Funeral Arrangements

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Doozer61

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This has been weighing a little heavy on me right now. Actually, since my nephew died a year ago.

It amazes me how sometimes family swoops in and takes over with no regard for the wishes of the person that has passed.

My good friend Susan died on Saturday and her partner of 10 years has not been consulted on ANY plans. Susan's daughter and son are making all the arrangements without regard to Susan's spiritual path or her partner's wishes.

Oh, did I mention that they are homophobic as well. That might be the answer. :sarcasm:

The house they shared was left to Susan from her mother, so the partner has no rights to it and in fact, will be homeless very shortly because the family will not allow her to live there.

This is a lesson, especially for me and Caron to get our stuff in order. And that's not to say I want to sit here and dwell on my death or Caron's. It is just a reminder that we need to be prepared especially since we live in a place that does not recognize our relationship. Hell, I have family members that don't recognize our relationship. :shrug:

The house we live in was left to Caron by her father. So it is the same situation as Susan. Unless we sell it and buy something together, I have no rights no matter how much money I have put into it.

Also, we both need to make our families aware of how we want things...medical services, etc. And it all has to be in writing and notorized. Sheesh.

:rant:
 
If the house was left to Caron, can't she leave it to you in a will? or 50/50 with you and her daughter, or that it has to be sold and the profits split 50/50 between the two of you?

I'm sorry to hear your friends family are treating her partner like that Dooz. I just don't get that stuff at all.
 
Caron's house was part of a trust that will leave it automatically to Sarah.

We have discussed having something drawn up that will allow me to live there for a specific period of time.


Thanks.
 
Im sorry Dooz that's pretty wrong with how the family is treating your friend :hug: Like Kiki said they need to stop and realize the friend is dealing with a lot of pain right now. Have no tolerance for those who are so close minded.

Very smart idea with getting your's and Caron's affairs in order now. Death is definitely a topic that noone ever wants to think about. The aftermath too though can be just as painful as losing the loved one if not more.
 
WTF I can't believe that bullshit. I hope one day people wake up and stop discriminating against people and allow same-sex partners to get married. Then they could have these rights to home, etc. That would put a stop to all this unnecessary pain and drama. Politicians need to get over themselves too. That shit is fucked up.

I myself don't want to get married, however the threat of leaving my potential loved one homeless lingers at the back of my head. I wouldn't want him to be out on his own without any of my left over support for his loss. So further down the road, I might change my mind, who knows.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and of her partner's problems she is having. Jeez, as if she isn't going through enough already....... :(

I hope that you and Caron will be able to come up with arrangements that will work for you both. :hug:
 
:sigh:

:hug:

first, i am very sorry about your friend.

second, it's unbelievable. smart of you and Caron to get it together to prevent any problems, and this just highlights why there's such a need for marriage equality. the real abomination is that you have to do all this.

i know CA has really good domestic partnership laws, and i'm willing to bet that something better is going to come along in the next year or so, and maybe you guys can pounce when the straight people of the world decide to treat you like real people.

until then ... i wish you the best of luck, and please let me know how things turn out. this is something Memphis and i will probably start to deal with over the next few years, so whatever you learn or whatever advice you might have, i'd love to hear it.
 
i just realized that my previous statement was entirely political. i want to add that i wish your friend all the best. i hope that she and Susan's family are able to come to some sort of understanding.

and I'm also glad you and Caron are working this out ahead of time. It is a morbid subject to talk about, but unfortunately, is something that needs to be addressed.

:hug:
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Susan, Dooz. I hope her partner is able to find a way to get through the practicalities so she can concentrate on her grieving.

:hug:
 
Sorry, darlin'. :hug:

Dying intestate leaves such a mountain of trouble for the survivors, and when some of the survivors are assholes, it's even worse.

Get wills, get trusts NOW.

Of course, I say this and I don't have one. But at least I have the benefit of a legally recognized relationship. :|
 
Dooz, I'm so sorry. :hug: I know it's always seemed unreasonable to me (to say the least) that while a traditional marriage might only last two years, the survivor has more rights to the deceased's property than someone who may have been in a monogamous, same-sex relationship for 10 years. I mean, straight or not - that's fucked up.

Don't count on the Finger Pointing Brigade to give up on that one easily, though. :( Too busy nosing around other folk's private lives to get their own houses in order. :slant:
 
Man oh man Dooze, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It is a damn shame that in this day and age there aren't laws and fairer attention given to same sex relationships. It sucks big time. A similar scenario happened to a 2nd cousin of mine in the Bay Area. She and her partner of 15 years had bought a house together though when PPPmy cousin's partner passed, her 4 boys fought and got the house. My cousin luckily had property left her from her own mother and was able to sell it and buy something for herself so she was not completely kicked to the curb. Seriously, this world needs to WAKE UP and make some changes so that PEOPLE no matter their relationship or sexual orientation are fairly treated when one part of a couple dies.

:hug: Smart of you and Caron to learn from what your friend (and unfortunately many others in similar circumstances) is experiencing and to speak with family as well as draw up paperwork detailing your wishes. As morbid as it is to even think about doing, it is so important and can save so much heartache and/or fighting once we are gone for what's left behind. Not to mention there is a whole list of other things to consider as far as last wishes like DNR orders, funeral and service wishes, medical issue wishes and financial issues.

I've been going through this with my mother since her cancer diagnosis, which prompted her to make sure her affairs are all in order. Being named executor holds a lot of responsibility and it's nothing I want to even think about, but my family is glad that while our mother is still here, that her wishes are known and understood and I have had the opportunity to speak with my mother's financial adviser and attorney so I am fully prepared what to expect when Mom's gone.
 
Get yourself a good family law lawyer (preferrably one who has good experience doing estate planning). I never understood how people are willing to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on big screen TVs but are too cheap to go and have a legal will drawn up (people please don't get those will kits they sell on TV for $9.99, come on).
 
I'm so sorry about your friend, Dooz :hug:
And I agree with everyone, this country needs to wake the fuck up and make things fair for ALL men & women, regardless if they are in a same sex relationship or not. It makes me so mad!


:hug:
 
anitram said:
I never understood how people are willing to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on big screen TVs but are too cheap to go and have a legal will drawn up (people please don't get those will kits they sell on TV for $9.99, come on).

In my mother's case, she just plain hated/was scared of lawyers. That's why, despite my pleading with her to do it, she never had a proper will drawn up. She's probably not the only person out there who'd rather buy a will kit or a box of legal software -- or die intestate -- than go see a lawyer and have a will drawn up ... :shifty:
 
Doozer61 said:
This has been weighing a little heavy on me right now. Actually, since my nephew died a year ago.

It amazes me how sometimes family swoops in and takes over with no regard for the wishes of the person that has passed.

My good friend Susan died on Saturday and her partner of 10 years has not been consulted on ANY plans. Susan's daughter and son are making all the arrangements without regard to Susan's spiritual path or her partner's wishes.

Oh, did I mention that they are homophobic as well. That might be the answer. :sarcasm:

The house they shared was left to Susan from her mother, so the partner has no rights to it and in fact, will be homeless very shortly because the family will not allow her to live there.

This is a lesson, especially for me and Caron to get our stuff in order. And that's not to say I want to sit here and dwell on my death or Caron's. It is just a reminder that we need to be prepared especially since we live in a place that does not recognize our relationship. Hell, I have family members that don't recognize our relationship. :shrug:

The house we live in was left to Caron by her father. So it is the same situation as Susan. Unless we sell it and buy something together, I have no rights no matter how much money I have put into it.

Also, we both need to make our families aware of how we want things...medical services, etc. And it all has to be in writing and notorized. Sheesh.

:rant:




i have had my funeral arrangements and will made up and stored with my family and at home so that people know what to do when i die, as well as my wish to be an organ donor (as well as being on the registry) i also have all my bank accounts, loans, insurance everything listed so my executors can find it . i have 2 kids i want to make sure they are provided for and an exhusband that i dont want to get a cent so i made sure my ass is covered when i go. nothing would piss me off more than if he got custody and my money.
i had my kids young , and had all this stuff written up by the time i was 24, its never to early to start, as there are always douchebags who will take over and not listen .


sorry about you friend doozer, i hope things work out for her partner.
 
Irvine511 said:
and maybe you guys can pounce when the straight people of the world decide to treat you like real people.



I completely understand how easy it is to generalize, and obviously I cannot even begin to understand how much of this you have endured, however, not all straight people fail to recognize GLTB's as real people.

maybe a slightly smaller generalization than "the world" might work too :wink:



I am so thankful that my gay/lesbian friends in Canada have survivor/common law survivor rights, but so sad that a geographical location validates them and their relationships.
 
It's hard to hear nothing was arranged for your friend, and now the arrangements are not according to her wishes or her partner's :hug: It does indeed remind us how early we actually have to start planning stuff like this and how much attention we should pay to it... It's weird though how recognition when it comes to things like these is still different per country/region. I mean, come on, it's 2008! :huh:
 
I'm sorry to hear this :hug: It's nuts that in some parts of the world(or should I say most) this is still such a big issue that people cannot accept.. what happened to the whole 'everyone is equal' thing?

I think it's a good thing you are talking about it with your partner, it might not be fun to think about, but in the end it's for the best!
 
snowbunny00774 said:


I am so thankful that my gay/lesbian friends in Canada have survivor/common law survivor rights, but so sad that a geographical location validates them and their relationships.

You know what's kind of interesting is that gays and lesbians in Canada who are in committed relationships are far worse off now in terms of taxation than they were when gay marriage was not recognized. Clearly it doesn't compare with the benefits gained, but it's still an interesting little tidbit.
 
Thanks guys for your support.

I never intended this to be a "gay" thing, although in my case and in Susan's partners case, it is. And unfortunately, it does happen.

I guess what I really wanted to say, other than my rant, was that we ALL need to be prepared. Make sure your family knows what you want in terms of long term health care, if there is an illness and in funeral plans. Document and make plans for your survivors, especially if you are not married or in a relationship that is not recognized.

Thanks again. :hug:
 
snowbunny00774 said:



I completely understand how easy it is to generalize, and obviously I cannot even begin to understand how much of this you have endured, however, not all straight people fail to recognize GLTB's as real people.



:up:

fair enough.
 
Doozer61 said:
Thanks guys for your support.

I never intended this to be a "gay" thing, although in my case and in Susan's partners case, it is. And unfortunately, it does happen.

I guess what I really wanted to say, other than my rant, was that we ALL need to be prepared. Make sure your family knows what you want in terms of long term health care, if there is an illness and in funeral plans. Document and make plans for your survivors, especially if you are not married or in a relationship that is not recognized.

Thanks again. :hug:

It's interesting you brought this up since my officemate who is also a dear friend and I have been talking about this all month. She just got her will/trust together and I have that as a goal for myself in the next few months.

As for the gay issue, when my dearest friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years ago, he and his partner immediately sought help from someone who specializes in this for gay couples to make sure their wishes were legally honored, even though the families of both were very supportive of the relationship. People can suddenly act out of character when people die so it's best to have it all in order beforehand.
 
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