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Old 08-30-2008, 01:18 AM   #1
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the smell of blood

today was really no different than any other, i woke up late and went out for a cigarette on the front porch, plotted how to call in sick for work, thoughts of death creeping in from somewhere.

I called my boss and told her "i quit (BITCH!)" but she smiled (im assuming she smiled...that is) and said "oh your such a tease, we'll see your happy face in a bit now wont we" click.

Sigh. again im faced with the prospect of driving across town and sitting in a cubicle all day analyzing data, listening to the gossip of overpaid fat chicks nearby while pissing on my chair.

So, i load up the car with weaponry and drive v e r y s l o w l y towards my office complex. Again. Except this time i make it, just like in my dream. This is the time i finally snap and shoot up half of my coworkers, i say to myself. I sit in my car, in my assigned spot, for a good 30 minutes with my jaw open and a death grip on the steering wheel praying for a heart attack or a jet engine to drop out of the sky and crush me into little tiny pieces.

After while i work up the courage to go inside and commit mass murder, i carefully arm myself and stroll up to the glass door, with a plan in my head on who to kill first and how many times to pump their head full of gunpowder.

Past the guard "good morning sir" he quips in broken english. I nod back and keep on going, so much for shooting the first person that acknowledges me. Oh well, Hector is a good old guy, ill kill him on the way out. Past the secretaries front office, into my area i walk in with a two day old beard and dark shadows under my eyes, guns hidden by a big overcoat. I dont see my coworkers at first, but i hear them gathering over in the break area. Around the corner and i see them in a circle with their backs to me, im reaching into my coat for a pistol thinking to myself i could spray blubber all over the walls like whale parts blown up on a beach. About that time they turn around and yell out to me "SUPRISE! Happy birthday Mrs. Garrison!" and there is a cake on the table and everybody is singing to me, telling me to come forward.

I'm stunned and i don't know what to say, i had totally forgotten this day was my birthday, how appropriate that i could die on the same day i was born?

I survey the party goers, im sweating profusely, still wearing the overcoat. "make a wish and blow out your candles" they yell out and beckon me closer. I'm terribly moved, but im a man on a mission and this is my reckoning. I'm blowing out the candles with tears in my eyes, probably a couple of them even fall onto the cake. I step back and look each one of my coworkers in the eye, im not sure what to say. But the truth, " i wish...i wish that each one of you were dead.... right now"

Their silence is predictable as i reach into my coat to grasp my guns and smoke the whole room..about this time i hear a stern but familiar voice from behind me call out "STOP!" but im paralyzed by the sound...unable to turn around and see who or what it is.
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Old 08-30-2008, 11:47 AM   #2
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"STOP...i want in the picture too" Hector calls out from behind as the old armed security guard from the lobby glides past me and mixes in with my coworkers. I'm stunned once again, and i've yet to draw a weapon. "did you say picture", i manage to mumble to noone in particular. About that time i hear the shrill and controlling commands of Doorknob coming from behind me "alright Mrs. Garrison turn around, everybody squeeze in real tight and SMIIIIIILE!"

I should have offed myself in the car, out in the parking lot, i remember thinking to myself.

She snaps a few pictures, i try to smile through streams of sweat flowing down my face and visions of murder and suicide, kittens and flowers percolating my senses. Then my boss pulls out a big knife and says "Mrs. G would you like to do the honors?" halfway handing me the big knife. My eyes must have lit up as the reflection of the overhead lighting bounced off of the shiny blade.

"The cake....is....not....alive...." i kept mumbling to myself, barely audible. I imagined reaching into my coat and pulling out the glock and pumping 8 rounds into the cake...."THE CAKE....IS....NOT.....ALIVE......WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!" i hissed at noone in particular.

"Maybe i better go ahead and cut the cake" my boss concluded, as she smiled uncomfortably. She began to cut pieces of cake and dish them out to the herd of coworkers, none of whom really needed the extra calories.

Then comes Doorknob, the pretty young & dumb blonde who's given everyone a turn. She approaches me and whispers in my ear "honey....we need to talk" and looks at me with those serious yet vacant blue eyes "i think im pregnant".

"i could kill you both right now" i whispered in her ear, "or i could kill every man in this office, either way, im pretty sure your child will either be a retard or a bastard, given the circumstances". I turned and walked away and i heard Doorknob giggling loudly "he's so funny!! i just love his humor" she said to Super Shirley, who was getting her third piece of cake and overheard us.

My boss smiled at me asked me to come into her office, with a concerned "aren't you going to have any of your cake?" bit. I sit down in the chair opposite of her and watch her intently until she finally gets past the small talk into the meat of what she wanted to say to me. "Look Mrs. G., i know you have been having some problems, i realize you and Doorknob are going through a rough time as well. I just wanted to say that Mr. Company and myself have been having some discussions on this matter, and we want you to get better. We've decided to ask you if you want a paid leave of absence, maybe for a year or so until you are able to deal with everything. And...if thats not enough....dont worry i think we could possibly go ahead and retire you with full salary and benefits."

You could have heard a pin drop in the office...this is all so unfair! She totally blew me away with this, my entire existence hinges on shooting up the place in a rampage and making the world news, another workplace shooting...worker snaps....my right hand is reaching into my overcoat and ive decided to spray her brains all over that stupid motivational picture she has on the wall behind her desk. "Does this sound fair to you?" my boss asked intently as she reached into her desk and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at me "or do i blow your fucking head off in self defense you worthless piece of shit?" she smiled as she cocked the weapon, milking the trigger.
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Old 08-31-2008, 05:25 PM   #3
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Old 09-01-2008, 03:22 PM   #4
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thank you Zoomercab69. what say you we trek on over to the gulf coast area, get a 12 pack of cheap canned beer and some tacos, and sit on the beach and watch No Line on the horizon?
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Old 09-01-2008, 03:30 PM   #5
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Gary Son, your avatar reminds me of Ben Affleck.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:25 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Mrs. Garrison View Post
thank you Zoomercab69. what say you we trek on over to the gulf coast area, get a 12 pack of cheap canned beer and some tacos, and sit on the beach and watch No Line on the horizon?
isn't there a snowstorm or something going on there?
...i'd prefer to stay inside, at any rate. i've grown content with the view from my glass house.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:40 PM   #7
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Gary Son, your avatar reminds me of Ben Affleck.
right on!
sometimes i pretend like my right hand is J-Lo and my left hand is Matt Damon, and...well...you get the idea.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:44 PM   #8
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isn't there a snowstorm or something going on there?
...i'd prefer to stay inside, at any rate. i've grown content with the view from my glass house.
no really it is more like a volcano, you know like they had back when dinosaurs roamed the earth (im sorry for) where it begins is where it ends you know. Right there at the Wal*Mart.

So your glass house, does it have cracks in the glass ceiling? Better get that one fixed, before it starts raining men.

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Old 09-01-2008, 11:16 PM   #9
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right on!
sometimes i pretend like my right hand is J-Lo
Does she have taco flavored kisses?
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Old 09-02-2008, 06:56 PM   #10
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yes of course, though the jury is still out on whether the meat is fish or chicken.

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