I feel guilty about lots of things

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Laura M

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Jun 6, 2002
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Lately I feel guilty about almost everything even if it's over something really silly like while playing a game of Monopoly I felt bad that I had lots of houses on the most expensive streets and cleaned my brothers bank account out and had to take all his houses and money.

I have been sick for a few weeks but now feel much better. I felt a little down and still have the prospect of going to the hospital which doesn't help much. I also have a few personal problems which don't really help much in terms of stress.

I have no interest in Christmas this year, I don't think anyone at home is either, we haven't bothered putting up a tree and nobody has even mentioned taking the lights etc down from the attic. After working in retail for 3 Christmas' it really takes the shine off Christmas. People are pushing their way through shops to get some present that will probably be discarded or thrown to the back of a closet. My friends keep talking about buying me presents and I have told them to give any money they would spend on my present to Diabetes Uk or put a gift under a tree in one of the shops that gives gifts to children from poor homes. They don't listen to me and insist that I should really get a present. There's nothing I want and I would prefer that the money spent on a present for me would go somewhere worthwhile instead of some rich blokes back pocket. Last night I was watching a programme about terminally ill children/ young adults. It was really sad. One of the boys knew he was going to die, his older sister died three years ago and one of them died during the filming of it. Another girl had terminal cancer and was dying. It was getting worse and agreed to go to the hospice. She even seen the room where someone would go when they died. She was asking lots of questions and didn't seem to be unnerved by the fact she knew this is the last place she would be once she had died. I felt so bad that all these people were out there making the most of life and being so happy and chirpy I felt guilty about having my selfish moments. I cried throughout that whole show. It was really awful.

I never really cry but lately anything can set me off. Last week my mum was telling me I was the "sweetest, most caring little soul" she knew and I cried the whole way home in the car. My sister is very outgoing, she doesn't let anyone boss her around and she sticks up for herself, I am quite shy and would let people boss me about. My parents think I should be more like her. My sister has a great attitude, although she is quite moody sometimes and I really shy away from confrontation with her. I also feel guilty that she has an illness that, for now anyway, there is no cure for. I keep reading grizzly stories about people getting other diseases that are related to it but she doesn't focus on things like that while it really frightens me. I also can't sleep properly at night because she talks really loudly in her sleep and she jumps around in her bed like it's a trampoline. Every night I get up at least once to see if she is okay. I'm always afraid I'll find her having another fit. We are very very alike but she has lots of confidence in herself. I have no self confidence whatsoever and I think it is the result of being badly bullied in school for 2 years. I have a really great friend and he really looks after me. He tries to tell me people like me and I'm gorgeous and great fun and he is always telling people I go on dates with that I'm like his little sister and he would sort them out if they hurt me. I've never had a friend who has cared so much before and that's really nice. My parents are getting worried I think, they think I'm under too much stress and it is part of the reason I was so ill a few weeks ago. They have made me promise that I will see into seeing a counsellor at university. My Mum was referred to a counsellor after having a car accident in the summer and she is having some problems and is still recovering from some concussion syndrome, my Dad was also referred to one by the doctor from his work. My parents think it has really helped them and that I have lots of unresolved issues. Something else which has been affected while I've been off is my university work. althought I spent about 2 weeks sleeping I could have caught up last week but I didn't. I leave everything to the very last minute and I never procrastinated this much before. I really don't care if I failed my exams this January and I should as they count towards my degree. My Mum is trying to get me to stand infront of a mirror and say something about being great and being me but I can't bring myself to look in the mirror that much, once a day. I guess this was me confessing a lot of things. :shifty:
 
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:hug:

Lara, what you said took some guts and you should be proud of that. It can be hard to talk about things that make you feel insecure or anxious...people are always terrified to show their vunerable sides that everyone else has as well. I know things are tough for you right now...and I'm sorry because from what I've seen here you are a wonderful and articulate individual.

Please take care of yourself. And keep us posted.

:heart: Courage isn't always a bellowing roar, sometimes it can be a quiet "I'll try again tommorow". :heart:
 
Lara, seems like you are going through a lot of difficult things in your life, and I just want you to know that I care. You are a very special person, and I admire you for so many things. You do what feels right for you, and please take care. :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
Guilt eats me up in the night, and always will. :( I'm sorry for you :hug: It's good to have a conscience, some people just don't care.
 
:hug: Lara

I had a similar experience tonight. I was at school cramming for an exam when I realized that one year ago this week one of my best friends ever died. I only knew her for a year and a half (lived side by side when I started college), but she was still a best friend. She had suffered a long time in the hospital. I've had some huge issues with student loans going into the wrong accounts and people at school not being willing to help and when I realized it's been exactly a year since Amanda died, I felt pretty sad and I guess kinda guilty for being so caught up with myself lately. :(
 
:hug:

Well I don't know you personally, but I do know you're one of the sweetest and most kind people around here. Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?
Talking to a counsellor might really help, go for it.

"don't be sad it's gone, be glad it happened" is a quote I saw here that I really like, people do dwell on things&worry to much.
:hug:

I can relate to shyness, and while I have not been bullied :mad: @bullies, I have had people make comments at me about my appearance - which I still worry about now and have trouble accepting compliments.
I *think* I am at the point now where I can say "thank you" without immediately thinking "you don't mean that" or "you're just being nice", though that is still there, in the back of my mind.

As for sleeping, did you try earplugs? They might help you sleep better, and when you wake up during the night to go to the toilet or something, you can still check on your sister.
 
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