Dating: easier for men or women?

[BoMac]

Next up:

BoMac and Kaffy tie the knot. Cannot wait!

Also next up: The Cubs win the World Series, the Leafs win the Stanley Cup, 38C (100F) weather in January in Canada, and U2 acknowledges Pop's existence.

 

[lauramullen]

Thanks NSW.

Thst is always a problem I seem to have. I guess I should just appear unconfident so that other guys will stay away.

 

[No spoken words]

It's all about confidence.

I have to disagree here. Confidence is important but shy people date, too. And too much confidence is a turn off for a lot of people.

It's not all about any one thing, plus, you can be as confident as you like but if you're an idiot, or unkind, or unfunny, or jealous, or clingy, or any number of things, your confidence in yourself is not just unjustified but useless.

 

[BoMac]

you can be as confident as you like but if you're an idiot, or unkind, or unfunny, or jealous, or clingy, or any number of things, your confidence in yourself is not just unjustified but useless.

How do you explain Elfa having a wife then?

 

[No spoken words]

Thanks NSW.

Thst is always a problem I seem to have. I guess I should just appear unconfident so that other guys will stay away.

No problem, and, as problems go, this is a good problem to have.

I should also say here that I'm posting in this thread a lot and so I hope it does not come across like I deem myself to be some sort of expert. I really don't know any more or less than anyone else, I just have had my own experiences, have a lot of friends in many different stages of happiness as it pertains to this topic, and of course I have a big mouth. So, forgive me if I'm sounding like I think I'm an authority, I'm so very obviously not.

 

[RedRocksU2]

I see your point, Mike.

 

[lauramullen]

I think my confidence is right in the middle. I don't have too much or too little.

 

[No spoken words]

How do you explain Elfa having a wife then?

Uberbeaver has a wife and 2 kids, BoMac. Some things defy explanation.

 

[Purplereign]

No problem, and, as problems go, this is a good problem to have.

I should also say here that I'm posting in this thread a lot and so I hope it does not come across like I deem myself to be some sort of expert. I really don't know any more or less than anyone else, I just have had my own experiences, have a lot of friends in many different stages of happiness as it pertains to this topic, and of course I have a big mouth. So, forgive me if I'm sounding like I think I'm an authority, I'm so very obviously not.

well I was beginning to think you were on overheated windbag mahself



strangely you have been a voice of reason . . .now what is with that

I think my confidence is right in the middle. I don't have too much or too little.

you're perfect

 

[No spoken words]

When I was in my teens and all through my 20's, I had very little, if any confidence, when it came to dating. I had many female platonic friends, and not even in that "I hope they want to date me one day" sort of way, so I could talk to women.....I just had trouble summoning up the nerve to ask them out. Which was sort of interesting because in all other respects, I was (and remain) a pretty confident guy, be it towards academics, professionally, etc.

For whatever reason, when I crossed into my 30's, 2 things happened. My confidence grew, but more importantly, my fear of rejection significantly abated. It just didn't matter to me if someone turned me down, politely or otherwise. What was the big deal? And after that, things got a lot easier for me. I didn't go on a dating rampage but my attitude towards the whole thing, as well as my enjoyment of it and success, jumped.

 

[lauramullen]

Thanks

 

[No spoken words]

strangely you have been a voice of reason . . .now what is with that

I have my moments.

 

[corianderstem]

I took me awhile, but I finally did and I know everyone else will too.

Here's where I am these days: I would love to find someone to share my life with. Maybe that means marriage, maybe it's a long-term commitment without the legal bits. But if I don't find that someone, that's okay, too. I'm not going to allow my happiness to be contingent upon that.

And when I have my brief moments of whinging self-pity ("Why am I single? Wahhhh!"), I remind myself "It's because you never go anywhere, you dumbass."

I think I'm reasonably confident, but tend to either be oblivious if a guy is flirting with me (I just assume he's being friendly and has no plans on asking me out), or I clam up completely. I know this is something I need to work on if I do want to "put myself out there."

Time to start putting an effort into it again, I think.

 

[Purplereign]

Thanks

anytime lovely

I have my moments.

Here's where I am these days: I would love to find someone to share my life with. Maybe that means marriage, maybe it's a long-term commitment without the legal bits. But if I don't find that someone, that's okay, too. I'm not going to allow my happiness to be contingent upon that.

And when I have my brief moments of whinging self-pity ("Why am I single? Wahhhh!"), I remind myself "It's because you never go anywhere, you dumbass."

. . . I love your attitude . . . every state of being has it's moments of sheer

 

[lauramullen]

Here's where I am these days: I would love to find someone to share my life with. Maybe that means marriage, maybe it's a long-term commitment without the legal bits. But if I don't find that someone, that's okay, too. I'm not going to allow my happiness to be contingent upon that.

And when I have my brief moments of whinging self-pity ("Why am I single? Wahhhh!"), I remind myself "It's because you never go anywhere, you dumbass."

Great attitude.

 

[joerags]

Hey Joe, so what was the purpose of the thread? For advice? Just wondering.

Just to get people's perspectives and thoughts about dating and asking people out, from both a male and female point of view.

I expressed my thoughts on this, which kind of reflected my own struggles with trying to date and find a girlfriend.

I just want to get people's thoughts on the whole concept of courting, being courted.

I wanted to make this thread thought-provoking, especially for single people.

 

[BoMac]

Uberbeaver has a wife and 2 kids, BoMac. Some things defy explanation.

Apparently.

 

[ryancoke71]

Also next up: The Cubs win the World Series, the Leafs win the Stanley Cup, 38C (100F) weather in January in Canada, and U2 acknowledges Pop's existence.

 

[Edge_Orchestra]

Here's where I am these days: I would love to find someone to share my life with. Maybe that means marriage, maybe it's a long-term commitment without the legal bits. But if I don't find that someone, that's okay, too. I'm not going to allow my happiness to be contingent upon that.

And when I have my brief moments of whinging self-pity ("Why am I single? Wahhhh!"), I remind myself "It's because you never go anywhere, you dumbass."

I think I'm reasonably confident, but tend to either be oblivious if a guy is flirting with me (I just assume he's being friendly and has no plans on asking me out), or I clam up completely. I know this is something I need to work on if I do want to "put myself out there."

Time to start putting an effort into it again, I think.

I have been guilty of being oblivious of girls that were 'interested' in me.

That has been the funniest bit about the rise of facebook for me. There have been a few girls that I knew back in school that have said "why didn't you ask me out back in high school". Heck, I didn't realize it was an option! Back then I probably sold myself out a bit short and didn't have the confidence to think that these girls were even remotely interested in me.

I've joked with them, that this was information I could have used 25+ years ago - and before they got married and started families. But yeah... Key is to not sell yourself short. Be confident but not cocky. Be possitive and that should attract possitive. And for fecks cake, don't think you can fix or change someone. I've been down that road and it only brings heartache and disappointment.

 

[financeguy]

I have to disagree here. Confidence is important but shy people date, too. And too much confidence is a turn off for a lot of people.

It's not all about any one thing, plus, you can be as confident as you like but if you're an idiot, or unkind, or unfunny, or jealous, or clingy, or any number of things, your confidence in yourself is not just unjustified but useless.

Lack of confidence is not quite the same thing as social introversion but I will now contradict my post on the first page and agree with you that there is too much focus on the confidence thing. For example, I think some people can fake confidence quite convincingly.

 

[financeguy]

Just to get people's perspectives and thoughts about dating and asking people out, from both a male and female point of view.

I expressed my thoughts on this, which kind of reflected my own struggles with trying to date and find a girlfriend.

I just want to get people's thoughts on the whole concept of courting, being courted.

I wanted to make this thread thought-provoking, especially for single people.

I would stand by my advice the last time you posted in a similar vein, which is to approach it laterally, e.g., take up a new hobby, take a few months off to go travelling, etc. I know you're getting tired of hearing this, but the issue some of us have with your posts is that you don't seem to be taking on board any advice offered.

 

[kafrun]

True, but a lot depends on the level of the involvement by the other parent. In my case, my kids were totally abandoned by their birth father so naturally Rick took over and IS their dad. On the other hand, his kids have a mom, so it was a very fine line to walk as far as discipline and big decisions were concerned. You have to be involved but not "too" involved to where you are stepping on the other parent's toes. It's a hard balance, especially with teenagers. It calls for a lot of compromise and sometimes being the bigger the person.

to all this. Pretty much what I wanted to say.

In my case, I was grown when my parents split and eventually re-married, but I still had two young brothers that needed to be raised. My step-father does his best to walk that fine line, but he's very much involved in all of our lives and I consider him a second father. My step-mother, on the other hand, never had kids and is not really the maternal type, so we have a nice relationship, but she's never taken a parental role in our lives. That being said, she knows she married a man with five children, so she steps back and let's him fulfill that role.

Next up:

BoMac and Kaffy tie the knot. Cannot wait!

Thanks for the nightmares. I'll send you my therapy bill.

It's not all about any one thing, plus, you can be as confident as you like but if you're an idiot, or unkind, or unfunny, or jealous, or clingy, or any number of things, your confidence in yourself is not just unjustified but useless.

Well, if you're truly confident, you won't tend to be unkind, jealous, or clingy. An idiot, though, that can happen either way.

 

[Edge_Orchestra]

Well, if you're truly confident, you won't tend to be unkind, jealous, or clingy. An idiot, though, that can happen either way.

True.

 

[No spoken words]

Well, if you're truly confident, you won't tend to be unkind, jealous, or clingy. An idiot, though, that can happen either way.

I don't really agree here at all, but that's ok. I know plenty of confident people who are less than kind. They can absolutely be mutually exclusive. I suppose that true confidence might preclude the other two to a certain extent, but not the kindness factor.

financeguy - You're right, it might have been a poor distinction, but I was trying to go for something simplistic and that seemed the broadest way to go about it. And definitely agreed that confidence can, and is, often faked. And, sadly, some people buy it.

 

[lauramullen]

My main problem is that I'm shy around people I don't know. It takes a lot for me to approach someone I have never met before and start talking to them. Most of the time when I got asked out was because they approached me first or we were friends before we went out. If I ever had the option to date someone who was my friend first, I would say no, because it has ruined some great friendships.

 

[romi]

this is a very interesting thread!

Confidence is a large part of finding someone for yourself. In high school, I looked pretty good and was very in shape, but when it came to girls, I had very little. I could talk to the ones I didn't have a crush on, no problem. But the ones I did, I didn't talk to. Since college, I have not looked nearly as good, but I become more confident of myself, and girls have actually been drawn to me.

I also agree with Laura that once you are in a relationship, you have more interest shown your way. I'm sure it's because the other sex sees that you're taken and assumes you have done something great to get there.

But not everyone is drawn to other confident people. I'm not, at least it;s not something I look for first, second or third... I think that confidence is mostly what gets you to feel good about yourself and gets you the courage to talk to others.

 

[romi]

If I ever had the option to date someone who was my friend first, I would say no, because it has ruined some great friendships.

That's kind of opposite of me. I've never even considered going out with someone I didn't already know as a friend. Doesn't have to be a great friend, but you have to know there's something there besides how he/she looks.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

The two times that I crossed the line with dating a friend turned out to be a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea but still went there. I do not talk to him anymore.

 

[U2387]

Of course it makes sense.

All people want to date someone they find attractive, that's human nature.....but what people deem to be attractive varies wildly, and certainly your personality/charisma/sense of humor can alter the way you are perceived as well.

Bottom line is nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you sit at home all night whining about how women don't like you, yet you never even try to ask one out, well, you reap what you sow.

Its been said by others in this thread, but this is just really, really good!

Definitely can relate to what you say about perceptions of "attractive" varying.

For me, I have to be physically attracted to a girl to consider dating/becoming physically intimate with her.

But 2 things really, really need to be qualified here:

Both reinforce what you said in your awesome and concise post! I struggle to be concise, let me show everyone now!

1.)A girl can be as attractive as she wants, hell she can look like this girl who I actually had a class with: Barstool Sports: Barstool Local Smokeshow of the Day (Laura)

But if they are psychotic or their personalties turn me off, if they are stuck up bitches or are users or cheaters, I wouldn't consider them.

In the case of the linked girl, she is a certifiable psychotic! Not that I would care in the extremely unlikely scenario she jumped on me, but to date her or get to know her- no thank you! A friend of mine dated her in high school, broke up with her and to make him feel bad, she told him she was dying of a brain tumor!!!

2.)Some girls can just turn me on and make me want to know more immediately, and they are not always the ones that look like our crazy above. Granted, like I said in the opening, I have to find them attractive and my taste is not much different than that of most guys my age. I may have even higher standards than most when it comes to attraction, just because so many people, often random strangers, tell me constantly how attractive they think I am. I lack confidence, but I think I have some market power so to speak.

I'll never forget a gorgeous early September day in 2008 at school in Vermont. I was walking from class to work at the library, probably with Streets or In God's Country stuck in my head. Certainly not thinking about meeting someone. I walk in the doors to the library, and right in front of me working at the desk is a co worker I am meeting for the 1st time. She had her head turned toward the older supervisor laughing and flirting a bit with him, and I immediately felt extremely attracted to her. Something just clicked between the time I saw her and when we introduced ourselves, a matter of 30 seconds maximum!! It was an unbelievable sensation, Bono might say it was out of control- I had no control over it whatsoever.

Over the semester, this girl sensed that I was attracted to her and got pretty excited that a senior guy was into her(a sophomore at the time) and she returned it pretty strongly. She told one of her friends she thought I was cute, smart and had gorgeous blue eyes. We talked a lot at work, had a lot of fun, but it never went further than good conversation. In part because I lack confidence and in part because we did not work together 2nd semester.

Its strange, whenever I talked to a guy friend who knew her, they would shrug and say "yeah, she's cute" and move on to talking about the Red Sox, other girls or the upcoming Presidential election. I on the other hand was super attracted to her, and had the same nervousness in interactions with her as I did with the most attractive women I have had crushes on.

Again, don't get me wrong here, she was definitely cute, in reasonably good shape and many women have even given her their reserved for Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie "pretty" compliment. But she was not a knock out by any means except in my eyes.

I never felt that kind of connection that fast- before or since, and it was what ultimately formed my rock solid opinion that this attraction stuff is extremely strange and largely involuntary. There is no way a girl a bit more attractive than this girl would have made the same connection with me in those same 30 seconds had said hypothetical girl been in the library that afternoon. I don't know what the hell did it for me with her, but something clicked.


Caroline(name changed to protect the innocent) lived out on Cape Cod and was the daughter of a Police Chief down there. I still think of her often, and I still can't, no matter how many times I run it through my head, figure out what made me so attracted to her so quickly that afternoon 2 years ago.........As for the psycho girl in the link and many other more attractive girls I knew, they never cross my mind at all, even in the most idle moments!



Joerags, hang in there. Though I struggle with dating just like you do, I hope my story has illustrated an important point to you!

Everyone here participating

Awesome thread!!

All of you have great insight.

Go download that 1992 Zoo TV indoor Tacoma bootleg with the famous "One" performance on it! Listen to Bono say at the beginning of "Trying To Throw..." that he "reckons we've got the noisiest, as well as the most intelligent rock and roll fans on the planet."

As much as I argue with people here, we all argue, and I often take it overboard, Bono could not have been any more correct!

I don't envision a Van Halen or Motley Crue forum producing anywhere near this level of intelligent discussion!!

 

[romi]

great post above

Sometimes you have no control who you are attracted to, and no matter what others see, you see something different there.