Lance's Mom-inspired art: stick it in here

[LMP]

I thought of Pam more as a fellow brothel denizen, a colleague, if you will. It's for the best that Lance's Mom never has an actual name. She's like the Bride, but without the Kiddo revelation.

This I can get behind.

I've been laughing for a solid 5 minutes listening to the medley. Holy shit. "Carry That Weight" must be a tough nut to crack though. I don't even think you can change the title.

 

[impy13]

FAIL. Can't believe I forgot to include it.

HAIRY FAT TAINT

Girl, you've got a hairy fat taint
Hairy fat taint neath thong line
Girl, you've got a hairy fat taint
Hairy fat taint neath thong line

I never TF'd her pillows
I won't succumb to that foul temptation
And thought enjoying all the sensations
I make frowns

Girl, you've got a hairy fat taint
Hairy fat taint neath thong line
Girl, you've got a hairy fat taint
Hairy fat taint neath thong line

 

[lazarus]

YES!!

"Hairy fat taint 'neath thong line"

Score.

 

[UberBeaver]

It's the moment you've all been waiting for...

THE CRABBY LOAD MEDLEY




YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER YOUR MONEY

You have to give her your money
She won't take food stamps, just legal tender
And after finishing negotiations
She takes one

I wanted to give her lumber
I asked if she'd had inoculation
And in the middle of the copulation
She faked one

In the brothel, money spent
Sleeps in same bed, pays no rent
All the money's stacked, that haggard ho
Lots of slobber on your sack
Trashy tattoo on her back
Smelly whorey show, that haggard ho
But oh, that tragic peeling, that haggard ho
Oh, that tragic peeling
That haggard ho
That haggard ho!

One sweet cream
Put on the bag and give her pale ass a ream
Soon you'll drive away again
Step on the gas and Tide that stain away
One sweet cream came through... today
Came through... today
Came through... today...yes it did
One two three four five six seven
These girls cost less than eleven

SPUNK KING

Here comes the spunk king
Here comes the spunk king
Everybody's staph-ing
Everybody's clappy
Here comes the spunk king

(orgasm noise gibberish)

PEEN BLISTER CUSTARD

Peen blister custard seeps in the dark
Leaves such a mark, feels like sandpaper
Leaks from a hole in the bone
Dripping down your personal zone
Hurts like a big kidney stone
Such a mean old gland
Such a mean old gland

His mother Pam works at a broth'
She never stops, she's a head-wetter
Takes it out to look at the ween'
There's one place that it's never been
Always squirts out some kind of cream
On her dirty old ass
Such a dirty old ass

PROPHYLACTIC PAM

Well you should see Prophylactic Pam
She's not good-looking but she'll do any man
Well you should see her in bed putting a glove on your head
Yes you should see Prophylactic Pam
Yeah yeah yeah

Get a dose of her with crack pipe and pills
She's spiller-filler when she's cocked to the hilt
She's the kind of a girl that fucks the Jews of the world
And they would say she's economically built
Yeah yeah yeah

SHE CAME ONTO THE BATHROOM WINDOW

She came onto the bathroom window
Protected by a saran sheen
And when she squirts it runs asunder
By the bowl of an old latrine

Couldn't anybody smell her?
Wouldn't anybody flee?
Sunday's john delayed to Monday
Tuesday's john comes in at three

She said she used to be a stripper
She charged a five spot for a dance
And since she pulls down many zippers
She don't know who fathered her Lance

And so I left my sad apartment
And bought myself a cheap blow job
And when she tried her best to please me
She just squealed when I shot my wad

Couldn't anybody smell her?
Wouldn't anybody flee?
Sunday's john delayed to Monday
Tuesday's john comes in at three
Oh yeah.

GOLDEN SHOWERS

Once there was a way to get back whorin'
Once there was a way to get that bone
Paid by the john so you won't cry
and Lance will get his lullaby

Golden showers fill your eyes
Towels are there so you can dry
Paid by the john so you don't cry
and Lance will get his lullaby

THE REAR END

Oh yeah, alright
Are you gonna get in my jeans tonight?

And in the end
The cash you take is equal to the love you make


























































HER VAJESTY

Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot and it doesn't cost a lot to play
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot but it gets railed every day
I wanna plow her but I'm hearing a lot that soliciting prostitutes is a crime
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime, oh yeah
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime



©Lazzon/ImpCartney

Brilliant.

 

[UberBeaver]

Actually, not to rain on the parade, but there's no Lance's mom rendition of Carry That Weight? It kinda fucks up the flow when you skip that song.

 

[elevated_u2_fan]

I think you could leave those lyrics alone and it would still work though

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

I WANNA FUCK LANCE'S MOM'S ASS

oh yea i
tell you something
i think you'll understand
when i
say that something
i wanna fuck your assssssssssssss
i wanna fuck your aaaaaaass
i wanna fuck your ass

oh please, say to me
and let me stick your bum
and please, say to me
you'll let me fuck your assssssss
you'll let me fuck your aaaaaass
i wanna fuck your ass

and when i fuck you i feel happy... inside
it's such a feeling that my wang
i can't hide, i can't hide, i can't hide

yea you, got that something
i think you'll understand
when i, say that something
i wanna fuck your asssssssssss
i wanna fuck your aaaaaaaass
i wanna fuck your ass

and when i fuck you i feel happy... inside
it's such a feeling that my love,
i can't hide
i can't hide
i can't hide

yea you, got that something
i think you'll understand
when i, feel that something
i wanna fuck your ass
i wanna fuck your ahh ahahhahass
i wanna fuck your ass

i wanna fuck your ahhhhhhhhhss

 

[No spoken words]

Wow, didn't see any of that coming.

That song used to lack power, and now everything just changed.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

MY MORNING WOOD (THIS WHORE HAS FLOWN)

i once had a whore
or should i say
she once had me

i showed her my cock
isn't it good
my morning wood

she asked me to cum and she told me to shoot anywhere
so i looked around and i shot it right into her hair

i sat on her face
biding my time
drinking her wine

we fucked until two
and then she said
how 'bout some head

she told me she'd take it and then she started to gag
i told her she couldn't, turned her over, and covered her head with a bag

and when i woke
i was alone
this whore had flown

so i rubbed one out
isn't it good
my morning wood

 

[u2popmofo]

Below is the only decent thing I have ever contributed to the Lance's Mom phenomenon:

 

[Lancemc]

Headache scores points if only for the utter lack of finesse in his compositions.

 

[No spoken words]

That's what I'm saying.

These songs just have a more aggressive tone to them.

 

[impy13]

Actually, not to rain on the parade, but there's no Lance's mom rendition of Carry That Weight? It kinda fucks up the flow when you skip that song.

It's at the top of the page. By mistake I forgot to....ahem.... stick it in the medley.

Headache scores points if only for the utter lack of finesse in his compositions.

Hey, "My Morning Wood" was hilarious.

There's a real naughty limerick vibe to it, even if the meter isn't the same.

 

[Lancemc]

Hey, "My Morning Wood" was hilarious.

Absolutely. Not what I meant to imply. They're great... just... very crude. In a good way.

 

[impy13]

There's something to be said for them seeming a little more off the cuff than Laz and my fare. Visceral. Raw.

 

[UberBeaver]

It's at the top of the page. By mistake I forgot to....ahem.... stick it in the medley.

AH, I see it now. I didn't realize at the time what it was. Makes much more sense now.

There's something to be said for them seeming a little more off the cuff than Laz and my fare. Visceral. Raw.

Headache's works are like Bad Brains doing the Beatles while doing Lance's mom. That's how they sound to me.

 

[No spoken words]

Headache's works are like Bad Brains doing the Beatles while doing Lance's mom. That's how they sound to me.

This cracked me up.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

i'm touched. by lance's mom.

 

[lazarus]

she told me she'd take it and then she started to gag
i told her she couldn't, turned her over, and covered her head with a bag

The introduction of the snuff angle is one that could be ushering in a whole new era of Lance's Mom-goodness. I mean, everyone loves a dead hooker joke.

 

[Jive Turkey]

Peen blister custard seeps in the dark
Leaves such a mark, feels like sandpaper
Leaks from a hole in the bone
Dripping down your personal zone
Hurts like a big kidney stone
Such a mean old gland
Such a mean old gland

Words cannot describe how perfect this verse is. Take a gold star, Impy

 

[lazarus]

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I was the one who came up with the actual title.


Yes, I'm petty.

 

[Reggo]

I doubt this is on par with everyone else's, but I was bored tonight...

Across The Waterbed

Germs are flowing out like
Endless rain across this hooker's sheets
They slither while they pass
They slip my way across the waterbed
Pools of VD, waves of spores
Are drifting through my opened fly
Infecting and condemning me

I just fucked Lance's mom
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore

At the strip club, Lance's mom
Who dances with my head between her thighs
She called me on and on into her waterbed
Fingers wander like a virgin as I'm eating out her box
They fumble blindly as
They make their way across the waterbed

I just fucked Lance's mom
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore

Sounds of laughter at my cock
are ringing through my open ears
"I'm sorry, but it is so tiny!"
Luckily, it's Lance's mom
And size don't matter when you're just a john
I threw 300 quid onto the waterbed

I just fucked Lance's mom
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore
Nothing's gonna heal this sore

 

[impy13]

Really dig that first verse, Reg. Funny stuff.

Words cannot describe how perfect this verse is. Take a gold star, Impy

Thanks. It's one of my finer verses, even including the Shuttlecock tunes I've written. The first verse was mine. The second was Laz's. But I consider the entire medley a collaboration with him, hence the copyright thing at the end.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I was the one who came up with the actual title.


Yes, I'm petty.

And a fine creation it was. Some of your pieces in the medley are fantastic, but again, I'm happy to have it listed as a collaborative effort.

I doubt this is on par with everyone else's, but I was bored tonight...

 

[lazarus]

Nice work, Reggo. Glad to have another scribe on the staff, so to speak.

 

[Lancemc]

Sounds of laughter at my cock
are ringing through my open ears
"I'm sorry, but it is so tiny!"
Luckily, it's Lance's mom
And size don't matter when you're just a john
I threw 300 quid onto the waterbed
[/I]

This is good stuff.

 

[No spoken words]

Reggo

 

[GirlsAloudFan]

How many Lance's Moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

[lazarus]

A: You're gonna need a bigger bulb.

 

[Jive Turkey]

Alright, so I havent added much to this conversation apart from 'hahaha thats funny' so its about time I earn my keep. This is my first contribution, so please be kind. Also, I apologize to Lance in advance because I've never met him or his whore of a mother

Happiness is a Worn Gunt

Shes not a whore who kisses much
Do do do do do do, oh ya
He's well acquainted with the touch of her vulva's hair
like a tarantula on a wrinkled prune

The woman in the bed with the multicoloured tassels
on her hog-like boobs
hangin' to her thighs while her hands are busy workin' on the taint
A sperm excretion from his wang which she ate
then proceeded with her natural thrust

I need Valtrex 'cause she going down
Down to my pants that I left undone
I need Valtrex 'cause shes going down

Mother's posterior chugs the cum
Mother's posterior chugs the cum
Mother's posterior chugs the cum
Mother's posterior chugs the cum

Happiness is a worn gunt
(bang bang, skeet skeet)
Happiness is a worn gunt, momma
(bang bang, skeet skeet)

When I hold you in my arms
And I feel your finger on my shitter
I fear your diggin' could do me much harm

Because
Happiness is a worn gunt
(bang bang, skeet skeet)
Happiness is a worn gunt
(bang bang, skeet skeet)

 

[lazarus]

He's well acquainted with the touch of her vulva's hair
like a tarantula on a wrinkled prune

This is Hall of Fame shit right here. The whole song is win, really. When I first saw the title I was like "damn, I wanted to write that one", but no way I could have topped this.