"Friends"

[Liesje]

How do you guys feel about "friends"? I mean the kind of people that really do mean something to you - you get along with them and value the friendship with them - but the kind of people that make themselves so busy you only see them or talk to them once every few months, even though they live and work within minutes from you. Then when you do spend time together, they're always getting phone calls, or chatting with this or that person that happens to walk by or stop in.

I'm kinda annoyed and sad right now. I just got e-mails from two people I would consider close friends, except I feel like I'm the only one that values the friendship. Maybe it's because they have so many other friends, they don't need me the same way I value their friendship. We don't speak for months and then out of the blue I get these e-mails like "hey girl! I miss you! We need to get together! But I'm only free for these 10 minute blocks on this date and this date, yadda yadda yadda..." On one hand I'm happy to hear from them, but on the other hand, I'm so annoyed I can barely respond.

Is it me, or does everyone feel this way about certain people? I feel like maybe it's just me because I'm the type of person that does few things but the things I am doing, I do to death. I don't have many friends and I like it that way because I can't stand small talk and being nice just for the sake of a social network.

Now, I do have friends, one VERY good friend in particular, who because of locations of school I only see for a few weeks at a time once or twice a year, but the difference is that we are such close friends, we don't bother "catching up". We just hang out and go on as if no time has passed since the last time we were together. Sometimes one of us will say "OH, I HAVE to tell you about when this happened...", but we mostly spend our time just being good friends because it doesn't really matter what happens in between.

I guess I just get annoyed and frusterated when I feel like I'm close friends with someone, but then we end up spending 1/2 hr together every few months just "catching up". Bleh. Honestly, I have more fun and more valuable experiences with random Interference people I hardly ever see or have never met before than I end up having with my "friends".

 

[* MoFo *]

I know exactly what you mean. A few years ago i'd see my friends a good few times a week. Now it's a few months apart, if that.

I've kinda got used to my own company, so it doesn't suck as much as it should. Whenever I see said friends it's kinda awkward for me 'cos it's always so long inbetween seeing them, so I kinda feel I don't know them as well as I used to, so slowly im drifting away from them, which I can take, this has always happened in my life and i'm sure i'll get a new circle of friends someday...

I truly hope you'll find some mates who appreciate your friendship and you'll be happy. In the short-term, perhaps you could tell someone how you feel? Maybe work commitments etc may make it hard for them to see ya all the time but at least how you feel will be out there.

All the best!

 

[hiphop]

Thats how things go LivLuv

those who I chat with and who dont seem to have the time, but are friends in a way, yeah so they´re not real close friends. I agree it can be just annoying when they dont have time or talk on their mobile etc. Usually I dont consider these.. half friends as very close friends. I rather feel they´re buddies. People you hang out with, meet them every couple of months, probably call one time or another, but if you dont have time its not sooo important.. just buddies, y know. I think I have about three friends who are really close. And twenty or sth like dat buddies, thats always changing.. there´s a difference.

 

[girlhappy]

First off, i do agree with the part.."i dont consider these half friends as close friends." Some people might say that "meeting up" and talking live isnt crucial, but i can feel the difference when i dont see close friends for a longer time. I believe the friendships takes a lot of work ,and i often feel the way you do.
Sometimes i got feeling i am trying too hard, and even feel guilty when i dont see my freinds because of the work etc. And then i realize that they dont care as much as i do. Maybe i need more from them , i dont know. But, to have someone to genuinely care about you is very precious and more rare then i thought.

 

[nbcrusader]

The level of friends you describe will always change during your lifetime. As with any relationship, it takes time and effort to keep it going. Your circle of friends will change with life stages - all related to marriage, kids, work, etc.

Fortunately, you have one really close friend (and soon to be husband).

 

[Liesje]

The level of friends you describe will always change during your lifetime. As with any relationship, it takes time and effort to keep it going. Your circle of friends will change with life stages - all related to marriage, kids, work, etc.

Fortunately, you have one really close friend (and soon to be husband).

It's not so much that I'm depressed these people aren't true friends, or that I don't have a lot of friends, I just find myself getting annoyed with their messages and then I begin to wonder what happened because I used to value the friendship and I thought they did too.

I suppose it's just the way I am - I don't feel like I need to spill my guts to the same people every few months. I don't like to talk on and on about myself and what I've been doing; if I have something important to say, I will say it. It's not what I did on my own in the meantime that makes us friends, it's what we will do together. Also I was watching a movie recently and one of the characters said "you know how hard it is for me to need people" and I think that describes me perfectly. I have probably 5 very close friends that will probably always be close friends and most of the time, that's all I need. So when I put a lot of effort into being friends with other people and all I get in return is an e-mail every few months, I feel like it's not worth it.

I think I was surprised at how annoyed I was. I got these really nice e-mails from people I know genuinely care about me, but my reaction was "yeah....whatever" and I could barely bring myself to type two sentences in response. I guess that's why I started the thread, not because I feel like I'm losing friends and it depresses me, but that I was surprised by my own reaction.

 

[VertigoGal]

I think all but maybe 4 of my friends are actually "friends." I don't really care, I honestly don't make much of an effort to become bestest friends with everyone, but it's kind of depressing sometimes. I'm just happy that I have some true friends, though...

 

[Party Boy]

My best friends are 4 guys I grew up with from the age of 4 - nearly 30 years ago back in Irerland. However, as I now live in Canada, and before that, London and Australia, over the past 7/8 years, i probably see them twice a year at most. And that suits our friendship now. I have met people in the intervening years who I probably have more in common with. I mean, if I met these 4 people now, I suspect we wouldnt have much in common - what binds us together is our history rather than the present or future. That said, if anything ever happened, I know they would have my back, and I would have theirs.

As you start to get older, you develop lots of friendships on different levels - some of your best friends you might only see once or twice a month (if even) while you might spend more time with people who are not as close to you. Thats the way life goes I guess. However it does make you appreciate the time you do spend with true friends as its so rare.

 

[Liesje]

As you start to get older, you develop lots of friendships on different levels - some of your best friends you might only see once or twice a month (if even) while you might spend more time with people who are not as close to you. Thats the way life goes I guess. However it does make you appreciate the time you do spend with true friends as its so rare.

Yeah, I guess the part that annoys me is that we DONT live all over the world. We live 5 minutes from each other and work at the same place. I have one friend who I talk to maybe once every six months, but I still consider her my best friend ever and it's totally cool that we can't ever hang out because she's got her things to do and I've got mine. Then I've got these other friends that could easily call me or meet during lunch break, but I get these e-mails that are like "ooooh honey I miss you sooo much you are so awesome and we are SUCH great friends we MUST catch up". Not only that, but then they say "oh well I have this and this and this but maybe I could fit you in for five minute between these two things...". If they "miss me soooo much", why do I have to be scheduled like this frienship they're insisting on maintaining is some kind of appointment? Kinda makes me laugh. Why bother?

 

[lady luck]

Friendship is a strange thing. I had friends when I was at school that I really considered good friends, but then they just faded away and I felt quite used... because I realised the reasone why they pretended to be friends was just that they needed my help. And that's quite annoying!

I have acquitances now, people to just hang out with and having a nice evening out. But these are the people I'm not completely sincere with... I mean, I do not lie, but I just avoid telling some things that are "too personal".

I have some close friends. But the number of people I really considered friends is very limited.

I found it easier to talk about the "too personal things" with complete strangers than with the supposed-to-be-friends

And as you I have a problem in understading why a person that lives a few blocks away feels like it's better to communicate via e-mail when he/she could just pick up the phone and have a beer with me and chat about everything. But I suppose this is partially due to the era we're living in.
It's sad, because I have the impression we're loosing the will and the capability of really communicate...

 

[Carek1230]

People are funny. Friends come and go in our lives. As people are different, no two friendships are alike. I've learned this in my ripe old age as I have had many friendships in my lifetime. Friendships change as we age/mature and as our interests fluctuate through the various stages of our lives. There are many kinds of friends. The true lifetime friends are the ones that are there for one another through thick and thin, no matter what and these are people willing to do anything to help you out. These friendships are gifts and don't need near as much communicating or nurturing and attention as the social friendships. As people come and go through my life and across my paths, I take what I get and enjoy the people and friendships for what they are at the moment realizing nothing lasts forever, and to take things one day at a time. I have very few really good lifetime friends as I've chosen to be independent and sheidl myself from hurt due to some poor choices in friends that have hurt me. Friendships are like baby birds and they need nurturing and care and communication is so important. I've also learned to be honest. If your honesty, when asking a fellow friend what's wrong or telling them your feelings that the friendship/relationship has changed in any way, if they can't take it or are non responsive then to me that is a signal to move on, invest in something or someone else. But don't take things personally because everything is always constantly evolving, including friendships.

I value my friendships though and give of myself too openly and honestly. That's just me.

 

[Party Boy]

Yeah, I guess the part that annoys me is that we DONT live all over the world. We live 5 minutes from each other and work at the same place. I have one friend who I talk to maybe once every six months, but I still consider her my best friend ever and it's totally cool that we can't ever hang out because she's got her things to do and I've got mine. Then I've got these other friends that could easily call me or meet during lunch break, but I get these e-mails that are like "ooooh honey I miss you sooo much you are so awesome and we are SUCH great friends we MUST catch up". Not only that, but then they say "oh well I have this and this and this but maybe I could fit you in for five minute between these two things...". If they "miss me soooo much", why do I have to be scheduled like this frienship they're insisting on maintaining is some kind of appointment? Kinda makes me laugh. Why bother?

Well I would like to think my close friends wouldn't treat me that way. Maybe because you guys only live 5 minutes away from each other is part of the problem. Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.
Maybe instead of trying to catch up with your friends inbetween other things, why not set aside a regular time where you guys get together - something like every Wednesday nights is girls night only - that way, even if it is only once a week, you manage to get some good time together rather than trying to catch 5 minutes here or there?

 

[U2democrat]

I know what you mean, especially when my "friends" have boyfriends, and when they're with me they're always either on the phone with or texting them. It's annoying. Can they not communicate with them for two seconds? You chose to hang out with me so that's what you're gonna do!


Sorry. Venting.

 

[BonosBaby12]

I can honestly count on one hand the number of "true friends' that I have. Personally I prefer it that way because I know I can really count on these people and vice versa. Back in high school I had a lot of friends. But after graduating I found that I only hear from one on a consistent basis. Were best friends in high school and it's remained that way. Lives only half an hour away but sometimes we just can't get together. When we do though than it's like we just saw each other the other day.

Now I have another friend who calls every couple of weeks because I think guilt get's to her. Have been friends with her for many years too but things have changed with us. We are older now and our lifestyles are different. Just some stuff is bound to happen. But yeah I would be upset too if someone claimed to miss me so much than acted another way. My theory is if you have at least one true friend in life than you are really doing something!

 

[Liesje]

If your honest, when asking a fellow friend what's wrong or telling them your feelings that the friendship/relationship has changed in any way, if they can't take it or are non responsive then to me that is a signal to move on, invest in something or someone else. But don't take things personally because everything is always constantly evolving, including friendships.

I think your first sentence is what will happen. However, I think I've had the opposite problem - I HAVENT taken this personally and it's gotten to the point where the so-called friendship is like a joke.

For example, imagine this....one of your best friends/roommate just died so your other "friend" finally manages to schedule time to have dinner with you. You go to her apartment and are just sitting down when her phone rings and she "has to answer because it's important". Then, 1/2 hour later, someone you don't know knocks at the door and invites himself in for the next 45 minutes while you sit there eating your dinner alone. Now it's getting late and your alloted hour is past up so it's time for you to go. Your "friend" says it was a great time and she loves spending time with you especially after what happened with the other friend dying.

That's a true story. At the time, I was so busy with my own shit I didn't really care. It didn't offend me and I didn't take it personally. But now that this "friend" is starting to crop up again, looking back, I find myself smirking and thinking "yeah, right, were we really ever friends?". I think her problem is that she has so many friends, she doesn't really have any friends, if that makes sense. At this point I'm going to consider it her loss and forget about it.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

I think her problem is that she has so many friends, she doesn't really have any friends, if that makes sense.

that does make sense If you have too many acquaintances you run the risk of stretching yourself thin and unable to foster any true friendships. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

I'm sort of in a rut right now (and have been since high school, really) in that I'm surrounded by "friends" and not a single one of which I can say are truly genuine. I try not to let this get to me, but sometimes it really does. I have typically always had atleast 1 or 2 close friends. I've lost touch with all of them. I feel like I'm still trying to figure out who I am (I suppose it's an ongoing process), and at each "stage" that I've gone through, I had a couple of people who I considered close. I have just about given up on calling one of these friends in particular, because each time I do I tire of saying the same things again and again. "Hey, how are you?!? Wow, we never see eachother anymore! We should hang out sometime!" UGH I completely understand how you feel about this. She suggests that it's up to me to call her, since I don't have a cell phone and it's supposedly too difficult to contact me--which I think is a load of crap as there's this device called an answering machine, and yeah--I have one.

The closest friend I've ever had moved away to Pennsylvania even before I started high school. We continued as pen pals for a while, but that eventually came to an end. I miss her and remember that friendship whenever I become fed up with the fact that all I have now are "friends." Ofcourse, then I only get more fed up Anyway, I completely understand your feelings. Friends come and go, sometimes suddenly and unexpectedly. I don't mean to use this as a cop out though--true friendship requires a lot of time and effort.

 

[Lila64]

It all makes sense Liv. Like some have said, friendships come and go. I don't have contact with anyone I went to school with (which was like 20+ years ago). I was never really "close" to anyone in school, that is from junior high on up. I had friends in different circles, and a couple that would keep in touch. But never any deep meaningful hanging out/closeness type of friendship. As I got older, just never had a lot of female friends. Got along better with men (not in that sense!). Then I moved to my current location in '92, and had become friends with the husband/wife across the street. They had 2 teen-age daughters at the time, and we just hit it off. And it was so cool that I could just drop in at any time, hang out, whatever (they are the nicest people & have a million friends). In '98, due to their job situation, they had to sell their house and move to Arizona. We've travelled there a few times to see them, and they still have family here, so on occasion they may be in town (her mom, though, hates if she spends any time with her friends when she does pop into town. She thinks its "her time :grr: ) We talk on the phone every month or two, when we can both find the time. Last year they had a 50th birthday party (combined party for them both). We flew in for 2 nights and the surprise party. Was a blast. Didn't get to spend much one-on-one time. Even the time she spent to take me back to the airport - the mother came along
Anyways... I just miss her dearly, thought I'd get that out there

And I have one other good friend here - and we are on the same wavelength on a lot of subjects. Just not enough hours in the day for us to hang out, though we both understand, and share lots of laughs on the phone, email, etc.



And this past year has been very cool connecting with many people thru Interference, whether it's just online chatting, joking, IMing, PMing, meeting, etc.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Awwwwwwwwww Lila You know Interference has some really great people on here!

 

[Lila64]

 

[anitram]

Sometimes I think most of our "friends" are friends of convenience rather than genuine friends.

For example, as you go through school, you make friends who will be your roommates or your lab partners or who will go out with you or whose house you can hang out at. At work you have your coworkers, some of whom become friends, you'll routinely have lunch with them, you might share rides with them or go shopping after work, etc. But if you move on, leave school or leave your job, 95% of these people are folks you'll never see again and then won't even care that much. Sounds harsh, but it's true. They were there at a point in your life, served their purpose and then you've moved on.

And I've actually noticed the same thing as you - the people who live further away from each other tend to make more of an effort to keep in touch when possible. I work in the hospital with my best friend, on different floors and haven't seen her in at least a month. Meanwhile, my other good friend who is 3 hours away at college makes it a point to chat at least twice a week. I'm not sure why that is - maybe you feel like you don't have to bother when you're nearby?

 

[Got Philk?]

I think her problem is that she has so many friends, she doesn't really have any friends, if that makes sense.

If she's talking about who I think she's talking about, this statement is very true. She is just so nice to all who pass her way, but really can't keep up.

I'm the same way. I even talk nice to the people I don't get along with at all. The thing is, I figured this out about me and really learned to value a good...TRUE friendship when it came along.

 

[Carek1230]

And this past year has been very cool connecting with many people thru Interference, whether it's just online chatting, joking, IMing, PMing, meeting, etc.

I agree with the Interference remark. I have some incredible friends here, completely supportive people some I've met and some I just know thru the boards, PMing, emailing and some on the phone. These are the friendships that mean the most to me. I know they won't last forever but I take them for what they are today and enjoy them to the fullest. For me, I would rather have just a few good friends rather than a LOT of friends.

 

[girlhappy]

Seems to me...friendships are fragile and i unstable. I feel so lonely sometimes.... and i dont know if anyone really cares, or is it just fulfilling needs. I thought about it long time ago, and it was true for most of my friendships, i must say. In my opinion,we should all think of freindship as a high love also.

 

[VicksSs]

Well, towards friendships.. I'm really fecked up in that sense I mean, I guess it's maybe because I'm too young, but something really bad happened with the friends I considered "real friends" a week ago, and although we've had our problems I really feel this means a before and after, if you know what I mean... I guess the hard thing is to do what Carek very wisely says, just accept, that that friendship on which you're relying now won't last forever. I believe accepting this will make you a stronger person, in the end all you have is yourself. But the hard thing is accepting sometimes you are quite alone. I dunno really

 

[JanuaryStar]

It's true...

Everyone feels alone at some point... And if even though you have close friends, you can feel lonely as well..

But anyways, I guess that true friends will stick to you in life.. If not, then they're not real friends I guess.

 

[VicksSs]

^ Yea, that's exactly what I'm going through right now. I got angry at some friends for a particular reason (they didn't call me for something, I mean, there is no way I could have done something wrong in that sense) and we spent more than a whole week at school and they didn't talk to me just because I didn't talk to them... so I guess THAT'S not real friendship...