Dumb, stupid, embarrassing addiction!!

[katiefilete]

Hello, I've been to this board before but only read some posts. This is my first one, and I've not yet told anyone what I'm about to tell you, because I feel so completely stupid about it.

In January 2000 I had a nervous breakdown. I was 22, in college, and working at a crappy cashier job to pay my tuition. Still, I was active and went out with friends constantly. I wish I had seen it coming. I was diagnosed with panic disorder w/ agoraphobia at age 13 (in 1991, a time when the mere mention of mental illness was taboo enough!) and saw a psychologist for a year. My illness soon went (well, what I call) dorment. In January 2000, I collapsed...I quit college and took a leave of absence from work and stopped all contact with my friends...all on the same day.

I was referred to an out-patient program in the mental health unit of the hospital, and was eventually diagnosed with (and I assure you I'm not joking!) Severe Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, Dysthymia, Social Phobia...and characteristics of Manic Depression. I also possibly have ADHD. I take 50mg of Paxil and I thank God for that pill because my panic attacks were obliterated. But before the Paxil I was prescribed Klonopin...which I promptly got hooked on. Somehow through the haze I realized I had to stop (I was taking 3x the recommended dosage every DAY) and so I quit cold turkey. I have no idea on this planet how the hell I pulled it off, the withdrawal was agonizing & the bottle of pills was in the kitchen cupboard. But I never took another pill.

So here we are today and I am hiding my current addiction from everyone. I know how devestated they'd be if they found out because they nursed me through my disorders and Klonopin addiction. I don't want them to go through that again. But mainly I'm ashamed to tell them. I feel so ridiculous about this, and I'm dumbfounded at how I was able to kick Klonopin of all things...and not this.

I am addicted to Nytol. That felt good to finally admit it, but it's totally absurd. I read stories on here about all the hard street drugs and alcohol people are hooked on & fighting (and many having won the fight!), I read the total hell they're going through, and here I am...addicted hopelessly to a $7 bottle of sleeping pills. But it's ruining my life. My energy is sapped, I go to bed with my makeup on, I've gone days without bathing because I'm too high or too tired. I think ahead all the days I'm off work or have free time so I can stay home and get high. On freaking Nytol. I've even phoned in sick at work just so I can take my Nytol. I organize my schedule AROUND my pills. It's all about the pills. When I can take them, when I can't. I am high on them right now.

There are so many things I want to do for the Summer. I don't want to sit here with the curtains drawn and the room dark throughout the day so I can take pills. God, reading that makes me feel so stupid. How in bloody hell did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be ruled by a bottle of pills? But...I am MORTIFIED to stop taking them. Because then you have to face life with your whole self, and if you screw up, it's ALL your fault. I am scared of the responsibilities I'll have when I'm no longer hooked. It's like...I don't want to go it alone. But I want SO BAD to quit. This stuff makes me lethargic, constipates me, gives me headaches, and still I submit to it. WHY?

Is coming in here and talking about my "catastrophic" addiction to #$!%ing !!NYTOL!! just the stupidest thing you've read? Is it even a real addiction? Pleeeeeease, someone tell me there's hope I might get off this stuff. How did you do it? How did you handle the fear of not having that "crutch" anymore? I've cried a few times over this...it's how badly I want to get off of it! Please help!

 

[2morrow]

Seriously, seek help now!!! You said you don't want to put your family through all that again, but your problem is only going to get worse. Think about it in the long-run: How bad will this addiction get in the future? These things don't get better without action...

 

[Angela Harlem]

It's not dumb or stupid, and neither are you. You need to get back to the hospital and speak to your doctor. You keep repeating all the way through this that you are stupid or feel stupid. Is that what you'd say to someone who got themselves caught up in a heroin addiction or some other? Dont hate yourself and be so unfairly hard on yourself either. Your body got addicted to this when it was at its weakest. Your mind allowed you to take them because you needed the effect at the time. The physical addiction being stronger than you at the moment is simply and purely consequntial. You do understand that, dont you?

Anyway, go back to your doctor. You need to. Take it easy, huh.

 

[JCOSTER]

Its not dumb and stupid.....if you had a broken leg you would get it fixed.....so go get this fixed and see someone right away!!!!

I am happy you have a place to get it off your shoulders.

But, please go and seek help again.

 

[Liesje]

Again, you're not dumb and stupid. You've already overcome the first hurdle - recognizing there is a problem and wanting to commit to make a change. Please call a doctor or a hotline for help. You don't deserve to suffer or go through this alone.

 

[redhotswami]

everyone else said it much better than i could have. i just wanna hug you

 

[AtomicBono]

I agree with what others said, you should seek help... and it's not any more or less "stupid" than being addicted to any other kind of drug. If you have the strength to admit you're addicted, then you have the strength to break the addiction. But don't feel like you have to go it alone. Talk to a doctor definitely, but you shouldn't have to feel ashamed to tell your friends. withdrawal will be hard i'm sure, but it might help to have support from those around you.

good luck

 

[I'm Ready]

its not stupid or embarrassing, I'm sure your family would be happy to help you, the key is that you have to tell them

writing about your addiction on the internet is a start, but it won't help you. You need to tell your family and seek a doctor

 

[pgv]

This is not a dumb or stupid addiction. A family member of mine went through this a few years ago, and it was painful for her and everyone around her. But she got help - when she reached out for it, she found lots of people there for her and places to go to get her through it.
I hope you too can get help for this - because if you let it go on too long it will only get worse. I'm sure your family will be very understanding, especially if you have suffered in the past.
And you could just go to a doctor, that is what my relative did, she went in and said 'look, I have this problem, and don't know what to do.' The doctor got straight on to a clinic, where she went a few times a week for about 6 months. Speaking to your family is a start, and then finding someone to talk to and somewhere to go is the next step.
Good luck It was very brave of you to post here, and I hope you can sort everything out.

 

[starsgoblue]

I think everyone else here said it just as I would: you're not stupid or dumb, you realize you need help, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, and

 

[sallycinnamon78]

You're not alone... I've been stuck on them for years. I'm trying to get away from it too.

One thing I can say - you're braver than I am. I've been on this board for over 2 years and I've never told anyone here. I have a lot of respect and admiration for your honesty.

I think other people have given some great advice - I hope we both sort ourselves out. I wish I had something else positive to tell you.