How do you not invite someone to your wedding?

[meegannie]

So I'm getting married on (most likely) September 4th. Sam and I told his parents over Easter that we're getting married and I called my parents and told them. We don't have any money (I have no idea when I'll have a job and Sam will be doing an MA next year), neither of us is religious, and we both hate being the center of attention, we're just getting married in a small civil ceremony, probably just at the register's office, and then having a party the next day for family and friends.

Since we're not having a big wedding, I told my parents they can come if they want to, but not to make a big deal about it because flights are expensive at the beginning of September and they can come for a longer period of time when Sam and I have our own flat. I was getting depressed the other night thinking about how I won't have anyone here for the wedding or party since I know no one is going to fly to England just to see me get married, and at the party, I'll be surrounded by Sam's friends and family (not that that's a bad thing by any means, but I would like to have at least one friend of my own there) and have no one to talk to apart from Sam....I guess it's sort of a case of being careful what I wish for because the next day I got a voicemail from my mom saying that she's decided she's coming.

It's not that I don't want her there, but she has a habit of inviting her boyfriend-/husband-of-the-moment everywhere with her. In the past, this has obviously been very uncomfortable for me since I only see my mom a couple of times a year (if that) and I never get any time alone with her unless she doesn't have a boyfriend. I'm really tense and nervous around strangers, and my relationship with my mom is often strained anyway, so it's not a good situation to be stuck in for a very long period of time.

Anyway, when I've spoken to her about coming to visit England, she always says 'we' everything, so I know she wants her boyfriend to come with her. I've never met him, and I really don't want anyone more than Sam's parents, brother, nan, my parents, and Jenn (if she doesn't go to Glastonbury!) at the ceremony (besides, I doubt anyone else could fit in the office!). The party doesn't matter as much, but since it doesn't look like Jenn will be coming, I won't have anyone there, and having someone who doesn't know me OR Sam there is just weird to me . She didn't say on the voicemail whether or not it would be just her or both of them, and I can't call her because I don't have a landline, so I have to email her about the dates and her plans.

I feel really bad and bitchy about it, but I will be stressed enough with my dissertation, the wedding, visa application, job-hunting, and moving that I don't want one more thing to worry about. Also, if my dad and stepmom decide to come, my dad and mom don't get along, so I'll have to do the whole choosing which parent to talk to at that particular moment thing which is a nightmare...adding another pseudo-relative (one I don't even know) to the mix is terrifying.

How do I subtly find out whether or not she's planning to bring her boyfriend, and if she is, how I do tell her I don't want him there in the nicest way possible?

 

[joyfulgirl]

First of all, congratulations!! That's how I'd do it, too--just a civil service, no hoopla, party later.

As for the dilemma, I wouldn't wait to find out if she's bringing him. I would probably just be very direct and say we only want friends and family and people we know to be there and maybe go on to tell her just what you said here, about how you never get to spend any time with her when she has a companion with her. You could soften it with something like "of course I'm always happy when you're with someone who makes you happy but just this once, could you come alone because I never get to see you and I want to spend time with just you." Something like that.

As I've gotten older, I have come to appreciate being direct with people and having them be direct with me. It really keeps things clear.

meggie

 

[Angela Harlem]

first off congrats to you and sam meggie this is wonderful news!
like joyful said, being direct doesn't have to mean being 'mean'. saying something along what she said really has little sting, and hopefully your mum won't take it as so. but i dont know your situation even though it does sound like a good angle to take it from.
also meggie, weddings are stressful no matter how you do it. it will be impossible for you to go through the day without having that feeling your stomach is in severe knots at least once. it will most like be a very emotional and nerve wracking day anyway. that said, they only last a couple of hours. you will be married for the rest of your life so comparitively it isn't going to be something that lasts more than the ceremony itself. if your mum does bring her new partner, is it something that will bother you for a long while to come? obviously it is one of the most important days of your life and you want it to be as close to how you want, so if it is worthwhile for you to do it this way, then dont question yourself. it is your wedding and you really dont need any more stress than you might already have. maybe when you talk to her, say something like you definitely want this as small as possible and then ease into the idea that there might be people in general you dont really know so she doesn't take this personally or the wrong way and say to her 'mum is this selfish of me to keep it strictly to people i know like you, sam's parents and [random other individual's names]?' keep his name clearly out of the list and see how she takes that. if it is too subtle, then perhaps talk about the cost and then suggest even her partner is a cause for more money to be spent by them than you would like and see how that goes?

 

[bonosloveslave]

Put yourself in her shoes though - she won't know anyone either if she comes by herself and would likely be uncomfortable all alone (you won't be available the whole time). Is there someone else you would like to come that you might get to travel with her? I know it's hard because of the expenses involved, but could you put it, "Mom, I was really hoping that just you and Cousin Sarah would be able to come, that would be the best wedding gift I could have" [/sappiness-borderlinelying]

Sorry, it is a tough position you're in, but it is YOUR wedding - I would just offer an alternative to the boyfriend

 

[U2girl]

Congrats!

It's a tough decision: on one hand, you could go with plan A) and assume the attitude that you can deal with your mum's boyfriend for a day - after all, how much contact will you REALLY have with him since it's your wedding?
or plan B) it is YOUR wedding so technically you and Sam should have at least some say who comes to the wedding. If nothing else, you need to know the names of all the guests for all the party planning.

Ask your mum what she meant by "we" (maybe she was talking about one of your relatives and not her boyfriend) and (if she was talking about the boyfriend) say you wish she'd do you a favor and come alone, because you'd like to spend time with her.
That's polite - I'm not sure how she'd take something like "it will be awkward/embarassing if you bring him" or "it's more expensive if he comes along", that might be offensive to her feelings.

 

[beli]

My Mum bought her crappy current at the time boyfriend to my wedding. I just went about my business. He decided that we needed wine lists and made some and put them all on the wedding tables and everyone thought I did them. And they were disgusting.

After the wedding, I had him edited out of the video

 

[Mullen-Girl]

Congrats girlie

Yeah that's a tough situation but I'd do what they say....just ask her if he's coming because your wedding day is a very important day even if it's not huge but you don't need to be uncomfortable on your day. I'd try talking to your mom about it.

 

[meegannie]

Put yourself in her shoes though - she won't know anyone either if she comes by herself and would likely be uncomfortable all alone (you won't be available the whole time). Is there someone else you would like to come that you might get to travel with her? I know it's hard because of the expenses involved, but could you put it, "Mom, I was really hoping that just you and Cousin Sarah would be able to come, that would be the best wedding gift I could have" [/sappiness-borderlinelying]

Sorry, it is a tough position you're in, but it is YOUR wedding - I would just offer an alternative to the boyfriend

Not knowing anyone isn't a problem AT ALL for my mom. She LOVES talking to people she doesn't know...anyone and everyone. She came to visit me in DC for four days a year and a half ago (after she'd just just moved out of her ex-fiance's house, so she was sans boyfiend) and afterwards was apparently getting phone calls, letters, and gifts from all kinds of random people she'd met in my apartment building and just doing touristy things in DC while I was at work. We spend hours in stores because she strikes up conversations with other shoppers, clerks, security guards, etc. and tells them her entire life story and gives them her phone number. She doesn't understand that I'm not the same way and am very reserved around people I don't know well.

As for bringing someone else, she doesn't talk to her family, so I don't know any of my relatives on that side. Also, she will probably stay at Sam's parents' house and I don't want to be put in a situation where I ask them if she can bring along someone else because I hate feeling like I'm imposing on people.

I think I'll probably go with the joyfulgirl/Angie approach and try being subtle at first, and if that doesn't work, being more direct.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Ahhhhhh, the social butterfly

Well then, if you think she'd occupy herself and be ok, then I'd just be honest, ASAP - if she doesn't get the hint and goes ahead and buys 2 tickets, that will be a huge headache...

 

[nbcrusader]

if she doesn't get the hint and goes ahead and buys 2 tickets, that will be a huge headache...

This is the problem with the subtle approach.

If this is a real concern for YOUR day - get the issue out in the open and deal with it directly. It may be hard at first, but you will be happier in the long run.

 

[fah]

Congratulations

There is lots of good advice here. You have to tell your mother what you want and you owe her an explanation. Practise saying it before you say it. Be prepared for all sorts of feelings and emotions but stand firm.

This is your day - enjoy it. Mr fah and I have fond memories of our wedding day because we did it our way.

 

[cass]

Congrats to the happy couple.Meggie and Sam
it seems weddings and family dilemmas go hand in hand. What a shame eh?
but main thing is , the day belongs to you and Sam. For that moment you are the only couple in the universe as your vow of eternal love is exchanged. Awww it's such a special thing
I was married at a registry office, I only invited my best school friend to be witness...but my parents and sister turned up anyway. You just have to go with the flow. Certainly, very firmly, express your feelings and wishes...but in my experience, no one listens. Just try not to worry.
You said you don't have phone/landline conatact with your mom. Can't you get a phonecard and use a public phone? or something? A direct conversation, as soon as possible, might help.
main thing is
you'd be a spring bride here in September.Wishing you a Beautiful Day. Try not to worry.It is my 23rd wedding anniversary this July. It honestly still feels like only last week we were married.

 

[meegannie]

We've just pushed the wedding forward THREE weeks to August 13. Friday the 13th.

 

[Angela Harlem]

this is so exciting meggie

 

[bammo2]

Yay for Meggie and Sam

 

[wolfeden]

hey congrats

when we got married in '97 it was similar, there were exactly 6 people at the ceremony and we let our folks have a party the next day.

I outright did not invite a cousin who has always been problematic for me, either by her own behavior or her family's (my father's sister)insistence in making HER the centre and spotlight of EVERY family occasion, from baptisms to weddings to funerals ( ).

It is your day; "don't let it get away" indeed.

might something like this work?

"Mom, it would mean a lot to me if you came by yourself so I could spend time just with you. I miss you over here."

 

[jkayet]

You have me looking for fun dresses for you now!!