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Pearl

Pearl

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I personally strive to not make a mistake because if I do, then I am a failure. And when I say mistakes, I mean everything. Whether its shopping, job hunting, or dating, I cannot screw up in any way.

I know some of you would say "no one is perfect!" but I find that to be an excuse for screwing up in life.

Others would say, "its OK to make a mistake because you learn from them." But how many of us make a mistake and realize its was something we were aware of but kept doing anyway? I mean, do any of us really learn from our mistakes?

For those of you who are laidback and aim to live life with no regrets (hard for me to contemplate that because I believe life is full of regrets), tell me how do it. I'm curious about how the carefree live.
 
shit happens. sometimes it's out of your control if you fuck up, sometimes it's totally on you. so long as it's something you don't commonly repeat, whatever.

there's always exceptions where one mistake will fuck you....those are the ones you don't make, and not making those ones makes the other occasional ones acceptable.

can't really explain it better.
 
Wow, it sounds just exhausting to live under such pressure.

It's not just "shit happens" - LIFE happens. Life is messy, people are messy. Life is often trial and error, which includes mistakes.

Sometimes you make a mistake and you realize it, and stop doing it. Sometimes you don't realize you're making a mistake until later. If you stop doing it, you've learned from that mistake - you've learned to stop doing it. If you keep doing it anyway, either it's not really a mistake, or you're just making poor choices and you haven't yet learned it's a mistake. Sometimes you don't always know.

How do you know you're NOT making mistakes? Granted, there are all sorts of levels of mistakes with different levels of consequences, but I'm not even sure how someone is able to ensure they're not making any mistakes.

Accepting that no one - including yourself - is perfect, and allowing yourself to make mistakes of all kinds does not mean you live a carefree life of no regrets. It means you're human and you go easy on yourself for not being perfect, because hey - no one's perfect.
 
The way I see it: I just do my best and believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things go wrong anyway, and sometimes the circumstances are such that you can't stop the dominoes from falling, so to speak. But I just tell myself that even though it's rough now, there's a purpose behind it and things will be even better later on. You have to know yourself, though, and be willing to acknowledge your own flaws so that you can make fewer mistakes in situations where you are in control. For example, my social skills aren't the best and sometimes I unintentionally offend someone when I'm with a group of people. I feel like an idiot, but I make a mental note to think really hard about everyone around me and make sure that what I'm about to say won't hurt anyone's feelings. But I also realize that it's impossible to always say the right thing, so I just have to try to let it go and do better next time. That's all anyone can do, really.
 
I'm a perfectionist by nature and I sometimes tend to be overly sensitive on the occasions I make any kind of mistake - especially when at work or in social situations. But I think one needs to have a sense of proportion when it comes to mistakes, and not dwell too much over mistakes that are, in the larger scheme of things, pretty trivial.
 
Last year I went to a psychologist. I told her, "there's a ticking clock in my head, like a metronome. I watch the clock and hurry to get the kids to school and that means in the car by 8:42am, I get frantic because the boy walks like a 2 year old (he's 2, funnily enough), etc and so on. My house is NEVER neat. I am unable to get my washing finished and have a few washing free days. My kitchen... I sometimes don't get breakfast until lunchtime, and sometimes dinner is my breakfast! I just cannot organize myself and my life. I don't have time to resume uni, and when I do I'll be probably failing everything and never get my HD average, and the husband is always so stressed and I cannot get the house renovations hurried... Did I tell you we're in the middle of renovating? And anyway, I don't have time for it all and nothing works and it's all a mess. What can I do to fix it?"
This was of course over quite a few conversations. I learned a few very valuable lessons from this very wise lady. 1. A control freak such as myself can only control that which is in my control. My kids, other people, random fate, unexpected things, and so on are not in my control. They work independently of me. I aim to be superwoman when I am not. I am just ordinary old me. A regular person who will not have a pristine schedule to which they all run. There will not be order when order cannot be forced. I was trying for what I deemed to be painfully ordinary things and was so frustrated that it didn't/couldn't/wouldn't eventuate. What was wrong with me?! Um, nothing. Nothing was wrong anywhere, not with me or everything around me. But I have these very basic plans and aims! Why can't I meet them? The answer was my goals were fine, but my demands and expectations that they could be met without resistance was just ridiculous. It doesn't matter what the goal is. If you're trying to force that which is not entirely up to you, then it's just going to go on and on.
The second really useful thing I got from her was my perspective versus what is. How did I view myself? A cranky, tired, fussy, annoying pain in the arse who couldn't organise her way out of a hedge maize. What is? A mother of 4 young children who will exercise their free will at any opportunity, busy with everything life has to offer, trying to fit in perhaps too much for anyone with superpowers, let alone just ordinary me. I had a sick baby last year who saw us at a doctor nearly every week. The toll was more than I gave credit for. She asked me what I thought others might honestly think of me if they stopped to consider. How would I appear to others, did I think? It didn't necessarily matter, but would outsiders agree with my harsh view of myself? I had to concede they probably would not. My perspective did not match what was or is.

I don't know if this makes any sense or relates to your situation in any way, but I do know that learning to change my view of me to align more with reality has relaxed me immensely. I know that giving myself angina over everything that I cannot control was helping no one. Not me, not the people around me. I, like you, can only determine so much in life, Pearl. The rest is up to other people and perhaps fate or luck or whatever you might believe.
:hug:
 
^ :heart:

Pearl :hug: . . . the only thing I would add to all of what has been so beautifully said already, is to be a little kinder to yourself . . . or maybe, as a dear dear friend said to me when I was in a :panic: and berating myself over every mortal thing . . . be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you are to others, you deserve a chance as much as anyone else . . . good luck lovely :hug:
 
Nobody is perfect and it's pointless to try to be perfect.

I think everyone is bothered by making mistakes. The thing that's important (for me) to keep in mind is that some mistakes are unavoidable. I used to really want to be perfect at work, but when I just graduated from school I didn't know anything about being a lawyer (I still feel that way most days to be honest) and sometimes it's lack of experience that makes you make a mistake. What bothers me are sloppy mistakes or doing things which are bad for me but could have been avoided with a bit of foresight.

Even then, there are very, very few mistakes that you can make in this world which cannot be fixed.
 
Thanks everyone. I've been feeling very down lately and needed to get something off my chest. :)
 
Pearl said:
I personally strive to not make a mistake because if I do, then I am a failure. And when I say mistakes, I mean everything. Whether its shopping, job hunting, or dating, I cannot screw up in any way.

I know some of you would say "no one is perfect!" but I find that to be an excuse for screwing up in life.

Others would say, "its OK to make a mistake because you learn from them." But how many of us make a mistake and realize its was something we were aware of but kept doing anyway? I mean, do any of us really learn from our mistakes?

For those of you who are laidback and aim to live life with no regrets (hard for me to contemplate that because I believe life is full of regrets), tell me how do it. I'm curious about how the carefree live.
Click to expand...

I used to be a perfectionist but have gone if anything to the other extreme, I don't beat myself up over mistakes at all. To some extent, this is a good thing, as I've made plenty, but I need to be more disciplined about exercising, cutting back on the booze - lifestyle issues in general.

Perfectionism, though, is best avoided. Perfectionists are not happy people, I've found. The middle ground is best.
 
You have to be kind to yourself Pearl. Would you have the same expectations for others? Probably not. You would be forgiving of them. :hug:
 
Being a perfectionist can be strongly connected with your upbringing and circumstances surrounding that. It's exhausting-for me that's what made me ease up on it. That and realizing that I'm still a pretty good and worthy person without trying to be perfect. The sooner you realize that the better things are :)
 
I tend to be a control freak and a perfectionist. Training dogs has been a MAJOR lesson humility! Everything else I've ever done (like gymnastics) was all on me. Now I have to no only work as a team but with a being that has totally different schemata for self, communication, etc. Mistakes abound!
 
It's corny as all hell, but the root here is really that you need to learn to love yourself, and if you do that by trying to earn it through a mistake-free existence, you'll just dig yourself in deeper because of the sheer impossibility of the idea. I'm sure many of us in this thread tried to be a perfectionist for some length of time, but it never works because mistakes are a part of life, and you can't really live without them, you know? There's no harm in being the best you can be, but if you know that, assuming you fail, the people who love you will continue to do so, and that you can forgive yourself regardless, it will make every day a lot brighter and more manageable.
 
kafrun said:
I think you only screw up when you don't learn and grow from your mistakes. :yes:
Click to expand...

this. :up:

Galeongirl said:
Perfect does not exist.
Click to expand...

:shocked:


:panic:


:wink:

there's nothing wrong with striving to be better, as long as your expectations encompass creative ways around your limitations ~ hope it's a little less fraught in your world Pearl :)
 
I'm not a perfectionist or Type A personality or anything close, too damn lazy to be one :lol: , but I've got a couple of friends who are and who I've observed being all Type A-ish and most of the time I ponder on what they are trying to prove. And more importantly, to whom. One friend I'm sure has full on disapproving father issues. Amateur psychology here admittedly, but just being the best you can be to your own satisfaction and to hell with anyone else is always a good rule to live by.
 
I ran across this article tonight while searching for some answers to some problems I'm having with my adult son who's been living with me since he's been laid off and going back to school for his degree. I'll just say it's been hell, for both of us, and leave it at that. I can't make him happy and he's making me miserable.

I haven't studied or read much on the teachings of the Dalai Lama but this helped me.
Countering Stress and Depression | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama
 
Stop sweating the small stuff. Slowly phase out things in your life that you get

a) No money from
b) No personal gain or pleasure from
c) Nothing but stress or worry from

Sell some crap you don't need. You'll feel better.

Read minimalist lifestyle blogs like this one - breathe. | zen habits

Start taking walks while listening to classical music.

Read Tim Ferris' 'Four Hour Workweek'
http://www.amazon.com/4-Hour-Workweek-Escape-Live-Anywhere/dp/0307353133

Pressure is good. But you have to realize that there is so much out of your control, and once you send that important email to a client, leave work, and head for the car, wipe your mind clean and think about being happy.
 
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