A man and a woman cannot be close friends without...

[BrownEyedBoy]

...feelings from one part or the other getting in the way.

I'm not saying the type of friends that you don't see everyday or look for everyday. I'm saying the type of friend that you call and hang out with all the time.

I tried and I failed miserably. And now, I must admit that I'm sort of infatuated with my best friend.

...and I have a girldriend who is out of town.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

And I can't say a thing because I would never betray my girlfriend like that. But it's just gotten worse than ever.

She and I always joke about how we're gf/bf, the difference is I know for a fact I mean it. We tell each other things like "Yes, my love". And everyone else says they see "sparks" when we're together.

My girlfriend knows her and she hates her. I'm seriously torn here. Technically, I don't feel like I've cheated or anything because we haven't kissed.

I should seriously get away from her but I do not want to.

 

[hiphop]

Yes, that´s life.

 

[the tourist]

What he said *points up*

 

[Sicy]

Well I dont know, I've been friends with lots of males and never had feelings for them. Usually we would both have a significant other too. Sometimes the best of friends are a man and a woman.

 

[Mr. BAW]

Well I dont know, I've been friends with lots of males and never had feelings for them. Usually we would both have a significant other too. Sometimes the best of friends are a man and a woman.

The cats out of the bag...

 

[U2democrat]

ok time to pull out "When Harry Met Sally"

 

[yimou]

ok time to pull out "When Harry Met Sally"

I was thinking the same thing,,,

And ofcourse a man and a woman can be friends.

 

[dandy]

i think it can happen, but it's tricky.

i have had lots of great close guy friends, but every last one of them was secretly hoping for something more out of our relationship, and eventually it always gets in the way of the friendship.



i can never date my guy friends because i like them too much (if that makes any sense)--i don't want to mess up a great friendship by crossing over to the other side.

yes, i know, i have *issues*.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

oh I know this all to well. I am dealing with a similar situation right now.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Im dealing with it too
It totally blows big time....its like every time youre close to the opposite sex your hormones get all hyper

 

[Laura M]

2 of my best friends are male
I have no feelings for them, one is gay though

 

[Nate Dogg]

I had a female best friend for almost ten years. We decided to tell each other how we felt. We let it get physical. She was married at the time. Her feelings "changed" I guess....mine did not. It worked for a few years more. Last year, she decided to marry a boyfriend after a month together. I expressed my distaste for the situation...she did not like that. We haven't spoken in a year and a half. I miss her dearly, but I go on...maybe for the better? Althoughthis has left me jaded...I don't believe the whole boy/girl friendships can work forever(I used to).....I agree with the title of this thread.....and these situations suck...

 

[Blue Room]

I have some female friends that have never gone to the romantic level at all and I would consider them attractive. One of them I have been friends with for about 14 years. She had doubdts before she got married and would ask advice from me. I was just a friend and just listened. I didnt try to influence anything. She is attractive and we obviously get along very well so I could have been tempted to influence her so we could possibly go out at some point. Instead I took the high road and as a result I have a very good friend in her and her husband is actually a very good friend as well. They have 2 great kids and they are very happy. I think back about it and I would feel awful if I had tried to influence something to screw that up for my own possible personal gain.

So yes you can have good friends of the opposite sex. You just need to be able to look at the big picture and understand what is really important to you personally.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

That last line is awesome. Thanks, Blue Room.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

It's happened to me before, and it sucks.

 

[DrTeeth]

It happened to me twice actually, the first time it turned nasty afterwards (because she actually was a bitch) and I am lucky to still be great friends with the second one. Life is full of risks, you win some you lose some, but if you never try, you'll lose everytime.

The fact that you already have a girlfriend looks like the most complicating factor. Good luck

 

[cell]

...feelings from one part or the other getting in the way.

I'm not saying the type of friends that you don't see everyday or look for everyday. I'm saying the type of friend that you call and hang out with all the time.

I tried and I failed miserably. And now, I must admit that I'm sort of infatuated with my best friend.

...and I have a girldriend who is out of town.

i feel really bad for your gf.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

Don't. It's all over.

Sometimes you just have to come up with some priorities and realize that adventures aren't worth the love and caring that are only provided by the "one".

My girlfriend is my "one". Anybody else, my best friend included, is only a decoration to make my one look so much better.

I'm glad this happened because I didn't do anything official but it did make me realize how much I love my girlfriend and how I can't wait to see her.

I guess loneliness sometimes is the mother of invention. You invent feelings for people that you really don't care for as much as you thought. In reality the only thing you're trying to do is to kick-off that terrible demon that is loneliness.

 

[anitram]

You can only be friends with the opposite sex in the following circumstances:

1. One or both of you are gay.
2. Neither of you feel even the least bit physically attracted to the other party.
3. You've been friends for so long it's almost a sibling relationship.

As soon as one party starts to have some romantic thoughts, it's over.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

You can only be friends with the opposite sex in the following circumstances:

1. One or both of you are gay.
2. Neither of you feel even the least bit physically attracted to the other party.
3. You've been friends for so long it's almost a sibling relationship.

As soon as one party starts to have some romantic thoughts, it's over.

 

[cell]

Don't. It's all over.

Sometimes you just have to come up with some priorities and realize that adventures aren't worth the love and caring that are only provided by the "one".

My girlfriend is my "one". Anybody else, my best friend included, is only a decoration to make my one look so much better.

I'm glad this happened because I didn't do anything official but it did make me realize how much I love my girlfriend and how I can't wait to see her.

I guess loneliness sometimes is the mother of invention. You invent feelings for people that you really don't care for as much as you thought. In reality the only thing you're trying to do is to kick-off that terrible demon that is loneliness.

for her sake, i hope things go well. good luck.

 

[Blue Room]

You can only be friends with the opposite sex in the following circumstances:

1. One or both of you are gay.
2. Neither of you feel even the least bit physically attracted to the other party.
3. You've been friends for so long it's almost a sibling relationship.

As soon as one party starts to have some romantic thoughts, it's over.

I disagree. I think thats an incredibly simplistic way of looking at it and I think you are really generalizing. How does 3 occur if 1 and 2 are not correct? Isnt that redundent if 1 and 2 have to be for 3? I'm not calling you out here but I think its a cop out by those that dont want to have to work at being friends or because they have not been successful in having friends of the opposite sex they have to think of excuses or reasons that dont put the blame on themselves. "It wasnt me, no one can do this."

I just dont buy that or believe that at all. Then again, maybe I'm the exception and not the rule on this one.

 

[starsforu2]

I disagree. I think thats an incredibly simplistic way of looking at it and I think you are really generalizing. How does 3 occur if 1 and 2 are not correct? Isnt that redundent if 1 and 2 have to be for 3? I'm not calling you out here but I think its a cop out by those that dont want to have to work at being friends or because they have not been successful in having friends of the opposite sex they have to think of excuses or reasons that dont put the blame on themselves. "It wasnt me, no one can do this."

I just dont buy that or believe that at all. Then again, maybe I'm the exception and not the rule on this one.

I'm curious, when you say

I think its a cop out by those that dont want to have to work at being friends or because they have not been successful in having friends of the opposite sex they have to think of excuses or reasons that dont put the blame on themselves. "It wasnt me, no one can do this."

Are you saying that one of the things that you have to work at is to not be attracted to them, or to not act on that attraction, or to suppress romantic feelings? That doesn't sound like the kind of work that a friendship requires. Most friendships are friendships because they are easy. Nobody wants a difficult friend, one may want to help a friend out in their time of need, and one might even lay down their life for a friend, but it isn't the first thing that builds a friendship. Mutual interests or personalties make a friendship, hardship tests it.

The problem about friendships with the opposite sex is that you have to draw a line somewhere, otherwise it's bound to be complicated by sexual politics. I think the natural order of things has us playing roles for one another. When we are unattached we tend to play husband to someone as a friend, and vice-versa. It's hard to treat the opposite sex on the same plane as your guy-friends. You are naturally going to be more protective of a lady friend then you would be with your 6'5" first baseman on your softball team.

Perhaps your definition of friends is different or you have a higher tolerance of closeness before you let it influence your dating life. I have female friends that I keep just far enough way to keep them from being intimate with me. I wouldn't want them to fall into an emotional intimacy with me unless we were both interested in it. Some women would consider emotional intimacy to be cheating. If you were spilling more secrets to your secretary than your wife, but loved sleeping with your wife, it would seem to be a bad thing for your relationship. Sex isn't the only component that makes a marriage work. Emotional intimacy is also one attractive component. To have that with a friend is possible but hard to maintain and unfair if anyone else is involved. I don't want my wife having a better guy friend than me.
I do applaud you if you can keep a number of women as close friends and they value that. I don't think it's normal, but it is noble. Cheers!

 

[Blue Room]

No, you are reading into it way to much. You are friends with a person because you enjoy their company, have something in common with them, and are willing to help them out when they are in need and vice versa. Why that has to change because the person is of the opposite sex is beyond me. Its not rocket science. As I said in my prior post on this thread (which you obviously didnt read). Its about looking at the big picture and deciding what is important to you. Do you really need to act on all sexual emotions? Especially when you know it will be destructive? If so, I think that is the sign of a big problem and maybe a lack of maturity.

Simply put, saying you cant do it is a cop out IMO. Friendship isnt always easy regardless if the person is of the opposite sex. But it doesnt mean its not possible. To pigeon hole the concept is what I disagree with. Its the "Its not my fault, these type of relationships cant work anyway" concept that bothers me. THATS what I was refering to.

 

[starsforu2]

I went back and reread your previous post and I see what your primary point was and I whole-heartedly agree with that point.
Saying that men and women can't be friends is no excuse for being an ass, nor should it be a cover for men to get close to a woman they find attractive. It's the sneakiness that can be kind of revolting. Men and women should both make it known if they are interested in something other than friendship when they are getting to know one another (if they know).
My greater point and the one made by When Harry Met Sally, is that men and women can't be friends. Yes it's a generality, it's also a generality that happens to be true often enough for people to quote it 15 years on. It's not correct all the time, but it is correct often enough that one should not be unaware that people are not always conscious enough to turn off that part of themselves that would be attracted to their friend. And for that matter, being friends doesn't give you immunity for being a first-class flirt. I had a friend like that who would often flirt with her "friends" in such a way that it was hard not to think that she might be interested in something more. When one of those guy friends, crosses the line, she's saddened and upset that they are no longer friends, and doesn't know why it always happens to her. She was only being herself.
I think we're both arguing for greater responsibility not less. We just have different angles that we are attacking from. Good debate!

 

[Another U2 nut!]

Yep, when you start exclusively hanging out with a person of the opposite sex, at least one of you is bound to get feelings. It's happened to most of us. It's happened to me. It does suck, so I suppose you could not hang out so much with your friend, and stay loyal to your girlfriend.

And when the whole infatuation thing happens, one person usually gets really, really hurt. It also can involve sacrificing yourself on the altar of dignity. Don't do it! The wounds are too terrible to bear.

 

[anitram]

No, you are reading into it way to much. You are friends with a person because you enjoy their company, have something in common with them, and are willing to help them out when they are in need and vice versa. Why that has to change because the person is of the opposite sex is beyond me.

I think you're misunderstanding my point. The basic tenet of friendship (companionship) doesn't need to change because you are friends with the opposite sex. Nobody said so. But when one person begins to feel differently (ie. "more") for the other, then the dynamics of the relationship change.

Do you really need to act on all sexual emotions? Especially when you know it will be destructive?

Okay, that's a loaded statement. I was good friends with a guy for 3-4 years before he, unilaterally, decided we were destined to be together. It clearly did not end well as his feelings were not reciprocated. For a long time, I felt like you did - why did he have to go and ruin an amazing friendship just because he couldn't control his feelings? Well you know what I found out through some good guidance from friends - once you have those feelings, your relationship has already changed, regardless of whether you've expressed them to the other party. Because to you, that person is no longer just a friend you like to talk to on the phone, they are a potential lover, soulmate, mother of your children, life partner, pick whichever you want. Things can never be the same between you again, because even if you suppress those feelings, they are still present, and they will surface now and again and you just can't change that. Trust me, even when the person holds back their "sexual emotions" as you call it - they still feel them and everything between you is therefore different. It's a nice theory that you can compartmentalize your feelings and hide them away for the greater good, but emotions are not rational responses.

Simply put, saying you cant do it is a cop out IMO.

I didn't say you can't - I believe you can, under some circumstances. I just believe that once one (or both?) parties begin to develop deep, emotional, romantic feelings, then your relationship has necessarily been changed. It can't remain static. Maybe you are better able to sequester your feelings and look at things logically, but I think for most people, it's sincerely not that easy.

 

[anitram]

How does 3 occur if 1 and 2 are not correct? Isnt that redundent if 1 and 2 have to be for 3? .

I didn't mean that all 3 had to be true at the same time. I meant that if one of the things on the list was true, I think it's possible to have a romance-free friendship.

 

[diamond]

im having a hard time following all the math here