Growing up and letting go of an old friend

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LemonMelon

More 5G Than Man
Joined
Aug 31, 2004
Messages
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I don't post in here all that often anymore because I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I'm too uncertain about my own daily affairs to really offer much certainty or reliable advice to anyone else. And calling attention to my life isn't really necessary: I'm not overjoyed, I'm not sad, I'm just living one day at a time right now. However, one situation has been weighing on me very heavily over the past few months in particular, and I wanted to get down on paper why that is. I'm not sure I'm looking for advice, but I post everywhere on this forum, and if I'm coming across as a bit of bastard over the next few days, I want you all to know what's bothering me.

This is going to be tl;dr to the extreme, but I'm not going to pretend as if this post isn't a therapeutic exercise.

So, I have this friend (no, he's not me), henceforth known as Kyle (yes, that's his real name), and we've known each other for...hmm...12 years now? Dates get fuzzier not only as you get older, but also as you distance yourself from them. The point is, I've known him for most of my life, he's always been someone to cheer me up, someone to rely on when I need a person to talk to about whatever.

The thing is, lately, he hasn't been particularly reliable. I came back to Maryland to spend Christmas with my family, and he was a part of that. He always told me that he felt as if I were his older brother (he's a few years younger than me; it's never really mattered), and he's spent so much time with my family. Weekends over at the house, hours and hours spent playing video games, writing music together, talking about girls, talking about women. He was truly my best friend for about a solid decade. But, this whole time I've been home, he just hasn't been there. We exchange a few texts every day, but he's never around long enough to keep a conversation going. He never answers my calls.

His excuses ultimately amount to him just needing to spend time with his family, which is terrific. I know that when I'm away from my own parents, I'll have days when all I want to do is get in my car, drive back to Maryland, and give them both a hug and let them know I'm alright. He'll miss them terribly when he leaves home. I understand. But then there are the times he just appears to be ignoring my messages or just simply not initiating any sort of conversation. It's become increasingly rare that he calls me on his own accord, and this exact situation replicated itself last time I went home, back in August.

This has forced me to confront some truths/possibilities I've been denying for a long time.

1. I can be extremely clingy. I like to pretend I don't give a shit about what people think, but when it comes to people I care about, I can succumb to it. And when I was a kid, I had a history of holding onto friends far longer than I should have. I was always the one to make the calls, I was always the one to set up times to hang out, and I was, frankly, always the one to be taken advantage of.

2. He may just not care about our relationship anymore. It happens. Maybe my time away in which I only talked to him about a dozen times in 6 months extinguished the last of it. The thing is, we hung out for a while the eve of my departure to Indiana, and I've never seen him so shaken by something. Hell, I haven't seen him cry in years, but that night he came awfully close.

3. Maybe we've just grown apart. He's younger than I am, runs in different crowds, and our interests are a little different now. We still have a lot in common, and have a great time when we see each other, but if he has friends he's closer to now, I can't blame him.

So, what can I do? Leaving someone that you care about, someone you've treated as if they were family is never easy but it's inevitable. What complicates things is that, stupidly, I asked him to be Best Man at Ashley and I's wedding. On top of leaving on Friday with only the crappiest of goodbyes, I also need to take him out of the wedding party before then. It pains me to do it, but this is bullshit. He can't be counted on, and he doesn't seem to care much about it, elated though he was over the invitation.

The greater implication of this, however, is that I just need to move on from my life here in Maryland. Kyle is merely a depressing symbol of how little reason I have left to be here. My heart is back in Indiana, and my life is moving forward there as planned. But I can't help but be greatly saddened by all of it. I lost my recording equipment with the move, and I won't be able to move forward in music for quite some time. I'm losing someone I considered my best friend for many years. I have no intention of returning; soon, I'll be married, and, in effect, I'll have traded one best friend for another, someone who does care very deeply for me and whom I love very much. It's my gain. Just kind of bummed about how crappy things are ending here.
 
don't know if you're looking for advice or just venting, but i can say from experience i know somewhat how you're feeling ... i hate losing friends. i'm very dependent on those close to me. i care very deeply for them and in turn expect the same. but i have definitely lost some close friends over the years.

you're 19 - i assume you moved to indiana for college? (where do you go to college btw if i may ask?) you're experiencing something that happens to every college student... being in a different place and a different stage of life inevitably leads to people drifting apart. hell, even people in the same place of the same age can drift apart. it's something i have a hard time coming to terms with, but sometimes things just don't work out and there's nothing you can really do about it.

i will say that i don't think you need to completely cut him out of your life. just because you're growing up and live somewhere else now doesn't mean you have to leave him behind entirely. you can still make an effort to see how he's doing ever now and then online or whatever, and hang out with him if you happen to be visiting maryland. i have a good friend from HS who lives in another state now and is also getting married soon. we don't talk terribly often, but we do from time to time, and though i only see him a few times a year, when i do it's still a good time. he's still my friend, even though we don't hang out and talk as often as we used to. my guess is kyle isn't making a conscious effort to distance himself from you, but that you've just grown apart naturally as you suggested.

i'd suggest having a serious talk with him about the wedding thing...perhaps if you explain how you think he's been distant lately and how it's bothering you, he'll give you more in-depth responses than just "i need to spend more time with my family." i think you'll have some peace of mind if you hear what he has to say...either you'll make amends of sort or find out for sure that the friendship is dying, and you'll have some closure. i do agree that it is quite frustrating to feel like you're the only one trying to make a friendship work, and at one point you do just have to let it go, which you seem to understand. "you're holding on to every little thing so tightly, 'til there's nothing left for you anyway." it doesn't have to be a black and white thing - friend or not friend - but the likelihood is you won't be as close as you were, which sucks. but i'm sure getting married will help you deal with that :)

hopefully i didn't ramble too much...good luck, and enjoy the wedding.
 
Hey, Collapse. Glad to see you around these parts. First B&C, then ZC, then THE WORLD. :wink:

Yes, I went to Indiana for college, as well as to grow closer to Ashley (better known as bono_212 to most of you). You asking is no trouble; I study at Valparaiso University. A relatively small school, but when you're moving to a new area, the last thing you need is a massive university with tens of thousands of students and faculty to acclimate to. It's been a smooth transition, and I'm quite happy there.

Thanks for the advice; I wasn't explicitly asking for any, but it's one of those situations when I simply don't want to ask for it because I don't think there is an easy answer and it's easier just to vent. That, of course, doesn't mean I have it all figured out, so I appreciate the attempt. I'll probably follow it too: if I can, I'll swing by Kyle's house tomorrow so I can say goodbye in person to him, as well as the rest of his family, who I have also grown very close to over the years. If a lengthy discussion transpires from that, all the better. The main reason I'm so distraught is the lack of closure, or any words of substance.
 
You've both already moved on from being besties to being more casual friends. You moved several states away and you two only talked perhaps a dozen times over six months. The split's already been made -- by both parties.
 
Hey, Collapse. Glad to see you around these parts. First B&C, then ZC, then THE WORLD. :wink:

yeah i'm trying to expand my postage. you can note that i have posted in EYKIW, where the album has no name, FYM (a bold move imo), and even PLEBA...

Yes, I went to Indiana for college, as well as to grow closer to Ashley (better known as bono_212 to most of you). You asking is no trouble; I study at Valparaiso University. A relatively small school, but when you're moving to a new area, the last thing you need is a massive university with tens of thousands of students and faculty to acclimate to. It's been a smooth transition, and I'm quite happy there.

right on. i just asked 'cause i go to IU. i love going to a big school, but i only went to college an hour away from home (Indianapolis), so it wasn't as dramatic of a transition. so you aren't bored to death in the midwest? :p

The main reason I'm so distraught is the lack of closure, or any words of substance.

which is why i recommend attempting a serious discussion. or at least some "final" words on your part. things left unsaid can linger in your mind for longer than you'd think...i had a friendship that fell apart (long story, was in love with my best friend, he had a g/f, but one night we kissed, and that was the beginning of the end...obviously not so dramatic for you and kyle :p) and years later i was drunkenly IMing him things i felt i needed to say. i was completely over him and our friendship, but i still felt like i needed some closure, if that makes any sense. it's good that you are at least ready to move on though. people come and go in life. cherish everything you have, and when you lose something, it's okay, because you'll always gain something back eventually. and if you're really lucky, some people will stick with you forever :)

not to sound like an inspirational poster or anything ... :p

man i use :p too much; no one is going to take me seriously if i'm always sticking my tongue out on the internet
 
people come and go in life. cherish everything you have, and when you lose something, it's okay, because you'll always gain something back eventually. and if you're really lucky, some people will stick with you forever :)


Just liked that comment, and quoted as such. :)
 
It really is very true, as long as you don't let losing people close you up to others.

So, I went over to Kyle's house tonight, just for the hell of it, and I did basically get to see everyone in his family, and we all had some catching up to do. Kyle and I hung out, listened to music, played guitar and talked about whatever for about four hours. It made me realize that he's exactly the same person he always was, but that, yes, times have changed. Our interests are different. We still laugh at the same inside jokes, but their pertinence is gone. It's all very different. What makes me sad is that we probably could keep going on being best friends if the circumstances were different, but they're not. Life has just done its thing. When it was all said and done, we gave each other a hug (a real one, not some bullshit brohug), and that was that. I went home, typed this message, and I'm still reeling by the fact that his niece is already two. Life does indeed go on.

Am I going to cut him out of the wedding? Nope. Finances may even prevent him from being able to go at all, so I'm going to just let it be. See what happens and hope for the best. Am I cutting him out of my life? Absolutely not. People may come and go, but part of life is staying open to them.

Anyway, interesting night. Guess I'm ready to go back.
 
It's sad when you inevitably move on and there will be moments when you will miss him. On the other hand, such is life, and such losses are not malicious. We all grow and change and sometimes we don't grow and change at the same rate, in the same place, at the same time. That's always been my philosophy about relationships and I think it applies well to friendships as well.

On a completely other note, if you're 19 and getting married, I am both wowed and impressed. I surely had no idea what I wanted from life at that age. Best of luck and have a lovely wedding.
 
I had a similar experience with my closest friend when I went away to college, except I think she is the one who matured and I didn't. Actually, I don't know if she's really matured or if she's just got too many responsibilities now and doesn't have time to do all the fun things that we used to do, and not just with me, but also with her other friends.
 
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Am I cutting him out of my life? Absolutely not. People may come and go, but part of life is staying open to them.

Yep they come and go and sometimes they come back again. One of my best school friends and I drifted apart in our 20s as we just didn't seem to have too much in common anymore & had different priorities, interests etc We vaguely kept in touch through the odd email, Xmas card & mutual friends and eventually (after many, many years) found we were on the same wavelength again and are really close friends again. Maybe you & your friend will be the same, maybe not. But staying open to it is a great idea :)
 
I've gone through similar things. It's one thing to have a falling out with someone, it's a whole other thing to realize there's nothing wrong on either side, you're just growing apart. It fucking sucks, actually. It's hard, but it gets easier as you get older and realize it's just a part of life that you can't avoid. I've also been guilty of hanging onto friendships for dear life and dragging the inevitable end out. The sooner you learn to let go, not with any guilt or resentment, just to let go, move on, and be ok with it, the easier it gets. It still sucks, though. :) Sorry you're dealing with this now.
 
You have to constantly re-evaluate your friendships and take stock of what you're getting out of them. If someone isn't at least trying to give back equally to what they get in a friendship, then you have to shuffle them down a bit in the deck of cards.

Everyone has to sort through priorities in life, and if this good friend doesn't have you high enough up on the pecking order to hang out, then you have to realistically adjust how you see your relationship with them.
 
I know it's painful LemonMelon but it is a part of growing up. It seems that you have matured a bit more than your friend and are at different places right now. I think that childhood friends are the toughest to lose. You literally grew up together like brothers. Maybe, in a year or two, when Kyle is at your level of maturity. It will be different. In the meantime. You will make new friends who are going through the same stage of life that you are. I hope this helps and there is nothing wrong or clingy about being a good friend. It sounds as though, you are a great person and others will see that.
 
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