Any one here close to their parents? Please read....

[She Is Raging]

Ok... I know I've posted here before about matters related to this, and am just wondering if anyone else had gone through something similar.

I am the baby , and the only girl amongst my siblings, raised by a happily married pair of irish catholic parents. Now my parents have always been very fair growing up and with letting me do things etc... they have never asked much of me.

So here's the deal.... I'm going to be turning 26 (I cant believe it) in a few months, and I still feel like I let my parents rule my decisions WAY too much. It's not even that they ask and/or give their opinion (usually), i just worry about what they'll think of me in regards to it. I've been living on my own for 5 years, totally independent etc. BUT - they're opinion just matters in a way that I think I'm letting it ruin me! An example being, I've had plans to go away with friends for labor day weekend for months now - and I got an ivitation in the mail from a distant cousin for his (2nd) wedding that weekend. Now when I told my mother I wasnt planning on going, she basically had a meltdown -which I didnt at all expect. Finally after a couple of arguments with her I was able to convince her that I wasnt going and that was that. I still feel bad about it, but aI didnt want to miss the trip to attend a wedding that I was invited to mainly out of courtesy. I sent in the reply with a check and a note explaining why we wouldnt be there , and I think that was the proper thing to do.

And now... as I've posted her before, It's come down to the whole moving in thing again with my boyfriend. I have no qualms about him and his intentions. But I 'm scared to death of what my parents are going to say! I havent even been able to bring it up to them, so I just emailed my mother about it. I feel like such an IDIOT for letting things get to me like this. I know I'm an adult and I should live my own life, but I cant help it. I know this will be a huge thing for them too... especially being the baby girl. I think they'd like to see me still living at home in my old pink bedroom

anyways... I apologize for the rant - but I just wanted to know if anyone else had similar experiences/ advice or whatever. I'm just losing my mind here!!!

 

[zooropamanda]

Yes I understand you totally, she is raging.
I am too 26 and often feel this way.
I still live at home and even though I live my own life, I find that I still run things past my Mum all the time, seeking her approval.
I help her out a lot and because of that I feel I can't leave her just yet. She would never want me hanging around for those reasons but it is how I feel.
I feel like I have to justify many things that I do, espcially when it comes to my career.
The stupidest part is that my parents were always supportive, gave me everything I wanted and never pressured me much at all. I had a very stable, non strict, fortunate upbrigning. Yet I still feel like I don't measure up.
I don't know where it comes from, if I had had strict parents who pushed me through everything in life, I could, but they werent like that at all.

I never thought much of Oprah Winfrey but a few months ago I saw an episode about a thing called "Quarter life Crisis". A new phenomena where people in their mid to late 20s are feeling like they dont measure up, and are very unhappy with the way their lives are going because they can't live up to the 'expectations'.
Im yet to read the book about it, but that show blew me away because all these successful 25 yr olds were feeling all the exact same things I have been for the past while.
Im majorly off track but I do think what youre talking about streams from high expectations, and most of the time, its not our parents who put them upon us, but ourselves.

 

[She Is Raging]

Thanks Manda... I'm gald to hear that I"m not the only one that feels this way!! I mean, I know things could be worse, I could have had a lousy childhood etc... I'm just making myself mental. I totally relate to the whole " not living up" thing. I'm 25 and actually in a place in my career where many people my age would not be yet...but I still feel like I have so much to do/complete etc!!! I just wish that I could make myself a little more " independent" in a sense.

 

[walkon11]

It comes down to the fact that your parents will always be protective of you...even if it is to an extreme. My parents are fairly strict, so I know it's frustrating when you feel that they run your life for you. However, since you are away from home, you should feel free to do as you please...you're 26, and I suppose you haven't been in serious trouble (or if you have, you've learned your lesson). I really hope things turn out better...if they still complain, I think you should just do your own thing and be happy with it...when they see that it hasn't changed you for the worse, they'll be more likely to realize that you're capable of making wise decisions, and not be so harsh.

 

[adamswildhoney]

Im the youngest, and i feel like anything that i do, i get in trouble for anything that i say or do thats not what they want me to do. They are now starting to let me grow up tho. I finally have no curfew and i can stay up as long as i want.

Its so pathetic bc Im 19!

 

[jkayet]

I've actually read the quarter life crisis book! It was comforting, although it also made me paranoid that maybe I had other problems people in the book had, but just didn't realize it yet... It was helpful though.
As for your situation, I'm going through something similar in a way...I'm 24 & have moved back with my parents for a month and a half before going to grad school. My parents are great, supportive in general, but drive me crazy in other aspects. First, I want to go back and see friends where I lived before, but my mom keeps finding things I should be doing on dates I want to go. I should make these decisions on my own, but 'family obligations' keep popping up. I have an incredible guilt complex, so it's tough, but i'm getting over it. There needs to be some sort of balance in your needs and theirs, I think...
Also, they want me married now. I'm nowhere near. While this is not at all like your situation, it shows in a way that I think parents freak out regardless. If I was moving in with a guy now, they'd be freaking out over that too, I'm sure... Oh, and i'm an only child, so I know how you feel, in a way - all parental goals are focused on you and all... Ok, I've rambled Hope this helps though! I'd just try to make a balance - respect your parents and their views, but realize you've got to do what YOU need to do and maybe they'll realize it soon too.

 

[BabyGrace]

She Is Raging, I totally get where you're coming from. I too am very close to both of my parents and it eats me up that I am not half as independent as I feel I should be. I am 18 and going away to college in just two weeks and I am really hoping maybe that will be enough to pull me away from them, not that I want to be away from them, but because I need to learn how to support myself. Moreso mentally than anything else. my parents have always been there for me when i am down and being that i am highly insecure most of the time, whenever i get the slightest bit defeated i run back to my mom or dad for advice.
not that it's bad to do that, it's just i'd love to be the kind of person who is strong enough to not be such a baby about things all the time.

that being said, i think there are certain events that happen throughout life that cause us to grow up and develop and for some of us they just come later than for others. i want to be friends with my parents for the rest of my life, i just dont want to feel trapped by it. i am sure the time will come that i will grow out of this and I am sure you will too

 

[Lilly]

i know it must be hard.

I am the baby , and the only girl amongst my siblings, raised by a happily married pair of irish catholic parents. Now my parents have always been very fair growing up and with letting me do things etc... they have never asked much of me.

So here's the deal.... I'm going to be turning 26 (I cant believe it) in a few months, and I still feel like I let my parents rule my decisions WAY too much. It's not even that they ask and/or give their opinion (usually), i just worry about what they'll think of me in regards to it. I've been living on my own for 5 years, totally independent etc. BUT - they're opinion just matters in a way that I think I'm letting it ruin me!

well, i am extremely close with my mom. tell her almost everything (umm..for a long time she thought that interference was only fym ). i value her opinion and she values mine. she lets me make my own decisions and follow through with them. i was raised to be very, VERY independent and still am that way.

i know it's difficult, but as you make these moves, be it not accepting a courtesy invite or moving in with your boyfriend, it establishes your independence little by little. not that you've lost respect for your parents' decisions, just that you are not a baby anymore.

 

[Bonochick]

Dad and I are best friends. I'm 20 and still living at home while finishing college and gettin' on my feet. Though I like for my dad to approve of what I do, sometimes it's just not possible. I am an adult, and I will do what feels right to me. I ask my dad for advice often, but even he tells me that it is ultimately up to me. For example, I'm just getting an associate's degree...Dad said perhaps I should pursue more schooling because while I'm in college, his place of employment will pay for my health insurance. However, I am sick of school and want to be done after this semester. He's accepted that, and he knows that will make me happy, so he is letting me take the path that I wish.

It also goes the other way too though..........Dad often likes approval from me as well.

 

[jala]

I'll make it quick, I'll make it short.
Do what you want and tell them later. That way there is nothing they can do, for example, like try to make your boyfriend leave. What is done is done, so there!
I'm always afraid of what my parents would say, so this is my tactic. I hope it works for you.

 

[She Is Raging]

I'll make it quick, I'll make it short.
Do what you want and tell them later. That way there is nothing they can do, for example, like try to make your boyfriend leave. What is done is done, so there!
I'm always afraid of what my parents would say, so this is my tactic. I hope it works for you.

See that's the thing, I'm at the age and place inmy life where my parents cant tell me what to say or do anymore... BUT their opinion matters. I could never do that, behind their backs and then tell them.

Well I got an email from my mother today, bascally tearing into me for the whole idea, much worse than I ever thought it would be. Not so much the whole moving in together thing, but basically saying that she doesnt know what I bother asking her opinion on anything - since I always just do what I want anyways. I just wish she knew how far from the truth that statement is. It comes back to the whole not going to the wedding thing. I just cant win with her. Now something that seemed like such a good idea for a little while there has turned sour. It's something that I do want to do... but I'll always have this little thing in the back of my mind if I do. I give up!

 

[martha]

I just cant win with her.

Then it might be time to stop trying. Live your life starting today. Love her, but stop trying to please her now, or you may never be able to stop.

 

[Blue_Angel]

you know, She Is Raging, she might go thru major shock at first when you assert yourself, but I will bet that in the end when she realizes that you have grown up and are capable of making good decisions and being a great person on your own, you two will be so much closer for it. it will be tough because her opinion matters so much to you, but just keep the end result in sight: a more confident, independent you and an even better relationship with your parents.

Go for it.

 

[oliveu2cm]

Hi Kathleen!

I wish I knew what to say. But I don't. So i'll just say I feel your pain. Our parents are very similar and I could easily see myself in your situation. You're damned if you do (because of the fights and comments and harassments) and damned if you don't (because you arne't being true to yourself). I hate this!! so sorry!!

About that book.. I'd love to read it if someone knows the name of it. I'm only 23 but I constantly feel like i should/could be doing more or that i'm in the wrong profession (which is probably partly true!) and that i'm just not filling up to my "potential" - problem is i dont know what i want to do or if I do i'm totally blocking it from myself. anyway.. i was surprised to read about the oprah show about it!!! I used to think it was just me. but does this mean i'm doomed now??

((Kathleen))

 

[jkayet]

About that book.. I'd love to read it if someone knows the name of it.

It's "quarterlife crisis: the unique challenges of life in your twenties." I haven't looked at the website much, but I know there is one - www.quarterlifecrisis.com. Hope that helps!

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I don't really know what to say on this, girl, cause I don't really have parents who are like this. All I can tell you is do what you feel is right, and let your parents come to grips with the fact that you're old enough to make your own choices. I'm always here if you need to rant, talk, etc.

 

[missmacphisto]

Yep, I'm VERY close to my mom.
We've lived apart for some time now, because it has to be this way, not because we want it.
But my mom wants me to move back in when we get things straightened out. I have mixed feelings. I dont want her to live alone, and I dont really want to live alone either.
But....I like being able to do the semi-wild stuff that I cant do when she's around!
And its just better in a lot of ways. I wish we could live next door to each other or something, but that'd be very hard to do.