Having his cake and eating it too...

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xtal

War Child
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
834
Location
US
Since my best friend ended our friendship years ago, I began seeing her ex boyfriend.
Flash forward five years: Me and her began talking again. I have quit seeing her ex for about 2 months now. I refuse to talk to him while I'm trying to reconcile with her.
Then now I find out that this whole time he's been seeing me, he's been seeing her as well.
I feel like I should take her to dinner and tell her.
I can't stand this guy using us like this. And if I continue to be her friend, I can't stand by and let her be used and made such a fool of. I really think I should tell her.
What do I do?
 
Tell her and bring proof, then both of you set him up for the most embarrasing shock of his life, make it PAINFUL!!!:mad: Good luck!
 
Granted, he's a low selfish PIG and I'm out to ruin his game. But I don't want to hurt my friend.
 
Make sure she knows that you didnt know he was being a player
And that if you had known it wouldnt have continued. That way she doesnt harbor bad feelings towards you, and wont hang around him and get hurt
That really sucks too by the way
 
She will harbour bad feelings toward me regardless. It's a given since I was her friend and I knew he was her ex. Which is understandable.
I would never have started seeing him if we were still friends. And I didn't know that during that time he was still sleeping with her. When we became friends again, I dropkicked him.
Now that we're friends, she confides in me and tells me all the stuff she does for him. I feel bad because I know that he doesn't love her, he just uses her. And even though I'm not seeing him anymore, it just makes matters worse. He was seeing her behind my back too, which, of course, hurts my ego. I was used just as well. I'm just afraid that she might want to fight me, and/or go to him and have him lie to her and she believe him and just hate me for the rest of her life and live "happily ever after" with him.
Despite my evidence and my proof.
I want to make sure she doesn't ever go back to him. Ever. He doesn't deserve either one of us. He doesn't deserve anybody.
 
Ouch that's a tough one, xtal!
I guess the decision about telling her or not depends on how close you two are now (I mean you and your girlfriend) and why the friendship ended in the first place. If you guys have healed from that and are in a good place right now where you completely trust eachother, I'd say : tell her, come clean and leave the decision about what she'll do with the info with her.

I have a pondering though : how did you not know they were still an item? Didn't they go out in public etc?
 
They aren't an item at all, which is why I never found out. She just goes over there for sex.

I guess she would come over on nights that I wasn't around and vice versa.

Basically he has two "friends with benefits".

I just have this feeling she'll be crazy hurt and be upset at me. But later she'll go back to him. She's too weak to leave him.
 
xtal said:
They aren't an item at all, which is why I never found out. She just goes over there for sex.

I guess she would come over on nights that I wasn't around and vice versa.

Basically he has two "friends with benefits".

I just have this feeling she'll be crazy hurt and be upset at me. But later she'll go back to him. She's too weak to leave him.

If that's the case, I wouldn't tell her. It's not like she loves him, is building a life with him, right? If it's just for sex, I wouldn't risk the friendship over it, especially since you're not seeing him anymore.
 
Are you for real?
Put yourself in her shoes. He still calls me, the only reason why we're not speaking is because I don't want to carry on a relationship with him when I'm friends with her.
He sleeps with other women too, not just me.
She still loves him to death and believes that he's only sleeping with her. Comes to find out, he's not only sleeping around, he's sleeping with her best friend! He uses her, he is making a huge fool out of her.
I feel like she is waiting for him. And he keeps her on the side until he finds someone better.
I find that offensive, and retarded. I don't want this pig to get away with this.
 
I would definately let her know. Sorry you have to be in this situation. I hope you dont lose your friend again because of it.
 
Windmilllane said:
God, why are are ALL guys playas.

yes...EVERY SINGLE MALE ON THE PLANET IS A 'PLAYA' ISN'T HE??! :eyebrow:...

seriously, though, XTA...I honestly think you should let her know in the gentlest way possible, then see how long it takes for him to admit what he's been doing, if he doesn't, set him up...
 
Oh, good suggestion. Set up!

By the way, I don't value her friendship too much right now. I know she will be hurt. If this were to ever happen to me, I would never want to speak to both parties ever again.
So I'm accepting that, even before it happens. But I feel the poor girl should know the truth. It is mean of me to know this and let her go on thinking that everything is fine and dandy...
and really someone is pissing in her cornflakes every morning.
 
xtal said:
Are you for real?
Put yourself in her shoes. He still calls me, the only reason why we're not speaking is because I don't want to carry on a relationship with him when I'm friends with her.
He sleeps with other women too, not just me.
She still loves him to death and believes that he's only sleeping with her. Comes to find out, he's not only sleeping around, he's sleeping with her best friend! He uses her, he is making a huge fool out of her.
I feel like she is waiting for him. And he keeps her on the side until he finds someone better.
I find that offensive, and retarded. I don't want this pig to get away with this.

Ok, I got confused by your posts, I'm sorry, it's hard to get the full picture.
You say they're not an item, are just friends with benefits, but then you say she loves him?
Why aren't they together then? Has she expressed her feelings towards him? If she loves him, how can it not be torturing her to just have sex and have no relationship?

She doesn't seem like a very strong personality to me, going by the information I get here, so I fear that she's the type of girl that will rather lash out and blame you when you tell her, than open her eyes and see him for the player he really is.
 
No, SHE loves him, but he uses her for sex. She is waiting for him. He doesn't want to be with her, but he'll sleep with her. He knows she loves and will do anything for him, that is why he is taking advantage of her.
She says she's okay with just sex because it's just 'so damn good', but damn all, I'd be hurt, fed up, pissed off, gone crazy by now. She is probably hiding the fact that she is all those things.
I can see her being mad at me, and then going straight to him, and then taking his side and never talking to me again, but I have to give her proof and evidence that it did happen. So she will have to think of me every time she is with him.
And damn, if she still goes back to him, she is much more weak and stupider than I thought and she deserves to be made a fool of and used. And I can't help her anymore than I tried.
So the more and more I think of this, I feel strongly about myself that I must come clean. I have no reason to hide. I have no plans to ever get back with him again, and I don't care that he will probably hate me for the rest of his life.
 
xtal said:

He sleeps with other women too, not just me.

Do you mean besides you and your friend? Wow, this guy sounds like the ultimate playa! Yeah, you've got to tell your friend and be prepared for her to become your ex-friend again if for no other reason than the associated health risk.

:mac: You must get his playa play book to determine how he is able to pull this type of stuff off.

:angel: Oh no you don't! You know the consequences will be worse than all the action in the world!

:mac: You wus, you ruin everything for me.
 
I just hope the rest of his life is as miserable as he's made me feel for the last couple of days....
 
I dunno, your friend sounds kinda sketchy to me. You say she goes over there for sex, but then you say SHE loves her and is waiting for him to come around, meanwhile he's using her for sex.....leads me to wonder, why the HELL is she even in this situation in the first place? (letting a guy who doesn't love her use her for sex.....and still letting him do it). To me, neither sound like great friends. Tell her b/c she deserves to know, but if she goes running back to him and their both pissed at you for life, oh well, they both sound like they need their heads examined anyway. :shrug:
 
LivLuvAndBootlegMusic said:
I dunno, your friend sounds kinda sketchy to me. You say she goes over there for sex, but then you say SHE loves her and is waiting for him to come around, meanwhile he's using her for sex.....leads me to wonder, why the HELL is she even in this situation in the first place? (letting a guy who doesn't love her use her for sex.....and still letting him do it). To me, neither sound like great friends. Tell her b/c she deserves to know, but if she goes running back to him and their both pissed at you for life, oh well, they both sound like they need their heads examined anyway. :shrug:

LivLuv expressed what I was trying to say better than I managed to.
If she loves him,but only has sex with him and is supposedly waiting for him (what is she waiting for, what's the excuse he gives her for not committing to her right now?), why does she still sleep with him?

I think she lacks selfrespect and the guts to tell him to take a hike, make up his mind and stay out of her bed while he does that.

I think you telling her or not will not influence her very much, seeing the things she puts up with already.
 
the soul waits said:

I think she lacks selfrespect and the guts to tell him to take a hike, make up his mind and stay out of her bed while he does that.

That's word I was looking for, selfrespect. I cannot be around people who have no respect for themselves, their bodies, their own commitments and boundaries. I've had some friends, mostly in HS, who say one thing, then do another, and no matter what I say or do, they never change and aren't willing to change. I've lost some really fun friends over that, but in the end, they're people that never give and only take and I'd rather put in the effort to find new friends, GOOD friends that respect me and respect themselves.
 
Techie2000 said:
As a member of the male species, I resent that remark...:madspit:

Indeed. Many men read this too, even if we don't ALL comment. I think I would get flamed if I made a remark like that about you members of the fairer sex!
 
I'm sorry but I never meant any disrespect to any man. I tend not to caricature a person "as just like the rest".

Stereotyping people do not help matters. I know that and I hope others that read this don't think ALL men are players.

I think, in this case, it's my fault. I attract assholes.
 
Speaking of cake, yesterday was my dad's birthday and we got him a Black Forest Cake...

Oh lordy, it was good.

But to be on topic... I think you'll find a healthy percentage of men AREN'T playas and do genuinely care about a woman's feelings.
 
Aardvark747 said:


Indeed. Many men read this too, even if we don't ALL comment. I think I would get flamed if I made a remark like that about you members of the fairer sex!

Precisely. Three people have complained about that pile of crap that women may think passed as a 'statement' [about men being 'playas' and we still haven't hear a response. I look forward to a full apology. :wave:
 
blahblahblah said:


Precisely. Three people have complained about that pile of crap that women may think passed as a 'statement' [about men being 'playas' and we still haven't hear a response. I look forward to a full apology. :wave:

I'm sorry, but I never said that all men are assholes.
 
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