can then have that lovely discussion everyone is suggesting and ask him to delete the ad, with the knowledge in the back of her mind that he really is sincere.

Its not rocket science, and it's not lying or tricking anyone.

I believe that real relationships are built on communication and understanding. Talk to the guy. Explain to him how you came across his profile, and use the situation as a starting point to a conversation about your relationship and where it is headed. If this is a guy that you don't feel comfortable talking to about this then I don't know if he is a long term prospect.

The point is not whether she feels comfortable talking to him about it, the point is, can she realistically expect a forthright answer from someone who just recently updated his ad? I would say that the likelihood is far greater that he will, in the course of their lovely touchy feely conversation you are suggesting, issue a denial, a reassurance of innocence, or a promise to change. But she will never really know if he has made contacts with the ad, or will in a few weeks or months time set up another ad somewhere else.

She needs to know. Then she can make her own decision about whether she even wants to talk to someone like him about it.

 

[LoriHewson]

I'd have to say I agree with Gabriel. I've kinda been in a situation like this and it was a learning experience to say the least. I sent an e-mail from a different account...call it entrapment or creepy, but it proved a point and I didn't have to worry anymore. You just have to do what you feel is best. In the end all that matters is if you believe you did the right thing!

Lori

 

[meegannie]

If you would be willing to do something like that, I would re-think the relationship in the first place.

 

[dizzy]

I would think the best thing to do is talk to him about it.

 

[pax]

Well, I saw that this thread had revived, so here's an update:

1.) I did nothing, pretty much, although I did send the sorta-boyfriend an e-mail in which I asked him how serious he was about me and that I was feeling sort of neglected. I made no mention of the ad or any other suspicions.

2.) But then...
http://forum.interference.com/journ...624&action=view#Days 96/97: Maybe This Time I'll%20Be%20Lucky,%20Maybe%20This%20Time%20He'll%20Stay

You might want to read Days94-97 for a full explanation.