I am weird with regards to my feelings about relationships...

[namkcuR]

I'm a 21 year old male virgin. I've only ever had one girlfriend; that was 2 years ago, it was long distance, and it didn't work out. I'm over that.

I finished a two year program at my community college and am in the middle of a year off before going to a four year college. There is almost a 100% chance my major will change. I am currently unemployed.

Long story short, at this point in life, I really don't want to be in a relationship. I mean, sure I'd like to have that companionship and everything, but the fact is that, like most things in life, it's more complicated than that. The fact is that relationships are about sharing your life with somebody else. My life is hardly one worth sharing right now. I spend most of my time at home, chilling. I'm not currently going to school and I am not currently employed. I have big decisions to make in the next year and - while this may sound cold - I don't want to have this other person to think about while making those decisions. I don't want to have take somebody else's feelings into consideration while making these decisions when I hardly even know what my own feelings are. It's not fair to ask anyone to be in a relationship with me when I really have no idea where I'm going in life yet. It's like asking someone to get on an oceanliner with no clue as to its destination.

And even if I did have a more stable life to share, I don't know that I would yet. I just don't feel like I want to commit to anyone at this point yet. Just the opposite - I want to be utterly uncommited at this point in time. I don't believe in the idea of actively looking for love either. People who go on a million dates a year looking for Mr./Ms. Right annoy me. I believe in letting love find me/you. You happen to meet some at school or at work or wherever. Maybe I'm being totally idealistic and naive(I'm 21, I have a right to be ), but I believe in that saying...love will find you when you least expect it. Now, I realize that not all relationships have to be serious or long-term, but I really am not the type to do casual relationships. I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of casual romantic relationships. Casual relationships are usually a catalyst for casual sex and that is something I really am not comfortable with.

Don't misinterpret that - I am not religious AT ALL. I've never 'done the deed', but whether I'm married or not when I do doesn't really matter to me at all. What matters to me is that I'm doing it with a person that I am commited to and that I feel is equally commited to me. I am a believer that the experience of physical love will be that much better if the two people really love and are commited to each other. And I really would never want to use a girl for sex...even if she would be completely aware that it would be a casual one-off/two-off kind of thing.

I loathe the idea of formal dating anyway, let alone formally dating someone in what will never be more than a casual relationship. I feel like if I have to take my partner to fancy restaurant in order for her to enjoy being with me, it's a doomed relationship anyway. And going to the movies on first/second dates seems counterproductive; What are you going to learn about each other while you sit in silence watching a movie in a dark theater? I will always, ALWAYS, be the type to prefer laying on a couch at home(mine or hers) and watching a movie on TV with a bowl of microwave popcorn. There is much more to learn about each other when you have the freedom to talk, move around, dress the way you normally dress, etc. Much less pressure involved.

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. The point is, I don't want a serious relationship now or any time close to now. It could be two or three years, maybe more, before I feel like being in a relationship. I don't know how long it will be. And since I don't really want any casual relationships either, it could be a while before I'm ever in ANY relationship. And I'm ok with that. But the thing that makes me a little uneasy is this: What if, let's say in three years I'm ready to be in a relationship, I meet the right person, we're commited to each other...would a 24 year old woman care if her parter is a (by then)24 year old virgin who has never even come close to it before? I know I'm probably worried about nothing.

Sorry this was so long-winded...I just needed to paint a clear picture for you before asking these questions:

The question I asked in the last paragraph.

Are my views on love and relationships and sex just too idealistic? Don't sugarcoat it.

Is it normal to have this combination of A.Being unintereseted in casual relationships and B.Not wanting to be in any serious relationship yet?

I just needed to get that all out.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Hey mate we all need to vent every now and again!

All the points you've made in your post are completely valid, for you. Only you will know when you are ready to move on and do stuff, and noone else will be able to change that about you. There is no need to look at your age and then at others around you and feel you don't measure up or don't follow the "norms" or what's expected of you. Sure, you may feel you aren't fitting in with what your friends, family, community etc think you should do but then, again, who is living your life - you or them?

What is "normal" anyway?

Best of luck with whatever you wish to do

 

[For Honor]

Long story short, at this point in life, I really don't want to be in a relationship. I mean, sure I'd like to have that companionship and everything, but the fact is that, like most things in life, it's more complicated than that. The fact is that relationships are about sharing your life with somebody else. My life is hardly one worth sharing right now. I spend most of my time at home, chilling. I'm not currently going to school and I am not currently employed. I have big decisions to make in the next year and - while this may sound cold - I don't want to have this other person to think about while making those decisions. I don't want to have take somebody else's feelings into consideration while making these decisions when I hardly even know what my own feelings are. It's not fair to ask anyone to be in a relationship with me when I really have no idea where I'm going in life yet. It's like asking someone to get on an oceanliner with no clue as to its destination.........

Since you've already stated your thoughts and philosophies about things, I wouldn't concern yourself with what other people think. What I mean is - if you've made up your mind about it, then that's that. There is no write or wrong, it's just who you are and what you are/want to do.

Are my views on love and relationships and sex just too idealistic? Don't sugarcoat it.

Is it normal to have this combination of A.Being unintereseted in casual relationships and B.Not wanting to be in any serious relationship yet?

I do not feel your views are absurd, as for the first question

As for A& B...

I do not see anything wrong with that. Just own your decisions, and accept them.

 

[girlhappy]

I'm a 21 year old male virgin. I've only ever had one girlfriend; that was 2 years ago, it was long distance, and it didn't work out. I'm over that.

I finished a two year program at my community college and am in the middle of a year off before going to a four year college. There is almost a 100% chance my major will change. I am currently unemployed.

Long story short, at this point in life, I really don't want to be in a relationship. I mean, sure I'd like to have that companionship and everything, but the fact is that, like most things in life, it's more complicated than that. The fact is that relationships are about sharing your life with somebody else. My life is hardly one worth sharing right now. I spend most of my time at home, chilling. I'm not currently going to school and I am not currently employed. I have big decisions to make in the next year and - while this may sound cold - I don't want to have this other person to think about while making those decisions. I don't want to have take somebody else's feelings into consideration while making these decisions when I hardly even know what my own feelings are. It's not fair to ask anyone to be in a relationship with me when I really have no idea where I'm going in life yet. It's like asking someone to get on an oceanliner with no clue as to its destination.

 

[namkcuR]

Re: Re: I am weird with regards to my feelings about relationships...

What does that mean? Why the shocked smiley right next to a thumbs up smiley?

 

[carrieluvv]

your on an OCEANLINER!!!!!!!!!
she wants to go with yas!!!!!
I think i hear a shuffleboard game goin on ! or tango lessons

 

[Carek1230]

Me thinks girlhappy likes what she read and is interested. Maybe you two should hook up! Maybe this will be yet another match made in Interference-land!

To respond to your post, namkcuR, I respect the fact you have established values and I hope that you stick by them. Nothing wrong with that and you should NOT be concerned with what anyone else might think about YOUR values. It seems too many people these days hook up too quickly for selfish or physical satisfaction and even if a relationship developes, the percentage of such relationships working out grow more and more sad and negative. Such a shame. Have patience and stick by your wishes and values and one day you will find that special someone. Good luck!

 

[For Honor]

.........

I agree with Carek's last sentence

 

[girlhappy]

yea. i like what i read I just wanted to point out the similarity of his andmy life. Including the shocking part

 

[lady luck]

would a 24 year old woman care if her parter is a (by then)24 year old virgin who has never even come close to it before? I know I'm probably worried about nothing.

I read and read your post and question and I think I am close to understand your point.
You say you don't want either a serious relation or a occasional relation for now. That's what you think.
But I am sure that if a girl crosses your way and makes your heart losing a beat you will forget what you thought. If, for some reasons, you really get into someone, I hope you won't let her go.

I have the feeling you're living in your head too much.
Be sure not to lose the contact with reality.

AS regards the reaction that your future girlfriend will have knowing you're a virgin... Well, I think she will understand it was a choice you made, because you give to sex and relationship a deep meaning. I can't tell you if she'll be happy or not with that, but if she cares for you as a girlfirend is supposed to do, she will understand and respect your choice.

 

[mickey]

are you too idealistic?
Perhaps, but aren't we all? Isn't everybody living a reality they've chosen for themselves? Aren't we societally conditioned to believe and question a set of norms that sometimes don't work very well for us? Don't we all infact make a choice what we favor and what we spit out? You're holding on to principles namkcuR - in a world of 6+ billion, you are certainly not alone in this relentless questioning.

There is one, and only one reason to change anything - if your chosen principles are not working very well for you. If you've come across a circumstance, person or thinking that have challanged your tenets and have remained uncontested.

Have you?
You have the sound of somebody who has been challenged to examine some of these maxims. If they don't hold up, and they will not if they've lost their practicality, then fret not namckuR, for in this life we are all acrobats. Some of us prefer having a safety net, others dont, but invariably, it is always about us, and what gives us pleasure.