Being there for a friend......

[For Honor]

I've got less than 4 minutes rightnow so it's going to be quick.

more tomorrow




my friend just smoked her first cigarrette.
She's getting used to drinking
She's not yet 18

She's lonely and has an addictive personality


And I think I'm the only one she can talk to



How can I help her with her problems?

more later, sorry for brevity

 

[burns]

when a girl i was mentoring got herself into a similar situation, i went to the nearest library and compiled pictures taken from post-mortums of people who have died from lung cancer..........it worked quite well and it's definatly put her (and me) from ever smoking anything after wards.
As for drinking i think it is an uphill struggle because you just need to read the gossip magazines (not sure what they are in the U.S) to see your favorate celebrity pictured staggering out of a club. Even Bono's been caught out on this one.
i kinda feel i'v jumped the gun a little but i hope it helps somewhat

 

[For Honor]

Note: I think my title for this thread should have been more serious, because it's a lot more serious than

"just being there" for a friend........





There's a whole lot going on, and now I have the time to talk about it.





She basically told me how, for the last month, she's been going from one thing to another, trying to find a fix for her cravings. She hasn't mentioned drugs yet, so I'm really thankful for that.

BUt she's implied sex, and alcohal - she know a lot of people and places where she can get an easy drink - and now she's just started cigaretts.



We had a long conversation last night, and she really needed someone to be there, and I'm glad she thought of me. She says I'm the only one she can talk to, and while that's somewhat flattering, that makes me worry a little bit more. But I can see how that might happen in her situation.

I just hope I can do what needs to be done





For the first time since I don't know when
last night
I really prayed for something





Because I know that if she just goes this way, her life will be ruined. It's not bad yet, but I know a lot of addicts, and she's developing that lifestyle, that personality.......

wow...... scary......... she's........... starting to remind me of someone else I know......... same personality.......... but that someone else was a crack addict for 30+ years and is just now being clean for a few months...................



So, on my part, I've got all the reasons in the world to be concerned.

 

[For Honor]

The hardest thing for me is, I just wish I could spend more time with her, but I only see her 2 classes at school, and only 1 of them do I get to talk to her.


I sort of want to spend some time with her so that I could like be there and help her get through those times so she doesn't have to search for something to get her fix.


But I don't think I can do that - I don't even have a car or anything.

Emails and IMs, like in another experience of mine, can only do so much.




But I really do want to be there with her, and not just to try to get her to like me. If I really wanted that, I could have had that 2 years ago, basically. But I just want to see her have a life that is going in the right direction.

 

[For Honor]

I know a lot of my posts are sort of simple, or just me lecturing or whatever, but this really is serious,


because this is a crossroads in her life.

From here, I can see her going down one road, or another.





I need to find some advice as to how to help someone who is in the early stages of a major addiction. Again, not that is in risk of killing herself, but her lifestyle- she's told me some of her habbits and how she sneaks around - it just flashes "addict" in front of me, and I know, because I've met more than a fair share ....



I'm considering talking to a guidance conselor or something

I don't know if I could get her to go with me, because I know she doesn't want her parents involved.



(but really, I think it's going to take a lot of honesty and courage on many parties to get over this situation)

........

 

[For Honor]

when a girl i was mentoring got herself into a similar situation, i went to the nearest library and compiled pictures taken from post-mortums of people who have died from lung cancer..........it worked quite well and it's definatly put her (and me) from ever smoking anything after wards.
As for drinking i think it is an uphill struggle because you just need to read the gossip magazines (not sure what they are in the U.S) to see your favorate celebrity pictured staggering out of a club. Even Bono's been caught out on this one.
i kinda feel i'v jumped the gun a little but i hope it helps somewhat

....for some reason..... she's begun to idolize Paris Hilton.........

.......
.......



yeah.........


And, her personality, she is very much trying to fit in with the crowsd and be popular -


I think if she had a solid frienship with some good peoples, then things would be different. But I think everyone she knows is sort of going in the same direction she is.


And I've seen more people than I want to slowly slip into lifestyles that are essentially dead ends.





She's had problems with boys, and I don't think she ever found a guy who really cares for her.

(makes me sort of wonder what it would have been like if I did go down that road 2 years ago with her. But I didn't because....... of........ all my reasons for everything I do, that's the best way to put it).



But really, I think she's lonely, and loosing self confidence fast.


It's amazing how cigarettes are indicators of things...




She's a scared child, and it's amazing how well people can hide that. I wouldn't have really expected it, although lately things have been rather odd with her.....

though I guess it's good timing on my part, because we've grown a little closer, and maybe I can be a positive influence on her, or at least

if nothing more, some oppposition from falling into a difficult and unfufilling lifestyle.






I just don't know how strong I should be at first....
it's a delicate situation, but



my initial instinct would be the hug - protect - and shelter.

Because that's what she is desperately looking for.
But I don't know what my part is supposed to be in this yet

and i don't want to overstep boundries.



I want what's best for her, and if that is having some counselor talk to her, and me not getting involved, that's fine.

 

[Laura M]

It's good that you care for her but there's nothing you can really do to make her stop. She said that she enjoys talking to you and maybe talking with her is the best thing you can do for her. I have friends who smoke. They know it's bad for them but it's their life and they are entitled to do what they like. I don't want to smoke or get smoking related illnesses so I made the choice not to smoke. I think I've said this to you before in another thread but if someone needs help they have to ask for it or seek it themselves. You can't tell a person that they need to. Also, because you take alcohol and smoke doesn't mean that you're going to become a drug addict. I know lots of my friends who used to sneak around drinking when they were younger, not because they were in the early stages of a "major addiction" but because they were underage and didn't want their parents finding out. I think most people have smoke or drank before the legal age limit. I used to go out to bars before I was 18. It's not that big a deal as long as you don't overdo it. If my brother starts going out and having a few drinks, smoking and seeing girls it wouldn't bother me as long as he's being careful and not really putting himself in danger. He's 18 now, he can do what he likes, he is legally an adult. There comes a point when you just have to let people lead their own lives and take whichever path they like.

 

[For Honor]

Part of the thing, and we've only had one conversation, yes,


is that I don't know how involved I should be.


My "preference" is to try to communicate alot more about this, and to get myself involved, because as you've found out by now, I really feel this is a serious situation.


But I don't know if that's the correct thing or not.

 

[Laura M]

Part of the thing, and we've only had one conversation, yes,


is that I don't know how involved I should be.


My "preference" is to try to communicate alot more about this, and to get myself involved, because as you've found out by now, I really feel this is a serious situation.


But I don't know if that's the correct thing or not.

Communicate if she wants to, from your posts you seem to really want to get involved in your friends lives and that is a really noble thing for you to do but maybe it's time to just focus on yourself a bit more?

Smoking does not mean you're going to become a raging alcoholic or drug addict.

I used to smoke and I have never taken drugs or got so drunk I passed out in the middle of a street.

I have friends who don't smoke but like to take drugs.

In my opinion, smoking cigarettes isn't really a big indicator of anything.

 

[For Honor]

It's good that you care for her but there's nothing you can really do to make her stop. She said that she enjoys talking to you and maybe talking with her is the best thing you can do for her. I have friends who smoke. They know it's bad for them but it's their life and they are entitled to do what they like. I don't want to smoke or get smoking related illnesses so I made the choice not to smoke. I think I've said this to you before in another thread but if someone needs help they have to ask for it or seek it themselves. You can't tell a person that they need to. Also, because you take alcohol and smoke doesn't mean that you're going to become a drug addict. I know lots of my friends who used to sneak around drinking when they were younger, not because they were in the early stages of a "major addiction" but because they were underage and didn't want their parents finding out. I think most people have smoke or drank before the legal age limit. I used to go out to bars before I was 18. It's not that big a deal as long as you don't overdo it. If my brother starts going out and having a few drinks, smoking and seeing girls it wouldn't bother me as long as he's being careful and not really putting himself in danger. He's 18 now, he can do what he likes, he is legally an adult. There comes a point when you just have to let people lead their own lives and take whichever path they like.

Yes, I understand......

I've learned that lesson a few times........



But the way she came to me........


I know she wanted some comfort, and to be able to tell someone some things.


I'm going to find out - ask her how she is viewing this situation, and ask her what she wants me to do. Certain things I am going to do, or not do, no matter what, because I go about things in my way, and that's my choice.


But I really need to find out what she thinks about her actions.


Like I said, she's scared and lonely.
She's not totally an addict, yet.

But she says things like "I've told you about my addictive personality, right.?'.


She's still a kid, and her life can be shaped yet. She's not an adult.


BUt, yes, she is herself.
And I am not her parent.
But I am a friend, and she knows that

I told her I won't "big brother" her too much
But I also told her that I will be looking out for her best interests.

 

[For Honor]

Communicate if she wants to, from your posts you seem to really want to get involved in your friends lives and that is a really noble thing for you to do but maybe it's time to just focus on yourself a bit more?

Smoking does not mean you're going to become a raging alcoholic or drug addict.

I used to smoke and I have never taken drugs or got so drunk I passed out in the middle of a street.

I have friends who don't smoke but like to take drugs.

In my opinion, smoking cigarettes isn't really a big indicator of anything.

I don't care about being noble, honestly.

On the contrary, I spend too much time on myself, and I can't do anything about the way things are right now, so that's that.



Like I said, the only reason I am so worried is because I can see this time in her life as being a major intersection. She can go one way or another.


And she sees it that way, too.





The reason I am so .... motivated..... is becaue of everything she's told me about that side of her. I know, first hand, personally, how people become things. And I am not prejudiced, but she is already shaping her life that way, and

right or wrong, futile or not, this seems like a time where, if someone steps up and does something, it will save her

years of trouble.

 

[For Honor]

I don't care if it's me personally who assists her.



But essentially, I am the only one who is not involved with "that part" of her life, as in, I'm not someone who is going to give her a drink or tell her smoking is ok.


She came to me because I don't see things that way, and I think she knows she's going down a certain road, and it was sort of like she wanted some one to help her stay..... "normal"

I didn't word that right, but, it's like that.


Everything around her is sort of "enabling her" to be one way, but she doesn't neccesarily embrace it yet. She doesn't think that it's totally right, she doesn't want to be that way.

And I believe that's why she came to me.






But I will have to talk with her more about this.


I just needed a thread to put this out there and review it myself. There's alot going on, and even if I don't get involved all the way, I am a part of it, because I am a friend of hers.


More posts, probably through out the day, because this will be on my mind alot.

And, of course, keep this updated.




thanks for reading

 

[Laura M]

I'm going to find out - ask her how she is viewing this situation, and ask her what she wants me to do. Certain things I am going to do, or not do, no matter what, because I go about things in my way, and that's my choice.

I think it's great she came to you to talk. Aren't you around the same age as her? What makes you think that your life may not need shaping too?

You are playing with fire doing certain things, no matter what. You remind me of a friend we used to have at school, he always got involved in things that, I felt, didn't concern him. When my friend starting smoking he was convinced she was going to drop dead at any minute with lung cancer and she would start being promiscuous and taking every sort of drug she could find. He got the school involved and her parents and she never spoke to him again. He didn't learn and kept meddling in other peoples business. By the time we left school nobody wanted to speak to him because everytime a group of our friends confided him he imagined the worst and would try his best to get someone senior (school consellors, parents, older siblings) involved to try and stop the person doing whatever it was they were doing, even if it was something really silly like going to a bar one night, getting a bit drunk and missing a day of school because they were hungover. Big deal. Worse things can happen.

I have a friend who likes to take drugs and sometimes will take stronger drugs that I wish he wouldn't. I know a lot of it has to deal with his family and his strict father, he will do anything to defy him. I know if I interfered and got other people invovled or talked to someone behind his back he would never forgive me. I listen to him when he's feeling down or asks to speak to me. I look out for him when we go out but he knows he is taking risks, he doesn't need me, or anyone else, to tell him.

I don't think there is anything else I can say. I feel like I would be flogging a dead horse saying more.

 

[For Honor]

It's the way I am, if you want to do that.


You know, I guess I don't really care if I seem like an ass or something.


There are a lot of stubborn people in the world who try to do (uh-oh, a non objective term) "bad" things. I'm just as stobborn, I guess.



I don't want to sound like I ride my high horse and try to save the day. I can't. I can't do anything.


Me? My life? What is there to do? I can't do anything.


And even if I wanted to, and I do, I can't because I don't have the means. I guess that's not evident when I post, but, I don't talk to a lot of people or anything.


If we are going to say "oh, that's how it is" in regards to some people living their life a certain way,then I get that very same excuse. "That's how it is" with me.


I spent so many hours looking, thinking, exlpore, tring to find out why I am the way I am. And yeah, I've got a good idea. But a lot of things I didn't ask for myself, and a lot of things shouldn't be what they are.

BUt they are

and I am what I am.






Oh yeah, and my group of friends, the ones at school, the ones I eat lunch with......

I don't have those. So don't worry about me being like that.

I don't talk to anyone at school.



If yuo want to talk about someone who "does not get involved", that is me. I don't do a damn thing, honestly. I really don't think you could find someone who is more uninvolved than I am in regards to that.



I don't think there is anything more I can do with my life at the moment. I've got things reasonably under control, all things considered.

Perhaps the very reason I chose to get involved is because that allows me to actually do something. Even in the matters directrly related to my family, like everything else, I don't do anything. My father does this, my mother can't do that, but I react. Sure. That's fine. That's how it is.


Look, the post about "dieabetes", that was out of line. I should have never even started that. But again, that wasn't something where I badgered anyone.


---------




now, the reason I am so bent over this new situation, is because she came to me.

I didn't ask, I didn't probe, I didn't ponder, I didn't worry, I didn't pry, I didn't seek, I didn't interogate, I didn't force her to talk, I didn't force her to write to me.


And if someone comes to me, I want to try to help them with what I can.

I can't change their life, I don't control that.
But sometimes people need someone to direct them.

And if this is another lesson from God, if you will,

in "Hey, kid, there's nothing you can do about it", well, I guess I'll learn it all over again





I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but, I have a lot of opinions about everything that's going on in my life, as everyone may already know.

And right now, even if I loose a friend, even if I get dissapointed, even if something bad comes out of this, I have to do what I think is right. For once, someone is allowing me, seeking for me to be there, and I won't turn my back on that.




I know a lot of my posts have made me come off as someone who's up in everyone's business, but really, it's not like that. I spend most of my time in my world with my own "problems". I don't seem to have much of an impact on anything else but my own mood or my own present mindest when that happens.



(the Zack posts are what they are - he sees me as his big brother, and he wants me to play that role)
(Everything else that's going on in my life, well, there's not much I can do. THat's the long and short of it)


But this thread, this is more than just about me.
I don't want to boost my ego, it's not like that.


I just don't want to see someone cry
when I know that I can do something about it
even if it is just to listen

and just listening is something that I'll be fine with

(Maybe I just shouldn't have posted this thread at all, because I don't want it to seem like I'm sending out an all points bulliten "MY FRIEND NEEDS HELP". I wanted to write things out and get opinions, perhaps. I wanted to gain some knowledge as to the best way to deal with the situation, regardless of my involvement. Sure, I'd like to be the one to mentor her through this, but if my role is to watch from afar, I can deal with that. If there is anyone who knows about "hey kid, there's nothing you can do", that would be me. But just because I might not be able to do anything doesn't mean I'm going to just not care)

that being said,

thanks for your words.


I'll keep them in mind

 

[Laura M]

I know she came to you and as I said I think that's great that she can talk to you and ask your advice or get you to listen.

I have friends who have lots of problems, sometimes they make a mistake and end up really regretting whatever it is they have done even though someone has warned them against taking that course of action. It's pretty hard seeing them beat themselves up about it for months afterwards but there's nothing much I can do except listen to them and I know that they won't make the same mistake again because no matter how much anyone lectures them, nobody could make them feel worse about it than they already do themselves.

I know someone who when he was my age started taking drugs that were stronger than dope, everyone could see he was depressed and that he was getting himself into a lot of trouble. His parents tried speaking to him, his friends tried speaking to him but he wouldn't listen. In the end he ran away from home and ended up coming home when his drug dealer was arrested and he couldn't find anymore drugs. Now he doesn't touch drugs and is finished a degree (albeit, a few years later than he should have finished it). Nobody likes to see someone hurt so much they think drugs are the answer to their problems, or worse. But, such is life and sometimes people do things that they shouldn't, despite however much help they get.

I do hope your friend gets over whatever problems she has though. Take care, mate.

 

[For Honor]

Thanks. I appreciate your concern for me- sometimes I just don't seem to recognize itl, I guess I'm not used to it or something.


The reason why I am rather up in arms is because it seems like she really needs someone to just talk to. And maybe, if I can be that person, then it will help. She needs some stability and a real friend.

Or at least that's essentially her mindset.

But what I told her last night was really to the core, and I think that it wasn't what she expected, but I think it was right

She asked me to tell her that it was okay- she was looking for some comfort. It just came to mind, especially with the "addictions"......

"I want you to know
that you don't need anyone
or anything at all

so it's okay"



(since then, Kite has been going through my head. I don't understand the song, I think it's about Bono's dad. But the chorus stikes me.....)