I can make everyone happy but....

[Liesje]

...myself. Lately I feel like I've managed to please everyone else in my life, but inside I hate myself and hate where I am. If I mention anything to my parents about how I'm really feeling, they gloss it over or say I'm just a complainer. For example, I've got this huge issue right now with paying for school. Tuition is over $20,000. I'm only 19 years old and am already close to $30,000 in debt (not including whatever interest has accumulated). I apply every summer for student loans and I feel so terrible b/c I always get turned down. I just don't understand it. Isn't the point of getting the loan b/c you CANT pay?!?! I guess my dad (the co-signer) doesn't make enough, or pays too big of house payments each month and everytime I get rejected. By the time I work up enough courage to tell my parents we were rejected again, they say "oh, it'll work out. You'll get scholarships and we'll find another loan." When this happened last summer, I let them find a different loan and they didn't know this, but I am required to make monthly interest payments. So now not only can I not afford tuition, I'm stuck paying for the loan that was supposed to help in the first place. Everything is stuck in a viscious cycle. I almost wish I could just take a year off and pull myself back together, but if I quit school, I loose my job. I can't get another job b/c I have such a great job and since I don't have a car, the only places in walking distance are low paying jobs like at the mall or restaurants. Everyone in my family thinks I'm so great b/c I've got this good job, I live on my own completely independent of my family, I have a nice boyfriend, I do OK in school, but I feel like a total looser. I used to always wake up in the morning and feel neutral, like certain events during the day would make or break the day. Now I wake up and feel hopeless and spend my entire day trying to either entertain myself and ignore those feelings or find something, anything to do that makes me feel better. Most days this does not happen b/c with working over 8 hrs a day, I just sit there in the office and space out. I just got back from a long vacation (my boss had encouraged me to take a vacation) where I thought I could finally sort things out, but instead I sat on the dock for hours each day unable to come up with any solutions and only feeling more and more hopeless. I have no direction; I feel either like a zombie or like I'm running around like a headless chicken. Everyone else has something tangible they're working towards and my biggest goal is to eventually be as far away as possible from where I'm at right now.

 

[Liesje]

wtf? double post

 

[-macphisto-]

Hey, dont worry about it. Say your prayers, always keep a good attitude, and I promise you everything will work out.
And always, no matter what- SMILE

 

[beli]

Counsellor, livluv. Go and see your Uni counsellor. I think you need someone in the flesh to pour all this out to.

 

[Liesje]

You know, I'm probably the last person on earth who anyone would expect to get couselling, and even so, I've thought about it, but why take time off of work when I know in the end they can't help me with what I need help with?

 

[indra]

You know, I'm probably the last person on earth who anyone would expect to get couselling, and even so, I've thought about it, but why take time off of work when I know in the end they can't help me with what I need help with?

Don't be so sure that counseling won't be able to help you. First, a counselor may be able to help you with your stress issues (and you have a lot! The debt you have, holding a job, finding a way to pay for school, and figuring out what exactly you want to do -- that's a lot to handle. Second, a counselor may be able to direct you to find financial aid which may work well for you.

There should be loans and perhaps even scholarships that may be able to help you. I've listed a few sites below that may help you to find financial aid (it's been a long time since I was last in college, so I'm kind of rusty about this stuff!).

US Department of Education site

Nellie Mae

Educaid

Finaid

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

You are not a loser

Comparing yourself to others is the worst vicious cycle anyone can be caught in, in my opinion. You are young and have so much to look forward to. Just going by what I see you post on here, you have so much going for you.

Things will get better I'm sure Maybe talking to a professional would help

 

[Salome]

I do think lack of money turns into a vicious circle

but you need to find some way to make sure that your self esteem doesn't suffer in the process

maybe talking to a counsellor will help
it won't give you any solutions but it might show you some options you haven't tought about

 

[nbcrusader]

It is quite amazing what you have accomplished so far! Too many take the easy road, yet you are independent and have the caring heart to bring joy to others.

I will be praying for you and this situation. God sometimes makes the solution difficult to see so that we know it is Him when it comes through.

 

[martha]

my biggest goal is to eventually be as far away as possible from where I'm at right now.

Then do it. Now. You're only 19. You don't have to live up to what everyone else thinks of you. So what if everyone else thinks your job is great. You don't, and that's what matters.


I'm going to give some insane advice, but I want you to think about it.


QUIT SCHOOL for now. Take some time for yourself. Find out who you are, not who everyone else thinks you are. You're miserable, in debt up to your eyeballs already, and burnt out. You've shown that you can live on your own, so go somewhere different and live there for a while. It may be scary, but the situation you're in now is scarier. You can't continue like you are, so make a change for yourself.

Give it some thought.

 

[Liesje]

Re: Re: I can make everyone happy but....

I'm going to give some insane advice, but I want you to think about it.

QUIT SCHOOL for now. Take some time for yourself. Find out who you are, not who everyone else thinks you are. You're miserable, in debt up to your eyeballs already, and burnt out. You've shown that you can live on your own, so go somewhere different and live there for a while. It may be scary, but the situation you're in now is scarier. You can't continue like you are, so make a change for yourself.

Give it some thought.

It's not insane Martha I have thought about it, but I just can't think of how to make it work. If I quit school, I not only loose my job (which pays me REALLY good and I love my boss and co-workers), but I also have to start re-paying 6 loans I've got from the past two years (you start re-payment once you're not a full time student). If I have no income, I can't pay loans and I can't afford rent. I could move, but I still have 8 months on a lease and I have a cat (not too many places like teenage tennants with cats). I then considered being a part time student, but I still am required 8 credits to keep my job, and by taking anything below 12, I loose all financial aid (which I get a lot of). Also, if I quit school, I can't go to Africa. I'm not even thinking about Africa b/c I don't care if I'm in debt for the rest of my life, I'm GOING with that program, there's just no way I can let that opportunity slip by.

No option seems any more helpful than the next. Maybe I'm missing something though. I'm trying to work it out and not get depressed, but whenever I get excited about a possibility, it turns out it would never work.

 

[Mullen-Girl]

I know what that's like girl...I had trouble getting loans as well...i'd always end up getting like an emergency loan from the school to pay (of course my tuition was not as high as yours). Made me really depressed...I started out school great...was in a freshman honour society...but as the semesters went by my grades started dropping until finally I quit school. and i'm glad I did. I was sooooooooo suicidal. I mean daily i'd think about it and stuff. Horrible.

As soon as i quit school we moved to Ireland and was never happier. Now that i've had time off from school...I know i'm ready to go back because I know I can afford it and i'm really serious about it.

 

[martha]

Re: Re: Re: I can make everyone happy but....

but I also have to start re-paying 6 loans I've got from the past two years (you start re-payment once you're not a full time student).

If these are federal loans, look into deferments. I'm not sure if they still do that, but I had an opportunity to defer repayment on my loans due to low income.

I'm glad you're thinking of all your options. Keep thinking creatively, but focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't. Maybe getting through this year of school is what you can do; after that you can explore other options.

You're smart and strong. And somewhat stubborn. These things will be what saves you!

 

[Liesje]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I can make everyone happy but....

If these are federal loans, look into deferments. I'm not sure if they still do that, but I had an opportunity to defer repayment on my loans due to low income.

4 of the 6 are (about $18,000 worth). Actually, if you include the ones for this upcoming year, that makes 6 federal loans thus far. I think deferment is an option b/c I remember seeing that on some websites.

 

[verte76]

God sometimes makes the solution difficult to see so that we know it is Him when it comes through.

Exactly. I'm going through a similar experience. I'm under alot of stress right now due to illnesses in the family, including an impending death, but I'll be OK in the end, and I'll know why. LivLuv, you strike me as a really strong person, and you're in an unbelievably stressful situation right now. It might help if you just talked to someone about the stress. It might help just to blow off some of the steam.

 

[Liesje]

Well, I met with the loan counsellor on Thursday morning. After a long talk with her and a longer talk with my mom, we've decided that unless we can clear up the reason why CitiAssist is denying my dad as a co-signer, I can't get an alternative loan this year. Ironic as it sounds, I can't afford another loan b/c I just can't afford rent, utilities, food, clothes, books, and a THIRD monthly interest payment. The only other loan whose terms I can meet has a fixed interest rate of 6.93% which I'm not too keen on (especially since I can't apply for January term financial grants until Sept, so even if I do get grants and can pay back part of that loan right away, there's still that high fixed interest). My mom thinks she can help me out with the first tuition bill (my dad just got a company car so they're not making as big of a car payment each month anymore). The January term which I'm taking in Africa we'll just have to worry about later or beg my richest relative for a loan of $3300. I have $0.16 in my bank account and haven't bought groceries in a month. I'll be getting very used to Ramen and pancakes......

On the more positive side, there's a chance I've got another job with 10-15 more hours a week. So I can do my current job for 20 hrs a week and tack on another 10-15 of nighttime hrs with the new job. That would be nice.....except for the whole being a full-time student and working 35 hrs a week

 

[Angela Harlem]

 

[oliveu2cm]

What a tough situation LivLuv. Nothing can be more frustrating when you have such good intentions, high goals and are trying so hard to achieve them, but have other seemingly unsurmountable obstacles. It's GROSS how much an education costs in the US these days!!!

My only suggestion (although I'm sure you considered this) is to switch schools? Maybe a state school would be a lot cheaper? It sounds like your job might be at your university, however, which means you'd forfeit that job too (but who knows the state school might have an amazing job waiting for you there).

Try not to be too hard on yourself... financial troubles can make everything seem so bleak. I really hope something works out for you soon.

 

[stammer476]

My only suggestion (although I'm sure you considered this) is to switch schools? Maybe a state school would be a lot cheaper?

If this is the route you're wanting to go, let me know. I know of many schools that are much cheaper and still offer the programs you are looking for.

Keep the faith, LivLuv. God's got you in his hands. You're in my prayers.

 

[Liesje]

Switching would be so hard. Not really b/c I like my school and the program, but everything else revolves around school. I moved a few blocks from campus so I can walk everywhere, I work full time on campus, etc. There's nowhere else in GR that I'd want to do to b/c the state schools here aren't any good. Even if I took some classes there, a lot of their credits don't transfer to my school. The school I go to is always on the list of best colleges in the us (I'm not paying $25,000 for nothing!). Anyway, switching is always an option, but I'd have to move again. Even the crappy local state colleges are downtown (way too far to walk or bike). Also, I'd lose my job (yes, it's affiliated with my college) and my insurance and wouldn't go to Africa. I even thought about moving out of state and switching schools, but it really doesn't solve anything b/c I still have the $30,000 debt and still have to pay for more tuition.

My mom called me at work this morning and told me Alticor gave me a $1000 scholarship as of Friday.

 

[fah]

I too can remember the financial burden of college.

Congrats on the scholarship Don't stop looking and applying for scholarships/bursaries.

Things will work out