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Old 06-06-2006, 09:10 AM   #1
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Help with wedding thingy...

OK, Phil's aunt lives in this suhweeeet gazillion dollar condo in Chicago, directly on top of the Randolph St. station, across from that bean thing in the park. She is hosting a wedding shower in August. However, it's a co-ed cocktail party, so to me it sounds more like an engagement party than a wedding shower.

She's asked me to give her my invite addresses. I've asked her a few times who I should invite and she says anyone I want. I've never been to a wedding shower before so I don't know the ettiquete. I'm assuming I invite my parents, grandparents, and bro and sis since they are in the wedding. Beyond that....I dunno. I have friends who are helping with the wedding, but I feel like if I invite them, I should invite my other close friends. But I know my other close friends can't come, and I don't want them to be obligated to give a gift. Same thing with relatives. I have one aunt who is like a second mother and she would probably like to go to Chicago for the weekend, but then are my other aunts offended if I don't invite them? Or are they burdened if I do, knowing they won't come, and feel obligated to buy a present? Not to mention my aunts whom I'm not as close to would probably throw a shower for my part of the family anyway.

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Old 06-06-2006, 09:27 AM   #2
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I found this online,on some site called ultimatewedding.com. My ex SIL's mother invited me to her shower by sending one to my mother and writing "and daughter" on the envelope-that was so hurtful and offensive to me. I didn't go because I was so offended by that.

Who to invite?
Anyone who is invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding, aside from special circumstances such as a destination wedding. Go through the bride's address book discussing friends and relatives whom she may want there. Dont forget to include the groom's family members. Several potential guests may live too far to travel for the shower, however they should be acknowledged with an invitation. They will appreciate the thought.

Invitation and registry etiquette
Similar to wedding invitations, be sure to address one invitation per person, even if they are living in the same household. Send the invitations with appropriate lead-time-about a month in advance of the shower. Enclose directions and a phone number in case people get lost.

Many choose to include the store names in which the bride and groom are registered. If you find this option ill-mannered, you may let the guests know by word-of-mouth. If you are hosting a personal shower for the bride, spread the word about the bride's taste and clothing size.

The guests have arrived!
Though you may know everyone at the shower, some people may know few people, or possibly no one. Be sure to have a �greeter� stand post at the door to say hello to new arrivals. The greeter should tell guests where they can put their coat or belongings, their gift for the bride, and where they can find refreshments. The greeter can also make introductions if the guest is not acquainted with anyone.

Start with an icebreaker.
Select an icebreaking activity, or simply go around the room and have the guess state their name and relationship to the bride. This will initiate conversations and help people get into a festive mood.

The party is over.
Before the guests leave, be sure you have their names, addresses and the gift they brought listed so the bride may write thank you notes within the next week. Thank each guest for coming and be sure they have a safe ride home, especially if alcohol has been served at the shower.
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Old 06-06-2006, 09:29 AM   #3
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Oh wait, you said it was more an engagement party than a shower. Maybe that's online too

Traditionally, it is the bride's parents who claim this honor first, but anyone who wants to throw an engagement party can-including you and your fiance.

If you are going with tradition and the bride's parents are hosting the party, the engagement announcement is generally made during a toast given by the bride's father or her fiance. A toast is the perfect way to officially fill the guests in on the exciting news, especially when the news may be a surprise to them. The groom's father or other friends may also want to join in on the fun and toast the happy couple.

Any type of party is perfectly appropriate for an engagement party-a brunch, luncheon, dinner, or cocktail party. Guests can be invited by phone or written invitation, depending on the time and formality of the event. Be sure to avoid hurt feelings by only inviting guests that you also plan on inviting to the wedding.

Often, engagement parties are surprises, where the guests are invited to a party, but have no idea regarding the engagement. In that case, the invitations should be a general party invitation. If you want guests to know about the engagement beforehand, you can mention it in the body of the invitations.

"Please join us in celebrating the engagement of...."
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Old 06-06-2006, 09:45 AM   #4
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If you inviteout of town guests and it is a cocktail party (ie evening) be sure to reserve rooms for people who will not want to travel back home late at night.
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Old 06-06-2006, 10:01 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by WildHoneyAlways
If you inviteout of town guests and it is a cocktail party (ie evening) be sure to reserve rooms for people who will not want to travel back home late at night.
Yeah that's the other thing. Phil's side of the family is all from Chicago and Wisconsin, so they're fine doing their own thing. I think a few of my friends/housemates would come and make their own weekend of it. My parents go to Chicago once a year and rent the apartment of a woman who only lives in Chicago during the week. There's more friends and close relatives I could invite, but I sincerely doubt any would come.

Here's one: I have an aunt and uncle who I'm pretty close to and we do a lot of stuff with. They are moving to Alaska for 8 months in July. Therefore, there's no way they will come. Do I still invite them?

I just am confused because Phil's aunt is a socalite and she knows how to be a proper hostess and throw parties (she used to be a commissioner when she still lived in our city), but she's also really laid back and nice and keeps saying I can do whatever I want. But I don't know what I want because I've never done this before...
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Old 06-06-2006, 01:20 PM   #6
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Why don't you tell her you really appreciate that you can do whatever you like, but you would also appreciate some guidance from her as it is a new experience for you, and if you were going to pick up tips on what to do from anyone you would love for it to be from her...
That way you get some flattery in and hopefully some direction from her. Good Luck
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Old 06-06-2006, 01:31 PM   #7
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Unless they're in the wedding party only invite them to one shower.

So if it's likely they will go to a shower thrown by the other side of the family I wouldn't invite them to this one. Think of all the people you'll invite to showers and your wedding and divide them up based on the shower's you'll likely have.

I hate being invited to multiple showers
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Old 06-06-2006, 01:44 PM   #8
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OK here's what I'm thinking: my parents, grandparents, bro and sis for sure. I know one set of gp's won't come b/c my grandma can barely walk - she's already preparing herself to be able to come to the wedding, the poor dear. My bro and sis are 17 and 19 so I don't expect them to buy gifts so they're off the hook.

Now, I've got two friends/housemates who have already expressed interest in any excuse for a weekend in Chicago, plus they are helping me with the wedding (I'm paying them to buy my food, pick it up, and arrange it) so I'll probably invite them. The catch - I have one other housemate who no one is really close with. Should I invite her so she doesn't feel left out? I could always invite her and tell her on the side she should not feel obligated to go or buy a present.

I'd really like to invite my aunt but probably won't b/c knowing her, she'll throw her own shower.

I guess it will be more of me and my family meet Phil's huge family kind of thing, since the only people in the wedding party are our brothers and sisters and my close friends are poor, working, college students.
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Old 06-06-2006, 02:57 PM   #9
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oh boy.......Weddings seem like trouble as well as a headache...

Good luck though
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Old 06-06-2006, 03:03 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by LJT
oh boy.......Weddings seem like trouble as well as a headache...

Good luck though
Yes, yes they are. It's funny, because the stuff I'm actually responsible for - wedding, dresses, photography, invites, reception - I have perfectly under control. It's the stuff OTHER people are supposed to deal with that's giving me crap, like showers, the guys asking about tuxes, what my mom wants to wear, etc.
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Old 06-06-2006, 03:24 PM   #11
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I would invite all of the family members you listed and all of your housemates, too. The one who nobody is close with probably won't go, but at least that way she won't feel left out. I would also invite any extended family you feel close to, including your aunt (the one who might also host a shower for you). Because if she is going to do that, my guess is she's already thinking about it, even if she's not mentioned it to you...thus she can decide whether or not she wants to attend both.
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Old 06-06-2006, 04:26 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by LivLuvAndBootlegMusic


Yes, yes they are. It's funny, because the stuff I'm actually responsible for - wedding, dresses, photography, invites, reception - I have perfectly under control. It's the stuff OTHER people are supposed to deal with that's giving me crap, like showers, the guys asking about tuxes, what my mom wants to wear, etc.
I guess this is a very very big affair for both families?

So do brides have more to deal with or do the grooms? (from my very limited experience and involvement in weddings it seems brides have much more to organise)
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Old 06-06-2006, 05:11 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by LJT


I guess this is a very very big affair for both families?

So do brides have more to deal with or do the grooms? (from my very limited experience and involvement in weddings it seems brides have much more to organise)
See, the thing is that I've tried NOT to make it a big affair. I've already reserved my home church, which has this very large room/conference area so the reception will be in the same place. We're not having dinner, dancing, none of that, just snacks and desserts and a time to visit. I already have my dress, my bridesmaids have their dresses, Phil's dad is doing the ceremony, his sisters will sing, my mom is arranging the flowers, my friend Taylor who is an art student is making the invites and printout for the ceremony, and my friends are in charge of food. Really the only outside person I've retained is a good photographer, b/c good photographer is something I'm into and it's important to me. There's only three guys and three girls standing, and they are all brothers and sisters, no friends. I've made it as cheap and simple as possible while still having a traditional church wedding.

Until aunt Beth suggested it, I completely FORGOT that people even have wedding showers for brides.

The secret is this: yes the brides have WAY more to deal with, but they wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather plan every last detail myself and rest knowing it was done and everything was taken care of. Plus, the mothers REALLY take over.

The issues are mainly this - other people create more work than it needs to be. Like, the moms fighting or disagreeing, the bride and groom get caught in the middle and spend more time trying to make everyone ELSE happy than do what they want.

Overall, it hasn't been nearly as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, compared to the horror stories of friends and relatives. I suppose the simplicity of my wedding has really helped cut down on the possible things that could go wrong.
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Old 06-06-2006, 08:05 PM   #14
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agreed...Livluv and I have been nothing but perfect...

See, what the problem is lies in this story. My brother just got married last year and my mother had really no part in planning/implimenting the wedding(fellas, this is not a smart idea). See, it seems moms want to help their little boys' growing up or whatever and when they have no say in the wedding plans, mommies seem to get pissy.

So, taking that story into account, my mother is worried that the same thing is going to happen. Problem is, she's a control freak and when it's out of her hands, things won't go how SHE wants them and I get yelled at b/c SHE isn't in the loop.

Anyway, weddings are great fun. Off to search for tux's...in 2 days maybe when I don't work. hahahaha! bye
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Old 06-06-2006, 08:19 PM   #15
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weddings are incredibly stressful - best of luck sorting everything out

sidebar: When my husband and I got engaged, my step-Aunt (mother's brother's wife) wanted to throw us an engagement party (not a shower). I had a niece/nephew at that time that were 4 and 2-ish. And they are my family. But my Aunt wanted this "party" to be adults only. I have no idea who she planned to invite or if she was going to let me invite my friends. Well, I wanted my whole family to be there or not at all, so there was no party. No sweat off my back. Not like I was ever close to this Aunt and my Uncle. I think she was doing it out of kindness for my mother. My "bridal shower" turned out to all be friends of my mother-in-laws, and she has a big group of friends (payback). Oh well, got all my place settings (and then some) at that party! The people/friends in our actual wedding party & close friends (maybe 12-15 altogether) had a casual party/shower at their house.
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