Everything I Know is Wrong

[Pearl]

I'm having one of those days where I experience total self-doubt and I feel like I could never feel better again. Eventually I do, but this time I'm not so sure.

I feel as though everything I thought I knew about myself is all a lie and a delusion. I thought I had common sense, apparently I don't. I thought I had a good grip on myself, I don't. I thought I was nice and fun, I'm not. I just feel like I've convinced myself of all these good qualities, but they are all delusions and in truth I'm nothing. Well, not nothing, but I'm not what I thought I was. Its like I'm one big lie.

I just don't know where to begin to pick myself up again. I don't want to go back believing that I have those qualities when I probably never did have them anyway. I just don't want to lie to myself anymore, but also don't know where to begin to fix myself. I feel like I have to wear a mask and armor so the whole world won't see the real me. I also wonder if there's honestly anyone out there who really knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Is there ever any hope or is life one big lie?

 

[MsPurrl]

Pearl, as I've grown older I've gone through similar periods of self-doubt. And what I learned is to drop the mask and armor, and be whomever or whatever we are, doing the best we can with what we've got. As Gandalf said to Frodo in "The Lord of the Rings", "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

I just want you to know that you are not alone in this.

Strawberries are getting me through right now.

 

[Pearl]

Thanks Ms. Purrl. Unfortunately I can't let go of my mask or armor because its a competitive nasty world out there and you can't show any weakness. If deluding yourself into thinking you're smart, nice or whatever helps you survive, then you gotta do what you gotta do. But then comes the realization that you are a big fake even to yourself, and everything seems hopeless.

 

[MsPurrl]

Hang in there, sweetie. We all ride the black horse sometimes. Hope things start looking better soon.

 

[Pearl]

Thank you