Right now I'm having another episode of depression. It is being brought on by several different things. The main reason is the death of my father. It hit me really hard and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I also had a sort of falling out with a friend 2 days before my father's death. That really hurt me too. I have tried to talk to friends, but a lot of them have been really no help. I also have a few friends who asked me how I am and when I tell them they don't get back to me. That just tells me that they don't really care about me or my feelings.
My friend Steve, who passed away last November was one of the only people who helped me last time. It got so bad that I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. It is like that again. I had to force myself to get up to go to work yesterday. I just want to sleep all day. I'm going on my vacation in a few weeks to see U2 and I don't even want to go. I was so excited and now I don't even care. I try to eat, but I don't really have an appetite.
I'm so hurt right now and I just don't know what to do. I feel as no one wants to be my friend and I just want it all to end. I went to the doctor and I feel taking to him didn't really help. He prescribed medication, but the last time I was on it it made me sick and I felt like a zombie. I didn't think that it helped much.
Hello Laura,
I haven't met or talked to you like many here have, but I see your posts all the time and I am experiencing something very similar to what you are.
First of all, I am very sorry about your father!
I lost my Dad relatively suddenly last year to lung cancer, only 2 weeks before my college graduation. I say relatively sudden because he was diagnosed in January and was finally getting treatment from 1 hospital in April after another lied to him for 2 months and told him he had an infection that would make treatment dangerous(they just had given up on him). In short, I was optimistic that he was finally in good hands last April, and then one perfectly sunny morning up at school, my mom called at 7 AM and said the cancer had spread to his heart, knocked it out of rhythm and that he only had a few hours left. If I had left right then and drove 90MPH all the way to Boston(230 miles) I would not have made it. A 58 yr old man who got through 13 months of hell in Vietnam as a combat medic, worked 90 hours per week and weighed 160 lbs but could bench press 235 in January 2009 was dead within 3 months of everything being fine.
I know what you are going through, I literally felt physically sick for days and like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest. Nothing helped. It was worse to see people having fun and enjoying their last few days before graduation without a care in the world. Its horrible, and I know you will relate to this, the rest of the world goes on oblivious to what you are going through and while its not their fault, it hurts like hell and you just want to scream.
I have recently been feeling the same thing you have. Since graduating, I have not yet found a full time job and debt is starting to pile up. Leaving the house to see friends, or do anything for that matter, costs money that I do not have. The only time in the last year I have not felt despair and hopelessness was this past summer, when I was busy with my part time concert security job and driving my brother out to grad school in Salt Lake City. U2 and bands as enjoyable are rare, and I've done the job for 5 years now, so its not as if I really love it anymore, but nonetheless, being busy took my mind off what had happened.
To make matters worse, I am starting to question whether I will ever be able to find a girlfriend(I've never been in a relationship) and later be able to get married and have a family. I hate being out and seeing couples and hearing stories from other people who make it sound so easy. Most people I meet assume that I do fine with dating/relationships, if they only knew....I just feel like nothing has gone my way since the summer of 2008 when a girl from school I really liked and the feeling was mutual started dating another guy before our senior year of college. I think the spark was still there,and she got back in touch with me last summer, but we live far apart anyway and now she is abroad.
I feel like having that kind of intimacy and a future to look forward to helps somewhat in dealing with the loss of a close person, and it would probably help me a lot. I would feel like I have a purpose in life. Now, all I ever am is worried that not only will my Dad never know his grandchildren, my Mom never will either as I wont have any. It is really upsetting to me and scary at the same time.
I can relate to what you say about not even wanting to get out of bed. I have been sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon some days and the only thing really keeping me going is I still find the motivation to go to the gym 4 or 5 times per week.
I also relate to what you say about not being excited about things anymore, U2 included. I will be in Philly and Montreal, but all I can think of is how the hell I am going to get the gas money to drive down there, pay for a hotel, etc. Even last September at 360 in Boston, it just didn't feel like it did in Somerville or on Vertigo. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it greatly, but it wasn't magical. Though I am no fan at all of the ATYCLB promo...sorry, 360 set list, I still think it was my state of mind in general that cut down on the enjoyment level and not the band.
I have all the symptoms of depression, but like you, I really am skeptical of getting it taken care of through a doctor or prescriptions with side effects, etc. I just don't know what to do. Its probably clinical at this point, but I keep telling myself, if I can find a job and meet someone, things will get better fast. The finding a job will probably happen soon, the meeting someone, I just don't know.
Losing a parent is always painful, that I have no doubt at all about, but I honestly think I would be doing a lot better coping right now if I had a steady full time job and a girlfriend. If it did not happen during such a time of transition in my life, maybe it would have been easier, I just don't know.
Sorry for the long post, but your story struck a chord with me and the last week for me has been extremely hard because its the first anniversary of my Dad's passing. I have no choice but to believe the people who have said it gets easier over time, because even with my lack of a job/significant other/any happiness at all, the pain of losing my Dad is not as bad as it was last May. Don't get me wrong, it comes back sometimes when I least expect it(it did the other night) and there are still times it feels like it only happened yesterday. I sometimes leave a venue midnight or later after working a concert and go to call my Dad to tell him I am on my way and then get sad when I remember he is gone. I'll come home to a quiet house, Mom is always in bed, Dad was always up, and cry some nights. There are also things I still can't bring myself to do, like listen to the two songs that were played at my Dad's memorial service again.
I hope you are feeling better, and for what its worth(sometimes it helps me, sometimes it doesn't to hear this), many, many people have been through the same thing and are thinking of you. I am one of them!
I hope things are ok, or at least better than they are now, for you soon!
and just read your post on my phone. I am so so sorry you are struggling - you know it's okay to find things hard - life can throw some awful things at you and I know the last 12 months in particular have been really rugged for you 
