I Feel I Have Been Sheltered... - U2 Feedback

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Old 02-26-2002, 03:34 PM   #1
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Hey girl. I totally know where you are coming from. I have lost both my grandma's and my uncle who was quite young. Death is one of those inexplicable things that we all have to deal with. When my last grandma passed a year and a half ago, it hit me super hard. We were really close.
Anyway, it got me thinking about my parents, because I saw how hard it was on my mom. It doesn't matter what age your parents go, it feels just the same. That's what people tell me. My grandma was 80 and I can take solace in the fact that she had such a long and productive life, but I resent anyone who is 90. I think, that could have been her. But you can't control that.
Wow, I got off the point. My point is... after my grandma passed, I started freaking out about my mom and dad. They are only 50 something and very healthy but things happen, god forbid. Anyway, I thought I needed to detach myself from them a bit because we are so close. I figured if I was to survive this event which is inevitable one day, I couldn't do it being so close to them. That was when I started to really take my plans to move to Europe seriously. The need to create a life away from them was the driving force.
Even though I still plan to move away for awhile, me reasons have changed. I still want to create a life for away from the family, but I have stopped trying to distant myself and have stopped trying to care less. I love my parents so much and am thankful for the relationship I have with them, and I think in the end, no matter how hard, it'll be easier knowing we had a great friendship and were close than it would be thinking how I pushed them away to protect me.
Anyway my point--> don't worry about something that is so huge and so out of your control honey. You can't do anything about it, so get it out of your mind. Just enjoy them. Enjoy them as much as you can while you can, and being 50 nowadays is still young.


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Old 02-26-2002, 04:29 PM   #2
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As some of you know, I recently lost my best friend of 23 years. He died just 29 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. He was only 42, and he did not even look like he had a headcold when he died. I was both grateful that he got out before it got ugly, and also shocked by the suddenness.

While I've lost many other people, nothing touched me like this one, and I doubt any other death will. It's been 4 months and I'm still in shock. Everyday when I wake up, there is but one thought: "Steve's dead." I have a lot of good friends, but no one that I can talk to on the deep level that he and I communicated on. So the predominant feeling I walk around with each day is that there's no one to talk to, no one else who understands me, and, because the loss has been so great, I am not inclined to get that close to anyone again. So I feel kind of left out in the cold...

BUT, I also think these are very normal feelings that will pass in time, and much of what I am feeling is really delusional and born of anger and sorrow--there are, in fact, plenty of people to talk to and who care about me, or would like to be closer to me. But my walls are up.

On the bright side of all of this, I do believe that we all have inner resources that are normally latent and then when we're shocked by a sudden loss, those resources wake up, kick in, and help us cope. I've experienced it myself and seen it in others a lot.

What has helped me the most is meditation and having a belief system already in place that views death in a very beautiful light. It doesn't lessen the immediate sense of loss and pain, but at least I am free to grieve and to feel the sorrow without the added pain and confusion of being unsure of how I feel about death and what happens at death. So if you feel afraid of losing someone, or of coping with death, I would really recommend reading about it--reading about different spiritual approaches to it (if you haven't one now that you are comfortable with) and while ultimately it's going to be a "hit the ground running" thing, at least you can work on setting a strong foundation. I think it has helped me, and I see others struggling with losses that are compounded from having been in denial that death could even touch them. So while there's nothing you can do to directly prepare, it's good that you're thinking about it and talking about it. Some people don't, and there is just a lot of silent fear that eats away at them.

Whackamole--I was really touched by your story.

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Old 02-27-2002, 02:14 AM   #3
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I Feel I Have Been Sheltered...

when it comes to certain things, like death.

My mom turned 50 on Sunday as some of you may know, and that brought up a lot of feelings I thought would be years from coming up.

I have not had to deal with a lot of death in my life (the most recent passing of someone I loved was 6 years ago, and before that it was when I was 7 years old...all three people were family, but we weren't very close, and because most of my family is getting up there in years, I am afraid of it happening all at once. And that scares the shit out of me.

I know there is no good way to prepare for this, but maybe there's a way to cope with it that I'm not sure of yet. Guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.
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Old 02-27-2002, 02:41 AM   #4
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my most recent experience was my grandfather about 2-3 years ago..he had suffered a form of skin cancer since his duty in Burma during the second world war..it slowly wore him down as the years passed on and he passed quietly away during an evening

..I've always been a bit like you..I find it very hard to cope with death..and for that reason I avoided the funeral and wanted to remember him the way I wanted to..and to remember what a full life he led, those he influenced without seeing it as passing away..I really think thats the key to dealing with it..you just have to make as much of the time you have with these people you love and care for..whatever time that is.. and although it sounds very hard really shut it out as best you can and never be regretful for missed time..
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Old 02-27-2002, 02:43 AM   #5
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Well I don't know if there ever is any way of coping really. You deal with it that's for sure.

My mom passed away going on 6 years now. You never think of these things - you always say to yourself oh that'll never happen to my family.

My grandmother passed away quite suddenly - that was a long time ago but it still makes me angry.

She was so vibrant and full of life. She got into a real health kick and some nutty doctor got her taking supplements. Well before we knew what was happening she was in the hospital and then she was gone. Health care professionals are supposed to help right? Well some are in it for the almight dollar I guess.

My mom well that's another story. She was also very young. Not yet 60. She got a sore on her tongue but was afraid to tell anyone - she had a real fear for what it was. Well what it was was the start of a larger cancer that pretty much took her away. First lost her tongue, couldn't speak or eat, but she battled through it.....you know the most surprising thing to come out of it..my father's resilience. He cared for her like I've never seen anyone do. Then she got really sick and he had to make a choice and his choice was to let her go...and she went...sorry I didn't mean to get off topic.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can avoid it and you can ignore it, but it's always there. You never know when it'll happen, if it'll happen, you can't cope because you really can't fathon how it's going to be until it is upon you.

So the most important thing is enjoy what you have now - let the little things pass because they really are insignificant. Know that if and when it does happen, that you have family around you to help you through it. And you will.

For me it's on a more personal level than you've had to deal with but I like you don't like to address it - it's like if I don't think about it it won't happen.

Thank heavens for family.
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Old 02-27-2002, 07:18 AM   #6
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I see I found myself getting introspective about my experience. It kind of brings it back to the forefront in a nice sort of way if you can understand.

joyfulgirl, it sounds like it hits close to home doesn't it. I found myself going back and reading my dad's journal about the events that occured. My Dad loves to write and had published his own novels as well. At any rate if you are interested he has a journal entitled Jacqueline on his website. It basically is a synopsis of what happened and helped him work through it.

Not trying to be morbid, but I found myself reading it again, had myself a tear or two and maybe in some sort of way it might give someone a piece of mind to see that if in the worst time, courage and faith can be as strong as ever.

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Old 02-27-2002, 08:20 AM   #7
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I wanted to say something here.
I know about it but I'm at a point where there's nothing I can say.
If you lose someone you will think about it a lot then. Don't think about it now while you have your loved ones.
20 months for me and I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
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Old 02-27-2002, 10:07 AM   #8
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I was just going to say what Amanda said: deal with it when the time comes and live every moment you have with them to the fullest so you have no regrets. It's the only way to "prepare" if you want to call it that. Don't let chances slip away because you never know when you won't get another chance. And don't obsess over the inevitable..
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Old 02-27-2002, 10:17 AM   #9
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I think about it sometimes.. about losing my parents. Its an awful feeling but yeah I try not to think about it now. They're in their 50s but they are both healthy and hopefully should live a long time.

Recently I had to deal with my godfathers death.. really the first death in the family that was really close to me. Its hard but but you have to be strong for the other memebers of the family.

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