Communication issue...

[Liesje]

One of my ex-professors and I are more like friends than teacher-student. We e-mailed a bit during the fall semester to keep in touch. Previously, the last I heard from her was around Christmas because her dad died very unexpectedly on Dec. 23. She didn't respond for a while and I recently found out it was because her college address doesn't work because she's not a prof anymore. She quit teaching in Feb. pretty much the second she learned her baby daughter has leukemia. She basically called the college and said she wasn't coming back. A friend of mine put us back in touch and now I feel really quilty because she's asking me all these questions about my life and the great and exciting things that are happening to me, when I know her dad died, now her baby is sick, and even both her dogs had to have surgery. I don't know what to write back because I don't want to ignore the issue with her daughter, but I don't know how to talk about it. I don't want to upset her. I don't have kids so I don't know what it's like to bring a baby to the hospital every few weeks, knowing they're going to inject her with a poison that will make a seemingly healthy child violently ill. I also feel quilty answering her questions because my life sounds great and hers is total shit.

So yeah, I guess pray for her if you're the praying type. Or if you've been in this situation before, please help me out with what to say back so that I can communicate that I care, but not say something stupid that will make her sad. Sometimes I hate e-mail b/c it's impossible to tell if she's telling me about this because she wants to talk about it, or because she just needs to make sure I know about it.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

LivLuv, don't feel guilty about the fact that your life is going well... you come across as a very sincere, loving person. E-mail, telephone, in person, whatever--I'm sure that this will come across in your communication.

This is a tough spot... I would suggest that you simply express your condolences, and not go into detail about your exciting situations. I can't say that I've been in this situation before, but I do pray from time to time, and I will definately pray for this situation

It sounds like your friend/prof has had a lot of problems happen in a short period of time. Perhaps you should express your concern before updating her on your wonderful news.

Is she asking you about your life via e-mail? regardless, I would definately express my concern for her problems prior to informing her of your recent events.

I'm not sure if my post actually helped any, but I sincerely hope that all goes well. As a Mass Communication major, I realize that communication can be a very complex issue! Good luck

 

[BonosSaint]

Sometimes when people's lives are in turmoil, they like a bit of normalcy. Looks like maybe she needs that from you. You don't need to discuss what's going on in her life in great detail. Just ask her how she's holding up, how her daughter's doing. She'll tell you what she wants to.

Don't ignore her.

 

[indra]

Your friend is asking about what is going on in your life so I do think she really does want to know. You don't need to gush on and on about things, but I imagine she doesn't want to be completely cut off from all contact with people she knows either.

I have a friend who is dealing with a lot of problems lately including a serious medical condition both his identical twin daughters have, and the sudden death of a good friend of his.

Now I don't have children either, but it's not hard to realise he's frightened and upset. I think what I said when I first talked to him after finding out about his girls was something like "I can only imagine what you are feeling, but I'm so sorry and am thinking of you and your girls." We talked a little bit about what they were facing and all -- I think it helped to be able to talk to someone about it. To be able to voice his fears. And when I talk to or email him I always make sure to either ask about the girls or to say I hope they are doing well, and am keeping you all in my thoughts.

And with his friend who just died...I expressed my condolences and offered support when he was worried about the eulogy he was supposed to give. What I told him about that is valid for you too -- you don't need to be perfect. It just needs to be heartfelt and honest.

And keep it up too. Don't just say it once and then drop it (unless she tells you to). When my mum died a couple of years ago this same guy offered his condolences when he heard the news, and then every so often would ask how I was doing and sometimes would talk about how he felt when his father died years before. He's one of the few people who still asks, and it means a lot to me that he remembers and cares. So I'm trying to return that kindness.

And I think your friend will appreciate your concern now.

Hope that helped a bit.

 

[Mr. BAW]

I'd be inclined to write back and be honest about how wonderful or NOT your life is...maybe she wants to hear something good from you, after all, you were her student; I really don't suspect that she wants to hear that anyone is doing just as bad or worse than her so be honest...

Along those lines, I REALLY HATE IT when, at Christmas, I receive letters from former co-workers and a particular family member who write about what a fantastic year they've had and what they've done....I've never prescribed to writing those types of yearly contact letters; from my point of view its a pompous effort to say, "look at me, look at me!"

I really don't think they would want to read how my life is going...it would really open their eyes, 'nuff said..good luck, Lies....

 

[nbcrusader]

A humble response of your life changes and challenges is entirely appropriate. The parts that are going well are a blessing, but there are some challenges as well.

Mr. BAW highlights the skill that is needed in this type of letter - describing the joyous things in your life without being a bragging, self-centered piece.

Between your trip to Africa, the questions you face with jobs, moving, etc. and the assorted challenges of planning a wedding, and I think you can reveal your current state of life in a positive way - and it may give her joy to hear this from you.