Galeongirl
Galeonbroad
let's see if you can even get close to me. If I stretch out my arms you won't get anywhere. Don't try me, I have plenty of experience with Kaf comin' after me!
Dating: easier for men or women?
- Thread starter joerags
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
- Status
let's see if you can even get close to me. If I stretch out my arms you won't get anywhere. Don't try me, I have plenty of experience with Kaf comin' after me!
corianderstem
Blue Crack Distributor
Purplereign
Loungeroom Dancing Queen
short people shall inherit the earth . . . so look out anyone over, 
, I dunno 5'5" I say 
, I dunno 5'5" I say 
ryancoke71
ONE love, blood, life
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2009
- Messages
- 14,641
Oh Oh....
Edge_Orchestra
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
lauramullen
Blue Crack Distributor
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2002
- Messages
- 52,111
That is what happened to me and this was a great friend. To stop talking to him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Ditto.
Even though time has passed and I've mercifully crossed that elusive threshold of acceptance that this is how things have to be, I have moments when I feel that I'm still learning to live without him in my life.
financeguy
ONE love, blood, life
Ok. I initially typed up a response describing a similar experience to yours and then sort of chickened out of posting it. But I also think that you, like me, take this stuff a little bit too seriously at times. I know all too well that more-or-less instant attraction exists and have experienced it myself, but I don't know that it's healthy to put women on a pedestal. Does that make sense?
financeguy
ONE love, blood, life
Unfortunately I know the feeling, too. I've gotten past the point of learning to live without her in my life, thankfully, but I will always have deep regrets from that period of my life. I wish I had been wise enough to have cut her off a couple years before I finally did.
lauramullen, anitram, Diemin, I think I'm in the same situation as you guys were. How long were your friendships for, and after that how long were the relationships for, and then at what point did you finally cut them off, and how long after cutting them off did it take to fully recover?
I was best friends with this girl for about 6 months, and then we dated for 3 months, in a very messy relationship. We've been attempting to be friends for the last year with an on and off relationship, but I need to get out for good.
I was best friends with this girl for about 6 months, and then we dated for 3 months, in a very messy relationship. We've been attempting to be friends for the last year with an on and off relationship, but I need to get out for good.
Galeongirl
Galeonbroad
Recover? Oh, in my experiences if you start dating a friend and break up, your friendship will NEVER recover. It's like telling your best friend you love him. Just. Not. Gonna. Work.
In order: 4 years, about 15 months, and I didn't really have to cut him off in the sense that we no longer live in the same place so that kind of did the job for me. When you know with 100% certainty that you won't see the person on any given day or that they won't be at a house party of a mutual friend, etc, then it's a lot different than if they are still physically present in your life. I still have (very) sporadic contact with him and to be honest I probably don't need that either. But it took me about 5-6 months before I got to the point where I effectively had no contact with him. I should also say that I also had the benefit of being able to pick myself up and leave for almost 3 months and traipse around the world. Not everyone has that opportunity and without it I have no doubt that I'd be in a much worse place emotionally even today. On top of it I have a busy job that keeps me in the office for long hours almost 7 days a week on a regular basis and when you're busy you don't have time for a lot of emoting.
I wish you the best of luck; in my experience, cutting the person out is the best thing you can do. It's just hard because even long after things are over in your head and heart it's difficult to accept the notion of them being completely out of your life forever. Thing is, everything is possible with time and as the months pass you find that living without them is the new normal and it's absolutely fine and life is still good.
We were close friends for 11 years before we dated. Spent 6 of those years in separate states, so it's fair to say I put her up on a pedestal and glossed over several rather glaring flaws in my pining for her. Moved back to the same state after college and had a long distance relationship of about 8 months (when I discovered she was essentially giving her ex another try while I wasn't in town). I foolishly tried to keep the friendship alive for another couple years before cutting her out of my life. It probably took a couple years afterwards before I was comfortable enough in my own skin to date without getting paranoid about things turning south as they had in that relationship.
When I signed up for facebook a couple years ago, she was the first one to send me a friend request. I ignored it for a while, then she kept sending it, finally with a message to the tune of "I'm sorry for whatever I did" (like she couldn't remember...). After a little drama, I accepted but kept it to small talk. After a couple weeks of realizing I had nothing I wanted to talk to her about, and really had no interest in sharing any interesting bits of my life with her, I basically did everything but de-friend her (she doesn't see my status on her wall, I don't see hers, etc), and recently de-friended her.
Obviously I had a lot more history than you have with this girl, but if you really want to get over the thing, it's best to cut off contact for a while, in my opinion. Trying to maintain a friendship while there are still unresolved feelings about the relationship is like trying to let a scar heal while constantly picking at it.
No spoken words
Blue Crack Supplier
Just saw this now.
Nice.
Anitram, Diemen, Laura and anyone else that has a friendship dissolve because of romantic complications, I most definitely empathize. Been there, and it's almost doubly hurtful. Sorry you've had to experience that, too.
redhotswami
Blue Crack Addict
No worries at all!
Thanks for clarifying.
And you are right, we do have the same issue sometimes with taking this stuff a bit too seriously
I will just say that if in my post describing my experience, it appeared as if I was putting this girl on a pedestal, I was not.
Maybe the nervousness thing indicated that, but I see that as more of an internal issue with me(as it happens in interaction with everyone I am attracted to) than as an issue with the particular girl being put on a pedestal.
romi
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
I have a question for the people who will not date people who they consider their freinds. When you end your relationship with other people, do you think, "well, at least that person was not a friend?" just curious...
kafrun
Blue Crack Addict
trojanchick99
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
Way late to the thread, but to answer Romi, it's not that you say that at least they aren't a friend, it's that you don't have to break up twice. It's pretty much impossible to remain friends with someone after you've broken up. I'm sure it can happen, but I know of no real life examples.
As for whether it's harder for men or women, I don't really know. I find it difficult in LaLa land sometimes because well it's LA. I should really try the Online thing but have just never really pulled the trigger.
As for whether it's harder for men or women, I don't really know. I find it difficult in LaLa land sometimes because well it's LA. I should really try the Online thing but have just never really pulled the trigger.
romi
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
But don't you become friends with someone when you start dating? So when the relationship ends you lose them as a friend as well?
kafrun
Blue Crack Addict
I can only speak from experience, but all three of the "signifigant" men in my life were friends before lovers. The only one I cut off was the first and he will never be allowed back in my life. For me personally, it all comes down to a matter of maturity and respect.
redhotswami
Blue Crack Addict
Don't deny your undying love for him!
kafrun
Blue Crack Addict
But you are still only friends with that person in the context of the relationship. So all your memories as friends and lovers come from a time when you were a couple.
With somebody who is a friend, you have a long history of friendship before you ever got together. In my case, he was one of my closest friends whom I had long talks with, went to the movies, hung out as a group, partied together, studied together, etc. All these things were completely separate from us being a couple and I just loved having him as a friend. So when you break up with that person, you still remember your years of friendship and suddenly you don't have that anymore. With somebody that you started dating before you were friends, there is no such history.
BoMac
Self-righteous bullshitter
Bingo.
Thanks, Mike. Sorry you've been there as well.
lauramullen
Blue Crack Distributor
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2002
- Messages
- 52,111
Exactly.
- Status
Similar threads
