~LadyLemon~
I Serve Larry's Stick
Warning--I'm actually being serious for once and this might be a doozy.
I am not looking for pity here, just some insight on what I've been going through. I don't normally air my laundry in public like this, but it does help to get things out occassionally.
From the age of 7 to 18, I lived with a man who verbally abused me almost daily. It was my mother's boyfriend. During the day he could be a nice guy, we'd hang out and watch sports, or he would always be complimenting me on my writing. But at night when he was drunk (which was pretty much every night) he would rip me to pieces. Both of us being stubborn people who believe that we are always right and love to argue, we fought constantly. And at night he would make me feel like a piece of shit, and make me feel useless. In fact, in one of the last arguments I heard between my mom and him, he was screaming at my mom about me saying right out that I was worthless.
I've dealt with this in a number of ways. In fact when looking at my school photos, you can see the effects of this. I go from being a skinny kid in 2nd grade, to a fat one by 4th. I wasn't huge, but still I was made fun of by everyone, especially during junior high. Those were possibly the hardest years of my life, where at times I thought of ending my own life. But I didn't in the basis that I didn't want to hurt my family.
Finally I came to grips with my eating when I was 15 and lost the weight. But I still struggle with emotional eating on a daily basis. If I'm upset, depressed, angry, you name it, I still seek comfort in food.
I feel as a result of this I am always on the defensive with people. I keep my guard up, and this has been hard for me when dealing with romantic relationships. I tend to run or avoid someone when I know they like me, just to avoid being potentially hurt by them later.
I'm also a pessimist--I don't think I was always this way when I younger. I would like to think that I wasn't always so bitter. I have low self-esteem and tend not to think highly of myself, although I know I should. There's just this nagging voice in my head that never goes away, that tells me that I will never amount to much.
I did see a therapist about all this last spring, and although she helped me a bit, it seems that I will never escape from all this.
I feel that I've become a stronger person from all this, but still, the negatives of the situation obviously outweigh everything else.
As I said in the subject line, how long can one base their life around such happenings?
When does it just become a lame excuse for me to use, when I should just get some balls and
overcome all these feelings of self-doubt?
Again, sorry for this being lengthy and I appreciate an insight anyone can give me.
------------------
Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself
[This message has been edited by ~LadyLemon~ (edited 04-08-2002).]
I am not looking for pity here, just some insight on what I've been going through. I don't normally air my laundry in public like this, but it does help to get things out occassionally.
From the age of 7 to 18, I lived with a man who verbally abused me almost daily. It was my mother's boyfriend. During the day he could be a nice guy, we'd hang out and watch sports, or he would always be complimenting me on my writing. But at night when he was drunk (which was pretty much every night) he would rip me to pieces. Both of us being stubborn people who believe that we are always right and love to argue, we fought constantly. And at night he would make me feel like a piece of shit, and make me feel useless. In fact, in one of the last arguments I heard between my mom and him, he was screaming at my mom about me saying right out that I was worthless.
I've dealt with this in a number of ways. In fact when looking at my school photos, you can see the effects of this. I go from being a skinny kid in 2nd grade, to a fat one by 4th. I wasn't huge, but still I was made fun of by everyone, especially during junior high. Those were possibly the hardest years of my life, where at times I thought of ending my own life. But I didn't in the basis that I didn't want to hurt my family.
Finally I came to grips with my eating when I was 15 and lost the weight. But I still struggle with emotional eating on a daily basis. If I'm upset, depressed, angry, you name it, I still seek comfort in food.
I feel as a result of this I am always on the defensive with people. I keep my guard up, and this has been hard for me when dealing with romantic relationships. I tend to run or avoid someone when I know they like me, just to avoid being potentially hurt by them later.
I'm also a pessimist--I don't think I was always this way when I younger. I would like to think that I wasn't always so bitter. I have low self-esteem and tend not to think highly of myself, although I know I should. There's just this nagging voice in my head that never goes away, that tells me that I will never amount to much.
I did see a therapist about all this last spring, and although she helped me a bit, it seems that I will never escape from all this.
I feel that I've become a stronger person from all this, but still, the negatives of the situation obviously outweigh everything else.
As I said in the subject line, how long can one base their life around such happenings?
When does it just become a lame excuse for me to use, when I should just get some balls and
overcome all these feelings of self-doubt?
Again, sorry for this being lengthy and I appreciate an insight anyone can give me.
------------------
Just as you find me
Always I will be
A little bit too free
With myself
[This message has been edited by ~LadyLemon~ (edited 04-08-2002).]
