Demons

[dettersree]

So here's my story.

So since the age of 5 I've been bullied. For just about everything it didn't get better at all. People say it gets better and I still haven't seen how because it hasn't. I'm 28 almost 29 now. I never have known my biological father. My mom used to tell me that my other siblings were planned but me and that I was just a big mistake. (She had me at age 14.) I always prefer my grandma over her. My grandmas been there fir me. Anyways my mom got married to my step dad when I was four. Skipping a year I started kindergarten and I didn't want to be there at all. All the other kids would make fun of me for just about everything. I just hated it I was convinced that no one loved me. (I still am) skipping to when I was 12 and starting the 6th grade. everyone still made fun of me. I tried to take my life because it was to much. Because of how people can be cruell. my dog was my best friend. My suicide attempt failed and word got out. Some people started to be nice but not many. most people just thought that I was a suicidal emo with no friends who cut herself. A couple years later in high school I tried again but then again failed.. failed to take my life failed to end the undeniable. College was okay. For the most part. I have bachelors degree in American history. I am a tour guide. So I deal with people. Anyways another reason I'm posting this is because I've started feeling bad again. I feel like I did in school. I mean I don't cut myself or anything any more but still. My demons have gotten the best of me again. Besides the whole suicide thing these people left me with a anxiety disorder and some mental health issues. I just can't take life any more with all of the meds I'm on. I've tried stopping them. I feel like no one loves me still. People ask why I say sorry a lot. It's because of what those monsters in school did to me. They made me fell like an idiot who must apologize for everything. The worst part is is that most of them are still stuck up snobs and like to rub everything in my face. Which doesn't help the anxiety or depression. They don't even know how fucked up I am because of them and the ones that do are now my friends. They help fix the wrong that they caused. but this time I don't think they can help with the thoughts. The best they can do is make sure I don't hurt myself. Or try to commit suicide again....

Thank you for reading. Sorry if I made you feel terrible. I just find that this helps a little bit. But not by much.

 

[dettersree]

Can anyone relate??

 

[corianderstem]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Is there help through your employer, like seeing a counselor through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? Often employers will have a certain number of free sessions available with the program. (And it's confidential.)

You should try to find a professional to talk to, in any case. Hang in there.

 

[dettersree]

Thank you. I've tried counseling I've gotten no where. Yes anti depressants are suppose to work. But for me it's more like a nummer (if that's even a word) like I said talking helps sharing it getting it of my chest but in counseling it doesn't work. It just isn't right. I find that connecting to others hearing more story's knowing I'm nit alone also helps. But I still feel bad. I probably will never get the bad thoughts to go away. My mom thought I was messed up and I tried all this for attention. Because I have three younger siblings. But I wasn't it's just a pain in the but. but To know that I'll probably never be normal again.....I also find it easier to vent with this being a bit more confidential. Because no one know how exactly dettersree is. Plus counselors just don't know what it's like. Or at least mine doesn't....

 

[corianderstem]

Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a counselor who's the right fit for you. Ditto antidepressants - not everything works for everyone, and often it takes multiple tries and multiple doses or combinations of meds.

But of course, every "solution" doesn't work for everybody, and you have to do what's most comfortable for you.

 

[dettersree]

Which is very true at the moment I'm trying to stay on a normal routine and just try to make sure that everyone at least thinks I'm alright.

 

[LadySpinHead]

I would definitely keep trying to find a different therapist. I've seen some excellent ones, and some who were worthless or worse. Life can get better, please try to give it a chance. I've never been exactly in your shoes, but I can imagine the pain you are feeling. I've found that possibly volunteering can help- you put yourself around other giving people, and you're helping those who really need it and appreciate it. Hang in there.

 

[dettersree]

Thank you. I've tried humanitarian work. It made me feel good when I did it I'm also a big supporter of groups like RED ONE Edun etc. I'm always been curious of thing that helps people. I believe that no one should be treated like I have. No one should want to kill them self or feel the way I do now. I may not be in the best position with myself. But I do know that everyone needs to feel loved like someone cares. Growing up I never experienced that. The closest I think I came close to is me EX-fiancee. Which didn't turn out very well....

 

[dettersree]

I don't fell like doing anything like I did back the. I always think it's going to become good again but it doesn't. I just want it stop. I've tried though and I guess that's what counts.... right??

 

[jeevey]

Def keep trying for a new therapist and a prescription that works for you. Also look around you for support groups. And if there are people who are unkind to you that you can possibly cut out of your life, do it. That includes family. Sometimes if people are hurtful you just have to get some distance from them.

Look for people who believe in being kind. In my area that's often mainline faith communities, the more liberal-social justice types of churches. (I'm not a christian, but my experience is that if you walk into a unitarian, quaker, or episcopal church people are generally very kind and have lots of positive-for-the world things going on.) I'm not suggesting that you become a believer, just trying to think of places where you can get to know real live people to support you. Online support is great but not enough!

 

[dettersree]

You are right. I've been to a couple churches. My mom-mom and Opa are still alive. (There 90 something and I'm 29 and they still expect me to go to church.) They have helped a lot the bad part is is they live in Amish country out in Lancaster. It's harder to get a hold of them. My Granny has passed though and she was one of my biggest supporters she passed just before HTDAAB came out. I forgot to mention that u2 seems to put out an album that at least one song or the whole album helps (ie ATYCLB was the whole album. HTDAAB was Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own.) I was actually listing to those two albums and they made me realise a couple things. That I just have to walk on and start letting people in. in to let people support me. I 'll not sure if it was the intention of the album's(more ATYCLB then how to. I find how to more coping with death like Vertigo. Vertigo is a state of extreme dizziness and confusion. That's the feeling I have when a love one passes away confessed about what has happened and a bit dizzy from the crying and emotion. I don't think that was the intention of the song. once again it's just how I interpreted it as. Some times you can't make it is a big one. It's about letting people in and how you need to never ever forget you're loved one's. Forgetting about the bullys and all the bad guys. Anyways I think I'll leave on a bit happy note this time. With one of the songs (STYCMIOYO)

YouTube

 

[Pearl]

When it comes to dealing with the memory of what bullies said and did to you, I've learned to kind of detach myself from it. While I will always be hurt that my peers were so mean to me, I now say to myself, "that was 10 - 20 years ago. That was then, live for today and the future".

I deal with a lot of anxiety too, particularly social anxiety. It's not easy for me to relax because I am convinced I am not saying the right words or have the right attitude - special thanks to all the harsh criticism I've had in my life. My advice is to continue with the medication, and shop around for a good therapist because they do exist. You say you live in Seattle, so there should be anxiety support groups around.

Be strong - you're going to make it

 

[dettersree]

Thank you all. I just had a talk with my band mates and we decided it would be best to take a bit of a break until I get better they also said that they'd help find a therapist. It helps that the bassist and his girlfriend are my house mates. They said they would keep an eye on me And I make sure I stay doing what I'm supposed to.

 

[jeevey]

That's super. It's great that you've got supportive people in the house with you.

 

[dettersree]

Yes and a bit of naggers to but all is well with them. They convinced me to leave the house and go to the beach. Where we met the rest of the band and had a bit of a meeting and then they pushed me into the lake. Good thing it was 85° outside. But the lake was 50°…

 

[dettersree]

I decided to get out some stress and anxiety by writing a fan fiction. Even though the first one was terrible and I don't think any one liked the 2 one. Also my conventions are terrible and the first chapter is rather short. But it distracts me from the bad. So I decided to post it. http://www.u2interference.com/forums/f231/love-comes-tumbling-215519.html#post7659653 hopefully it isn't to terrible.
Let me know if anyone is interested in another chapter or helping out with the story.