asking for advice yet again

[U2Kitten]

I hate buggin' you guys but it is good to come to a bunch of people who I know but don't know personally (so they won't spread it around to the people I REALLY 'know' ) I would really appreciate any feedback on this.

As most of you know, I lost my mom last year. The year before, she had fallen and broken her leg and hip and had to have metal rods and screws implanted. Though I lived 2 hours away, I was there several nights a week, even getting up before dawn to do the dishes and rush my kids back to school on time. I helped her on and off the potty, dumped and cleaned the potty, and did a lot of other tasks that were unpleasant. This was very hard on me and I recieved no thanks from anyone, as a matter of fact, my brother and his wife who lived right in town from her are accusing me of doing nothing so they can justify keeping all her money themselves (there is a lot of underhanded stuff going on since there was no will but that's another story)

So that's the background, now the new problem I'm asking about is this: my husband's mother is due for hip replacement surgery next month. She has plenty of money and excellent insurance, and can well afford the best of care, but refuses to go to inpatient therapy for 2 weeks. (My mother did too, and some said later the fact that she didn't weakened her. I have told my mother in law this and she gets mad and says I don't want to help!) So here's my problem: she has openly asked me to come and be her helper, potty, unpleasant tasks and all, so she won't have to go to the impatient therapy. The doctor has also offered to send a home nurse to her house but she refuses since it will be a problem with her security system. So she's putting all this care off on me and seeming put out I am not anxious! Well, after the experience with my own mom, I know how hard it is, and it's no wonder those home health nurses get $100 per hour, they deserve more! Also, consider I live over 1 hour from her through heavy traffic, have 2 kids in school plus another, plus my husband and the cats, and we are in the middle of trying to buy a new house which is taking up all my time (since my husband doesn't deal with such things) BTW, we are struggling to pay for a down payment or find a loan that doesn't require one since we have no available cash (I guess it's beside the point that my mother in law is sitting on over $200,000 and my brother is hogging my mom's $40,000 and all we need is like $3,000 ) So what I mean is, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I do not feel I am in the best position to do this. Also, I know how difficult it is, and how it's easy to become the brunt of the pain and frustration the older person feels (as happened before) So am I a rotten person for not wanting to do this? Even if she doesn't want to go to inpatient therapy, I honestly believe it's the best thing for her, even if I weren't being asked, and remember she can well afford it. What do you think?

 

[She Is Raging]

Well, I know I'll sound wrong saying this perhaps...but she's being extremely selfish by asking you to do this. Sure, no one wants to spend this time in the hospital - but it's really necessary. Now, does she realize what kind of recovery she's really looking at post-operatively? My aunt who is in her early sixties and very active has had both hips replaced in the last year - and she herself said she NEVER could have recovered at home. Not to mention it's quite painful for a while. What does your husband think about this? This should not be only your decision. If she insists on coming home - not having a nurse come to visit should NOT be an option. IF she has insurance, it should be paid for anyways. There are lots of rules and special considerations in terms of weight-bearing, bending etc after this surgery - and she really should have someone experienced in this area. So, just my opinion, as a nurse, she should NOT be dumping this all on you. It's just really not fair! Or safe.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thank you. I really thought it was, on top of everything else, not the best thing for her recovery. I am not a nurse or a therapist. My husband doesn't ever comment or talk much so he's never a help. She does have very good insurance that would cover this, plus loads of money in the bank, but she won't even need that because of the insurance. Yes, no matter who it is, it is very selfish of a person to stick someone with such a job. I would never do that to anyone, I couldn't ask them to take on such a task, and I'd also be embarrassed at them seeing me in such positions. I'd rather have a nurse who doesn't know me (and of course she knows what to do so she's better anyway.)

My Mom had a nurse come once a week and a therapist come twice a week for an hour, but it really wasn't enough and she did not recover as well as she could have. She could never walk again without a cane, and the way she wasted away was sad. Before she fell, she was 75 but looked so young most people thought she wasn't old enough for social security. She was still active and working at a local dept. store and dressing fancy. After the fall she became a small, frail, weak old lady and honestly and sadly she never got her strength back and most people around us believe the lack of proper care after her fall contributed to this. I often wonder if she'd still be alive today if she hadn't fell, or if she had gone to therapy. I tried to tell this to my mother in law, and got very emotional doing it, but she still just thought I was trying to get out of it. I don't want her to get mad, but this really isn't the best thing for either of us

 

[OnFire]

My husband doesn't ever comment or talk much so he's never a help. She does have very good insurance that would cover this, plus loads of money in the bank, but she won't even need that because of the insurance.

Your husband knows what your going through with your own mother and won't stand up for you with his?

 

[U2Kitten]

Well, no he won't ever take a stand, he's afraid of responsibility. As a matter of fact, a friend is helping me with the whole househunting thing, he signs whatever he needs to sign, but won't even go look. It's hard to get anyone who doesn't know him to understand how he is. He's just like that

 

[biff]

Michelle, I agree with SheIsRaging, it's very selfish of your mother-in-law to ask you to do this. Does she say why this is her preference? Perhaps you could tell her that you really can't do it because you're just completely drained from all the things you already do, and from the emotional impact of your mother's death. Is there anyone else who could talk to her, someone she respects? Some other relative who can persuade her to get the proper care she needs in a hospital? Or perhaps the doctor could be more forceful in his recommendations? Does your husband have any siblings who might get involved?

With regard to your brother, how on earth is he being allowed to get away with that? Even if you had not been around to help your mother in the ways you did, you would still be entitled to half of whatever she left behind. That's just awful! (Note to everyone: Leave a will!)

On a positive note, I'm really glad to hear you're looking for a new place. I hope you get the funds you need and can move soon. That would be great! You really deserve a break.

 

[U2Kitten]

Michelle, I agree with SheIsRaging, it's very selfish of your mother-in-law to ask you to do this. Does she say why this is her preference? Perhaps you could tell her that you really can't do it because you're just completely drained from all the things you already do, and from the emotional impact of your mother's death. Is there anyone else who could talk to her, someone she respects? Some other relative who can persuade her to get the proper care she needs in a hospital? Or perhaps the doctor could be more forceful in his recommendations? Does your husband have any siblings who might get involved?

Thanks My husband only had one brother and he passed away in 1993 My father in law is also deceased. She has a boyfriend but he seems to support her decision. Her sister is taking care of her husband who just had knee replacement and denied therapy after a back operation so she's just as bad. My husband doesn't speak up, he just doesn't. I do need someone on my side. From what she says her doctor is highly recommending it but cannot force her.

With regard to your brother, how on earth is he being allowed to get away with that? Even if you had not been around to help your mother in the ways you did, you would still be entitled to half of whatever she left behind. That's just awful! (Note to everyone: Leave a will!)[?B]

That's what I'd like to know. There are 4 kids, apparently the other brother is in on the scam with him, my sister is actively seeking legal options for us (she has more money and knowledge than I do!) Even my mother in law thinks he's awful and what he's doing is illegal. She's just been through this with her neighbhor's estate so she knows it's wrong. My real estate agent is floored. She gave is offering to give up half her commission to help with our closing costs and thinks he's awful for not caring about us. He only makes fun of us for living in a bad place and has even threatened to take my kids! But he won't help us either with money or advice. Oh, BTW, he's a deacon in his church and is very holier than thou Southern Baptist and justifies everything he does to everyone with "God is my only judge!" Oh, he also disposed of all her personal property, mostly to his friends and inlaws, without ever reporting to probate! That's illegal!

Really, no matter what we did or didn't do, or how much money we have or where we live, we are all equal, all her children.

On a positive note, I'm really glad to hear you're looking for a new place. I hope you get the funds you need and can move soon. That would be great! You really deserve a break.

Thanks! I'm trying!

 

[biff]

If it were me, I would just have to find a way to say "no" to her. It's not as if she doesn't have other, and better, options. And she can afford them. What do you imagine will be the consequences if you do say no? That's the part only you can judge. Does she do this sort of thing often, as a way of controlling people, maybe through guilt? What does she do when she doesn't get her way? Will she hate you forever, or will it blow away in a few weeks?

As to your brother, that's just outrageous. I'm feeling and I don't even know him. What a moral hypocrite! It's good that your sister is pursuing this.
It's terrible the way deaths in the family bring out the worst in people. My mother-in-law had been dead only five(!) hours, and there was my sister-in-law (who had very recently married into the family, and had not "known" my long stricken with dementia mother-in-law) sitting in our living room, with a pad and pen, asking my husband all about the laws
of probate and taking notes! Talk about classy.
Also, when my grandmother died, the husband of a very distant cousin, who just happened to be the first one to arrive at her house, helped himself to a really old and valuable wall clock. You know what, come to think of it, he was a Baptist minister as well! We forced him to give it back. (Actually, my father went to his house, walked right in, and took it off the wall.)

I really feel for you through all your troubles. I hope it all works out.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks again Biff I'm sorry about your greedy relatives too

When my grandmother died, everyone loved and respected her so much nobody would even go in the house to take anything or even ask, they were afraid of being called greedy or rude. So one of my cousins thought nobody wanted anything and sold it all at a yard sale and kept the money She could have at least asked first.

Besides the hoarding, lying and probate violations, he's also hiding the money and stuff from the creditors and telling them there was no estate! Oh and he plans to lie to the IRS as well when her taxes come due! What a mess

 

[biff]

Appalling!

Rupert sends you a nice, wet-nosed nuzzle, by the way.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks Bono sends the same, and he's purring

 

[biff]

 

[BVS]

My mother went through this same exact thing with my grandmother(her mother-in-law). I have nothing but respect for those that can do that, God knows I probably couldn't.

But having said that, she is selfish for asking you, and your husband needs to stand up for you.

Good luck to you!

 

[indra]

Besides the hoarding, lying and probate violations, he's also hiding the money and stuff from the creditors and telling them there was no estate! Oh and he plans to lie to the IRS as well when her taxes come due! What a mess

Well, maybe this isn't very nice (him being your brother and all, but you can get him in a shitload of trouble if you have any records of the stuff he is going to lie about. I'd do it if someone was screwing me over.

My dad also died without a will (in our case it was actually a good thing since my siblings and I pretty much agreed on everything and at least a few of my father's siblings planned to dispute the will. They were absolutely crestfallen when they found they couldn't do a damned thing. Made me very happy. )

But my point is that there is a very specific way the estate is to be divided (when there has been no will), and if you can get documentation of what your mom had when she died, that should go a long way towards making sure you get your fair share of it. I would continue checking with an outside lawyer, as it seems to me that what your brother is trying to do not only can keep you from getting your share of the estate, but also could land you in legal trouble if you sign off on things and his deceptions are unearthed.

So on the estate -- try to get any of her financial documents, write down lists of her major assests you know of, gather any photos (esp. dated) of anything of major value, and have your sister do the same. Also, until you have an accounting of your mom's assets which are acceptable to you, don't sign anything to do with the estate. And if one of your brothers' is the administrator of the estate, you might want to see if you can get yourself or your sister (she might be better suited as you have your hands full) to be appointed co-administrator. At least then you would have more say in the matter.

As for your mother in law.... I think you have to tell her no. She sounds very manipulative, and I'm sure she'll make quite the scene, but you have to take care of your family and yourself first. Besides she has a way to get good, competent help, so she needs to do that. Quite frankly, her nursing care is not your problem and you need to make sure you don't allow her to make it your problem.

Good luck with all of this.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks all of you, I will try! I know my sister is trying. I know that he's having all Mom's mail come to his house, and he has snatched all her personal papers, but there has to be some way we can prove it. If nothing else maybe the IRS will catch him, or the probate. He could have done the right thing all along but never did. He only recently admitted to there being any money, and I knew it, and he never confessed to hiding it until I told him Mom told me how much there was and it couldn't have just vanished. How stupid does he think I am? Asshole! So that's how much of a lying bastard he is. I just want everything to be settled fair for us all. My sister wants to get him any way she can, and if he gets in trouble, he's only got himself to blame. It's really been hurtful and unbelieveable to me, I'd never do such a thing to him or anyone else.

 

[BostonAnne]

Also, consider I live over 1 hour from her through heavy traffic, have 2 kids in school plus another, plus my husband and the cats, and we are in the middle of trying to buy a new house which is taking up all my time

It totally boggles my mind that she would ask you to do this when she is over an hour away and you have 3 kids to take care of.

Who does she expect to take care of them while you provide her round the clock care?

It'll get better U2Kitten! It will!

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

You're not a rotten person. My co-worker has a mom in a nursing home and she visits her everyday but she admits, that even that is hardwork. My co-worker is also single and childless but caring for her mother is a time consuming ordeal.

My point--you have a family, children, yourself. You seem to put everyone's needs before yours and that is selfless dedication. You need time for *you*. After what you went through with your mother, are you mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually ready to do this again?

I hope that your heart leads you to the answer you seek my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks, your support means a lot

 

[Liesje]

Kitten, without reading any responses to the original post, let me say that your mother-in-law should NOT opt out of inpatient care. My grandmother who I'm really close to has had rheumatoid arthritis for decades now and has had surgeries like 3 full finger replacements (both hands and one hand again), wrist replacement, hip replacements, and knee replacements. She always is strong and insists she'll be OK at home, but seriously if you don't to the right therapy after surgery, you're only setting yourself up for more pain and injury later on. A hip replacement is really not something she'll want to mess around with. I don't know how, but PLEASE try to convince her, from us who know, going home afterward is just REALLY stupid.