Blown away b/c it's someone I know

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FitzChivalry

FitzChivalry

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I don't want to go into all the details, for my friend's privacy sake, but I'm just overwhelmed right now and every time I think about it I get tears in my eyes.

My friend just called me last night to let me know that her husband was arrested on numerous counts of sex with a minor. He's a high school teacher and apparently a former student is making all these allegations. He says he didn't do it, my friend believes him.

I just feel so bad for her. I was in their wedding. I was his groomsman! They've been together for about 12 or 13 years and they've been married for 7. They have a beautiful little 4 year old son.

I don't want to believe that he did these things, but the way the investigation and arrest took place, well, it doesn't bode well.

I just can't wrap my head around, IF, IF it's true, why he would risk so much for . . . my God, I just can't even digest this news. I feel so bad for my friend. She was just crying and crying on the phone with me and all I could say was, "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. If there's anything I can do, let me know." And that sounds so cliche, so trite. I don't know.

This just blows my mind because I know him, and I love my friend and I just feel so bad. I think about it and tears just well up in my eyes.

I really don't even know why I'm posting this on here. Well, many of you are very caring and supportive, so that's one reason. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest. Maybe I just want someone to tell me how something like this could happen. I just don't get it. I'm blown away.
 
IF he did this, it's as U say, unxplainable and inconceivable. Not only how people with so much risk it all, but how people do these things 2 young kids.

But he MUST b given the presumption of innocence. Un4tunately in this country, even in U're acquitted, U're stuck with the "rapist" or "molester" stigma the rest of Ur life. It's unfair, but it's the truth.

I'll pray 4 the family and that God provides those around her, such as U, the strength 2 b a shoulder 2 lean on.
 
I don't know what to say, but as trite as it sounds people can always do things we would never think they would do by any possible stretch of the imagination. How well do you ever really know someone?

Of course he could be completely innocent. All you can do I guess until his innocence/guilt is determined legally is be a friend. Just let her know you are there for her without judgment, I'm sure she will need that. And just listen to her and let her share her emotions with you if she wants to.
 
MrsSpringsteen said:
I don't know what to say, but as trite as it sounds people can always do things we would never think they would do by any possible stretch of the imagination. How well do you ever really know someone?
Click to expand...

So true. When I was in high school, our AP chem teacher/baseball coach was caught videotaping his neighbor through her window while she undressed. He's married and has two little kids. He was a lot of people's favorite teacher. Unlike this case, there was no doubt he was guilty, since he had the tapes and she saw him in the window.

Like others have said, your friend the presumption of innocence unless he's proven guilty.

What a hard situation for you and your friend. :( :hug:
 
I know you are all right. I guess it's just shock.

It's funny b/c I was in a deposition last week and off the record I was chatting with the Witness, whom is an older, seasoned man, and I made some comment to the effect of "nothing people do surprises me." And he told me that I was mighty young to be so jaded. He asked what had been done to me to make me have such a cynical world view.

Well, I guess I've just proved myself wrong and that I can still be surprised.

I will be completely supportive of my friend. I have already offered to go to her husband's arraingment with her for moral support. And I still hope and pray that he is innocent and that this young girl is just vindictive and mean-spirited and trying to break apart my friends' family. And until I see and hear evidence to the contrary, that is what I am going to believe.

:hug: to you all.
 
Its a frightening part of modern society that there is potential for horror in every household. As a father of two it frightens me to death.

We have to make trust judgements everyday and it is a lottery where we can only rely on our hearts and hearts are fallable.

I know very little about not very much but all i would say is just be there to support your friend as and when sheneeds it. If she knows you are there itwillhelp her, whatever the outcome, to know she can rely on you.

I hope its not true and they can rebuild their lives.
 
Fitz, I hope for you and your friend, its not true. Your a good friend to show your support. It is a hard thing to understand.
I hope and pray for you that it all works out for the best, especially their 4 year old little boy. :hug:
 
I'm really at a loss for words, and others before me have said better things than I could've even thought about. But thanks for sharing with us. That must be so tough. You and your friend & her family are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:
 
YEA! He got released on his own recognizance!

It's not over yet. But at least he gets to go home and be with his wife and little boy on Halloween.

The next big hurdle is the Prelim in about 6 weeks. There, the judge will decide if there is enough relevant evidence to continue to a jury trial.

The judge was VERY impressed by how many people showed up to support him (unfortunately, I had a deposition in Rancho Santa Margarita and my friend told me to go to my deposition, that she would be fine with all her family and his family there). This lead the judge to believe that he wasn't a flight risk, with all his friends and family residing here in Southern California. Plus, the alleged vicitim is out of state at university, so there's no chance of him running in to her.

My friend is just so glad to have her hubby home. And I'm sure he's just so glad to be out of jail and back home with his wife and son.

Now we just sit back and wait.
 
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Wow, this is hard to digest. I will keep your friend in my prayers and thoughts tho. We are all innocent until proven guilty, and I just hope that doesn't happen to your friend. It's much too easy these days for people to point fingers and press charges. I hope your friend and his family get through this and just remain strong. Good luck and let us know what happens! :hug:
 
This has been weighing on my mind heavily this week.

It doesn't look too good for my friends. The husband has until tomorrow morning to decide:

A) Accept the State's plea offer and plead guilty and do almost 13 years in prison; or

B) Go to trial, risk being convicted and then sentenced from anywhere between 18 -- 25 years in prison; or

C) Go to trial, be acquitted and be a free man and able to go home to his wife and son.

But like I said, it's not looking too good for option C.

I called my friend on Monday and it went to her voicemail. I just left a message saying that I was thinking of them and praying for them, and that if she needed anything to let me know.

It all sounds so cliche, but what else could I say? I know there's nothing I can do to ease their pain. She just turned 32 and their son just turned 5. 13 years of waiting for your husband to get out of prison. I just can't even imagine.

:sad:
 
first and foremost let me say this: :hug: :hug: :hug:

and I am sorry, for everyone involved.

The other thing that pops in my head is if IF this really is not true, and God for everyone's sake I hope it's not, what the **** is wrong with adolescents today? Good lord.....I dont think anyone I went to highschool with would have done to this extent with a lie.
I mean yes...I understand if it were true that it is a completely horrible thing, but I've heard so many stories about kids making these things up about teachers and counselors and such just because they felt like they were being to tough on them. I went to a school of 3,000 people....we had gangs and drugs and crap...but this.....I mean that's messing with someones family and work and......gez....kids have no understanding what so ever

again....if this were true in any one's situation I would feel horrible of course for the kid. I'm just saying the way I've seen it played out in the past has been with lies.
 
You sound like a good and caring friend, Fitz. I'm sure your friends appreciate your support. :hug:
 
WildHoneyAlways said:
I can't imagine being in that predicament.

Does the State have a very strong case? What is his attorney recommending he do?
Click to expand...


I don't know all of the evidence the People have, but I do know that my friends' home computer was seized.

It also comes down to public perception and I guess where, in the past, he might have been able to get a better deal . . . these days the D.A. is cracking down hard on teacher-student sex crimes.

As far as the rest of the evidence, I don't know. And I can't bring myself to ask my friend because I just feel like my curiosity as to the facts of the case is not as important as not burdening her with questions I'm sure she doesn't feel like re-hashing and answering. I'd just rather spare her the pain of having to illuminate all the sordid details.

The husband still maintains 100% his innocence. And my friend still 100% believes him.

Now whether she believes him because it's easier to believe him than face an ugly truth about her spouse, I don't know. Sometimes avoiding the pain is easier than accepting that your husband did this horrible thing to his family and that student.

I'm not a parent, and I know this will stir up a hornet's nest of controversy, but most of the people I've talked to have all pretty much had the same opinion about the girl victim . . . they've all pretty much said, "well 16 isn't 14, you know. 16 year-olds know what they're doing. in other countries 16 is the age of consent."

Does that excuse his alleged actions? Absolutely not. But I was surprised to find numerous people sharing that same opinion.

Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize because I don't want to face the ugly truth either.
 
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I hope the end of my last post doesn't come off like I'm putting the blame on the alleged victim. I didn't mean that at all.

IF my friend's husband actually did those things, then i feel he deserves whatever sentence comes his way. He was the adult. He was the teacher. He should have known better.

It's just a horrible, messy, ugly situation all around and if it's affecting and bothering me this much, I can't even imagine what it must be like to be them right now.
 
I just found out online: he took the plea. 12 years, 8 months in prison. He'll be sentenced on September 27th.

I called my friend and got her voicemail again. Before I could even get words out I started crying onto her voicemail. I just kept saying, "I'm so sorry" over and over.

I feel so horrible for them. My poor friend. No one deserves this.
 
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Wow. What a horrible thing to have to face.

I'm sure your friend appreciates your support. It looks as if she's really going to need it. :hug:
 
Thanks for all the kind words. :) Right now a weak smile is all I can muster.


I'm single. I've never been married or rather, in my case, same-sex committed. I don't know what it's like to have a spouse/significant other.

But I've just been thinking. Is my friend supposed to now wait for him and not have sex for 13 years? Is she supposed to forego hugs and kisses and caresses and smiles and smirks and shoulder rubs and soft touches for 13 years? Is she supposed to forego companionship: intellectual stimulation, emotional support, someone to confide in, someone to tell her day-to-day stories to, a man to joke and be silly with . . . for 13 years? Is she supposed to forego a father for her son and now be a single mother for 13 years?

And if she does wait for him, how close can they possibly be when he gets out? Even if she visits him every opportunity (which we know can't possibly be sustained over 13 years), how close could they possibly be? Could they ever have a happy life together after this? Could she ever truly forgive him for doing this to her and to their son? For wasting the prime of her life?

They will be strangers when he gets out. His son won't know him from Adam. Her life and his life will have gone in two completely different and separate directions.

I know it's horrible to say, but at least in effect, for all intents and purposes, he may as well have just passed away today. It's going to have nearly the same effect on her life and on their son's life.

For those of you married, how long could you wait? How long could you endure something like this?

It's just so horrible. My heart just breaks for her and their little boy.
 
I don't know how to answer any of those questions :(

But first things first - did she know or suspect him of this behavior? Were there any signs? Hopefully she is not blaming herself. She probably has to still come to terms with this, and that the trust they had is gone. Again, I have no idea what she did/did not know & what kind of relationship they had.

And a plea bargain is basically an admission of guilt without the trial, right?

:sad:

:hug: Fitz :hug:
 
Thanks, Lila. :)

All those questions -- I was just thinking aloud; realizing how much my friend's life is going to change. Things will never be the same for her, and not in a good way either.

Yes, you are right. He has to plead "Guilty". And the plea bargain is basically a lesser sentence without a trial in exchange for a "Guilty" plea.

And when he does eventually get out of prison, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

It's all so surreal right now. He and I are not close by any stretch of the imagination (I'd call us more friendly acquaintances), but I have known him for 12 years and I was a groomsmen in his wedding. I have been over to their house a fair number of times. I did see him quite a bit in college when he and my friend were dating. I've been to a few concerts with him. A couple years ago, he did call to invite me to the surprise party he was throwing for his wife (my friend). I generally always thought well of him.

And now . . . wow. That's all I can say. Wow.
 
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