Alcoholism

[jammin909]

Well I have a feeling one of my good friends is in trouble, he has recently quit his job and crashed his car.

I have been away for the past couple months so I havent been around but apparently his drinking has only gotten significantly worse and I feel bad bc I havent been home.

None of my other "friends" are doing anything about it and I feel like I need to say something to him about his drinking. Are there any "good" ways to go about this conversation/email? I think email is good bc I can get down all my thoughts before he has any chance to get defensive.

Your help would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[financeguy]

It's a tough one, from what I have read and from experience of one of my friends, a 'lecturing' type approach even if well-intentioned doesn't necessarily work. I think you're on the right track with a more 'How are you getting on? How are things?' relaxed type of approach.

 

[VertigoGal]

First of all, I know it's a really tough situation and I know you want to help as a good friend...and I know you probably don't want to hear someone tell you that "only they can help themselves." But in one sense, that's kind of true.

If you do want to do something to help him, it's got to be something drastic. What I mean is you need to talk to a support group such as Al-Anon and basically arrange some sort of intervention. To an alcoholic, little hints about "how are things going" and that, it means absolutely nothing. Financeguy is right that lecturing won't particularly help either, it really means nothing to an alcoholic. When I was 10, I tried to sit down my mother and make her promise not to drink anymore. She nodded and even agreed, but halfway through went into the other room and drank a bunch of vodka, then came back and continued our discussion. It's a really helpless situation.

Does this guy have any girlfriend, spouse, or children? Any sort of legal leverage you could use to force the guy into treatment...? (They do ultimately need to *want* to be there, but sometimes you can give them a push if you know what I mean...)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if you want to do something to help him, in my experience nothing short of a full-blown intervention will impact an alcoholic who's pretty near the bottom, and even that may not. Hints and things I just don't think will make any difference. You may end up having to let the guy hit bottom, and be there when he does to support him and help him to get help.

I don't know what your opinion is of groups like Al-Anon, if you're the type to roll your eyes at things like that. But if you're concerned enough, it's very easy to walk into any meeting and find plenty of people with lots of experience who'd be willing to help you.

hope everything works out for the best

 

[ylimeU2]

I agree with what VertigoGal has said. If you are really serious, check out Al-Anon. Chances are, someone has been through with a friend exactly what you are going through now and can offer you help and support.

But ultimately, an alcoholic has to be the one who decides for themselves just how low they are willing to go. Subtleties are not going to work in the end, although he may realize that he has a friend who really cares and feels he can confide in. And that can be everything. Good luck.

 

[For Honor]

Addictions are tough...

good luck

 

[AngelofHarlem01]

I had an instant message conversation similar to it last night lol. They had mentioned alcohol and then i was able to kind of slip my concerns about it in caringly. His friends also encourage him to drink and they probably wouldn't have ever said anything to him about it. I felt like i really needed to because I want him to be around.

Go with your gut and just tell him your concerned. If you need a lee way in maybe find an interesting article that mentions alcohol and he might try to challenge it, and that's when you could say your really worried. Or maybe if he's into sports you could get into a conversation about soccer player George Best who recently passed away and had suffered a long battle with alcoholism. In the end he has to want to change, but your words of concern will go a long way in showing him that people care and are worried. Oh, and yeah definately an email might be a great way an opening up conversation about it too. Best of luck.

 

[jammin909]

Thanks AOH and the rest for the replies. I started to worry when we were in college together but at that point I couldnt say anything bc I felt like I would be a hyprocrite. Years later nothing has changed except for his obsession. His new job is bartending- just so he can always be around it is my guess.

As much as I want to play the "look youre out of control and need help now" card- I think my first approach is just going to be an email about it to open up the line of communication about this "not talked about" subject.

I have been meaning to do this for months on end but just cant bring myself to do it hoping it goes away but obviously that is not going to be the case...Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[VertigoGal]

hmmm...well good luck, just don't get your hopes up.

 

[girlhappy]

It is really important to be careful on this one.Just try to get closer to him and if he is willing to open up, then go

 

[Numb1075]

Personally, I think that email is not the best approach. face to face w/ scincerity is the best approach. Make sure to have all of the facts and consequences w/ you before you initiate conversation.

I've had to do this with a REAL good friend years back w/ cocaine/heroin.

 

[For Honor]

^ ouch...

 

[youtooellen]

a friend of mine was hooked on marijuana and cocaine to a point where she did the stuff every day freshmen year of high school. we were really good friends and I got somewhat involved with her issue so I basically told her straight forward "don't fuck with your future, there's more to life than illegal drugs", I mean she was upset with me afterwards, but she said it hit her stronger than anything anyone said to her. everyone was too passive with her before and said "be careful, it's harmful when you're addicted and rely on the stuff everyday". she told me that it doesn't make a difference especially when it's the same overused words every day.
she's been clean and drug free for quite some time now, and I'm glad to say that we're still close to this day.

different strokes for different people, and I suppose even different addictions.

best of luck with your friend though, it's a tough situation.