Believe In Second Chances...Maybe Even Third?

[starsgoblue]

Ok, well some people here already know the story pretty well....basically I was seeing a guy and things went really badly towards the end, including a botched U2 concert (the unforgivable sin!) No but really, basically what I think it all boiled down to is this guy was frightened of me. He told me how it is really hard for him to 'let people in' and how being with me made him feel vunerable in a way because he had never had someone in his life be, according to him, so caring and understanding and loving.

Well, through an accident, I mistakenly called him last week (damn phone book in my cell phone!) and we talked for the first time in over a month. He suggested seeing a movie this weekend and me, not expecting him to follow through based on how he used to be, said 'yea just give me a call'. Well, not only did he call to reaffirm plans for this past Sunday on Thursday afternoon but he also came to see me at work in the beggining of the weekend. Needless to say I was shocked. On top of that he brought up the whole U2 concert incident and apologized for being such a jerk! So we hungout last night, and things were just like they've always been--we were talking so much we didn't even watch the movie we had put in and we were laughing like old times and sitting up late listening to and 'arguing' about music. All along I though maybe this was just a friendly type thing...until he tried to kiss me. I told him I wasn't interested in this being a one time thing and I was scared that I cared about him more than he cared about me. He pulled back and said something about it not being a one time thing for him and he looked hurt that I said that. I admit I caved because I had realized from the first second I saw him when he came to see me at work that I really had never stopped having feelings for him. I am willing to forget things that happened badly in the past, I realize he had a lot of bad stuff going on when we had starting seeing eachother that had nothing to do with me but was bad for starting a relationship around (a suicide in the family for example) but at the same time I am scared to get hurt by him again. If he ran away again I would feel so crummy. I have to think there has to be something there...I mean he had too much to 'clean up' with me first to even get me to hangout with him, it would be so much easier to just see anyone else but me if he just was looking for company, ya know?

What should I do? Should I try and start with a clean slate with him? Do you think he even wants that much? I don't know what the heck to think!

 

[U2Girl1978]

Sometimes people deserve a second chance ya know. If you feel in your heart that you want to be with him, go for it but do it cautiously. Take it slow and see what happens.

 

[ILuvLarryMullen]

sometimes people deserve a second chance, but i would be very careful not to get too attached until you're really sure that he's changed, cause sometimes you end up getting dumped on myspace....not that that happened to me or anything

 

[starsgoblue]

Are you kidding me?! Jaysus!

Yea, I know what you guys mean. I don't get his behaviours all the time... but I really care deeply for him though...so I'm trying really hard to not think too much about this...

 

[U2Kitten]

I lost count of how many chances I have given my husband. And how many he's given me....

 

[OceanGirl]

I think it sounds like he deserves a second chance! I think it is great that you have made your feelings on not wanting it to be a one time thing clear aswell. Maybe he just needed that time that you spent apart to realise exactly what he wanted and what was important?

Anyway, goodluck! I hope it all works out well for you both!

 

[Carek1230]

Honesty and being up front is really best. Like U2girls says, give it time, take things slowly....who knows, maybe it is meant to be given a 2nd chance? Good luck!

 

[starsgoblue]

Thanks for the advice guys. The main concern I still have is him getting skittish again. He told me before the first time around that I've never put unreasonable expectations on him and that I was the perfect type of person for him... and yet he bolted....do you think I should still be concerned about that? And if so, how the heck can I possibly convince someone like that that I'm not gonna hurt them?

 

[ILuvLarryMullen]

And if so, how the heck can I possibly convince someone like that that I'm not gonna hurt them?

you can't. that is something they have to work out themselves.

 

[digsy]

i would say go for it - but slowly and tentatively at first (if thats possible)
i think he needs to know how nervous you are of him bolting again though and for that reason i think you need to just take it slow initially till you feel a bit more secure.

as iluvlarrymullen pointed out there is nothing you can say or do to convince him, he has to work it out for himself and in the end if he's gonna do a runner again, he's gonna do a runner irresepective of what you have and haven't done for him. so while it'll hurt, by no means is it your fault or should you take any blame for it.

the question really is, should you potentially set yourself up for that? while i dont know the details of the whole story, i would say it sounds like its worth giving him another chance though - at least now you have a better idea of what you're getting into and if you take things one day at a time till you both feel more comfortable about your position together, hopefully things will come right.

but then really what do i know about men???
they're all fcking cookoo in the head if you ask me

 

[Sweet Tart]

if you feel that you still really care for him and it's worth it to you to give him another chance then go for it. but like people said take it slow and be prepared that he may do a runner again.

dumped on myspace??!?!?!?!? didn't even know that was possible. sorry

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I say give him another chance, but be VERY, VERY cautious. You know I want nothing but the best for you, and if he has changed and seen the errors of his ways, then great!

Be careful, girl!

 

[VintagePunk]

Ambiguous men.

I agree with the others. I think another chance is warranted, although I'd be very careful about forming much of an attachment with him till he proves himself. Easier said that done, I know.

Good luck

 

[phanan]

Hmmm...

I don't think it's a bad idea to go slow and see what happens, as others have stated, and I don't want to assume too much since I don't really know everything going on here, but if he had some issues to work out previously, I have to wonder if it will still be a factor. It doesn't go away overnight.

Hang out with him, do fun things, be cool. Continue to probe (in a subtle way) his feelings about such topics as relationships and detect if there is any difference now vs. earlier. I think you'll be able to get a good enough sense of him after doing this for a while, and if it doesn't seem like the situation has changed, you might have to bail.

Good Luck stars.

 

[starsforu2]

my two cents for what's it worth.... can you see yourself with him in 2 years, 5 years, etc. ? If you can't, you're wasting your time and possibly investing in something that has no return.

If you can see yourself with him for years, then it might be worth investing in him.

I don't really have an opinion on what you should do, but I think it would be a good idea to look beyond today to see if it makes sense in the big picture.

Good luck! You're a caring person who deserves much!

 

[u2bonogirl]

Like usual Im going to agree with my husband
I think that if you really can imagine being with him for a long time then its worth it to consider giving him another chance.
But opening yourself up for more hurt, and more opportunity to damage yourself beore you really do find the right person for you isnt something I want to happen to you. Try to keep the trusting, open part of you alive for when you having somebody that will take care of your heart.
If he is the right guy for you and its just a tough road you've had to ride to realize that, then Im going to be so happy for you
but if he's not, and he hurts you again then I guess I'll have to tag along on Tim's next business trip to Ohio to insert my foot in somebodys tush

 

[starsgoblue]

Lol. Thanks for all the advice guys, I'm really taking it all in, especially since I know most of you so well & value your opinions. Yea, I can see myself with him down the road. I remember the second time we ever spent time together I told him how there was something in me that seemed to recognize something in him and he said he felt the same way. And I have more fun doing absolutley nothing with him than I ever did running around and 'being fancy' with other guys--I don't need the extra distractions, I just like being. And it's true, if he does run...at least I know it wasn't me and I'll not have to wonder the rest of my tortured existence about 'coulda woulda shoulda'.

On a good note, he texted me last night saying that he had a really good time with me the other night. Another new & unprecedented thing for him. Little things like that seem to say alot don't they?

PS--You should still tag along on Tim' next trip to Ohio anyway so I can see my partner-in-crime again.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

yay for second chances! I believe in them.

 

[starsgoblue]

I think I'm starting too as well WildHoney...I'm seeing him again later this week. (He asked me to do something--again total shock and awe here)