Crippling fear of social situations and a severe guilt complex

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UnforgettableLemon

UnforgettableLemon

Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Joined
Oct 2, 2000
Messages
7,283
Location
Lansdale, PA
I really just hate myself right now. And the thing is there's really nothing wrong and I KNOW that. But knowing something and feeling something are a good bit different, if that makes any sense. Colleen and I have seen each other every day for the last week, and it's been great every time. But we went back to the house on campus where she's staying, and the other girls in the house were having a party. So we stayed in her room talking, only venturing into the party once. I started to dance, then wanted to just crawl up in a corner. I just don't do social situations. I was fine in her room, but after we went out around her friends, I froze up for the rest of hte night. Then I got scared that my behavior might be somehow insulting to her and got really apologetic. And I'm really annoying when I'm saying "I'm sorry" every five seconds. I just don't want to be boring or a burden, but the only way I can get involved in a party is to drink, and I had to drive back to my dorm, not to mention I'm an RA and if I was drunk on campus I would be royally fucked. But I didn't want to keep her from having a good time, and at the same time didn't want to leave because I love being around her so much. I've also got this intense fear of running out of things to say. It's not so much a fear of awkward silences, but that I don't have anything interesting to offer anyone when the small talk stops. I really just don't know. I've been moping around my room and crying all day, I talked to her very briefly on the phone, but she has a major paper to get working on, so the conversation didn't really go anywhere. The point is, I know how silly it all is, but it leaves me feeling so fucking defeated even though I know it's all in my mind. Sheesh. Sorry to bother you guys.
 
I'm kind of like you. I would much rather spend time talking with one person than trying to 'look cool' around alot of people. I don't go to parties very often because I just don't like the atmosphere. :shrug:

I like you alot though, UL! :hug:
 
thanks, I think another problem is that I when I fall for someone, I fall hard and fast. She's got a big fear of commitment, and I'm terrified that it's going to be a major source of conflict at some point
 
Also, I guess I'm emotionally more high maintenance than most guys, and no one has ever really had the patience for me.
 
In some ways, maybe. But I think I understand why it happens. I'm really clingy and have a fear of abandonment, and tend to overcompensate by being overattentive. I know that can be a bit annoying, but I just can't seem to let it go. I'm not a jealous guy at all. It's just I find someone's company I enjoy being in, and then feel like I have to be in it. Even going for 3 years at a time being single, I've never really felt like a whole person on my own. Sorry for being so stubborn about things
 
:hug:

one thing i love about this place is that i know i'm not the only socially phobic person out there. not that it's a good thing, but it's comforting to know i'm in good company.

UL, you sound full of doubt, kind of like you can't believe Colleen is actually with you. take a deep breath, she's with you because she likes who you are as a person. just be yourself, there's no need to apologize for that. and try not to worry so much about what could go wrong in the future--if things are good now, sit back and enjoy. you deserve it.

you get bonus points in my book for not being afraid to admit you have feelings. :up:
 
Like dandy said, you get bonus points for admitting you've got feelings. :hug:

I think you're a great guy, Jason (from what I know of you here), and Colleen is lucky to have you. As for how you're feeling, I'm in agreement with dandy (again, lol) that you are spending time with her after being apart from her again for so long, that in a way it may seem overwhelming. I was in a LDR for 2 years, and when we would get to see each other I definitely felt like I didn't want to be away from his side, even for a second, because it had been such a long time since the last time.

It'll be alright, hang in there. :hug:
 
Hmmm........

Just don't be afraid to work on your confidence. Undeserstand you deserve things like everyone else does....


But yeah, I've had that problem. For me, it's because I've had few permanent and lasting realtionships, and well, according to my zodiac sign- Taurus, I crave things like that; stability. And there is a great insecurity that comes with that craving.

But hey, do you know how many guys have never even been alone in a room with a girl? So, don't think your too bad.

And, for a little harshness, because your girl is so up in the air about commitments, the apologizing all the time isn't going to help. Try to accent your strong points and convince her your worth the choosing. Don't forget, you;re a very important person, and that there is only one of you, and lot's of other people in the world. Well, basically, like before, work on your confidence.

But just remember, you're not neccesarily wrong for being emotional and having feelings, that's just part of you. You just have to find someone who respectst that properly, and then deal with compromises.


(sorry, this is a really choppy post, but I 'll write more later, because I've been in similar situations,....)
 
Oh yeah..... and, learn how to sing. Or more so, how to sing with volume. Don't worry about how you sound, but, I can imagine you as being a good singer.

I'll explain what I mean later. Just learn how to be comfortable with singing songs you like a lot (like a U2 song!). It will help...
 
I think I know how you feel, UL...you seem like a cool guy here. I am not good in social situations either...better one on one. I've always thought of myself as over-emotional (especially for a guy)...maybe that's what drew me to U2...the emotion in the music.
 
I think what it boils down to is a severe fear of abandonment. I never know how much attention is enough or how much is too much, and I'm scared that I'm going to go too much either way and screw things up. Ultimately it's good to be aware of these things, but not to obsess over them. I was briefly better today, went for a long walk and all that. But the bit of talking we've done has been brief and I'm not sure what to make of it. Or if I even should make anything of it. Sigh.
 
aw, you guys are so sweet

There's nothing wrong w/ a guy being "overemotional" or anything else you guys think is a problem.

It might become a problem in certain situations, but overall I think it's positive and I like a guy who is open about that stuff.

I think many people have fear of abandoment, but being aware of it and working on it is good. Like you said, trying not to obsess on it :)
 
Also, is it weird that it makes me feel really tingly (in a good way) to see on her away message "off to Karen's (her twin), and then to Jason's" followed by a smiley face? Things like that make me feel really good. :)
 
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