Help Me Win Back My Ex-GF

[discothequeLP]

it's a long story -- here's the Reader's Digest version:

we started going out back in March, after she broke up with her b/f (who happens to be one of my best friends). it was alright, but i think i showed a little too much desperation, and she told me on the last day of April that we should be "just friends" -- 100%, completely out of the blue. she said that she couldn't get over her hold b/f, and i told her we couldn't be "just friends."


i didn't talk to her until June, when i called to wish her a happy birthday. after we talked she sent me a text message saying that she was sorry for what she did and still hopes we could be friends. i exploded in anger and sent her back an unpublishable message, and we argued again, but we got it resolved before she went on vacation a few days later.



she sent me a postcard from London, where she was vacationing. it was short and dumb but it was a nice suprise. since she's returned last week, she's been calling me/text messaging me every damn day. i asked her a few days ago how things were with her b/f, and she tells me "umm, i dont know. . . fine, i guess." this past weekend her b/f, one of my best friends, invited me to a movie with a bunch of our other pals and her -- they didn't really seem to be hitting it off so well.



what do i do to get her back? i have no idea where to start. if i tell her i still like her a lot i have a feeling she will just grind it to dust. and i don't want to be just a friend, either, because i get really really pissed off every time i think about what she did. help, anyone?


(and thanks for reading -- i think this is my longest post to date )

 

[Auhiz]

It all sounds very incestuous there dude.

And it also sounds like you were a rebound guy there in the first instance, so I wouldn't read too much into her feelings. All bets are off when it comes to rebounds.

I'm sure it's easier said than done but it could be a good thing to let it go, man.

 

[xtal]

She could very well in love with both. Or could have feelings for both, but would just really want to be with the man that wants her as much as she wants him.

I'm a girl, and I've been in this situation, almost to the T.
I say, spend time with her. But just be prepared if she doesn't love you like it seems. Don't get her flowers, or call her too often, or return text messages. Make sure she sees you with other women. Improve your image. Don't pay for her when you guys go out. Be a gentleman, like open doors and give compliments, but that's it, don't go overboard. Don't let her know that you still have the hots for her. Don't ask too much about the bf. Pretend you don't care, but do go out with her and spend quality time together. Sometimes even blow her off, play it hot and cold. You'll have her so mixed up she will be seething. Watch the movie Hitch.
Chapter one from the Playa manual.

 

[Auhiz]

Haha don't lead him down that path xtal, the world has enough of those.

The first reply was spot on. That Zihua dude really knows where his towel is. :knowswheretowelis:

 

[the soul waits]

She could very well in love with both. Or could have feelings for both, but would just really want to be with the man that wants her as much as she wants him.

I'm a girl, and I've been in this situation, almost to the T.
I say, spend time with her. But just be prepared if she doesn't love you like it seems. Don't get her flowers, or call her too often, or return text messages. Make sure she sees you with other women. Improve your image. Don't pay for her when you guys go out. Be a gentleman, like open doors and give compliments, but that's it, don't go overboard. Don't let her know that you still have the hots for her. Don't ask too much about the bf. Pretend you don't care, but do go out with her and spend quality time together. Sometimes even blow her off, play it hot and cold. You'll have her so mixed up she will be seething. Watch the movie Hitch.
Chapter one from the Playa manual.

Ugh, are you serious? That's the "quick guide to being an asshole" if you ask me.

 

[xtal]

No I wasn't being serious.

 

[hiphop]

Skip her. She´ll never be completely yours if she wasn´t from the start. She´s playing around and hurts your feelings. She enjoys being adored, that´s why she keeps sending you msgs. Probably she neither loves you nor her b/f truly.

Imo you should have been more careful in the first place because with exes of your friends its always.. a conflict of interests. Indeed, a psychologist would tell you it´s a triangle story (three persons involved, not two) and that some people are not aware of that, however they always fall into the same kind of triangle-relations.

Just skip her, nice and easy. Next.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

I've never had a lot of success winning someone back. Usually by that point it's a 'no win' situation.

It seems to be easier the first time around.

 

[martha]

i told her we couldn't be "just friends."


... i exploded in anger and sent her back an unpublishable message, and we argued again,

i get really really pissed off every time i think about what she did.

Well first stop "getting pissed." Why would she want to be your girlfriend if you're mad at her for only liking you?

It sounds like she wants to move slowly, to find out if she likes you more than as a friend. But if all you do is get mad at her whenever she starts to be your friend, forget it.

Take it easy. Don't be so desperate. Men who are desperate and can't live without her are scary and smothering. Give her time and space. Give yourself some as well.

 

[TheFly84138]

forget about her. you can find better. also, never date friend's exes, it's a bad situation.

 

[nbcrusader]

She should be honest with her intentions. If she still has a boyfriend, but is calling/messaging you every day - there are some mixed signals there.

Give her the space to make this decision and, until she tells you otherwise, live as if she has a boyfriend.

 

[Liesje]

If you expect her honesty then you should be nothing short of 100% honest with her. Tell her how YOU feel and how you'd like to proceed and she can take it or leave it. If she leaves it, it's done, move on, not worth it.

 

[Windmilllane]

Just stalk her.



Only kidding.

Rejection sucks. If she doesn't want you, then accept it and move on. Everybody gets rejected, except if you are smoking hot or good-looking.

 

[Liesje]

Everybody gets rejected, except if you are smoking hot or good-looking.

Can you post anything that doesn't have to do with peoples' looks?

 

[Marusa]

Ok from a woman's point of view
I m pretty sure she wants something, why else would she be calling u and texting u all the time, sending u postcards just like that? only to be friends? I don't think so!
But apparently she wants to play it safe or sth, I don't know, why else is she with that guy that she obviously is not crazy about?....But he is your friend right, so this could b a bit of a problem...
Anyway, is he a problem at all? Cos if he isn't, then I think u should b honest with her and tell her how u feel, honesty is the best policy in the end
If she says no, u will at least accept the facts and move on, playing around is

 

[discothequeLP]

it's interesting how most of the guys are telling me to just forget it and most of the gals are telling me to keep at it

 

[U2@NYC]

This happened to me once... a while ago.

There was this girl I really liked but always thought I could never date. We lost touch for a long time until she asked my sister for some advice on something and she gave her my e-mail as she thought I could give her some interesting info.

Ok, so we started exchanging e-mails and switched from basic to more personal topics. We realized that we had several things in common and decided to go out for dinner, even though she was seeing someone at the time. Knowing that she was sort of out of my league, I treated her as a friend.

Then she started calling me back and writing, saying how great of a time she had had and that she wanted to see me again. I realized that I had been lucky and started to show interest in her. Things were fine for a week or two, and then she started to back out.

I was suprised, since I had not done anything different. So I pressured her until she confessed that she was still seeing this other guy. So I asked her to make up her mind but not involve me anymore at that point. However, she did not. She kept on calling and writing for more than 3 months. We even went out a couple of other times.

Believe me, it was painful, because, even though you try not to, hopes come up every time you see her. In my view, she had a convoluted personality and was scared of being left alone. Very selfish, in my opinion. I do not think that she was doing it on purpose, and still consider her a nice girl, but definetly not someone you want to be involved with.

Luckily, I met who is now my wife right after. And forgot about this other girl rather quickly.

So, my advice to you is to avoid her. If she does not, ask her to make up her mind. Friendship between men and women who have some sort of feelings for each other is complicated, so it is better to make that clear upfront.

Good luck!

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

You've got to do what's best for you. I'm not going to tell you not to do it, or to do it. You need to ask yourself a couple questions though:

Why did she really break up with me the first time?
Alternatively; if she really cared, why would she break up with you without warning?

What reasons does she have to get back together with you?

If this guy is one of your best friends, why are you so anxious to get her back from him (what many would consider 'stealing his girl' even though you're "technically" safe - technicalities are the losers way out, however. this is why everyone hates lawyers.) ?

How much do you value your friend, if this causes him to hate you and never speak to you again; could you live with that, if your relationship with her only lasted 3 weeks? Would you resent her for ruining your friendship (even though it would be completely your fault in that case) ?



I mean, I don't know. Personally. I wouldn't have been in your spot in the first place. If I were, I wouldn't push my luck more than I have. But its up to you. If you want her that badly, that she just has to be yours and no-one else's (you covetous dog, you ) well, then try and get her back... There are a lot of fish in the sea. Some women too. You'll have other girlfriends, regardless of how this turns out. Don't feel too anxious about missing out on something that is such a double edged sword given your circumstances. But, again, it's up to you.

 

[discothequeLP]

Believe me, it was painful, because, even though you try not to, hopes come up every time you see her. In my view, she had a convoluted personality and was scared of being left alone. Very selfish, in my opinion. I do not think that she was doing it on purpose, and still consider her a nice girl, but definetly not someone you want to be involved with.

that's exactly what it hink is her problem. her parents were divorced when she was three, and i know she had a really really rough time when she was growing up in dealing with her folks (i actually asked her about this during the same phone conversation in which she told me we shouldn't go out anymore, and she started crying). i feel really bad for her and i dont think she's doing what she's doing to be mean -- i think she subconciously looks for chaos, because that's what she grew up with. And, NYC, i also have that feeling of 'hope' whenever i see her, even though i know i shouldn't. i guess i am in a tough spot.

 

[00Kevin]

Start off by "just being friends" again, and if your love is mutual, when she breaks up with her boy friend you should be first in line.

 

[starsgoblue]

You can't force things, Disco...Just let things ride out. She knows how you feel about her....she'll come to you if she realizes her heart belongs with you. Rejection is a stinker, but sometimes it really has nothing to do with you and even if it was well it just means there is someone that 'gets' you out there waiting for you to discover them, so you really shouldn't let that be a measure of your own self-worth--only you can determine that and you should know how special you are!

 

[Windmilllane]

^what she said.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

it's interesting how most of the guys are telling me to just forget it and most of the gals are telling me to keep at it

That's because - like I've said a zillion different times before - women are weird. They don't say what they really want, they say what they think they want. But as soon as what they "say" they want shows up they blow him off - a guy who's nice, who treats them right, who's does everything they want.

Women want a man who is sure of himself, confident and cool as hell. He doesn't bend over for what she wants.

Try to ignore her or treat her like one of your kid's sisters' friends. Like an annoying little brat and tease her, tease her, tease her.

Just don't be clingy, don't be needy because women can't see through it that you have good intentions they just see a desperate man and that is not attractive.

Best of luck.

 

[discothequeLP]

thanks all you guys for the comments. i haven't seen her since last saturday, though she sent me another fucking text message on monday that i didn't answer. we hadnt talked all week but just today she called me and left a message. she sounded pretty bummed out; she said something like "so, i guess we're not friends anymore, since, umm, when we went out last week . . ." and rambled on for a little bit.


i'm not gonna call her for a few more days, but i still want to take her out to have ice cream or something dumb like that. i feel kind of bad that she's in the shits about it, but i guess that's just be being too nice.

 

[anitram]

That's because - like I've said a zillion different times before - women are weird. They don't say what they really want, they say what they think they want.

...

Women want a man who is sure of himself, confident and cool as hell. He doesn't bend over for what she wants.

Try to ignore her or treat her like one of your kid's sisters' friends. Like an annoying little brat and tease her, tease her, tease her.

For a guy, you certainly seem to think you know a lot about women.

For the record, I haven't yet met a single woman who would either agree with you nor want to be treated the way you suggest in this post.

 

[starsgoblue]

Yea, I have to say I think he's full of s---, but then again, I'm one of them. I can't speak what I really think, being a girl and all.

 

[LATwins]

All I have to say is make sure you THINK before you make any sudden moves. Sometimes even GUYS don't know what they want. Being a women, I've dealt with this recently and it SUCKED!

good luck to you!

 

[hiphop]

I still say skip her.

BrownEyedBoy, that was a pretty harsh post.. but kinda to the point.

Anitram, women will not agree with BrownEyedBoy, thats clear (never ever, and why should they openly agree?). But I have met more than one girl (and not only dumb ones) that will think and act like he said.

If a man is very nice to girls all the time, they will think he´s a bootlicker; and sooner or later they will take advantage of it. If a man just shows his interest - this has nothing to do with macho, he can be friendly and nice - just shows his interest, nods approvingly, and for the rest of the day hides behind his newspaper and pipe when coming home from job, most women will be very pleased with that. After all, he´s still "just" a man - he needs to be seduced. He still remains a little of a mystery (like women completely do for most of the men), and the woman might try to make him more enthusiastic. Means she will actually do something practical for the relation (if she loves him) to please him. If he comes home late from time to time (not always), she´ll ask herself why. If he´s always on time and gets her roses everyday, she´ll soon be found with her gals drinking beer complaining how fucking predictable he is, also in bed.

Now, if he falls down on his knees every day saying "wow I´m so thankful to have you in my life, you don´t know how much you mean to me" (what one also could do) etc., women will be less attracted. If he inquires all and everything everyday about her work, she will feel he doesn´t give her enough space, she´ll feel investigated. If he calls her everyday, its gonna put on her nerves sometime, and if it doesn´t, she knows what to expect every day anyway, so it´s not a big deal.

See the examples? I think thats what BrownEyedBoy means.

And don´t you want a confident man who is sure of himself?

 

[hiphop]

Sometimes even GUYS don't know what they want. Being a women, I've dealt with this recently and it SUCKED!

See, Anitram? A guy has to KNOW what he WANTS. He´s not allowed to be an insecure sucker

 

[hiphop]

i'm not gonna call her for a few more days, but i still want to take her out to have ice cream or something dumb like that. i feel kind of bad that she's in the shits about it, but i guess that's just be being too nice.

yeah take her out for an icecream if you can´t just skip her

and if she asks why you weren´t replying any sooner to her desperate txt msg, say you had a lot to do and you were really occupied (with this and that, if she asks with what). *sigh* *shrug*

and then take her out for another icecream if you want to/ esp. if you can without involving your heart too much.

if she tries to get nearer to you, back off in style.

oh and tell her you´re not keen on triangle stories, esp. with good friends. maybe she learns something then?