How Do You Cheer Up A Friend?

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I've usually been pretty good at consolling my friends, but one of my closest friends is nearly impossible to cheer up. He gets in these moods often, and part of it is probably because he doesn't get along with his parents. He's been stressed out lately, and when I talked to him online today, I tried to cheer him up, but I don't think it really helped. My mom thinks he just wants attention from people, but either way, I hate seeing him like this.

How do you guys cheer up your friends when they're upset?

 

[BonosBaby12]

I listen to them if they want to talk about what is upsetting them. Once they start getting it out than typically I will make small jokes. This is to help get their minds off of their problems. Or sometimes I try to steer the conversation to good news or happy memories. All else fails I sing which Im not good at lol. With some people though no matter what you do you aren't able to cheer them up.

 

[Carek1230]

I would think listening if they need to talk. Or bringing them a small something that they like like flowers, candy, a small gift or take them out somewhere that they like to go. I guess it would depend on what's going on with them.


I don't like people who are always down so they can get attention though. That's playing the martyr. That is exhausting and does not good.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I don't like people who are always down so they can get attention though. That's playing the martyr. That is exhausting and does not good.

Yeah I'm guilty of playing that card myself a few times, which isn't good. I kinda hope my friend isn't doing that.

 

[Cabcere]

I don't like people who are always down so they can get attention though. That's playing the martyr. That is exhausting and does not good.

I don't mean to sound snotty here or anything, but I think it's good to make sure you get all the facts before you say that about someone. (I'm not directing this to anyone in particular, just as a general precaution. No offense intended!) As I have mentioned in other threads here, I suffer from chronic clinical depression. I try not to bring other people down by being negative or anything, but sometimes I just can't help the way I feel and become really depressed and withdrawn. Some of my freshman hallmates last year seemed to think that I was just "playing the martyr" or acting depressed to get attention, which wasn't the case at all - I was genuinely depressed and struggling to deal with things, and being accused of "trying to get attention" can really hurt and not help things at all. But I'm going on a rant here...sorry, back to the topic.

Anyway, when my friends are down, I usually try to talk to them about what's wrong, and let them talk about it if they want. If that doesn't work, I usually take them out somewhere and just try to have fun, and maybe they can forget about it for a while at least. I hope things get better for your friend!

 

[girlhappy]

I
As I have mentioned in other threads here, I suffer from chronic clinical depression. I try not to bring other people down by being negative or anything, but sometimes I just can't help the way I feel and become really depressed and withdrawn.

 

[VertigoGal]

This is just my personal experience, but in most cases I think it's best to ask them what's up and let them vent and give them some sympathy. Right or wrong, I think a lot of people (myself included sometimes) just want someone to listen to their problems/rants and tell them it's okay. Of course if it's constantly like that they either should get help or are just seeking attention.

Another little thing I'll do is to write my friend a note or some little drawings relating to inside jokes and fun stuff like that to make him/her smile.

 

[Ralphie]

Serious clinical depression is something to consider in a case like that. Cabcere, do you know if there are any good online resources about recognizing something like this? If that's what it is then he needs more help than his friends can give him. Even if it's not that serious, being under a lot of stress all the time can be a bad thing...any chance of him talking to a counselor?

As far as how you can cheer him up...have you tried saying something nice to him or reminding him of his good qualities? I know that sounds silly but a boost to the old ego usually helps.

 

[youtooellen]

it's pretty hard to cheer someone up, but like Carek has mentioned, some people do it out of the need for attention.

from my own experience, I just ask them if they want to talk. and if they give a shrug or even a yes, that usually means they want to. from there I just sympathize and relate as best as I can and of course lend an extra ear.
but if their response is a no not really, then let them be.

but the reason why I say personal experience is because sometimes my friends get too pushy and pressure me into venting to them, which I hate doing. but I can't help it because I feel that they get a bit frustrated if I don't tell them what's on my mind.

maybe giving your friend time to be alone would be good too. I'm not saying that you're breathing down his neck or anything, it's just that time and space are occasionally good whenever someone is feeling upset.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

As far as how you can cheer him up...have you tried saying something nice to him or reminding him of his good qualities? I know that sounds silly but a boost to the old ego usually helps.

Yeah, I do that a lot. He doesn't really believe me, sometimes.

Today, he told me that his cat's dying of kidney failure, and I feel terrible because he's had that cat for ten years, and I know how terrible I'd feel if something happened to my dogs. It made me feel even worse when he told me that things weren't going to get better because I told him that yesterday, and then this happened.

I don't know, he also later said that I make him happy, but I guess I don't make him happy enough that it lightens up his mood. I just wish I could do something special for him without making it seem really weird.

 

[BluRmGrl]

Offering to listen to your friend's problems is one of the best ways to help him/her feel better, but remember this - sometimes people don't want to be cheered up; they just want a sounding board, someone they can vent and bitch to. They don't want answers, they don't want sympathy -- they just want someone else to fully focus on them & really listen to what they're saying.

The hard part for you is to learn when this is the case and when it isn't. I wish the best for you & your friend.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Offering to listen to your friend's problems is one of the best ways to help him/her feel better, but remember this - sometimes people don't want to be cheered up; they just want a sounding board, someone they can vent and bitch to. They don't want answers, they don't want sympathy -- they just want someone else to fully focus on them & really listen to what they're saying.

The hard part for you is to learn when this is the case and when it isn't. I wish the best for you & your friend.

Yeah, I really want to be supportive of him, but I don't want to waste my breath and lose sleep over it if he's just going to stay like this.

Hmmm...do you guys know any good songs that would show that I care about him? I know he likes music. His favorite band is Muse. I know that it should probably be from my heart if I'm going to send him a song to show that I'm here for him, but maybe your ideas will help me.

 

[susanp6]

How about Everything's not lost by Coldplay? I know it's not Muse, but that song seems to make me feel a lot brighter when i listen to it!

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I was actually just thinking of U2's "Always" since he seems to like them a bit, too. What do you guys think?

I'll probably make a whole CD, now that I think of it. I just found a blank one upstairs. Happiness!

 

[VertigoGal]

making CDs for friends is one of my favorite things to do.

that probably won't "solve" the problem with your friend in particular, but it's generally a cool thing to do, and if he's genuinely just having a rough time right now I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

i remember a year or two ago I was having a hard time and my friend made me a little bag with all these notes and inside jokes and a dvd of a Johnny Depp movie we loved...I still remember it as one of the sweetest things anyone ever did for me.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

i remember a year or two ago I was having a hard time and my friend made me a little bag with all these notes and inside jokes and a dvd of a Johnny Depp movie we loved...I still remember it as one of the sweetest things anyone ever did for me.

Aww that's so cute! I'll have to put something together. I don't think he'd appreciate the Johnny Depp as much as I would, but...

He was telling me about how he was spending time with his cat, tonight, because he think it's the cat's last night. I was sitting at my computer, crying. This probably makes both of us sound really lame, but we love our pets.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Just an update on this topic:

I've been talking to this friend of mine online every night for at least two hours. I feel like I'm not reaching him because he's still really depressed, even though he says I'm helping. He told me a few nights ago how his mom drinks and when she gets drunk, she yells at him and picks fights with him. It hurts him a lot. I don't know how to help him anymore because I feel like I'm saying the same stuff over and over again but it's not reaching him.

He knows I care about him, and I really want to do more for him, but I don't think I can...See, we were going out for a little bit, a few months ago. When he broke it off, it was a really terrible break-up for me. We weren't talking to each other for awhile. But we're great friends again, and I'm scared that if I care too much he'll think I'm trying to get him to break up with his current girlfriend or something. But I'm not...I just really want him to feel better and know that he's cared about.

All of this has been hurting me too. It's like the more he hurts, the more I feel bad. What should I do?

 

[VertigoGal]

umm, I'd say continue what you're doing. If he says it helps then let him vent to you and if he doesn't want to, don't push it. If he's been keeping it a secret (you said he only told you this a few nights ago...) then maybe ranting is what he needs. I don't know what you meaning by "it's not reaching him." you're not gonna be able to magically make him "happy" or whatever, that doesn't mean he doesn't realize you care about him.

so yeah I'm rambling, I don't have very good advice but I hope it works out alright.

 

[UberBeaver]

Lap dance?

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

umm, I'd say continue what you're doing. If he says it helps then let him vent to you and if he doesn't want to, don't push it. If he's been keeping it a secret (you said he only told you this a few nights ago...) then maybe ranting is what he needs. I don't know what you meaning by "it's not reaching him." you're not gonna be able to magically make him "happy" or whatever, that doesn't mean he doesn't realize you care about him.

so yeah I'm rambling, I don't have very good advice but I hope it works out alright.

Yeah, I know it's not going to be like magic, but I was hoping things would get a little better. But thanks for your help!

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Okay, another update on this...

Today, he was talking about something and made an off-hand remark about him cutting himself. I think he thought I wouldn't catch it because he tried to go around talking about it, but I got it out of him. He eventually told me that he does it because of his parents' drinking.

Okay, I'm sure that someone's going to say that he just wants attention, but a different friend of mine used to cut herself, and it took her a long time to tell us about it. That situation was because of her parents' divorce. And he's not the type to do this to himself. I remember a few months ago how he said he would never do something like that and how scared he got when he found out that a friend of his had been going through that.

I'm really at a loss for what to do. When he told me, I couldn't stop crying. I really don't know what to say or anything.

If you don't have any advice for me, that's okay...I just really need somewhere to let all of this out. I love him so much, and it hurts me so much to see him like this. He won't listen to me when I tell him that he's not a failure or anything. I'm just so lost...

 

[VertigoGal]

do you have AIM?

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Sorry, I don't like giving out my screen name.

 

[VertigoGal]

I understand.
It doesn't sound to me like he just wants attention, he obviously has a reason. I wish I could give you good advice.
I guess just keep talking to him, he probably wants to even if he pretends not to.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Yeah, I just sent him a text to let him know that he can call anytime he needs to. I guess that's all I can do...let him know I'm there.

Thanks

 

[love_u2_adam]

maybe if you just sit and talk and tell him how much he means to you and if any thing ever happened you don't know what you would do!!!i know if i got told that someone cared about me...it would make me feel better!!



and of course candy is good

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Haha he doesn't care much for candy. I know, he's strange. But thanks for the advice!

 

[UberBeaver]

Lap dance?

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Lap dance?

Errmm no. Thanks for the idea but...no...

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Agh...I don't know what to do. I couldn't fall asleep until 3 AM last night because all I could think about was him... I'm so scared and I'm so lost...And he's not online so I'm debating on whether or not to call him. Not because I think he's doing something terrible...it's because I need to talk to him about all of this. I won't sleep tonight if I don't talk to him.

I've never felt so helpless.