Lance's Mom-inspired art: stick it in here

[Jive Turkey]

VAGINAL CYSTERY TOUR

This is my favourite so far. Thinking outside the box

 

[impy13]

Trust me, JT. That's one box you don't want to be in.

 

[cobl04]

very clever
but you lot have waaaaay too much time on your hands

 

[Reggo]

The kings of Interference comedy.

 

[impy13]

When is Laz going to finish the scatological opus "She Loves Poo?"

 

[lazarus]

I've been too busy working on The Whore Album, or as you'd like to call it The Beatoffs.

Back in the D.V.D.A.
Rear Pudding
Ass Bunion
Ob-La-Dental Ob-La-Dam
Wild Horny Thighs
The Continuing Whoring of Lancelot's Mom
While My Shitter Gently Seeps
Happiness is a Worn John

...to be continued...

 

[impy13]

"Ass Bunion" made me laugh more than I have all day. Thank you.

 

[Jive Turkey]

I've been too busy working on The Whore Album, or as you'd like to call it The Beatoffs.

Back in the D.V.D.A.
Rear Pudding
Ass Bunion
Ob-La-Dental Ob-La-Dam
Wild Horny Thighs
The Continuing Whoring of Lancelot's Mom
While My Shitter Gently Seeps
Happiness is a Worn John

...to be continued...

HAHAHAHAHA oh man. Ob-La-Dental Ob-La-Dam made me laugh out loud. As did While My Shitter Gently Seeps. Personally, I would've went with Happiness is a Worn Gunt, but thats just nit picking

 

[lazarus]

The Whore Album, "Side Two":

Park In My Rear : I'm So Hired : Packturd : Biggies : Cocky Raccoon : Don't Pass My Ass : Why Don't You Do It In My Throat? : I Swill : Jew Liar

 

[impy13]

Fantastic. All.

 

[LMP]

Good lord.

 

[lazarus]

Side Three:

Birth Canal : Yer Blown : Mother's Neutered Son : Everybody's Got Something To Ride Including Me and My Donkey : Sex Me Pay Me : Heifer Fister : Long, Long, Long (Cocks)

 

[Lancemc]

side three:
Mother's neutered son

 

[U2isthebest]

I literally laughed out loud at this thread for 10 minutes. Well done.

 

[LemonMelon]

Not one of my best efforts, but I felt compelled to contribute something to this otherwise classic thread.

Maxine's Silver Strap-On

Lance's mom opened her thighs
Studied dicks of every size
Turning tricks in her home
Late nights squeezing out KY lube
Never alo-oh-oh-one

Maxine Edison
Majoring in giving head
Calls up her sex line phone
Can I take out to the alley
To get sto-oh-oh-oned?

But as she's stocking up on spermicide
She feels something inside

Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was sure to never bend
Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was her new best friend

Back on the set again
Maxine's on her back again
The director gets annoyed
There was no conviction before his eye-eye-eye-eyes

He asks Lance's mom to stay
Though she's already been paid
But she waits behind
Gaping red crater between her thi-i-i-ighs

And as the skin gets ready to sag
She goes through Maxine's bag

Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was sure to never bend
Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was her new best friend

The director starts a-jerkin' it
Commends her on her workmanship
He assembles the cast
Horny executioner, judge, and jury-y-y-y

Lance's mom, as the judge
Said she wouldn't hold a grudge
If she could provide her relief
From her sex life with a husband not quite so easy-y-y-y

But as the words are leaving her lips
She creeps up from behind

Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was sure to never bend
Bang! Bang!
Maxine's silver strap-on was her new best friend

 

[lazarus]

Bravo, sir.

Glad to have you among our ranks.

"Gaping red crater between her thi-i-i-ighs"

 

[lazarus]

The Whore Album, Side Four:

Prostitution 1 : Hairy Pie : Semen Shuffle : Pry Baby Pry : Prostitution 9 : Wood Night

and the session outtakes:

Twat Guilty : Who's The New Merry John? : Spunk

 

[impy13]

The Beatoffs were clearly inspired by their encounter with Lance's Mom during what Lance's Momologists call her "South of the Border" era:

FUCK A PONY

I fuck a pony
Well it can desecrate any hole it wants
Well it can desecrate any hole it wants
I screw a farm hog
Well it can penetrate any desperate ho
Yes it can penetrate any desperate ho

I told you so, I could fuck a zoo
Tijuana is the place to see a donkey screw
Because

I prick a pet dog
Well it can procreate in a Juarez bar
Yes it can procreate in a Juarez bar
I cause a boney
Well you can masturbate while you watch the show
Yes you can masturbate while you watch the show

I told you so, I could fuck a zoo
Tijuana is the place to see a donkey screw
Because

I take a steer's load
No you cannot relate to a thing you see
Yes you cannot relate to a thing you see
I'm feeling whorey
Well I can stimulate till the rooster crows
Yes I can stimulate till the rooster crows

I told you so, I could fuck a zoo
Tijuana is the place to see a donkey screw
Because

 

[No spoken words]

I was reading about Christopher Cross' "Sailing" and little did I know that the song was originally written as an ode to Lance's Mom: Cross' version of how he assumed she saw her life.

Whoring

It's not far down to Hunt's Point
At least it's not for me
And if the john is right you can whore away
And fuck for money
The vulva can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Solicit me

It's not far to the VD clinic
No reason to protect
And if the trick is right you can rob him blind
And cut him if he objects
The vulva can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Solicit me


Whoring
Takes me away
To where I've always been the real me
I never dream that anyone will marry me;
I refuse to fuck for free


Fantasy
It gets the best of me
When I'm role playing
All caught up in the cuckoldry
Every safe word is never uttered by me
I have Hepatitis-B


It's not far back to the brothel
At least it's not for me
And when the john is right you can whore away
And fuck for money
The vulva can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Solicit me

 

[impy13]

The subtle nod to KNIFE CRIME in the second verse was particularly cockheartwrenching.

 

[LMP]

Warms the cockles, if you will.

 

[No spoken words]

I'm quite pleased with it, to be honest.....I just sang it in my head to the tune of "Sailing" and it's pretty moving.

 

[LMP]

Really any time you can work the word "cuckold" into any sort of writing, you have to feel some sort of satisfaction.

 

[impy13]

I just sang it in my head to the tune of "Sailing" and it's pretty moving.

This is the reason I still find all the Shuttlecock songs so funny. Go along with the music and hilarity ensues.

 

[LMP]

Laz, this should be your new av.

 

[No spoken words]

This is the reason I still find all the Shuttlecock songs so funny. Go along with the music and hilarity ensues.

I yelled "Magnificock" tonight at the appropriate times.

And, Twilight is permanently ruined for me, though, I wrote that one (with help) so I am to blame.

 

[impy13]

Well played. Probably for the best they're not playing "KNIFECRIME." You'd spontaneously combust.

If I think I'll be close enough, I'm stopping by Academy to grab some shuttlecocks to toss on the stage.

Laz, this should be your new av.

Holy. Shit.

 

[lazarus]

Alright, I was laughing pretty loud whilst reading those last two composition, even if NSW's strayed from our current Beatoffs fixation. I'm looking forward to seeing the Mexico story continue with Everybody's Got Something To Ride Including Me And My Donkey.

I just had a fuckload of whiskey, and probably need to pass out. Wood Night. Everybody, everywhere...wood night.

 

[lazarus]

A HARD LAY'S NIGHT
Title track
I Should Have Blown Better
If I Smell
I'm Happy To Give Lance To You
And I Drove Her
Swell My Thigh
Men Buy My Love
Any Ream At All
I'll Try His Head
Toys We Used Today
When I Get 'holed
You Can Do That (For An Extra $5)
It'll Be Back (Herpes)

 

[No spoken words]

Laz, I always try to stray from the path people are on, to add some variety.

Rock around the cock would be an example of that.